Rising Shards

It was quiet in the backyard. There was a recent storm, so the snow was high. I stomped around it in my boots. I like the peace of it, but my wandering didn’t ease my upset stomach. I felt far away looking at the twinkling snow. Like my mind was leaving me.

The back door opened, shining a new light on me.

“Feels like winter’s here to stay now.” Dr. Diast said. “You doing alright, bud?”

“I’ve never had a backyard before,” I said. “And it’s not really cold out.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question,” Diast said.

Diast got out some chairs from the patio and sat down. She didn’t make me sit by her, but I wanted to sit even if they were kind of uncomfy backyard chairs that felt weird to sit on with the piles of snow around us.

“I don’t want to intrude, of course,” Diast said. “But I feel like if this was just a stomach virus or whatever you wouldn’t be doing laps out here. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I dunno.” I said. “I mean, yeah, it’d be good to talk about it, yeah. It’s probably not a virus, unless my pill suddenly made me sick.”

“It shouldn’t,” Diast said.

“I think…I have a guess why, but. I don’t know.”

“What do you think?” Diast asked.

“I feel really sick. The kind of sick I get when I screwed something up really bad.”

“Did you screw something up really bad?” Diast asked.

“I…maybe?” I said. I picked up some snow in my mittens and threw it. “So that new girl, Marmalade? She like, noticed me. Noticed that I’m trans. And like, that’s happened before of course. But usually it’s just a passing look. She talked to me about it. And I don’t know, it made me feel weird. Like I’ve been messing this up. Like…I’m not making any sense, am I?”

“How about you just talk this out the best you can?" Diast suggested. "I’m following you so far, but maybe it’s something you need to say out loud to really piece it together.”

“Like, OK,” I said. “I’m trans. But. I don’t talk about it much…and after my fangs came in…ugh, I know we’ve talked about it in appointments…sorry if this gets gross is all.”

“Trust me Zeta, I’ve seen a lot of gross in my day, and I have a feeling nothing you got will be on that level. You’re good.”

I took a deep breath. “Like, Cani can…” My stomach felt queasy again. “I just worry that I cheated and busted something up. Like once I started taking the pills, the…”

“If you want, we can go inside if you don’t feel comfortable talking about this out here,” Diast said.

“No, I’m fine, there’s nobody else out here,” I said. “It’s just hard to say out loud. I know we’ve talked about it before…but I’ve never felt guilty about it before, I guess.”

“Guilty about transitioning?” Diast asked.

“Yeah. Or, no, but. Like, OK, I started transitioning like forever ago. But pre-Cani transition was a lot different than post fangs, you know? Cani all can shapeshift. At least, I think. I mean, I know in my case, but. Ugh, Dr. Diast. This next part is gonna start kind of gross.”

“Like I said, it’s all good.” Diast said.

“Alright…” I said. “I know this is TMI, but, you were one of my doctors when this was going on, so you know some of it. I took the new pills after my fangs came in, and it, er. Like it changed me. To how I wanted to be. To the me I feel like I am. So I got to be me fully, and…you know.” I gestured around my tummy and hoped that gesture would be enough. “Like, OK, periods suck, but. I can’t…tell you how happy I was the first time I had one. I didn’t even check 3WMB as much as I normally do. I became what I always felt like I was so quickly thanks to being a Cani. And I fell into that so fast that I feel like I cheated. I sometimes haven’t even remembered to tell people I’m trans.”

“You don’t have to tell anyone.” Diast said. “That’s entirely up to you.”

“I know, but,” I said. “When Marmalade talked to me about it…she can’t take the pills I take. It…I felt like I had done it wrong. Like I skipped a bunch of steps, like my puzzle piece came together too fast. Rising Shards was a fresh start for me, but I’m afraid I’m letting the old me down, the me from before I got my fangs.”

“How so?”

“I just…it’s been a long time since I’ve even felt dysphoric," I said. "And today was the first time in a while it really hit me. And it sucks. Me thinking I missed steps brought me back to how I felt forever ago when I didn’t feel at all right in my body, when I couldn’t put words to it. It’s like…” I sighed. “I think I did it again, Dr. Diast.”

“Did what?”

“That thing I always end up going to you for advice about,” I said. “When I run from my feelings too long and they smash into me. I guess…in a way I have been putting my trans feelings away. I felt like I won, right? I’m a girl now. I mean, I was before, but.”

“You started transitioning well before you had your fangs,” Diast said. “You just had a different form of treatment. Just because some Cani have a quicker path in transitioning doesn’t mean you cheated. There are lots of roads in transition that lead to similar destinations, and there’s a different one for everyone at the end of the day. I’m incredibly glad Cani have such physical malleability that those of us that are trans can have such a smooth path. But that doesn’t mean Echela don’t have a smooth path, either. Sometimes their paths just take longer.”

“I feel guilty that my path was shorter, though,” I said. “I think that’s part of why I’m feeling so sick. Like lingering dysphoria I thought I was over and guilt about the times I didn’t feel dysphoric, like. I just feel bad. This pit in my stomach won’t go away. Did I mess something up?”

“I don’t think you did,” Diast said.

Dr. Diast could tell by my expression that I didn’t buy that I hadn’t messed something up somewhere. “From what you’re telling me, you feel like you messed up because you’re trans, and that being a Cani made your transition a fairly smooth and quick process so far once your fangs came in. Is that on track?”

“Yeah, that’s…that sums it up.” I said. “Isn’t that stupid? I’m usually so like, proud. That’s how Stella raised me to be. Even before my fangs, when I was just getting the blocker shots, like…I didn’t feel all sick like this about it, I guess. I’m making no sense and jumping around, I’m sorry. But I’m feeling really crappy and sick, and I just can’t…it’s just taking over my thoughts. But then I’m not really thinking about anything except how bad I feel for being me. The pit in my stomach feels worse when I think about me being transgender, and that’s never happened like this before. I don't even usually feel like this about the other trans people who I get my meds with, so I don't even know why I'm hit so hard today.”

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way,” Diast said. “I hope that even with the bad feeling, deep down you know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your transition. You’re not a fake for the parts that are assisted by being a Cani, you didn’t cheat anything or anyone, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about any of it. I know you’re highly empathetic, so it may be hard, but you didn’t take anything away from anyone. You were brave enough to recognize what was missing in your life a long time ago, and you’ve gotten to enjoy the fruits of that once your fangs came in. I’m proud of you for going through all of it, Zeta. You basically stacked up a bunch of puberties on top of each other and you’re still coming through them an awesome person. I hope you can recognize that once the bad feelings fade. You’ve done some exceptionally brave things since I’ve met you, and I hope you give yourself credit for them.”

I sniffed, mostly from the cold but my eyes were definitely welling up from hearing that. “I’ll…I’ll try,” I said. “So you don’t think I’m a bad person for the way I’ve done this so far?”

“Hey, bud, I absolutely don’t,” Diast said. “It’s thoughts like that that do worry me, though. It might be just a funk right now, but if it keeps up, I definitely think you could talk to someone like a counselor. I’m always happy to help obviously, but if it’s a mood disorder, or even just untangling all the really awful stuff you’ve been through lately, someone specifically trained for that might be better.”

“Yeah…” I said. "Oh, wait." 

"Hm?"

"I didn't even think of that," I said. "Speaking of that really awful stuff...you think this might be maybe from me reacting to beast tendency too?"

"How so?"

"Like. Maybe I'm kinda subconsciously freaking out that my body got changed without my will, and it got all jumbled up with the good changes I had with my body, and then I got all stressed about it." I said. "Saying it out loud it uh, I think that might be a big part of it. This morning was the first medication session since that. Mix that in with meeting Marmalade, and I get all weird about my transness."

"It would make sense," Dr. Diast said.

"Huh." I said. “But I don't...feel like talking about them any more tonight. Parent stuff is too much for my brain on top of trans stuff."

"No worries, you talk about what you feel comfortable talking about."

"I probably should to a counselor about all this, yeah. Oka talked to me about her therapist, and he sounds cool. I could…probably use that, yeah. And um…”

“What’s up?” Diast asked.

“I’m still a girl, right?”

“At the end of the day, only you can tell yourself that,” Diast said.

“I know,” I said. “But my dypshoria’s kind of loud right now and I could use someone I trust busting it up.”

“You’re absolutely a girl, Zeta. You are one of the girliest girls I’ve ever had as a student.”

“Thanks.” I said. “OK, my face is getting kind of numb now from the cold.”

“Wanna go inside?” Diast asked.

We got the chairs back onto the porch.

“Thank you.” I said, giving Diast a sudden hug. “I’m gonna go tell Stella how good you are at this. You can’t say no to that, sorry.”

Diast patted my back. “OK, but if I kind of resist when you tell her, then she won’t think I put you up to it.”

“You don’t have to; Stella could tell if I was put up to it.” I giggled.