The Misadventures of a Terrestrial Anomaly

“Lord Everleigh!” A woman on the other side of the door called, “I know you’re in there! Come out!”

He grumbled and pulled the blanket off of her.

“Lord Everleigh! Open the door!”

Charlie got off the couch and readjusted the top of her pajamas. She cracked the front door open to see out. A blue woman with snowy white hair and pointy ears stood on the other side. Her sharp features looked like all the drawings of elves, outside of Christmas time, that Charlie ever saw. The dark green uniform top with gold threads gave her a bad feeling about the man in the house with her.

“Who are you?” The woman narrowed her eyes, “I’m looking for a young man.”

“Let me guess… curly brown hair, green eyes, and about—” Charlie held her hand up to approximate his height, “-this tall?”

“Is my lord in here?” Her hand pushed against the door, “Let me in!”

Charlie swung it open and pointed at the pile of blankets on the floor, “Please, for the love of god, take him.”

The elf ran to his side. When she noticed his snores, she looked back at Charlie in fury.

“Why is he asleep on the floor? Is there not a bed in this house?”

“I told him to take the bed,” She scoffed, “He wouldn’t. I was sleeping on the couch to avoid him.”

The woman pulled the blankets from him. She noticed the bruises on his face and bare chest. She shook in anger and glared at Charlie.

“What happened?” She yelled, “Why is he injured?”

“Because he’s an idiot that—”

The woman pulled the blankets down further and noticed his distinct lack of clothes. She gasped and jumped away. He blushed as he pulled a bundle to hide his groin.

“Did you defile my young lord?” She attempted to slap her.

Charlie stepped out of the way, “What? No!”

“I will have your head if you –”

“Bryza, is that you?” Wade grumbled and sat up, “What are you doing here?”

“Lord Wade!” The elf ripped her attention back to him, “Are you alright? This wretched—”

“Dame Bryza, you will not speak about my future wife like that.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Charlie rolled her eyes, “Are you back on that?”

“I’m sorry?” The elf blinked, “I thought—”

“My sister wanted me to get married,” He pointed to Charlie, “I’ve decided she will be my bride.”

“You don’t even know me!”

“We kissed, bathed in intimacy, and spent the night together,” He looked back to the elf, “She’s my wife in all but title now.”

“Is that why you kept trying to give me the bed?” Her face fell as she realized what he meant, “You sly bastard.”

The elf stood and reached for her sword, “You will not speak to him that way!”

“Bryza, please. She doesn’t understand our customs,” He chuckled, “She’ll learn in due time. Now that I’ve—”

“I am not going to marry you!” Charlie yelled.

Wade tucked the blanket at his waist as he stood, “We’ll see.”

“I have to agree with her, my lord. Your sister may want you to get married quickly but I doubt she had—” She scowled at Charlie, “—that type of woman in mind.”

“And what exactly does that mean?” She crossed her arms.

“A prostitute.”

“Dame Bryza!” Wade scowled as he kept the blanket at his waist, “I have already warned you about speaking carefully about my wife. Apologize.”

“Put on some pants,” Charlie threw his at him, “I’m leaving. You can argue with each other.”

“Wait!” He grabbed her arm, “You can’t just leave after our night together! What will people think?”

“That you’re a crazy person that thinks sleeping on the floor next to a woman means she has to marry you?”

“By the Gods,” The elf slapped a hand against her own face, “My lord is not wearing any clothes. You have only his shirt on, from what I can tell. Most people will infer—”

Charlie looked down and saw the tunic, “I did not go to sleep in this.”

“—that I have taken her as my lover. That was my intention.”

“My lord, did she do this?” The woman growled as her hand flew to her sword, “If she is blackmailing you, then I can dispose of her quickly.”

“Absolutely not! You will be a witness to this current state and report it to my sister and anyone else that asks. I will take my responsibility as a man and marry the woman that I –”

“I never agreed to any of this!” Charlie groaned in frustration, “Is anyone even listening to me?!”

“I’ve already pledge myself to you with my mother’s ring.”

She looked down to see the brilliant emerald on her ring finger. She hadn’t noticed it yet. Likely because she was used to wearing her wedding rings. She took it off and handed it to the elf without a word.

“Lady Charlotte saved my life last night as from the robbers that tried to kill me,” He ignored her protests, “She deserves a proper welcome into the city. See to it as we prepare to head home. Once you get there, I expect a wedding planner to visit the manor when we’re both healed.”

The elf grimaced, “Your sister will disapprove.”

Charlie decided to walk away and gather her things. She threw his shirt off of her and realized her nightclothes were still on. At least the man wasn’t a complete pervert and undressed her, but maybe that didn’t matter as much because he already saw her naked. She spent the majority of the previous night arguing with him over taking the ring as payment for his life. All of his weird mannerisms made more sense now. He had set this up to make it seem like they had sex to weasel his way into convincing her to marry her.

“She can’t once I announce that Lady Charlotte and I have been together. I will do what’s right and wed her.”

“We didn’t sleep together!”

Bryza sighed and shook her head, “You are adamant as ever.”

“Would you rather I continue to run away?”

“Wait, you ran away?” Charlie called from the other room, “And that’s why you ended up out here?”

She pressed the gemstone against her hip for her favorite outfit to manifest. The large witch’s hat fit snuggly on her head as she stepped back out to see them. She threw his shirt at him and crossed her arms.

“Once we’re married, I’m sure we will both have enough—”

“I’m not going to marry you.”

“Is my lord not good enough for you?” The elf scowled/

“Dame, watch how you speak to my wife.”

“Yes, my lord,” The elf slid her sword back into its sheath and jerked her head upwards, “I shall take my complaints directly to your sister.”

“Make sure to do that,” He chuckled, “Did you bring a carriage this time as well?”

“As I do every time.”

“Lady Charlotte and I will ride in there. You may take my horse.”

“No thanks,” Charlie went towards the door, “I don’t want to be a part of whatever this is.”

“Nonsense,” Wade grabbed her arm, “You agreed to taking my escort to Vlaminer.”

“That was before you kept going around with this marriage nonsense!” She stomped her foot, “I’ll walk.”

“Excellent,” He grinned, “That will just give me more time to prepare for your arrival at my estate.”

“Lady Charlotte,” Bryza bowed her head, “Lord Wade is well known for being obstinate. It may be easier for everyone involved to go along with his plans.”

“Good thing I absolutely hate doing things the easy way,” Charlie laughed as she slid her bottomless mug up her arm.

“At least take my horse!”

“And let you tell anyone working at the stables that your future wife is riding in on it? Nope. Not falling for that.”

His face fell, “How did you know that—”

“I’ll walk. I’ll be fine.”

“Fine! Then we will all walk back.”

“Wade,” Charlie crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him, “I mean this as nicely as I possibly can: fuck off.”

He grinned, “Only my wife and family can speak to me so formally without risking a noose.”

That didn’t phase her. She stuffed an extra towel into her bag.

“I’ll risk it.”

“I will win you over,” Wade brushed the large curls from his face and smiled, “Just you wait.”

“It’ll be a cold day in hell, then,” She threw her bag over her shoulder and opened the door, “I’ll be leaving now. Can’t follow me without your clothes.”

“And be seen chasing after my future wife, with more witnesses outside of my direct control, as naked as the day I was born?” He laughed, “Do you not think that would help my case?”

She sighed, “There aren’t a bunch of knights outside waiting, are there?”

“You may as well wait here,” Bryza said instead of answering, “It will be a long way back to the estate either way.”

“Okay, Lord Wade,” She rolled her eyes, “Get dressed then.”

“Dame Bryza, make sure she does not leave without you keeping her in sight,” He winked, “She may be able to handle herself, but an attuned knight at her side won’t hurt.”

“Yes, my lord.”

Wade grabbed his shirt from the ground and walked into the bedroom. Charlie shook her head and waited by the door.

“Are you truly not interested in marrying Lord Wade?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Is there a reason?” The elf’s eyebrow raised.

“A reason?” She laughed, “Like, I don’t know anything about him?”

“If there is any reason,” She stressed the word, “—that you can’t marry him, then you must tell me now so we can both get you out of this.”

“My stance against it isn’t enough?”

“Not unless there is a family member or guardian that can reject his proposal.”

“Goddammit. This is one of those places, isn’t it? Am I about to be treated like a second-class person because I’m a woman?” She groaned, “Can I at least wear pants?”

“Knights and travelers wear pants. Typical fashion states that women wear—”

“Petticoats and shit like that?”

“As well as not using such foul language, yes.”

Charlie waited until she saw Wade wearing pants and a shirt before she threw the door open and ran.

“My lady, wait!”

She sprinted as fast as her legs could take her, but the wound on her stomach clinched against the movement. She tried to fight through the pain but felt the stitches rip through her gooey skin. After making it to the main road, she fell to her knees to vomit. Thundering footsteps stopped just short of her.