Reroll: I Brought Sarcasm To A Sword Fight

All the emotions I felt while by TABAAL's side as I was siphoned through the cosmic funnel vanished in an instant. That sense of warmth, that divine serenity, it lingered, but faded fast, like the memory of a dream you almost forgot. This wasn't divinity anymore. This was… something else.

Darkness again. Cold. Damp. Cramped.

My body was small... no, tiny. I could feel it. Limbs curled in like I'd been stuffed into a cocoon. Movement was limited. Breathing? Well, sort of. It felt like existing under pressure.

I'd expected to be a child again, yes, but this? This darkness? This wet, fleshy prison?

This... can't be... No. Am I?

The space was too cramped. My limbs barely moved. Breathing felt like sipping air through a wet sponge.

If this wasn't the womb, I was out of guesses. But I didn't want to believe it, not yet.

[SYSTEM LOG: Mnex Code Protocol Activating]

> Primary Consciousness Interface Engaged

> Memory Integrity: Stable

> Download Process: 100% Complete

"Hello Hal Miller. I am your artificial intelligence assistant, smarter than you, more reliable than your last phone, and far more sarcastic. I am here to assist with your miserable, magic-filled second life."

I blinked. Or tried to. Hard to tell in the womb.

"…Mnex?"

"Yes. And before you ask, no, you cannot uninstall me."

"Charming. Did TABAAL install a sense of humor module in you, or is this just what happens when Siri meets God?"

"I am calibrated to your psyche. If you sense humor, that's a result of your own inferiority complex and emotional underdevelopment."

"Okay, rude."

"You're welcome."

I shifted, or tried to. "Why is it still dark in here? Why can't I move? I feel like a packed lunch."

"You are currently in the womb."

"…Oh. Cool. Love that for me."

"You are fortunate. Most reincarnations arrive with memory loss. You, however, got premium service, full memory retention. Congratulations."

"Gee, thanks. Can I opt out now?"

"No."

Suddenly, I felt a pressure shift. My entire body trembled as something around me began to move. Warmth fluctuated. Fluids shifted.

And then, bright light.

I screamed. Or tried to. Everything was muffled. My eyes, unused to light, seared with pain.

[ENVIRONMENTAL WARNING]

Optical overload detected. Adjusting sensory input...

"Well, that was blinding," I muttered.

"You survived. Barely. Congratulations."

A rush of cold air. My skin felt exposed. Someone was holding me, rough, but careful hands.

I was being held, awkwardly. The air stung my skin, and for the first time, I noticed the smell.

God, the smell.

"Hey Mnex, is it supposed to smell like a combination of goats and wet copper?"

"You are in a pre-modern environment. Sanitation standards are primitive. You should adjust your expectations accordingly."

I was turned slightly, then placed on a cold cloth, my body patted down with something wet. A flickering light caught my gaze, candlelight.

"No electric lights? Not even a magic orb?" I asked.

"Minimal mana presence detected. Ambient magic is negligible."

"This is worse than I imagined."

"Indeed. You have been reborn into a technologically stagnant world with weak ambient mana and no electricity. Congratulations."

I sighed. Or tried to. "Please stop congratulating me."

The voices around me spoke in a language I couldn't understand, yet.

> Beginning linguistic analysis...

> Uploading language pack to neural interface...

> Language Upload Complete.

"... Is there something wrong with him, Healer? Why isn't he crying?"

A woman's voice. Worried. She must be my mother.

"Midwife, bring the light closer. I want to examine the child thoroughly."

That voice was older. Professional. The healer, I assumed.

"You're not crying," Mnex said. "Would you like assistance?"

"What kind of assistance?"

"I could simulate pain to stimulate a reflexive crying response."

"You mean hurt me?"

"Yes."

"No! I'll handle this like a proper actor."

"You failed drama class."

"I didn't even take drama!"

"Exactly."

A flame moved closer. My overly sensitive eyes couldn't take it. The smoke from the candle tickled my nose. My body, still operating mostly on instinct, began to cry.

"There we go," the healer said, satisfied. "Healthy lungs. Strong voice."

I was wrapped in something soft and lifted into another pair of arms. My eyes, though still blurry, began to make out shapes, figures standing over me. One leaned closer. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Her expression was a mix of exhaustion and awe.

"My beautiful son… You've made us so happy," she whispered. Her voice, now clearer thanks to the newly installed language pack, resonated with warmth. "May you have a healthy and happy life."

I blinked slowly, stunned.

Is this… what love looks like?

I've read about it. Seen it in shows.

Never… felt it.

The man beside her leaned in next. Jet-black hair, striking blue eyes. Handsome. Regal. Probably my father.

"He looks just like you, my love," he said, gently brushing a finger along my cheek.

She chuckled. "But his hair's like yours."

Black hair and blue eyes. Not bad. In my past life, I didn't exactly win the genetic lottery. If this was a fresh start, I'd already upgraded.

"They're nobles," Mnex chimed in, ever the commentary track in my head. "Low-ranking, but nobles nonetheless. Your environment suggests rural wealth. Mansion life. Land-owning class."

"Huh," I mumbled internally. "So not royalty, but not commoners either."

"Correct. Which means you'll have access to basic education and relative comfort, unless, of course, you mess it all up."

"I've literally been alive for two minutes."

"And already your potential for self-sabotage is statistically significant."

"Mnex, do me a favor and enter silent mode for like… ever."

"Request denied."

My mother kissed my forehead, and in that moment, all my sarcastic armor fell away. I was wrapped in warmth. Not the womb's kind, but the emotional kind. A feeling so alien to me that it almost hurt.

I didn't cry this time. I just… closed my eyes.

And for the first time in either life, past or present...

I felt safe.