Surviving marriage in yandere world

It was a normal day at the Royal Magic Academy.

Which, in Rei's tragic life, meant the birds were whispering assassination plans, the breakfast toast was likely cursed, and his textbooks had been replaced by annotated murder diaries. Again.

Still, for once, things were… quiet. No blade to the throat, no lecture from the Goddess of Unhelpful Guidance, nor angry yandere wives swinging warhammers over a spilled teacup.

Just peaceful silence. Naturally, that meant disaster was imminent.

Location: Royal Academy Garden Path, 11:14 AM

Rei walked beside Emilia under the soft morning sun. She was humming. Like someone who wasn't plotting to shank her lab partner.

It was deeply suspicious. Rei side-eyed her like a man who'd survived six assassination attempts and at least one romantic group ambush in a bathhouse.

"…You're very calm today," he said cautiously.

Emilia smiled sweetly. "I've been reflecting."

[System Suspicion Level: MAXIMUM.]

"Reflecting on what?" Rei asked, keeping at least two steps of yandere-safe distance between them.

"You," she replied.

Rei tripped over a garden root and nearly faceplanted into a rose bush.

[System Alert: Host stability compromised.]

[Recalibrating equilibrium sensors…]

[Processing romance-related trauma…]

[Error: Traumatic Flashback Limit Reached.]

He straightened, brushing leaves from his face. "M-Me?"

Emilia nodded, hands behind her back, her uniform fluttering lightly in the breeze. "Yeah. I've been thinking…"

Her tone was serious, focused. That was not sugar-sweet or bashful. It was just… real.

"Rei," she said, "I think you're kind of amazing."

Then Silence fell and birds stopped chirping and the wind also froze. A squirrel dramatically fainted from a tree.

Rei stood like a statue, blinking slowly. Then faster. Then slower again. His brain had entered buffering mode.

[System Alert: Emotion overload.]

[System Alert: Cognitive paralysis detected.]

[System Error: Cannot compute sincerity from non-yandere female.]

And then—

[System: SHUTTING DOWN.]

Ping!

[———]

System: Offline.

System: Dead inside.

Three Seconds Later

Rei crumpled to the ground with the grace of a collapsing puppet. Face-first into a patch of daisies.

Emilia blinked. "…Rei?"

She knelt beside him.

"Rei?! Oh my gods, did I break you?"

[System Rebooting...]

[Booting from Emergency Fluster Recovery Mode...]

[Emergency Protocol 66 Activated: Initiate Sarcasm Stabilizer.]

Ping!

[System Online.]

[Welcome back, idiot.]

Rei slowly opened one eye then both. He was staring up into Emilia's concerned face, haloed by sunlight. Her fingertips hovered just above his cheek, hesitant.

"…Did you just call me amazing?" he croaked.

"I—w-well—kind of?" she stammered, now fully red-faced. "I didn't mean to blurt it like that, it just slipped out because I thought you were being, y'know, sweet and brave and—ACK—"

Rei sat up too fast. Their foreheads bumped.

Thunk.

They both recoiled in synchronized panic.

"I-It's not like I meant it that way!" Emilia waved her hands. "I mean, maybe I did? But not in a crazy way—oh no, now I sound like your wives—"

[System Commentary: Congratulations. You've unlocked "Flustered Normie" Mode.]

[Achievement Unlocked: 💘 "Accidental Confession Heard at 99% Volume."]

[System Analysis: This level of sincerity is highly illegal in your current romantic biome.]

Rei stared at her, heart hammering like a war drum. For a moment, he remembered what normal romance looked like. There were no death threats, no possessive contracts in blood and any dagger-in-the-wedding-cake. Just a simple, honest compliment.

"Emilia…" he began.

A vine exploded behind them.

"FOUND YOU!"

Drakana crashed through the hedges, wings flaring and eyes glowing like an enraged wyvern in heat. She skidded to a halt, saw Emilia's hand hovering dangerously close to Rei's shirt, and snarled.

"Hands. Off. My. Man."

Seraphina appeared from thin air, dressed in her dueling corset. "She confessed, didn't she? I felt it in my soul."

Vivienne drifted from the shadows like a cursed curtain. "Her aura is glowing. She's entering the second phase. We must act."

Lilia fell from a tree with a somersault and a fireball in her hand. "GET THE CHASTITY CUFFS!"

Emilia shrieked and ducked.

Rei ran.

Location: Rei's "Safe Space" Closet – Five Minutes Later

He slammed the door. Barricaded it with a chair. Cast three beginner-level protection wards and one advanced "Stay Away From My Everything" seal taught to him by Rosette after her fifth blood pact.

His breathing came in short, terrified huffs.

[System Reminder: You've just been normally confessed to.]

[This is unprecedented.]

[Also, your life expectancy has dropped by 48%.]

There was a knock.

"Rei?" came Emilia's muffled voice. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cause chaos!"

The sound of something exploding in the background countered her statement beautifully.

Drakana bellowed. "NORMAL GIRL DETECTED. INITIATING DRAGON CLAW DUEL SEQUENCE."

Emilia's voice: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

Rei screamed into a pillow.

[System Suggestion: Play dead.]

Later That Day: System Therapy Room

[System Therapist: Dr. MEEP]

[Species: Imaginary Support Chicken]

[Specialty: Delusions of Normalcy Recovery]

Dr. Meep: "So Rei, tell me how it felt to be complimented by someone sane."

Rei: "Like my soul had a stroke."

Dr. Meep: "Understandable."

Meanwhile: The Yandere Council (Emergency Convocation)

Rosette stood at the head of the bloody chalkboard. "She's advanced. Faster than we anticipated."

Lilia nodded. "That compliment was nuclear-level."

Vivienne whispered, "There's a new scent on him. Something… vanilla-sincere."

Seraphina scowled. "Next thing you know she'll want to hold hands."

The room gasped.

Rosette narrowed her eyes. "Then there's no time. Operation 'Backhanded Compliment Blitzkrieg' begins now."

Next Morning:

Rei opened his locker and a pile of notes fell out.

"Your face is okay, I guess." – Lilia

"You didn't totally embarrass yourself in sword class. Well done, human." – Drakana

"I'd murder someone slightly slower if you asked me nicely." – Rosette

"You're better than poisoned tea." – Vivienne

"I might kiss you in your sleep. Accidentally." – Seraphina

He screamed into his backpack.

Emilia appeared beside him. "Rei? Are you okay?"

He turned slowly.

She held up a handmade lunch. "You're… still kind of amazing, by the way."

[System Alert: 💘 Emotional overload re-engaged.]

[System Status: Fainting in 3… 2… 1…]

Thud.

And Rei collapsed.

Emilia blinked. "Did I do it again?!"

Rosette, watching from a rooftop, sighed. "He has the romantic tolerance of a fainting goat."

Rei woke up in the infirmary. This was becoming a disturbingly regular occurrence—like morning coffee, but instead of caffeine, he got head trauma and the faint smell of antiseptic.

The nurse was gone. The bed next to him was empty. All was quiet instead too quiet.

[System Notification: This is what hunters call "the silence before the trap snaps shut."]

He sat up, scanning the room. No visible wives. No flying knives. No suspicious bouquets.

"…Maybe I'm safe," Rei whispered.

The door exploded inward.

"NEVER MIND—"

Rosette swept in, wearing what could only be described as "funeral chic, but make it romantic." She held a silver tray piled with… cookies?

"Eat," she said flatly.

Rei eyed the cookies like they were live grenades. "What's in them?"

She blinked innocently. "Love. And maybe a sedative. For your own good."

Before he could protest, Seraphina marched in from the other side, carrying a chalice. "Drink this."

Rei stared. "…Is that holy water?"

"Yes. Blessed by three high priests, one archangel, and my grandmother. It'll cleanse you of 'normie' influence."

[System Commentary: …The fact they think Emilia is a curse says a lot about your social circle.]

Then Drakana stormed in, slamming down a massive wooden chest. "I brought you armor."

Rei squinted. "…This is just dragon-scale chainmail with a giant lock where the zipper should be."

"Exactly."

Vivienne appeared silently behind him—because of course she did—and draped a black lace veil over his head. "It will obscure your charm from rival predators."

"I'm not a gazelle, Vivienne."

"You are exactly a gazelle."

Within two minutes, Rei was seated cross-legged on the bed, wearing armored pants, a lace veil, and being force-fed potentially sedated cookies while sipping sanctified water under four watchful gazes.

It was less "romantic recovery" and more "hostage diplomacy."

The door creaked open again.

"Um… hi?"

Emilia peeked inside, holding a small bouquet of fresh flowers. "I… came to check on you?"

The wives froze like predatory cats spotting an intruder.

Rosette's voice dropped to an arctic whisper. "…She's here."

Seraphina's hand slid to her sword hilt. Drakana's wings flared. Vivienne just… started humming the funeral march.

Emilia blinked. "I… I just wanted to give him these."

She stepped forward and set the flowers on the nightstand. Rei noticed they weren't enchanted, cursed, or bleeding. Just… flowers.

[System Analysis: Unknown object classified as "wholesome gift." Proceed with extreme caution.]

Rei touched one of the petals. "These are… nice."

Emilia smiled faintly. "So are you."

Time stopped.

The wives collectively inhaled like they'd witnessed an unspeakable crime.

Rosette's eyes narrowed to slits. "That's it. You're dead."

"WAIT—" Rei leapt between them, nearly knocking over the tray of suspicious cookies.

For one insane moment, the thought crossed his mind: I might actually have to defend Emilia from my own wives.

[System Alert: Heroic Action Detected.]

[Reward: +0.1 Dignity. Total: Still Pathetic.]

The standoff held for three tense seconds… until Lilia burst in, wearing full ceremonial robes.

"WE ARE HOLDING AN EMERGENCY WEDDING TRIBUNAL. GET HIM TO THE ALTAR!"

Chaos erupted.

Drakana grabbed Rei's arm. Rosette took the other. Seraphina blocked the door. Vivienne blew out the lanterns, plunging the room into gothic shadows.

In the commotion, Emilia just… stepped back, bewildered, holding her now-empty bouquet wrapper.

Rei was half-dragged, half-carried out into the hall.

[System Suggestion: Next time, just fake illness for a week.]

As they vanished into the distance, Emilia muttered to herself, "Seriously… what is wrong with these people?"

Somewhere deep inside Rei's mind, a small voice whispered: She's the only sane one left.

Unfortunately, that voice was immediately drowned out by the sound of wedding bells.

To be continued…