Pink Ranger Problems

I jump back, my heart still pounding against my ribcage. I shouldn't have done that. I got caught up in the moment again and I somehow managed to, not just step, but pole vault over the line of what is okay. 

"Oh frick, Filia I'm so sorry. Did I mess up my signals, again?" I'm going to freak him out by being this jumpy. I need to calm down. Tell him we still probably shouldn't be together without hurting his feelings. Even if he explained why he likes me, it doesn't make sense. 

"Uh, no. No you didn't misread anything. I just shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?"

"I overstepped. Scott, you're right I'm still figuring myself out. You shouldn't have to deal with that." I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

"I just volunteered to deal with that as a friend or partner. Weren't you listening?" He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks at me again and my brain short circuits. Why does he do this to me? I want to just jump him, and kiss him again this time with more oomph and gravitas. The Power knows this body could do it. 

"Yeah, but like that's better as friends. I think I also need to keep supporting you. I haven't been helping you as much as I should. " I'm rambling. I need to keep my brain and mouth occupied.

"I guess that makes sense." He sounds disappointed.

"I don't even know who I am. I mean what if I'm a mean girl. Or a total bitch. I know I've got the capacity for it, oh my god I was so jealous of that Lala girl."

"Her name is Lucy."

"I don't care. Wait. Yeah that, you see. I could be just the worst to date Scott. I've never even been on a date." He looks like he's about to say something cute. "No. No offering to be my first date." I poke him in the chest.

"Aw."

"I mean you already got my first kiss. That should hold you over."

"Holy shit I took your first kiss."

"I'm sorry my brain's a mess, you didn't take anything."

"I could take your second."

"Shut up casanova. You're jumbling my brain more."

"I can't believe I get to see you like this."

"Shut it." I squeak.

He put his other hand on my shoulder.

"Make me." 

It was at this point my brain stopped working and my legs jumped at him, knocking that idiot to the ground and kissing him again. This time for longer I think. I couldn't check by the time my brain had rebooted. I could hardly process what I'd done.

"We've learned a couple of things about you Filia." He says breathlessly. "You are a lot more forward."

"My brain is soup."

"Are you feeling better though, soup brain?"

"A little bit." I'm blushing and on top of him. This wouldn't be out of character if I was Filia  but I'm still me. Why can't I just think of the consequences?

"We can help each other figure ourselves out."

"Yeah?"

"Whether that be while dating or just as friends."

"I didn't ruin it by pouncing on you?" I ask.

"You can do it again if you'd like?" he teases.

"Ay yi yi, get a room already." It dawns on me that we have been talking in the main hall of the command center and I am laying on my best friend. If our robot friend could show disgust they would be. In their hand is an orange can with a clownfish on the front.

I roll off my friend(?) and hop to my feet. 

"Is that what I think it is?"

"I lied about needing to prepare it. I thought you would come around sooner so I made sure it was ready."

I walk over to Kepler who's standing in the doorway.

"Thank you so much, Kepler."

"All you have to do is drink that and you'll have the body you want." They hand me the can.

I'd planned to hold on to it. Thinking it over, finishing school at least and then finally making a decision. Maybe letting the people I care about most know, so I can make it to that point without breaking down over continuing to slog through being a guy.  Having it in my hand makes me reconsider, the entire situation with Scott made me reconsider. This can won't stop the anxiety and panic over being a woman, but it could reaffirm I was making the right decision. A point of no return that I know will make me feel a little better.

"Scott, can we come back to the dating thing?"

"Of course. As long as we get back to it. I need to know where I stand." He's trying to be playful but it's obvious he's disappointed. Or worried. 

I hate that I have to think about this. Why can't it be easy? If I wasn't such a mess we could just get a room and oh my god I need to unmorph before I do something I regret.

"Power down." I shout. The can is still in my hand. As my body stretches and twists itself back to how it was earlier. My hoodies and jeans just remind me of how little time it's been. 

"What was that for?" Scott and Kepler ask in unison.

"Clarity." The gravelly voice I'd gotten used to since puberty sounded less horrible to me than it had earlier. It's temporary, and not awful.

Temporary. That's a weird way to think about it. This body is only until I drink whats in that can. I should be able to stomach it a little longer. It's not even all that awful now that I think about it. I should be able to hold off.

"What does that mean?" Scott asks. If Kepler had eyes to roll, they probably would as they walk away.

"If I wouldn't do or say it like I am now, then I won't do or say it."

"You are trying to unsoup your brain?" 

"I guess?"

"Is it working?"

"No." I put the can on the ground between us. 

Looking at the big picture there isn't enough reason to not drink this thing. All of this self discovery stuff can happen after I drink it right? But what about anyone who met Filia? Or who might recognise her from TV. Would it even matter? Oh my god Dad saw that broadcast. Maybe I could pass it off as a coincidence. Or I could make up a story about how I was kidnapped by them and they turned me into a girl and it's been unstable like in some weird superhero fanfic I read once.

"Scott, I think I need to call Summer."

—

"So are you dating yet?" Summer asks as we sit around the command center's meeting table.

"I don't know." Scott says.

"We didn't talk about it." I interject. "That's not what's important."

"Scott's dumb grin says otherwise, Filia. What did you two do?"

"It's not important."

"She kissed me." He teases and stupid butterflies start appearing in my stomach. Even like this he sees me as a girl. And smiles about kissing me.

"What do you mean that's not important?"

"It's not!" I shout. My voice echoes off the concrete walls. It sounds so much worse when I'm yelling. I put the can of clownfish orange on the table. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Scott says as he moves closer to me. He looks sad, but he's still trying to comfort me.

"Congratulations." Summer looks at the can.

"I think I'm going to drink this." After startling myself it seems even more important.

"Like now?" she asks. Scott hadn't been much help in convincing me not to. It made sense, but he wasn't giving the answers I needed. I need someone more down to Earth.

"Soon if no one stops me. Please stop me." I plead.

"Why wouldn't you?" Not her as well!

"That's what I said!"

"Because it's impulsive." 

"The younger versions of you dreaded turning back." She says.

"So what. That doesn't mean I can just change my entire life in a few seconds."

"I haven't been in your shoes so I'm not going to pretend to understand everything but it sounds like this is a no loss situation. Your dad is going to be supportive."

"Yeah, he didn't bat an eye when I told him I was going by Scott."

"But, I can't just turn up on his doorstep all dressed up and tell him 'Hi dad it's your son, I drank the gender juice and so I'm a girl.'"

"You could do what we did with my parents?" Scott offers.

"Your parents hadn't seen you as Scott before. Filia was on the news!"

"He won't notice!" Summer argues.

"He might, but it wouldn't be that weird if two girls looked alike." Scott should know better than this. Dad's observant.

"And what if he doesn't fall for it. And what about Ernie?"

"Ernie would not care." Summer is being way less helpful than I anticipated.

"You're Dad cares more about you than some random girl that might look like you from a distance."

"This could expose my secret identity!"

"No one will notice or care, Fi."

"Astrus, Kepler!" I call out. If Summer and Scott can't help, maybe they can. The center of the table lights up with a hologram face and clanging of metal against concrete echoes through the hallways.

"What is it, Filia?"

"The incident with the tower and the wizard. My face, Filia's face was up on the news. Dad recognised it. If I drink this," I hold up the can. "People might recognise me, correct?"

"That is a possibility." I breathe a sigh of relief. Someone is taking this seriously. 

"Someone could guess I'm the pink ranger then."

"That is again a possibility. However Filia, I will not let my rangers hurt themselves unnecessarily for this job." 

"I'm not going to die."

"Living as you are now causes distress. Your mental health matters more."

"We have connections!" Kepler yells from down the hall.

"That will take time though, right? You have a lot of work." I ask. I don't get it. It shouldn't be this easy. 

"I can contact her now if it is keeping you from acting for yourself." Astrus says.

"What about Dysphorus?" He can't seruously be suggesting pausing this research for me. What if they attack and Astrus hasn't done enough research? What if he comes back and we are all in trouble?

"If you want to defeat him and his generals you need to feel comfortable." Changing my life would make things harder wouldn't it?

"Kepler?" I'm desperate at this point. 

"I'm calling Stella, she will know how to deal with the media. Filia, you focus on yourself." Kepler says before heading to the control panel at the head of the room.

"I will call you tomorrow about planning for this possibility." Astrus' hologram turns off leaving us alone.

"Stella? Like the news lady?" Scott asks.

"Yep!" Kepler calls from the control panel.

"Was she a ranger?" I ask. It shouldn't be my first question but the twelve year old in me needs to know which one. Especially if I was going to meet her. Big IF. I might not do this.

"She was the blue ranger."

"Oh."

"We should get back on topic." Summer might not have been as big a fan as I was.

"This is on topic."  I argue.

"Yes, but we can get back to the important part. Do you want Scott and I to help you come out to your Dad?"

"Do I drink the clownfish orange before or after?"

"That's up to you." Scott's smile helps me calm down. 

There's nothing else I can object with, at least nothing that isn't I'm not ready. When it comes to this, I'm not sure if there ever will be a ready. I gave up so much just to wind up back where I started. None of those sacrifices amounted to anything if I do this. Or did they allow for this? Does it matter? I could start smaller, but would that be fair on Dad? He knows something is up. He told me everything last night because he knows. Though maybe it was just about depression or being gay. 

"What if Dad doesn't believe me?" As a trans man he'd know more about this than me. "I don't act trans."

"What does that even mean?" Scott asks. Summer chokes or something.

"I'm not very feminine."

"Ziggy thought you were an egg, and I thought you were a trans woman. I'm cis and I figured you were trans when I saw you as Filia for the first time." Summer laughs.

"I didn't notice." Scott says.

"You didn't notice you were trans."

"Touchè."

"If he doesn't get it immediately he'll get it as soon as he sees you as you." She's trying to comfort me and it's working.

"Really?"

"Fi, before this I saw you smile maybe three times."

The can on the table stares at me with its ugly clownfish smile. The pros vastly outweigh the cons. I want this. My friends want to see me happy. My Dad wants to see me happy. The right decision is obvious.

"Kepler, can you send me home?" I ask.

"Are you going to do something dangerous?" they respond. Scott and Summer just look at me confused. I have to do this. 

"No."

"Alright…" The robot sounds hesitant but if I don't do this now I might not do it. 

I grab the can, the world turns pink, and I'm in my backyard. I run as fast as I can around the front. Maybe it will look like I've run home. I don't know.  Dad is back which makes it easier. I open the door, the can still in my hand.

"You're home early, did something go wrong? He calls from the living room. My heart is pounding.

He's typing something on his computer but closes it when he sees me. I show him the can and he pats the couch next to him. 

"Are you going to drink it?" he asks softly. My hands are shaking a bit. It's going to be fine. It has to be fine. 

"I think so. Sorry, Dad." I take the seat next to him. I'm springing this on him basically out of nowhere.

"There is no reason to be sorry." He puts a hand on my shoulder. I feel bad doing this to him. Even if he isn't Mark, he still raised me to be a man. He took me to football and taught me how to shave. Even if he's okay with it he probably wanted a son. My eyes sting. Today has been so much, why did I decide to add to it. "Do you have a name you'd like me to call you?"

"Filia." My voice is shaking.

"That's a very pretty name."

"I think you said that's what you'd call me if I was born a girl. Or it was close."

"Close enough. As long as you like it, Filia."

"I want to be a woman. Is that okay–" I can't finish the question before he's hugging me.

"You're my daughter. I'll love you no matter what." He says quietly, his head on my shoulder. I lean into him, soaking his shirt a bit in the process. 

"I love you too, Dad." I say before pulling away and reaching for the can sitting on the table.

"You'll want to stay sitting down while you drink that, Filia."

I crack the top and take a sip of the sweetest artificial orange flavour I've ever had.

At this point one would think I'd be used to my body changing, I went back and forth for a phone call a few days ago, but this feels different. My head feels fuzzy, I can see why Dad sat me down. There's no bright light and spandex to obscure the process this time. My hands bulge and shrink as the bones make themselves smaller. I touch my face and the stubble I'd neglected to shave while living my double life falls out. It doesn't hurt as much as I'd expect. Just a dull ache all over. 

The changes stop and my head starts to clear. My hands are definitely thinner and smaller. The words 'very thin carrots' springs to mind. My jumper which was only a little bigger than I'd needed was now massive on me. 

"Do you need a phone, sweetheart?" Dad asks. The camera is already open.

I'm not freaking out as much as I should, I think. I just threw away the last chance of getting back on track to normalcy. I'd never be bros with Scott or do father son bonding with dad again. From now on whoever I see in that camera is me. My heart hasn't stopped pounding and my hands haven't stopped shaking but there should be more than that. Hysterical crying maybe. I don't know. 

I take the phone. The girl on the screen is me. There's some small differences between the face that I saw when I looked in the mirror as Filia, for one I was smiling. I'd never seen myself smile as Filia before. Two, acne had carried over. I'd need to learn how to cover that. I probably have to take care of my skin now. I actually have a reason now. 

"Are you okay?"

It's perfect.

—--

"Fins!" The saccharine sweet moment on General Loch's monitor makes him want to throw up. 

"What do you want, Loch?" The shark-like general had been getting testier with everyone of his failures. Maybe he was realizing how replaceable he was. 

"The pink brat has realized the obvious." 

"Good for her." he says as he polishes a smooth piece of metal. He didn't seem to understand the implications of this. Who's side is he on?

"No. This is bad. This is very bad."

"I don't see how this changes things?" He smiles at whatever he's polishing. The monster's teeth are terrifying. 

"They've fixed their weakest link! We can't use her to beat the others."

"It ain't like that was working anyway."

"We need a new strategy."

"No, we need to get off this forsaken rock before the empire falls." Fins still struggled to understand why Earth was important. The empire now hinged on conquering this planet. 

"There is no empire if we can't beat these humans."

"There is no empire left if you keep squandering our resources on this planet"

"You just don't have my vision."

"You're only there because Dysphorus saw something in you. You better deliver before everyone realizes it was a dying crabs delusion."

Loch looks at the polished weapon Fins is holding and gulps. His next plan needs to be perfect.