The Guide to Conquering Earthlings

Chapter 32

Dong Ying had been having a streak of bad luck recently. Not only had Xie Cheng rejected her advances, but she had also failed in her attempt to bribe and turn Xie Cheng's female employee, despite offering a high price!

"President Dong, that woman didn't want money at all. She treats money like dirt. And she's very beautiful too. It seems like she truly loves Xie Cheng. We won't be able to break them up that easily..."

Seeing her subordinate who she had sent to negotiate, Dong Ying was very dissatisfied.

There's a saying on Earth, there's no couple that can't be broken up, only third parties that don't try hard enough.

By human standards, this subordinate was actually considered a very capable and excellent employee. But humans could only ever reach a certain level. They still lacked that little bit extra.

As a prominent figure, she certainly couldn't lower herself to personally seek out that female employee. That would be far too undignified. What use was good looks anyway? She was just an ordinary Earthling after all.

But Dong Ying never conceded defeat. Even if she didn't need to participate personally, she could still bring out her ultimate weapon, sending Mu Yi Star's elite talents to have a chat with that female employee.

Just a few days ago, Dong Ying had spent a high price to recruit a group of top talents who had just arrived on Earth from Mu Yi Star through an underground intergalactic human resources agency. It was time to put them to use!

Thinking this, Dong Ying immediately dialed the intercom:

"Your first mission is to investigate the dynamics between those two humans and sow discord in their relationship. I've sent you photos and information on those two in your emails. As for the action plan, I've given each of you a copy of the 2003 Revised Edition of the Mu Yi Star Expert Compilation 'Earthling Conquest Guidebook' with key sections I've highlighted for you. Study those parts on 'How to Scheme and Break Up Earthling Couples' closely."

...

Although Xie Cheng was wealthy, tickets were still sold out. No matter how much Xie Cheng regretted it now, he could only steel himself to line up at the back of the long queue.

Lan Xi was better off, having ditched Xie Cheng just minutes ago to go to the bathroom herself, leaving Xie Cheng to hold their place in line.

Was this how a subordinate should behave?

Xie Cheng was truly getting a headache.

Fortunately, Xie Cheng was the sort of person who could efficiently utilize time anywhere. While waiting alone in line, he took out his phone and handled some simple emails and work arrangements.

However, just as he was engrossed in reading a report from his subordinate, he was interrupted by a hoarse, duck-like voice.

"Xie Cheng!"

The voice was full of grief, yet as loud as if its owner was speaking through a megaphone. Not only Xie Cheng, but even the others in line quietened down for a few seconds, attracted by the shout.

Looking to the voice, Xie Cheng saw a man wearing a T-shirt, surrounded by a few companions. They were all men, none of whom Xie Cheng recognized.

As Xie Cheng watched silently, this group walked right up to him.

Xie Cheng's brows furrowed slightly. He really didn't remember ever seeing this person before. "You are...?"

"You're asking who I am? How can you even have the face to ask who I am?!" In response to his ordinary question, the man suddenly became somewhat hysterical, as if exceptionally aggrieved.

If Xie Cheng hadn't known what was going on before, he was starting to get an idea now.

This was probably a scam.

First wheedling out some personal information about the target, then speaking to them familiarly as if they were old friends or acquaintances. Once the target showed confusion and made clear they didn't recognize them, the scammer would turn the tables and reproachfully blame the target for not remembering them, making up some random name and claiming to be an old schoolmate or something.

Sure enough, as if to prove Xie Cheng's thoughts true, the man's companions immediately started clamoring supportively, as if they shared a common enemy:

"That's right, Xie Cheng, you really do forget those close to you easily. How could you even forget something like this? Do you even have a heart?"

"What's the matter, pretending not to recognize us now?"

...

Xie Cheng gave a cold laugh as he watched them, quietly waiting for their next move. He had already started recording audio on his phone. He would let them go through the motions then report them to the police.

Sure enough, once the atmosphere had been appropriately set up and the crowd's attention brought to a peak, the man who had initially questioned Xie Cheng began.

His next sentence would be questioning how Xie Cheng could have forgotten an old classmate or friend. How utterly lacking in creativity.

Xie Cheng was perfectly calm, right until—

"Saying you don't remember me! That wasn't what you were saying in bed!"

The man questioning Xie Cheng suddenly put on a whimpering expression, yet his voice was louder than ever: "You made love to me so passionately. Yet now you ask who I am? Xie Cheng, you are heartless! Do you think you can just hit it and quit it and not take responsibility for me? That you can just bring your new flame to an amusement park? Let me make this clear, that won't happen! Today, right in front of your new love, I'm going to expose your ugly, despicable face! I'll let the whole universe know what a scumbag you are!"

Not just Xie Cheng, even the onlookers lining up were stunned speechless.

Xie Cheng was completely unprepared for this kind of development. The crowd's gazes had already turned contemptuous, after all, what kind of man would disregard public opinion and come out himself to prove he had been betrayed, even at the risk of being filmed and exposed on the internet? It must be an act of desperation, a last stand with his back against the wall!

Because his accusations were so explosive, the onlookers in line on both sides had already begun to be swayed:

"I just saw he had a woman with him in line earlier, so he was planning on cheating on someone for a shotgun wedding?"

"Shameless! Dumping your boyfriend just to trick someone into marriage and carry on the family line, how can you even call yourself human?"

"He looks quite handsome, who would've thought he was such a wolf in sheep's clothing..."

...

Bolstered by these voices from the crowd, the man questioning Xie Cheng became even more impassioned.

With eyes brimming with tears, he asked: "Xie Cheng, you don't want me anymore?"

"Last night in bed, you were still sweet-talking me, saying you would stand against the whole world for me, yet now you..."

Xie Cheng's face was black: "I don't know what you're talking about."

He had already called the police, but they wouldn't be able to arrive so quickly. Meanwhile, Xie Cheng found himself surrounded by the mob of self-proclaimed "justice-serving" onlookers:

"At least give him an explanation!"

"Have some basic decency as a human!"

...

The situation had suddenly become extremely tricky.

Xie Cheng was rendered entirely speechless. No matter how coldly he asserted his innocence, the mob refused to believe him...

He hadn't expected scams to have evolved to this extent in this day and age.

Just as he was about to be pushed into a corner, the man spoke again:

"I'm already pregnant with your child. How can you bear to abandon your own flesh and blood like this?"

Xie Cheng: "..."

Crowd: "..."

What kind of idiot was this?!

Xie Cheng looked at him grimly: "You're a man."

The man was puzzled: "Of course." He even bashfully smiled coyly at Xie Cheng, then continued in a stiff, formal way, as if reciting lines: "The child in my belly is a son who can inherit the family business and take over your career in the future. And I can satisfy whatever you want, be it having one, three, or more children. I will work hard to grow branches and leaves for the Xie family. I only beg you not to abandon me and our child..."

This was getting more ridiculous by the second. Just as Xie Cheng was about to angrily rebuke him, he caught sight of Lan Xi stomping over furiously, face filled with rage.

"You people are spurting blood from your mouths! This is slander against Xie Cheng!"

Fortunately, his part-time bodyguard had finally arrived at the critical moment.

Seeing Lan Xi's furious expression, Xie Cheng finally felt a sense of relief at no longer being isolated without reinforcements. Heaven knew what a ridiculous farce this had turned into, surrounded by these abnormal people accusing him. Right now, he desperately needed a normal person who could stand by his side and confront this insane mob together.

With his status, debating logically with these swindling lunatics could easily make him lose face. Leaving things to Lan Xi to handle would be more appropriate.

Such an outrageous accusation of a man getting pregnant was surely something that any normal person would know how to refute. Although the opposing fraud gang had quite a few people, Lan Xi should be able to handle it.

Sure enough, she gave Xie Cheng a glance and took the initiative to volunteer, "Leave it to me!"

Xie Cheng's face lightened up a bit.

Then, he heard Lan Xi's powerful and sonorous refutation word for word: "How can you prove that this child is Xie Cheng's?!"

"..."

"You claim the child is Xie Cheng's, have you done a DNA test? Have you done an amniocentesis? You're a man who looks undisciplined, wearing a T-shirt that reveals so much shoulder, and brought along so many other men who clearly have ambiguous relations with you. Otherwise, why would they help you for no reason? They must have indecent relations with you! As an unfaithful man, who knows if this child isn't yours and someone else's, and now you're trying to extort Xie Cheng into being a cheap father!"

The opposing gang was apparently stumped by the questions and didn't know how to respond. Their previously arrogant manner had completely deflated.

Lan Xi grew more vigorous in battle: "Furthermore, how many months has it been since conception?! You have to provide evidence that directly correlates the child's gestational age with Xie Cheng. Can you?!"

...

Xie Cheng suddenly began to suspect that the only abnormal person here might be himself, because Lan Xi and those scammers were clearly on the same logical wavelength and could communicate seamlessly...

Xie Cheng felt a little helpless and rubbed his eyebrows: "Forget it, I already called the police. We'll just wait for them to come and hand these people over."

However, upon saying this, Lan Xi's attitude took a drastic turn. She waved her hands repeatedly and said, "Wait! Let me talk to them alone for a bit! This could be a misunderstanding!"

After speaking, she grabbed two of the leaders of the group without further ado and headed to a nearby tree.

**

Although she hadn't been on the rollercoaster yet, Lan Xi felt like she had already experienced something more thrilling and dangerous than a rollercoaster today.

Once they were under the tree and away from Xie Cheng, Lan Xi finally breathed a sigh of relief. She then glared at the instigators in front of her—

"Are you out of your mind? How long have you been on Earth? Can you thoroughly study the 'Earthling Conquest Guide' before coming out and wandering around? Do you know you almost blew our covers just now?!"

As expected, looks of shock appeared on their faces.

Lan Xi didn't give them a chance to plead their case. She sighed, "Those lines you recited just now were verbatim from the guide's section on how to scheme and break up earthlings. I saw through your identities at first glance."

Lan Xi couldn't help but roll her eyes. She went on, "To live on Earth requires flexible application of knowledge, not dogmatic adherence. 'It's better to have no books than to believe them unquestioningly.' Have you heard that saying? Your statements just now were full of loopholes! Completely unconvincing! Anyone could tell with one look that there was something wrong with your brains!"

"Now look at me. My rebuttal of you was well-reasoned and logical. It bears the hallmarks of an outstanding earthling's thought process — rich in dialectics and logic, perfectly normal to allow me to integrate into Earth seamlessly without anyone suspecting me. People will only feel my cognitive abilities are extremely quick and that I'm brilliantly smart!"

"You are..." The two leader-like figures stared at the female protagonist for a moment before looks of sudden realization dawned on their faces. "You...you're Princess Lan Xi?! You're even more beautiful than the publicity posters! No wonder you looked familiar! We actually failed to recognize you earlier!"

Upon seeing Lan Xi, this group immediately poured out their grievances. Lan Xi finally understood what was going on.

"We had eyes but failed to recognize Mount Tai! But we were also forced by circumstances — it was your cousin Dong Ying who coerced us. We came to Earth wanting to find jobs, but met a shady broker who packaged us as top talents from Mu Yi Star when we aren't even really... We just wanted to come wash dishes or tighten screws in a factory! We never imagined your cousin would order us to make presumptuous moves against you, Princess!"

"But as expected of the Princess! Your rebuttal of our words just now was so slick and watertight!"

"It still has to be our Princess whose disguise as an earthling is so effortless! What you said was airtight and leakproof. You've completely learned to think using an earthling's mindset! That's the highest level of camouflage!"

After the flattery, one of them was nearly moved to tears, "But Princess, you must save us no matter what! We can't go to the police station! We don't even have Earth residence permits! We'd be finished if we went in!"

Another immediately took a stand, "We're willing to make amends!"

Lan Xi couldn't help but shake her head, "In your current state without thoroughly studying the Guide and not actually being Mu Yi Star's top talents, what contributions could you make?"

The leader sidled up to Lan Xi, "Princess, aren't you trying to conquer and possess that Earth man?"

Lan Xi frowned without responding.

"We still have some insight. We're willing to contribute to your great conquest!"

"Although we aren't top talents, we still have our own abilities. For example, I have an exceptionally loud voice, like a loudspeaker!" said the man who had loudly accused Xie Cheng earlier. He fawningly pointed to his companion next to him, "As for him, he can only manage a small area, but he can manipulate clouds to make it rain! And him, he can control electronic devices and magnetic fields!"

"The Guide says that to conquer these Earth men, romantic atmospheres catering to their tastes are often needed. Why not let us help create atmospheres to assist Your Highness! Tell us your needs directly. Consider it done!"

Lan Xi was moved.

She felt her subjects made a lot of sense. Although she had conquered Xie Cheng on the surface, he still hadn't brought up the ultimate issue of marriage. She was helpless without allies earlier, while facing threats from her detestable cousin trying to steal her man. External troubles combined with internal strife — the situation was extremely perilous. But now she would have helpers!

The most important thing for people is to know how to leverage help!

"You understand romantic atmospheres?"

Faced with Lan Xi's question, the few immediately thumped their chests and assured her, "We read the romance section of the Guide over and over on the way here until we knew it back to front! Creating romance is absolutely our specialty! What romantic preferences does that Earth man you want to conquer have? We'll prescribe the right medicine!"

Romantic preferences?

Lan Xi pondered before having a flash of inspiration, "Yes! He likes taking walks in the rain without an umbrella!"

"Likes walking in the rain... alright! Princess, we can basically analyze what kind of romance he likes based on that! We'll tailor-make a romantic plan for you! Do you have any other special instructions?"

Other matters...

Lan Xi thought about it. Indeed there were a few things: "Firstly, the queues are too long. I need you to find me a shortcut to get priority access to the rides. Secondly, to showcase my determination and charm today, I can't let that Earth man spend a cent no matter what. Find whatever way to handle that for me so that he has no way to pay. Thirdly, there are too many people in the amusement park which could impact atmosphere cultivation and my performance. It would be best if there were no random bystanders within a 2-meter radius around us today."

"Don't worry, Princess! We definitely won't fail our mission! Your needs perfectly match up with all our abilities! Perhaps this is our destined affinity!"

Lan Xi looked at the resolute and dependable faces before her and felt capturing Xie Cheng today would be a sure thing.

"But...that Earth man looks hard to deal with. What if he still wants to take us to the police station?"

This time, it was Lan Xi's turn to thump her chest and give assurance, "Rest assured! I've already been undercover on Earth for a period and combined with this Princess' superior learning capability and integration ability, I figured out long ago how to respond in such crisis situations."

As Lan Xi spoke, she pointed at a nearby cotton candy stand. A little girl there was crying and fussing for her mother to buy her cotton candy. However, refusal and anger showed on her mother's face.

"Look."

As if predicted by Lan Xi, sure enough, the next second, the girl hugged her mother's legs just as her mother was about to turn and leave, pulling her mother down and giving her a big kiss on the face: "Mom, I love you, I love you the most, mom! Please buy it for me! Just this once, baby won't buy things randomly anymore!"

The next second, the mother who had just revealed an angry look, as expected, softened her expression, with helplessness and doting: "You little rascal, mom will buy it for you this time, but not again!"

The little girl finally got the cotton candy, holding her mother's hand, walked away cheerfully...

Lan Xi withdrew her gaze, and began her on-site teaching: "On Earth, a kiss on the face represents intimacy and trust! I have observed such situations many times on Earth before, when you can't achieve your goal because the other party is angry, as long as you kiss them, and then express your fondness and desire for their trust, you can basically get what you want! Things like this are not described in detail in the Guidebook, so you have to be good at observing! Understood? ! Later if Xie Cheng is still angry, I will lead by example, you guys learn from me!"

"Got it! The princess is brilliant! As expected of our princess!"

"However the princess does it, we will do the same!"