Pink Ranger Problems

It feels like an eternity in his arms and somehow in my mind that isn't enough. Maybe it's because my face hasn't stopped being puffy. Maybe it's because I'm useless. Either way it's the most comforting embrace I've ever experienced and there was some fierce competition now, between Dad and Summer and him. 

I pull away. I should just soak in this relief. Scott still cares, I can be a girl and neither him nor my Dad will be disappointed. Scott doesn't see me as a gross creep for being Filia around him. This should be it. I should just move past this. Drink some clownfish orange and move on. I can tell Dad and he'll probably be the best dad a girl could have. My friends already knew and were just waiting for me to figure it out.

So, why am I still worried? Why aren't I throwing caution to the wind and just being Filia right this second?

I don't know. The idea of being me is daunting. A wall in front of me that took years to build, a shell that's impossible to just break through, and I'm still not sure I'm ready to leave the comfort of. The people around me may not care but there will be more people like Mark out there. It scares me more than any of the giant monsters trying to attack the city. It scares me more than the looming threat of Loch and Fins and their schemes to bring back Dysphorus. It scares me more than–

Heck.

"Kepler! Astrus." I shout. My voice bouncing off the concrete tunnels. My breath quickens. How did I forget? The sound of metal footsteps echoes and light appears behind me.

"What is it, Filia?" Scott asks.

"It is good to see you, Filia. How are you–"

"Good to see you too. I think I may have figured out what the monster we fought last night is and I need you all to promise you won't hate me." Why didn't I tell them sooner? 

"Filia, what are you talking about?" Kepler sounds tired from running.

"It was pieces of Dysphorus. Loch is trying to bring him back. The Frankencrab looked like mismatched pieces of crab body stuck together. Maybe it was like a failed experiment."

"How do you know this?" Astrus asks.

"Fins and Loch were arguing about it when they captured me. I forgot to tell you because of everything that's going on."

"Kepler and I will get to analysing the monster bits immediately. If they are trying to bring him back we will stop them."

"I'm sorry for forgetting."

"Filia, you have been through a lot. It is understandable. Thank you for telling us." Astrus says before disappearing. 

Kepler takes a look at me, tilts her head and then beckons me to follow her. What could she want?

"Scott, I'm sorry for dropping all that. I'll be back in a second."

"That's fine. I need a few minutes to catch up."

I walk over to the small robot and they take me through the halls and around some familiar corners to my closet. The one where she stores my dresses away from everyone else.

"Ryan–"

"It's just Filia now."

"Oh thank the power! You finally did it!" Their little hands clap like cymbals. They sound like Summer.

"I want to be a girl."

"You are one! I'm so proud of you. Did you tell Scott?"

"I did." The robot stomps happily.

"Wonderful! So you're staying on the team?"

"I want to. I think I might be able to now."

"Fantastic! I didn't want to get rid of all these clothes, they just look so good on you. I'll start preparing some Clownfish Orange." My stomach sinks. Am I ready for that? It would be irreversible and impossible to explain away as an accident. 

"Don't worry about it, Kepler. The Dysphorus thing is more important."

"The wellbeing of our rangers takes a higher priority. You kids are the future for all of us. We owe you a lot for fighting like this." She sounds so earnest and ready to help me. It feels wrong to refuse help. 

"Will it need to be used as soon as I get it?"

"No. You'll have time to tell everyone. I'll get on to it after I help out Astrus."

"Thank you, Kepler." She leaves me alone surrounded by clothes I will hopefully get to wear daily at some point. 

I take off my spandex and put on the jeans and comfortable jumper that my younger self wore. I don't want to wear the cute stuff in front of Scott right now. It feels weird having that be the first time he sees me casually as a girl while knowing it's me. I don't want him to think I want to be seen as cute. 

Scot has barely moved by the time I get back. He's sat down and is deep in thought. It makes sense. So much has happened since we were watching movies on Dad's couch.

"Oh you changed."

"Yeah. Kepler was checking on me and my clothes were right there so I put something on." I casually explain. Maybe I should have transformed back, but Kepler was right, it would be a waste not to wear this.

"You look good." his face turns red. "No romo."

"You too." 

"It's hard to believe that it's you. I know it is and I know this should probably not be what I'm focusing on but now that we aren't both panicking about ruining our friendship I can't help it." He stands up and walks over to me.

"I get it."

"I was so worried when we talked last night and now looking at you it makes me so happy to see you like this." Hearing him talk about me this much is embarrassing but I can't hold myself back from smiling. "I can see you, like your pretty eyes and the way you were worrying about me. It makes so much sense that it was you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you're a worry wart and you used to freak out when I got a bruise."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

"Maybe I will." I say. Fully leaning back into being Filia. A mistake. A big mistake.

"And how would you pull that one off, princess?"

"Well– Maybe– I could?" The entire last two days evaporate, my anxieties about all this are problems for later. The fear of dysphorus? Gone. Replaced with the idea of pushing him back into his seat and kissing him so he stops making fun of me. 

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Revenge."

"For what?"

He gets up and move closer to me. Fuck, why does he have to be so tall, and musclular and cute? He still has no right to somehow be handsome and cute at the same time.

"Remember after the anemobots at school how you fussed over me, pulled me close and then whispered in my ear." My face must be red. It burns.

"Scott, please forgive me."

"Oh, I have, but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop turning you into a blushing mess."

"I only realised I was a girl yesterday. I'm not sure I can take this." I squeak.

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"You've been acting as Filia for two weeks, what do you mean you only realised yesterday?" Didn't I tell him this?

"I pretended to be Filia because I didn't want you to see me as less of a man."

"What are you talking about? You pretended to be a girl for the last few weeks because you didn't want to be seen as a girl." It sounds ridiculous when said like that.

"The power gives me this body! I couldn't just tell y'all that I was Ryan!"

"Why not? I don't think anyone cared when I was put in my body."

"That was different. You are a guy. So it makes sense. I'm a–"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

"I thought I was a guy." 

"And you only realised you weren't last night?"

"Yes."

"When last night?"

"When I was piloting the Galah and the crab knocked me out of the air."

"Oh my god I chose the worst time to ask you out." he laughs. Fuck. I ruined the moment. Again.

"That's not your fault."

"I know it's not but holy shit."

Looking back at yesterday it really was a bad time to realise I wanted to be a girl. It put him in a lot of bad positions. I sit down next to him and put my arm around him.

"If it makes it better. It was a very sweet moment and if I was a normal girl I would have said yes."

"You would have?" 

"What straight girl wouldn't?"

"What?"

"I just mean that you are amazing. You are sweet and driven and you aren't scared to be yourself. Not to mention how charming you can be." I feel like I might be being too honest. I should dial it back or I'm going to make him uncomfortable. He probably knows I like him, so I need to be more careful. "If I wasn't me, how could I say no?"

"I guess we have been friends since we were kids."

"It's not like you would have asked if you'd known she was me." I can't look him in the eye. I should just dig a grave right now. 

"Maybe I would have." he murmurs. I look up and he's looking away, face red.

"You aren't serious." 

"I might have asked sooner."

"Scott, what are you talking about?"

"I thought falling for Filia was too fast, but now that I know she's you it makes sense. She's already someone I love."

"I love you too."

"No like, I think I love you both as a friend and as well. Fuck. I don't know what to say. I like you. Romantically."

"You can't be serious." I squeak loudly. This is too fast.

"Why not? From the start you have been by my side. Helping me through this. Encouraging me to be my best self. You're the one who convinced me to take up teaching. You're the girl who stood up for me when I was shitting myself scared because those girls were in front of my locker." Because I'm his friend. I did what any friend would. Hell even then I was being selfish. I wanted to protect myself and I wanted those girls to leave him alone. "Even when I still looked like a girl–"

"You didn't look like a girl." As soon as he told me he was a guy it was hard to see him as anything else.

"I did but you still treated me like a bro. Even though that must have been hard on you."

"That doesn't explain anything, Scott. I'm still me. You can't like me like that. It doesn't make sense."

"Are you fishing for compliments?"

"No!"

"I like you because you're you. As reckless as me. Aggressively supportive, sweet, and if I'm honest as clueless as me as well."

"Scott, you can't like me."

"Even when I see you in your old body I can't help but think about you, buried just below the surface." He's trying to look me in the eye, but struggling. He's gorgeous even as he's blushing and gushing. I'm not lucky enough for this. I'm just Filia. He isn't the kind to fuck with someones feelings. "You don't have to feel the same way, especially when you're still figuring everything out, but I need you to know that I love you. I'll be by your side as your friend or as your partner as long as you want me there. You've done the same for me."

I still can't seem to make words and he can probably see it. My mouth is moving but nothing's coming out. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, only that I want some noise to come out.

He stands up straight and smiles.

"So wanna go to a movie or something? You're dressed up anyway?" It's like nothing ever happened. I reach out to grab his hand. 

"I like you, too." I manage to sputter out. I manage to inch closer and he meets me in the middle. Our lips touch. Just for a second. 

I wish it was longer.