NOVEL WEB On the day Wenxu Jiang came back from Hangzhou, he nearly screwed himself up. Thanks to Assistant Song, he told Jingwen Zhang to get the spare key from the company after many unanswered calls.
When Wenxu Jiang woke up, his mind still unclear. The strong sunlight made him dizzy but he managed to open his eyes after all. His voice could barely be heard. “Is Zhishu home?” He remembered when he lost consciousness, he seemed to see Zhishu He.
Jingwen Zhang heard him when he came out from the ward toilet. He gently sat next to Wenxu Jiang and said in a mild tone, “Wenxu Jiang, clear your mind, Zhishu He is gone.”
Wenxu Jiang, surprisingly, wasn’t worked up. He just buried most of his face in the pillow acting tired out. He sounded muffled, “You’d better leave if you are lying to me with them,” Then something seemed to occur to him. Wenxu Jiang added, “Don’t worry though. I won’t give myself a hard time again. I’m waiting for him to come back.”
Wenxu Jiang wasn’t joking. He did start to wait very patiently. He went back to work after getting out of the hospital. He took his pills on time. He became nicer to employees. He spoke less and hardly laughed. His eyes were so deep when he looked into the distance, filled with solitude.
His vitality and love seemed to be buried by that big snow.
When the winter was past, Wenxu Jiang became much thinner. He really had aged, not in a “mature” way that we would use to describe a successful businessman, but aged into silence and lethargy.
Wenxu Jiang never had another man or woman, not even for fun. Every day, he lived a clocklike life. He just went back home after work with that puppy. In the daytime, all those pet-loving girls in the company and Assistant Song took care of the dog, in the nighttime, Wenxu Jiang did.
Wenxu Jiang had changed a lot. He no longer hated living things with furs, for one thing. Sometimes, he would even sleep with that fluffy little thing in his arms. During the long night, a living creature could reduce the loneliness more or less.
He lived another six months in a walking dead state like this. He was no better than the dead actually.
In the summer, Wenxu Jiang talked business with an acquaintance that tried to please him. They went to Kaiseki. In the end, the bald guy meant to treat Wenxu Jiang with a boy, while Wenxu Jiang didn’t show any interest. He just looked down on his watch. It was eight p.m., when he needed to go home early.
The waiter opened the door, a young man in his early 20s came in. He didn’t speak, he was ushered to sit next to Wenxu Jiang.
Wenxu Jiang didn’t like someone sitting too close to him. He looked at this young man at last and he got light-headed. He saw this face that he was very familiar with and missed very much.
Big eyes, small nose, water caltrop-shaped mouth, white skin, soft black hair. The young man was the spitting image of Zhishu He when he just turned 20!
Wenxu Jiang felt like something clogged his throat, his eyes reddened, fingers shivering. Wenxu Jiang thought he seemed to have had a very real dream.
The bald guy reckoned he had got the right man. He grinned at Wenxu Jiang obsequiously, “President Jiang, have fun with Xiao Yuan. An old man like me wouldn’t follow your pace.”
“President Jiang.” The young man named Xiao Yuan said docilely.
Wenxu Jiang’s dream shattered into pieces. The edges cut him relentlessly, making him bleed. That day, Wenxu Jiang went crazy. He just exploded without warning. He kicked the wooden dining table over, saki and daifukus were over the place. He broke that bald man’s two teeth with his fist. He felt humiliated as if someone desecrated Zhishu He in his presence. Wenxu Jiang battered the guy in an unclear mind. All he thought was “Zhishu He isn’t dead yet. Are you sending me another him? Are you humiliating me or cursing Zhishu He?”
He looked back at the young man in loving eyes when he got out of the room. That face really frightened Wenxu Jiang. Still, he eased his tone. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” Wenxu came back, bent over to stroke on his cheeks and hair. His voice and eyes were so gentle at that moment. “Tell me, is this face yours or have you had a surgery?”
The young man was terrified. His face paled and he stammered, “Someone told President Wu… That my body shape was a lot like your late love… So he spent money to make me the man in the photo…”
Wenxu Jiang suddenly looked very mean. He couldn’t even put the politeness on his face. “My love is not dead. He is out. Understand?” He had the answer. This time, he just walked away coldheartedly.
If he was born another Zhishu He, Wenxu Jiang wouldn’t have the heart to touch him no matter what. He would even be willing to pay him to not go out as a social tool with that face. But Wenxu Jiang just couldn’t live with that man-made pretty face. How could he stand this so-called replacement of his true love? False love was a desecration.
Within a week, that face got cut.
Wenxu Jiang found something terrible after that incident. Zhishu He was absent from his dreams ever since. He would dream of him every once in a while, even though most of the time, Zhishu He was blurred. At least, he used to be able to see him but now, there was nothing.
Wenxu Jiang thought Zhishu He was upset about something getting close to him so he quit every party that involved sex. But Zhishu He was just not there anymore; he could do nothing about it.
Wenxu Jiang started to drink, in his own house, alone, like crazy. He thought getting drunk was the way to dreamland, but it turned out to be useless.
One day Wenxu Jiang was so drunk that he cut himself with a razor in the bathroom. In confusion, he seemed to see Zhishu He looking at him with a pair of pitiful and gentle eyes.
Wenxu Jiang started to hurt himself.
Jingwen Zhang was horrified when he met Wenxu Jiang again. It was early fall, Wenxu Jiang had already put on a formal suit, face looking like a corpse, with an aura of decadence around him. He was alive but Jingwen Zhang knew that Zhishu He had taken Wenxu Jiang’s soul away, leaving an empty shell in this mortal world.
Wenxu Jiang was in denial but did he really not know that Zhishu He wouldn’t come back? Jingwen Zhang knew Wenxu Jiang was making atonement. He couldn’t allow himself to not suffer; he even thought the eternal agonizing wait was best for him.
Wenxu Jiang looked at Jingwen Zhang and said, “I’ll be leaving in two months. I’m gonna travel around the world. Help me with company stuff. Pay yourself however you like.”
“At least you are not saying that you don’t want the company anymore.” Jingwen Zhang looked deep into his eyes and sighed lightly.
Wenxu Jiang shook his head and handed a pile of files to him. “I wouldn’t… You know this company pretty much belongs to Zhishu.”
Jingwen Zhang suddenly noticed that there was a stain on the sleeve of Wenxu Jiang’s dark shirt as he reached out his hand, which scented blood close up.
Jingwen Zhang grabbed Wenxu Jiang’s wrist and rolled up his sleeve forcefully. He was stunned, Wenxu Jiang’s forearm was full of scars deep and light, some scabbed, some still bleeding, interweaving on his forearm. The scene was appalling.
Jingwen Zhang pushed Wenxu Jiang away and scolded him, teeth gnashed, “Are you an idiot?! You are an adult. Why are you still acting like a self-hurting teenager?! Keep fucking yourself up, you!” Jingwen threw the files onto the ground, “Now you act like a big lover. Where were you when he was around?”
Wenxu Jiang stood aside with a dead face, watching Jingwen Zhang smashing everything on the desk.
Jingwen Zhang stopped when a small bag dropped on the ground. He was shocked by this thing. He picked up that little pack of white powder and looked at Wenxu Jiang with sad and strange eyes.
Jingwen couldn’t even get mad again. He stared at Wenxu Jiang for very long and asked in a low voice, “Tell me, what is this?”
Wenxu Jiang’s chest moved up and down intensely. As he slowly raised his head, Jingwen Zhang found this man crying. It was the cry of extreme grief. He even gritted his teeth to prevent the sound of cry. Wenxu Jiang opened his mouth, uttering the most despairing words, “Jingwen… I… I honestly don’t know what to do. Zhishu He wouldn’t see me… Not even in my dreams… Do you know only when I’m drunk and my body and heart are in extreme pain, I get to see him in a trance? But that’s not enough… You know druggies see the best illusions when they’re high, right? As long as I can see him clearly again… I’m willing to trade my life.”
Jingwen Zhang sighed, “Why would Zhishu He want to see you like this? Drug, huh? Zhishu He refused to see you when he was alive. He will still loathe you now that he’s dead.”
This simple blame was unexpectedly stronger than a bang on Wenxu Jiang’s head. His teeth started grinding, “I haven’t… I haven’t used it… Don’t say that. Zhishu will blame me if he hears you…”
Jingwen Zhang couldn’t say anything else. He didn’t know how long Wenxu Jiang could last like this? He put the small bag in his pocket and closed his heavy eyes, “When you come up with another stupid idea again… Think about Zhishu.”
Wenxu Jiang rested at home for another two weeks. He had no new scars. He started to tidy up the house and cook for two; to read books and watch movies that Zhishu He used to read and watch; to sleep with Zhishu He’s clothes in his arms. He had put himself outside the world.
When he got better, he looked into a lot of travel guide books. After making all the arrangements, he bought a ticket to start his journey.
He went to many places in the following year, he saw a lot of things and met a lot of people but no matter how fascinating or lively everything was, when he turned his back on them, he had to carry all the loneliness again.
Afterwards, Wenxu Jiang took to writing letters to Zhishu He. He liked to write on long-distance green trains. He went to unpopular places during tourist off-season. The train was empty, as Wenxu Jiang wrote, and the sun left light shadows of his pen on the paper. That moment, Wenxu Jiang felt his chest was puffed up by the long-missing sense of happiness.
He felt Zhishu He was right next to him, sharing their secret feelings. The letters were mailed out with strong warm love and craving.
Wenxu Jiang didn’t burn any of the letters he wrote to Zhishu He. In his eyes, Zhishu He was just on lonely vagrancy. He never filled in the addresses. He just mailed the letter aimlessly along with his hope and heart. He hoped that someday, his loved one would be able to read the letters and come back to him.
Wenxu Jiang’s love for Zhishu He was different from Ziyu Ai’s. Their relationship was more complicated because of all the wrong things that he did. The guilt and remorse on Wenxu Jiang was too heavy for him to forget.
Standing by Lake Baikal in Russia, Wenxu Jiang could feel his heartbeats, for the first time after Zhishu He was gone, were in synergy with some unknown world as he looked at the blue water. Wenxu Jiang asked himself for the first time that what if Zhishu He never came back? Would he wait forever?
Wenxu Jiang scooped a handful of water in a smile. He decided to wait another four years, to feel four years of pain and yearning Zhishu He once had, to make atonement. ‘And then? And then I will go find you, hell or high water, I will never let you go again.’
‘I will walk by your side forever and ever.’