NOVEL WEB You couldn’t feel that you were first falling in love with someone but no matter where you looked, your eyes would always lock on him in the end. The heartbeat for that person just couldn’t lie even if you were in denial yourself.
At first, Ziyu Ai felt sorry for Zhishu He, a leukemia patient that didn’t even have a close one there for him. Then, his heart ached for him when he saw him asking about his condition calmly in a low voice; waiting outside his office in silence wearing his thick down jacket; having trouble standing after his bone marrow puncture. And then, he fell for him when he saw him carrying the flowerpot in panic but very carefully; showing half of his face from his thick down jacket. He knew it was wrong but he still sunk into this feeling without making any effort to struggle.
Later, every time Ziyu Ai thought of Zhishu He, his big round eyes came to his mind first. It was a wet, gentle and loving pair of eyes with large eyeballs and little sclera. The second thing was Zhishu He’s voice, light and slow. A long sentence would become slow, soft music when he said it.
When Ziyu Ai knew the story between Wenxu Jiang and Zhishu He in the beginning, he wasn’t disappointed, but was mad. He thought Zhishu He deserved better. That man still couldn’t care less about him even when he was in that state. Ziyu surely hated Wenxu Jiang for having affairs out there while owning such a mild pure man. But at the time, it wasn’t Ziyu Ai’s place to do anything. He could only persuade Zhishu He to take medical treatment; he could only show his concerns as a doctor.
The only thing Ziyu Ai could do was pull every of his strings to find bone marrows for Zhishu He. Zhishu He didn’t care about his body but Ziyu couldn’t. The longer Zhishu He waited, the more eager Ziyu Ai was to calculate how many days he had got left because of professional habit. He genuinely felt bad for him; every time he saw Zhishu He’s pale face after his chemo, he could feel the urge of holding him tight in his arms, of taking care of him, of never letting him carry the burden on his own.
And then an impulsive kiss from Ziyu Ai changed the whole thing between them. He didn’t regret it. Only at that crazy moment, did Ziyu Ai realize how deep love he was in with Zhishu He.
So he could never let go. He took him away at the expense of his future and career. Even though he knew the ending would be painful, he drowned himself in that bitter-sweetness.
Every step they took together wasn’t easy. Ziyu Ai knew Zhishu He’s heart belonged to someone else, like for eternity. 14 years of love and hate, loving that man had become an instinct engraved in him. Ziyu Ai wasn’t a saint inclusive enough to ignore their old love but he didn’t have the heart to leave Zhishu He alone to deal with the pain and suffering all by himself. If two people shared the pain, would he shoulder less? He thought.
In fact, Ziyu Ai never felt the things he did for Zhishu He was too hard; he never thought of getting anything in return; only occasionally, he thought it would be great if Zhishu He actually liked him a little.
Later he found out slowly that Zhishu He’s heart was softer than he thought. Zhishu He also learned to accept him as Zhishu opened a little window on his heart.
Zhishu He never had a verbal agreement of “being together” with Ziyu Ai and he never said love and true heart to him. But for some reason, Ziyu Ai was so affirmative that Zhishu He did love him even just for one second.
One time, Zhishu He felt terrible at night, Ziyu Ai stayed by his side overnight; next noon, he could stand much longer so he fell into sleep on the couch. That was more like hypnagogic, during which people could hear but couldn’t open their eyes. Ziyu Ai could sense that someone put on a blanket on him very gently. That person didn’t leave right away, but stood next to him for quite a while and eventually covered him up a bit carefully. He spoke as if sighing, “Silly…” His tone was filled with pity. Ziyu Ai thus fell into a deep sleep.
When he woke up, it was already dark. Zhishu He had made dinner, a wholesome dinner. Zhishu He sat in the armchair next to the window, reading a book under dim light from a decorative lamp. The moment made Ziyu Ai wanna cry. He thought, even God wouldn’t have the heart to give his persistent love the cold shoulder. Everything you’d done wouldn’t just disappear; instead, they would be remembered.
It was good enough for Ziyu Ai. Even if they never had the relationship established, they were as close as a couple. Zhishu He wouldn’t resist him; instead, he had been trying to accept Ziyu Ai more.
But Ziyu Ai did fear more and more. He wouldn’t even dare to think about what he would become when Zhishu He was gone. Ten more years of being a doctor, he couldn’t save his love.
Ziyu Ai could never forget the night before Zhishu He’s birthday. They were so intimate that night, skin to skin, that they became one, but deep down, his heart ached so hard. When he kissed Zhishu He’s eyebrows, his tears wet his face. At that moment, he just wanted to hold him tight, tight enough to keep him with him forever and ever.
Zhishu He seemed to really have enjoyed his birthday. By the time he talked about Wenxu Jiang with him, Zhishu He was quite calm. Love and hate had taken up half of his short life. It was time to let go. But Ziyu Ai suddenly had a feeling that someone was going towards an end. He dared not to think yet the terror at the bottom of his heart spread like a drop of ink in clear water.
When he looked back at that day, it was probably that last happy day he had in his life, and the upcoming suffering days were already brewing back then.
Zhishu He left nothing in the end, no will. The last thing he said was how to deal with his body. He died on a sunny day. He said he wanted to watch the lake and the flowers in the garden from upstairs while his mind was temporary clear.
Ziyu Ai held Zhishu He in his arms. They sat together on the soft rug. He stroked his hair and face gently. “You will see blossoms after New Year. Just wait a bit, alright?”
Zhishu He slowly fell asleep in his arms. He didn’t look painful but he kept the frown between his eyebrows. Ziyu Ai eased his frown and said mildly, helplessly. “You said you wanted a view but here you sleep as you like.”
Ziyu Ai kept holding him until afternoon. Zhishu He didn’t fall asleep; he was in a coma. The room was so quiet that only the sound of Ziyu Ai’s heartbeats could be heard. He tested Zhishu He’s breath again and again. By dusk, Ziyu Ai suddenly saw Zhishu He open his lips. Ziyu leaned over to listen to his muttering, “The school is over… Let’s go home… together…” He watched Zhishu He as an explicit gentle smile appeared on his face. Ziyu Ai held him tight, he didn’t let him go for the whole night.
Could you imagine what it would feel like? The one you cared the most, you loved the most, you wanted to spend your entire life with, loses his breaths and heat little by little in your arms… That was the most desperate and painful feeling; that was the heaviest punishment one could have. The most unacceptable thing was the one he loved didn’t have him in his last memory.
Zhishu He’s ashes were spilled into Lake Baikal. It was a beautiful place, where the water was quiet and still.
One would tend to hold their feelings inside after taking a huge emotional shock. From Zhishu He’s death to the return from Russia, Ziyu Ai seemed to keep drowning in indifference. He even thought, “It’s okay for someone to live without another. Look at me. I’m over it, ain’t I?”
About Wenxu Jiang, he just vented his anger on him. He felt like he just wanted to insulate Jiang from everything that was related to Zhishu He. But when he re-entered their house, when he saw two pairs of slippers and tooth sets, the sheets well folded on the bed, the clothes he brought for Zhishu He in the wardrobe… His heart started to hurt, starting from the continuous small tingling to suffocating agony that would drive people mad.
After Zhishu He was gone, everything in this house meant nothing.
Ziyu Ai burst into tears abruptly. He didn’t look like a man in his 30s, his sadness was as pure and real as a 5-year-old boy would have.
And then Ziyu Ai went back to Beijing. There were two more things lived in his wallet ever since. A bank card with 150,000 yuan and a blurred picture of a man.
Ziqian Ai later had boy-girl twins. Ziyu Ai went to visit them. His brother showed a chubby boy in his arms to Ziyu Ai and said, “Isn’t he look like you when you were little?” Ziyu Ai smiled, “I don’t know how I looked like when I was little.”
Ziyu Ai was here to say goodbye to his brother. He had already had his Russia work visa, and he was going to stay there.
Ziqian Ai sighed, “Aren’t you troublesome? That man, still?”
Ziyu Ai nodded and then shook his head. “I will take care of myself.”
Ziqian Ai could never change his little brother’s mind; he just wanted him to have a good life.
“Do come home for me and Dad more often, and your nephews,” Ziqian Ai sighed, “Take care of yourself out there… If you meet someone, just give them a go.”
Ziyu Ai didn’t say no, but only smiled.
Ziyu Ai took a dog and four cats and a piece of memory there to start over. He no longer held a grudge against Wenxu Jiang. That message he sent was hurtful enough.
Ziyu Ai was too tired, he just wanted to cure himself quietly and slowly. He never had the strong feeling towards Zhishu He like Wenxu Jiang; he wasn’t that desperate to torture himself because he did nothing wrong, so he wasn’t guilty or regretful. Sometimes, guilt and regret overrode love.
He could live. It was just… he wouldn’t fall in love with someone else again.