Separation Anxiety

22.

#Age of Curiosity

“You’ve really grown up.”

It was a mumble, almost like talking to himself. There was no need to ask who the subject of “grown up” was – it was clearly about himself.

“To think you’ve reached the age to look for such things.”

It might have been better if he had scolded him for watching such things. His voice was so quiet, almost sunken low, that it made Dawoon’s heart beat faster.

“I wasn’t looking for it.”

That was the best excuse Dawoon could muster. On one hand, he thought he wasn’t a child anymore, and watching such things shouldn’t be a big deal. However, Hayun’s gaze, unlike usual, was cold. The usual underlying kindness and gentleness were nowhere to be felt. That’s what flustered Dawoon.

“Then, where did it come from?”

Hayun’s voice itself seemed similar to usual. But his expression was different.

“A friend…”

For some reason, he felt he shouldn’t mention that Ui-hyeon had sent it. He could clearly tell that Hayun was displeased, and that made him feel even more strongly that he shouldn’t mention Ui-hyeon.

“They sent it as a graduation gift.”

It wasn’t a lie, so why was his heart pounding so hard? Why did Ui-hyeon have to send such a useless thing… The timing couldn’t have been worse. Usually, Hayun rarely came to his room. Why did he have to come now and see this? If he had watched such videos often, he might not have felt so wronged, but this was truly the first time.

“Which friend?”

As expected, the anticipated question came. Dawoon pressed his lips together and lowered his head, avoiding Hayun’s gaze. Realizing that he had no intention of answering, Hayun let out an audible sigh.

“If it’s difficult to say, I won’t ask anymore.”

Relieved by those words, Dawoon raised his head, only to meet Hayun’s intense stare. He swallowed hard again.

“When did you start watching these things?”

Surprised by the unexpected misunderstanding, Dawoon shook his head vigorously.

“I’ve never watched them. This was really the first time.”

“…”

“Really.”

He was telling the truth, but his voice gradually faded under Hayun’s gaze.

“Okay.”

The calm response was even more frightening. It might have been better if he had given a long lecture.

“I’m confiscating this.”

Hayun said, picking up the tablet PC. Although Dawoon kept quiet because he knew he had done something wrong, his first thought was how he would attend his college lectures without it.

“I’ll return it before the semester starts.”

Hayun answered as if reading Dawoon’s thoughts. While Dawoon felt relieved, he also wondered if taking just the tablet made any sense. He had a computer and a phone too. In fact, if he wanted to, he could watch such videos anytime, as much as he wanted. If the goal was to prevent him from watching adult videos, shouldn’t Hayun take away his phone and computer too? Could it be that he hadn’t thought that far?

Lost in thought, Dawoon found himself staring at Hayun. Noticing his gaze, Hayun asked, “What?”

“I was just wondering if taking only that makes any sense.”

Dawoon gestured towards the phone and computer on his desk. Hayun, who had been staring silently, chuckled as if finding it absurd.

“You could watch them anytime if you wanted to, right?”

“You’re being frank.”

“I really haven’t watched them before.”

As Dawoon added this excuse, a faint smile finally appeared on Hayun’s face.

“Alright. I believe you.”

The words of belief seemed to ease the tension a bit.

“Maybe it’s my fault for overlooking that you’ve reached an age of curiosity about such things.”

Dawoon, who had been relaxing, looked up at Hayun’s next words.

“It’s not that I was particularly curious…!”

Dawoon’s eyes widened as he spoke. Hayun had grabbed his arm and forcefully pulled him to his feet.

“Hyung?”

It didn’t hurt, but he couldn’t understand the sudden action. With his arm still held, he just blinked, looking at Hayun.

“Curiosity, huh…”

The muttering was so low that Dawoon couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying. As he was about to tilt his head in confusion, Hayun’s face suddenly came very close. With the distance shrinking alarmingly, Dawoon instinctively tried to move his face back, but his arm was still held, limiting his movement.

“Haven’t you ever thought about wanting to try it for real?”

“Huh?”

The whispered voice so close to him made his hair stand on end.

“Hyung, my arm…”

The proximity was uncomfortable. He spoke, thinking that if his arm was released, he could step back, but instead of loosening, Hayun’s grip tightened. Dawoon winced as it started to hurt, but Hayun didn’t seem to notice.

“Like kissing…”

His lips were so close they almost brushed against Dawoon’s as he spoke. That’s how close they were. It was an absurd thought. His mind must be going in strange directions because of the video he had just seen.

“Hyung!”

Dawoon pushed against Hayun’s chest with his free hand. Finally, the distance between them increased enough for him to properly see Hayun’s face.

“My arm hurts.”

He spoke again, gesturing with his eyes towards his trapped arm. Hayun’s gaze, which had been fixed on his face without moving, was overwhelming. It was also disconcerting because he had never acted like this before. Was he angry? Just a moment ago, he had smiled and said he understood and believed him… Hayun’s words and actions seemed to be at odds. Dawoon was confused, unable to grasp what Hayun was thinking.

Hayun seemed to be taking deep breaths, his chest visibly rising and falling. However, no sound of exhaling could be heard. Only then did the strength in his hand loosen. As Dawoon unconsciously rubbed the area that had been held, Hayun’s gaze followed the movement.

Silence fell again. Dawoon, unsure of what to say, kept his mouth shut.

“I understand your curiosity, but don’t get too caught up in that kind of thing.”

Hayun’s tone returned to normal. Glancing up, Dawoon saw that the inexplicable coldness from earlier had completely disappeared, replaced by a gentle smile as if nothing had happened.

Something still feels off…

Although he felt a sense of dissonance, Dawoon didn’t know how to explain it.

“When did you say the freshman orientation was?”

The topic changed naturally.

“From next Thursday, for two nights and three days.”

“Are you going?”

Hayun asked again, even though Dawoon thought he had already told him he was going.

“People say it’s better to go. I’ve signed up with Ui-hyeon.”

“Hmm.”

Hayun made a long nasal sound instead of saying he understood. He didn’t seem to entirely agree with Dawoon’s words.

“Is something wrong?”

Hayun had been acting strange in many ways today. No, everything had been fine until they returned home.

“Next Friday…”

Hayun started to say something but then closed his mouth. He glanced at Dawoon’s expression.

“What? What is it?”

Dawoon wondered why Hayun was hesitating to speak.

“It’s Grandfather’s birthday, so there will be a gathering.”

“Ah…”

Dawoon’s face hardened as he remembered the fact he had completely forgotten. Grandfather never sought out Dawoon on any other occasion, but his birthday gathering was different. It was a day when all relatives gathered, and Dawoon had to make an appearance.

“If you want to go to the orientation, you can.”

Dawoon shook his head at Hayun’s words. If he hadn’t known at all, it might have been different, but now that he knew it was on that day, he couldn’t miss it. He was already disliked, and if he skipped it for a freshman orientation, who knows what would be said behind his back. It didn’t matter to him since he never met the relatives anyway, but Hayun would have to hear all those comments.

“No, I’ll attend.”

Hayun nodded with a faint smile at Dawoon’s answer. It seemed he had come to tell him about this in the first place. After telling Dawoon to rest, he left.

Clunk. Only after the door closed did Dawoon let out a big sigh. The taut nerves seemed to finally relax.

What was that?

Looking at the closed door, he replayed Hayun’s actions and words from earlier. It didn’t seem like he was simply angry about catching him watching porn… Although that was the trigger, it felt like something more…

‘Like kissing…’

The low whisper in his ear came back to him. The closeness, where their lips had almost touched, vividly resurfaced.

I’m crazy. What am I thinking?

Shaking his head, he went to the window and opened it wide. The cold February wind rushed in, biting at his skin. As he felt the chilly air, his unsettled feelings seemed to calm down a bit.

***

Back in his room, Hayun immediately called Director Park.

“Please inform them that next Friday would be good for Grandfather’s birthday gathering.”

[Friday? Not Saturday?]

“Yes, Friday.”

If it were Saturday, Dawoon could attend after returning from the orientation.

[Understood. I’ll proceed with that arrangement.]

After ending the call, he put Dawoon’s tablet PC down on his desk with a thud. His eyes quietly moved to the tablet. Until now, he had left it alone since it was only used at home, but he thought he should install a mirroring program linked to Hayun’s computer on it as well.

His gaze shifted to the turned-on computer monitor. On the screen, what appeared to be CCTV footage showed Dawoon’s room, with Dawoon standing by the window.