Play Test: Stuck in Another World as a Reality TV Contestant

I couldn't imagine how the Cranes would defend this place in court if it ever got raided by the police. The door Mao led me to was lacquered a traditional red and carved with an elaborate relief of a great crane spearing a snake with its beak. It was awesome—and if the Cranes ever did start beef with me, I was absolutely stealing it for my bedroom—but it did lack any subtlety whatsoever.

All six-and-a-half feet of 'Fat Frog' Hsieh greeted us on the other side of the doorway with a long, steely stare. I knew the man only by his grisly reputation of brutal street fights and a now legendary bank van robbery. Hsieh was said to have tanked the moving armored truck head-on and held it still while his men went to work.

He let Mao slip past him but clapped me on the shoulder, stopping me in the threshold and filling it with his bulk before I could even get a good look at the room beyond. "Gotta pat you down, kid."

"Huh? What for?" I blinked up at him, genuinely confused. "I could kill you with a shoelace."

His grip tightened painfully. "That a threat?"

"No? What are you, fucking stupid? If you've got to ask if I'm threatening you, then I'm obviously not threatening you, or else it would be a terrible threat. Duh." I sighed. "Fucking Triads. Look, I'm only here because I was invited. If you guys are going to be assholes, then I'm leaving. I don't even like you people."

I moved to push Fat Frog's hand off, but a male voice from behind the big man came through before I could make the contested check. "It's alright, Hsieh, let him through. He's our guest."

The giant let go of my shoulder, stepped aside, and nodded amicably at me. I guess after a lifetime of heated confrontations on the streets, you stopped taking them so personally.

The room was half private office, half quiet parlor – a space where leadership could spend their time free of pounding bass beats, silent the moment the door closed behind me.

"Uncle Hou!?" I exclaimed incredulously.

The man who had given the order to let me in was the most conspicuously inconspicuous person here, wearing a suit I'd seen him wear a thousand times before. Albert Hou, or 'Uncle Hou' as he was known in the neighborhood, was the owner of UltraFresh Groceries and More, a local store that had grown into a chain of several dozen that could be found all through Central and South Jersey. Despite being a millionaire at this point, for as long as I could remember, Hou could be found for six hours a day, most days of the week, working in a doorless office in his original location, not four blocks from my mother's place. If he wasn't there, then he was typically puttering around the neighborhood, chain smoking and doing the gossip rounds as just another friendly, wrinkle-faced uncle.

Hou clapped and gave me an excited double wave of his hands. "James! You look wonderful, my boy. How do you like my daughter's club? She's done a beautiful job, and most of it while studying for the Bar Exams! Have you met Vanessa before, James?"

He gestured to his gorgeous daughter, who was sitting behind the large, primary desk at the far end of the room. She stood and gave me a nod and a breathtaking little smile. "James Li, welcome to the Kingfisher."

My mouth went a little dry just seeing her, but thankfully, the surge of attraction washed harmlessly over the perfected Happy Idiot like a wave against a breaker. I hadn't met Vanessa Hou before except in passing, but teenage James had dreamed of her many a time. Vanessa must have been half the guys my age in Chinatown's sexual awakening, and that had been prior to her fully maturing into the beauty she was now.

So, this was how other people felt when they saw me in person. Must have been intimidating – for lesser men, that was. I suspected that was her purpose here, her beauty a cudgel in Social Combat. Even if she said nothing, her presence alone was enough to eat up attention.

"Ah shit," I said with a goofy grin, "Uncle Hou and his smokeshow daughter are running the Cranes? This is going to make it a lot harder for me whenever I got to start cracking Triad skulls. What's up, Vanessa? I love the dye job," I said, pointing to her platinum blonde, straight hair.

She laughed lightly. "Thank you, James. And it'll break my heart as well, for the record. Though, I'm not running the Cranes, I'm running the Kingfisher."

"And we aren't Triads, either," added her father, "but we can get to that in a moment. First, let me introduce everyone; they've all expressed an interest in being here to meet you after all."

I had a strong suspicion that most of the people Hou introduced had only wanted to be here on the off chance I freaked out and started a fight. Foremost of those was Vincent He, the head of security, standing in a bodyguard's stance near Vanessa. He silently but clearly disapproved of my presence in the room; if I had to guess, his inability to penetrate the Happy Idiot had upset him.

The other two martial arts masters were both women, and neither said a word, merely watching quietly. I didn't need to be told that they were masters; to my supremely analytical eyes, it was as clear as the sky was blue. Their skill and talent were present in every micromovement, written on every line of their bodies, projected with every breath.

On a couch next to her student, looking like a couture ghost in her designer dress, wearing all white everything, from shoes to the silk wrap hiding her hair, was 'Falling Leaf' Lin, an extremely pale half-Asian woman with an eerie calm about her. Her student, Eleanor Xin, was one of Hou's nieces and a very recent transplant to the city from Paris. She was around my age and, unlike her master, had the decency to at least say hello. In the corner of the room was the other female master, 'Blink', a short-haired woman with wrapped knuckles who looked uncomfortably similar to my sister Crystal. She sat smoking next to a vent that wicked away the smell completely, dressed in a finely cut sparkly blue pantsuit, avoiding eye contact in favor of examining the ember at the end of the cigarette.

"I should point out that neither Falling Leaf nor Blink are associated with our Sect in any official capacity. Falling Leaf Lin is a friend of our Founder, paid to teach my niece, and Blink is a mercenary and a messenger, paid per job."

The word 'mercenary' was sticking in my brain, giving me that tip-of-the-tongue feeling that I was missing something obvious. I decided to ignore any subtext for now, though; it was a cheap trick to get Hou to give me more information.

"Uhh…okay? What do they got to do with the Tigers though? Cory said you guys could help me out with that."

"Yes, of course, and I can help. Please, sit. I will explain."

I sat down across from Uncle Hou on a leather couch. Behind him was a painting of the famed Eight Immortals with their red-crowned cranes, the old symbol of immortality. Xian, Daoist Immortals, were said to be able to turn into the birds and were frequently depicted riding them in art. My hand reached into my pocket and twirled the red feather the homeless man at Octavio Square had traded me; at the bottom of the scroll was an old, dirty-faced, disheveled hermit with a crutch. While the other immortals were riding, sleeping on, or feeding peaches to their birds, Li Tieguai, or Iron Crutch Li, was giving an injured Crane medicine from his gourd. I'd been too drunk to put two and two together earlier, but it was painfully obvious now who I'd met at the Square.

For the love of God, please let today end. I'm begging you, I pleaded to the Producers. This had better be a normal meeting, guys, or else I'm going to lose it. Please, please let the Evil on the sixth floor be foreshadowing for another day.

"Do you guys have a cat down here?" I asked Uncle Hou.

He looked amused. Hou had only known me as James Li, the rambunctious kid who liked to do risky parkour stunts with his friends and frequently got into scuffles; this ADHD act of mine was well within his expectations.

"Alas, we have yet to fill our mouse-hunting position. Why do you ask?"

"Ah, man, that sucks. I'm trying to adopt a cat so I can teach it martial arts and make the most viral video series of all time. It's going to be sick; you should follow me if you haven't already. Hey, it's kind of weird that everyone's just here watching us talk. Don't you think?"

"You underestimate how interesting you are, James, though Vanessa is here because it's her office. And I should have been clearer as well earlier – part of the reason that I agreed to Falling Leaf and Blink's requests to sit in on this meeting was to make you more comfortable, so that you didn't feel outnumbered. Both are in their own way, more interested in your safety then they are mine or my daughter's, and certainly more than they are Vincent or Fat Frog's. Though, I've agreed not to speak on their behalf. Would you two like to say anything before we get into the Tigers?"

The ghostly pale Lin whispered, and the ambient sound in the room seemed to cut away, leaving only her voice. "The Winds chatter of you, tell me fascinating tales. I am Their witness."

"O-kay." I twirled the feather in my pocket. "I'd really love to not know anything more about that right now, no offense."

"Sensible." She put a hand on her student's inner thigh and squeezed. "See, girl, sensible ignorance. You will learn as he has in time, or you will die."

Eleanor scowled, muttering something in French that I didn't understand.

"Blink?" asked Hou after a beat.

I turned to look at the mercenary, who had lit a fresh cigarette. She flicked me a searching look before glaring at Hou. "These cunts are rich," she said in a mixed Australian-Chinese accent. "Richer than rich. Take 'em for everything you can, then come back for more."

"You think?" I asked. "Alright, Hou, you heard the lady." I snapped my fingers twice. "Order me a smoothie, old man. I skipped dessert 'cause my date looked like she was about to pass out, and now I want a smoothie. Actually, I want," I looked up and thought about it, "every possible smoothie combination you can make with the fruit you guys have in the kitchen. Put some vodka in them too – only half though, so I can drink responsibly. And also you guys are going to want some ice water potentially, but I don't know, depends on how many kinds of fruit you have in the kitchen."

Uncle Hou smiled knowingly. "You always did love my UltraFresh smoothies. Very well, this is certainly possible; they are on the café menu. I'll even have them add protein scoops."

"Ha!" I pointed at him. "You're going to regret not negotiating on the protein scoops, Uncle Hou. Now I want all the relevant information you can give me about the Tigers, and I don't want to do or give you anything for it!"

Joseph Mao broke into coughs, Vincent He and Fat Frog loomed angrily at me, and all but Hou gave me searching looks to see if I was serious. Hou, though – Hou laughed.

"Okay, I'll do this too! It's only fair; I invited you here under that premise."

"What, really? Oh, then, uh…" My hesitation was genuine this time – I hadn't expected him to agree that easily. What else should I ask for? There was only one thing I could think of at the moment under the circumstances. "Then I want a kitten to adopt. But, like, right now. I want a kitten on my lap for this whole conversation, Hou."

I am getting through tonight, goddamn it. I am making it to the weekend.

Hou's eyebrows rose, and I saw for a millisecond flash, fast enough that I barely caught it with my Insight, the gang boss hiding under the façade. "Ah, ha, James, that certainly can be done, but the speed—"

I could feel my mother's blood rising in me – blood in the water, time to go for the kill. I didn't have the Negotiation Skill and I wasn't trying to Persuade them of shit, which left only one option. The Dice of a Charisma + Intimidation check rolled somewhere in the ephemeral ether, a Skill that I'd been slowly mastering without using even once. It wasn't normally a James Li-type beat, but these were Triads. How fucking dare they not immediately find me a kitten to adopt? I wanted my goddamn cat, assholes.

Time slowed as I panicked. Four Successes – only Four Successes! Shit, that was good, but it wasn't going to fly against a Triad boss. I had an option I could use, but it was nuclear – just, completely insane. If I took three points of Temporary Corruption and cloaked myself in pure nightmarish dread through the ability Funikugami had given me, Black Dog of the Fens, then—

No, said Alan to James. We have a plan. Calling on the Carrion King's Mantle is so, so far outside of the plan.

But it would be so cool! And how dare this—

No. We have a plan. If the plan fails, then, and only then, will we get nutty with it. We don't even understand how the Happy Idiot interacts with serious Social Combat yet.

Fine, it wasn't like I Whiffed the check. I let time resume, and the results of the roll guide my tongue.

"Fuck you. I've been real nice about all of this because you leveraged my old friendships against me, but I'm still a youxia til the day I die. You hear me? Here I am, sitting in your modern-day fucking castle you built with your blood money having already tolerated your low-down, scum-of-the-Earth honeypot bullshit, playing nice. You should be glad I'm not pulping your skull all over daughter's nice dress for the insult. Yeah, that's right, did you think I was too stupid not to notice what Cory's been up to? Well, guess what, I am stupid. I'm stupid enough to sit here silently until either you put a kitten on my lap, or one of your thugs decides to try and find out what happens when I scorch all of the oxygen out of the air in an enclosed space."

To say the tension could be cut with a knife, or that the silence grew stifling, or any other trite saying could not do it justice. No, it was like I'd held up a grenade, pulled the pin, and dropped it in front of me. Now we were, as a room, waiting to see if it was a dud or not.

"You…" said Hou, studying my face. His own expression was perfectly neutral. "This, for a kitten?"

"Yep."

He took a long breath, and then another, and another. His desire to kill me, which had spiked at the mention of pulping his skull onto his daughter's dress, slowly diminished until it was no more.

"You are truly your mother's son." Uncle Hou smiled, and while the others thus far hadn't felt fake, this one seemed more sincere, like he'd lifted his mask to reveal it.

"It was a dangerous game we were playing," he continued. "You are a man best known in the Underworld for your thousand-foot-tall fire tornado, but to me, you must understand, you were still the young boy asking me which bubble gum blew the biggest bubbles. It's true; I did not give you the face you deserve as a warrior. Please accept my apology, and excuse my underlings for their ignorance." Hou bowed his head as low as face would allow in his own stronghold. "Cory Ning wants only to see his friend as a comrade, and his superior, Joseph Mao, is unfamiliar with our ways," he waved his hand between me and him, "the old ways. But it is as you say, you are a youxia, a hero who has already freed Chinatown from one Demon, and I am the Administrator of the Black Harbor Branch of the Crane Sect. This is how we shall proceed from here, if that is agreeable to you."

I leaned back on the couch and crossed my legs. The metagamer in me was pointing out that I had likely just been crushed by an actual Negotiation check, but for the life of me, I couldn't bring myself to disagree with the man. He sounded reasonable; I'd been heard, my complaints had been acknowledged, and Hou had apologized. It wasn't his fault he couldn't read the Empty-Headed God. I had forced him to fall back on his kindly uncle persona by giving him so little, but now, we could move on as relative equals.

"Yeah, alright. I was a little unhinged there myself. The pulping your skull onto your daughter's dress was…a lot. That's my bad. Still want the kitten though. And, uh, if it helps or whatever, I do have a better reason than the viral video thing."

"Will you share this reason with me?"

"You haven't told me anything about the Tigers, and now you're asking for my secrets?" I grinned and wagged my finger at him. "I can't take my eyes off you for a second, Hou."

He chuckled. "I have been called intractable before."

"Don't make up words at me, old man."

"It means – never mind. Let's move on. Joseph, find Mr. Li his kitten. Any preference in cat?"

"Age doesn't matter, honestly; I was just saying that for the viral video. Just find me any cat, but the more violent, the better. You know how sometimes you look at a cat's face and you're like, 'Oh yeah, that cat's a real piece of shit.'? Get me one of those."

Mao bowed and left quickly, relieved, I thought, to be able to get out of the room with the man who'd threatened to burn all of the oxygen away.

"Joseph will be quick, I'm sure. He is the best at what he does. Since you have no intention of speaking until your cat is here, allow me to take this time to give you the information I intended to pass on about your situation, and why I believe that you will need allies if you are to navigate it. How much do you know of the Underworld in Black Harbor, James?"

"Basically nothing."

"I assumed as much. Your mother was quite adamant about sheltering you and your sister from it, murderously so at times. I'll start with a broad outline then."

Hou explained the Tigers' broad structure and the history of Triad relations in the neighborhood. Right away, it became clear that what Ami had told me was a very small slice of the truth. My adopted sister had presented the Triangle Truce in vague terms, and I'd been taken to believe that it was a verbal, broad agreement to keep conflict to a minimum. In actuality, the Triangle Truce was a written contract with explicit allowances for violence and theft that had been witnessed by literal Demons the Dragon Triad had called forth. It was an agreement between specifically Boss Gao of the Tigers, Uncle Hou of the Cranes, and the witch coven that led the Dragons. So long as the original signees were in control of their organizations, they were bound by its rules under threat of being devoured for eternity by hungry demons. Once Gao had died, the contract was broken, as had been intended from the start – it had only ever been an armistice, not a means to permanent peace.

I rubbed my temple. "Sorry, Bella Liu, the lawyer with the billboards is a witch and the leader of the Dragon Triad?"

"Yes, one of the most wicked and dangerous women in America. But, James, it is important that you recognize that the only Triad in Black Harbor is that of the Tigers. While the Dragons present themselves as the same, even to their own members, they are a Black Society in service to their Demon King. If you treat them as merely greedy criminals, then you will surely lose. Their material needs and wants are only means to their spiritual and mystical ends."

"And let me guess, you guys also just happen to do organized crime on the side. Who do you serve, the Eight Immortals?"

Falling Leaf Lin let out a dismissive sound; it cut through the conversation like a knife, reminding me sharply of how close she was. "They are young, foolish men in comparison."

"Indeed," agreed Hou. "Our Founder is much older than even the oldest of the Eight. And while you may associate us with crime, I believe it would misrepresent us to call the Cranes a criminal syndicate. We exist in the Underworld, by its nature an extrajudicial space. Vigilante justice is against the law, but that wouldn't stop you from killing me if it meant saving an innocent, would it?"

"Sure, but there's a big difference between me beating up a pimp and me being a pimp."

"Exactly," he agreed, "and there is a difference between sex slavery and what we do. All of our prostitutes are like Jewel; they are well-compensated, protected, and valued employees. Every large organization, James, from corporation to government, must exist at some level within the Underworld if they are to survive. The American government funds much of its black operations by selling weapons abroad and drugs domestically—"

"I don't approve of that either, Hou, to be clear."

"I understand. But while you would never agree to perform wetwork operations for the US Military, you would agree to perform work for the military." He held up a finger, cutting off my objection. "James, if the Army Corp of Engineers approached you and offered to pay for your assistance fighting a fire in the Pine Barrens, can you honestly tell me you would decline? Would it matter in that instance that the Army's Green Berets were somewhere across the world securing trade routes for drug lords?"

I crossed my arms and closed my eyes. Goddamn it, I never should have come to this meeting. The idea that Crane leadership could simply talk me into helping them had been completely absurd prior to a few minutes ago. Solo Social Combat with a Triad Boss – what had I been thinking?

Hou, sensing my weakness, continued, "Say I came to you, James Li, Youxia of Black Harbor, Master of Black City Kung Fu, and asked for your help with a vampire stalking the streets, would you turn me down? James—no, Master Li, with your shining golden aura that rebuffs darkness, dominion over Flame, and strange, impossible to grasp presentation, you would be my best hope against a creature as vile as a vampire! Are you saying that I could not count on your help? Would it matter—"

Perfect, a distraction just when I needed it. I put up my palm and turned to watch the door. "Crazy fast. He said he was the logistics guy, but damn, he really is the best at what he does."

Joseph Mao, more tired and less thrilled than before, walked in holding a young cat by the scruff of its neck as far from his body as he could. Mao's tuxedo, while not ruined, was now inappropriate for the setting, with fresh red blood splattered over the collar and the cuffs of one hand. Both cat and man were displeased with the situation, though only Mao was trying to hide it.

"Awww, oh my god, he's perfect," I said, taking the orange-and-white tabby from Mao. It looked to be about four months old, though it was hard to say since it was underweight and clearly from the streets. "He's got a little mustache! Insanely impressive, Mao, I thought for sure the drinks would come first."

The man bowed his head, visibly more relaxed now that he was no longer holding the cat and that I was significantly less likely to incinerate everyone here. "You can't rush a good smoothie, Mr. Li."

"But you can rush a bad one!" I held the cat up to my face, my Force Armor rebuffing his attempts to claw my eyes out. His name was Smoothie now. I'd decided. "Isn't that right, Smoothie? You little monster! Hahahaha! You bastard, look at you trying to fight the first martial arts master you see! He's amazing, Mao, thank you."

[Hidden Quest Complete!]

Adopt a pet.

Reward: 5XP, +1 Animal Handling

Bonus, As a distraction during Social Combat: 5XP, Gain Familiar's Collar – An animal wearing this collar will be marked as your Familiar. It gains 1 Die in all Attributes, will associate you with safety, and will always be able to find its way to you.

It was nice to see there was still some wholesomeness in this world. In a move that no doubt confused everyone in the room, I wasted no time in pulling out the collar from my jacket pocket and wrapping it around Smoothie's neck. He went limp in my lap to protest its presence, glaring and hissing up at me with a strangely affectionate form of murderous desire.

"Of-of course, sir…" said Mao, staring with furrowed brow at where the name 'Smoothie' was engraved on the silver tag dangling from my Familiar's Collar.