Stray Cat Strut

Chapter Sixty-One - @-Everyone Assemble

"If you want success, there's no better form of marketing than controversy."

--Henry Turnmore, presidential advisor, 2032

***

I was leaning back against the wall of some nice old building, waiting for Lucy's classes to finish, and trying my best to look casually intimidating, even though I was dressed in the school's standard uniform... plus a gun at my side and the ears on my head, but normal otherwise.

I had my arms crossed and eyes half-lidded. I had a couple of apps open at the moment, but shut most of them down. Sure, scrolling through an endless feed of kitty and puppy videos through one eye, while watching sexy thirst-trap videos in the other was relaxing, but I only had so many hours to waste in a day and I had a job to do.

A boring job, but it was my problem to take care of.

At the moment, I was trying my best to organize something for next Saturday, which meant getting into contact with everyone.

I'd drafted a short message explaining things, but before sending it, I figured it would only make sense to do some amount of work.

Mostly because I knew that if I just sent out a message that said 'hey, wanna go bug hunting?' all of my samurai friends would start asking annoying questions, like 'what sort of bugs' or 'when' or even 'where?'

I didn't want to have to be the one to provide answers, but I was the one sending the invite, so it only made sense that I'd take the effort to figure out the next step.

So, for that, I needed a map with known locations of Antithesis hives.

Myalis came in handy for that part. While I was uselessly searching the net, she pointed out some sites kept up by the government and updated by the military. Sighting locations, locations of known hive activity, timelines and schedules for when special clean-up teams would be sent into low-danger areas to wipe out whatever remained of the Antithesis staying there.

It painted the countryside around New Montreal in hues from green to red, with a smattering of pins and dots where sightings had been made and where seismic activity suggested a hive was tucked away.

There was a lot more than I expected, actually.

Maybe I shouldn't have been too surprised. The aliens we were fighting were nothing if not persistent. Kill all but one and that would be enough to start new hives most of the time. Wipe out a hive but leave a few metres of untouched hive material behind? Well, that might be enough for it to start growing again.

As long as there was biomass and some sort of energy, then the Antithesis would spread like some sort of god-damned virus.

I opened up a second map, then started adding pins on it matching the reddest areas on the map off the government site. Then it was as easy as plotting the shortest route between some hundred-odd points so that we reached all of them in the most efficient way possible.

Apparently that wasn't actually easy at all. Myalis actually went on to explain something about a traveling salesman, and route optimization, and how things only grew exponentially more complex when the mapped-out problem was simulated while taking into account additional factors, like... wind and shit.

I asked her for a solution, she made fun of me, I drew a squiggly line through all of the points like a four year old that didn't understand how to play Connect-the-dots correctly, then Myalis grumbled and fixed the route so that it was actually optimized.

I was happy, in the end, because it looked nice and professional, and also because my incompetence had once again saved the day.

With that done, I checked the group chat that we'd used for the Phobos Incident, created a branch, then posted a message in it.

Stray Cat: @-Everyone Hey!
Stray Cat: Heading out tomorrow to do some field-work, gather some points, and cull the local aliens.
Stray Cat: Map attached.
Stray Cat: We'll be leaving from my place around noon. Meeting point is the parking garage
Stray Cat: Wait, shit, how do I add Nya?
Stray Cat: @-Nya?

It took all of twenty seconds for someone to reply, then a few more jumped in.

Princess: I'll be there! <3
Princess: I look forward to working with everyone
Princess: Especially you, Miss Stray Cat! <3 <3

I cringed.

Shy: Okay. I will be there. As agreed. Thank you.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
Gomorrah: I'm afraid that I have a prior commitment tomorrow.
Gomorrah: With regards to the conclave.
Gomorrah: However, this is a good idea. It'll make for good PR, and possibly remind people of the number of people in our coalition and their firepower.

Of course. When did Gom become such a PR-whore?

Crackshot: Can't! Date night. But y'all have yourselves a good time!
Emoscythe Mordeath Noir: I'm afraid I have a prior engagement that afternoon with some hand-on tailoring.

Okay... well, good for him. Maybe.

Grasshopper: I'd love to attend, if I may!
Stray Cat: We'd love to have you GH.

No reply from Gros Baton or Hedgehog, but last I'd heard, they were both doing alright.

So, me, Princess, Shy and Grasshopper? That wasn't too bad. Then I got a ping as a new member joined the conversation.

Nya: Nya nya nya nyan nyan nya nya (I'll be there!)
Nya to English Translation Bot: Meow meow meow mew mew meow moew (I'll be there.)

God, what did I do to deserve any association with that woman?

Fortunately, my lord and saviour Lucy showed up, followed by her usual gaggle of stans. She lit up on seeing me, then darted ahead so that we could show these prudes why so many people frowned on public displays of affection.

"Hey," I said. "How was class?"

"We made cake," she said with a grin. "But it was kind of boring otherwise. Lots of chat about safety and stuff, and I might miss the next class on principle."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's some segment with an HR professional that'll go on about why unions are bad for the cooking and kitchen industry. You know the type. I'll either have to not show up or be a bitch the entire class to make a point."

"Aww, poor Lucy," I said.

"I know, I'm so pitiful and weak," Lucy whined. "Cat, my army of darkness is taking so much effort to form."

"There there," I replied. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Walk you back?"

"Oh? I thought you'd been standing here for the last half hour for just that?"

I stole another kiss, as revenge for that remark, then our hands intertwined and I started leading us back to the Bastion. On the way, I told her about my plans for the next day while she nodded along.

"You know, Gom's not entirely wrong. If you film that stuff and put it online, it'll make bank."

"I think we have enough to get by," I said.

"Not like that, I mean... it could be like that, but I wouldn't. It'd cheapen what you're doing if you tried to make money from it. I mean... more like in the sense that a lot of people would watch and pay attention."

"Yeah, but that could be dangerous. We've got newbies, and I'm not that experienced either. I'll be telegraphing all of our weaknesses."

"Ah, I hadn't thought of that, I guess," Lucy said. "Maybe if you cut it up into a long-form video? But yeah, even then. Maybe not, then. We can still let people know what you did. Results speak pretty loudly sometimes."

"Mhm. Pictures of big smoking craters would do a lot to remind people of some things," I said.

Lucy giggled. "Exactly! Maybe we can toss some of my new recruits into them."

"Trouble?" I asked.

"Incompetants," Lucy said. "Lots of new members, but only one in five actually know what they're doing. Sometimes I wonder if all those old people complaining about the youth being dumb and lazy aren't right."

"Nah, it's survivorship bias. The dumb lazy ones didn't make it to being old," I said.

"Oh, that makes a lot of sense. You're very smart sometimes, Cat."

"I'm smart all of the time because I offload all of my smart thinking to smarter people than me," I said. "Since I don't need thinking space in my brain, that frees up a heap of space for other, more interesting things."

Lucy snorted. "Smart and silly in equal measure."

"Sexy too," I added. "But yeah, if you need help with your new members, lemme know?"

"Nah, I'll be fine. Like I said, one in five are clever. Just got to figure out which ones in fives that is and offload all the hard tasks onto them and give the rest menial labour. We're working on scouting out the casino now. Did you know that there's a conference on all weekend? The yearly international meeting of North American Orthodontists."

"I didn't know that, and I find it hard to care," I said. "What even is that?"

"Iunno, I'm not rich enough to have anything to do with people whose titles end in 'ist.'"

***