Passion (BL Novel)

"That was only when I lent a hand. I nearly died, torn into two by this side, and you're talking about 'desire'? What, is it just fine if you fulfill it on your own?"

Jung Tae-yi snapped at him aggressively, and Ilay laughed loudly in response. "Yeah, sorry about that," he said, laughing for quite a while. Then, with a swing, he threw a punch at Jung Tae-yi, who sighed like a groan.
"If anyone wants to fulfill their desires, they could just find someone else. As you said, there are plenty of guys I know who casually satisfy their desires among the crew."
At this, Ilay suddenly stopped laughing. With a blink of his eyes, as though hearing something he had never thought of before, he stared at Jung Tae-yi, then tilted his head and mumbled as if speaking to himself, "Yeah, that’s true."

Thinking that it would be hard to find anyone so self-centered, Jung Tae-yi chased Ilay away in haste and shut the door behind him when he entered his uncle's room.
He didn’t feel at ease. That damn guy really managed to bring up the grudge he had nearly forgotten.
Taking several cans of beer from the fridge, he drank them all at once. Afterward, he felt somewhat relieved, though his stomach was bloated and he had to roll around on the floor.

In every building, there are places where people’s footsteps rarely reach. In the military, at the officer’s school, during high school, middle school, and even elementary school, Jung Tae-yi had made it his hobby to find such spots. He knew that finding those places could come in handy later.
Back in elementary school, it was an open space surrounded by bushes at the back of the school. If you asked about his older brother, he would use that place to hang out with a few friends who matched his temperament, avoiding annoying adults and friends. In middle school, it was behind the shelves in the library’s old material storage room. It was perfect for skipping boring classes and taking a nap. In high school, it was the art room in a closed annex. It was ideal for smoking a cigarette or hiding a few cans of beer when the autumn chill set in. When he transitioned to military school and later the army, the position of cadet officer made it harder to find such places, but there was still no place he couldn’t find. He would find a secluded corner to relax whenever he could.
Even after returning home from his discharge, Jung Tae-yi hadn’t let go of the habit. He would bring a chair behind the water tank on the roof and sometimes go up there alone to enjoy some peace.

So, it was no surprise that this place was no different. Upon arriving at the Asia branch, Jung Tae-yi had already scouted the building and found a few spots where few people passed. This was one of them. A small emergency staircase on the west side connecting the third and second floors. The stairs were too narrow for two people to walk side by side, and hardly anyone used them. He had never seen anyone else there, except for some scattered trash now and then, but he had never run into anyone.
Sitting on the stairs, Jung Tae-yi took a sip of beer, feeling pleased as he sighed contentedly. While everyone else was sweating and struggling, hiding here and relaxing made anything taste sweet.
In the distance, a loud group seemed to be having a heated argument, their voices mixed with those of others. Since the joint training had started a few days ago, the noisy sounds of gasps and shouts could be heard at any time, echoing around the building. When the South American branch members first arrived at the Asia branch, there was immediately a big fight, as if it were a ritual. The hallway became chaotic, and several items were damaged. But this time, it wasn’t the kind of grim battle where you’d think, "If you die, you die." It was more of a playful brawl, something along the lines of "Let’s see how far you can go."

The South American and Asia branch members, after fighting that first night, ended up bonding over drinks. It was a rare occurrence during a joint training between competing branches. Jung Tae-yi thought it was probably 90% due to the fact that the instructor, Ilay, had stepped in to mediate.
"Instructors sure have it tough, having to deal with those mongrels in such a way," Ilay had said with annoyance after watching the fight on the sixth floor. He picked up a metal pipe, wrapped his shirt around it, and muttered, "With this, I’ll probably survive without dying," as he entered the fray. Needless to say, the situation quickly settled after that.
Asia branch members and South American branch members, who had been fighting each other, were so terrified when they saw Ilay’s terrifying figure advancing through the hallway that they quickly ran at him. When common enemies appear, even groups who don’t get along tend to unite.

Jung Tae-yi had witnessed that political structure with his own eyes that day. Before they had even gotten halfway down the hall, other instructors came rushing in to break them up and calm things down, but Ilay, who had made a name for himself throughout the UNHRD O branches and headquarters, had already become a public enemy, and that alone was enough.
"Planting so much hatred isn’t easy, is it… not easy at all…"
In some ways, Ilay was indeed an exceptional figure. Jung Tae-yi shook his head and sighed. It was impressive enough that they made someone like that an instructor. Where could the talented individuals trained under such an instructor go?

"Or maybe it’s to develop a tough mind and solid endurance, not yielding to any trials..."
Muttering to himself, Jung Tae-yi suddenly fell silent and closed his mouth in a melancholic manner. He didn’t feel like his mind had become stronger or his endurance improved through the trials.
At that moment, his pager vibrated in his pocket. Jung Tae-yi shifted the beer can and pulled it out to check the message.
‘Hyung, I’ll be there now.’

There was no need to check the sender’s number. Jung Tae-yi put the pager back in his pocket. Since joint training started, it had become more difficult to meet with the officers and instructors. He had been thinking he needed to talk to them, but it had become increasingly difficult to meet. Then, he had received a call from Shin-Roo last night. So, they had agreed to meet for a brief moment today, in a secluded place Jung Tae-yi had once mentioned to him.
Taking another sip of beer, Jung Tae-yi wondered where to start the conversation. Lost in thought, he heard a loud shout coming from the sparring arena, and the voice echoed in the distance. Just a while ago, he had been part of that noise. The officer usually stuck close to the instructor, but when the instructor wasn’t in official hours and stayed in the instructor’s room, the officers would join in the regular training sessions.
Today, Ilay had nothing scheduled until 3 PM. So, as usual, Jung Tae-yi had attended lectures in the morning and was in free sparring practice in the afternoon. In about 30 minutes, he would need to head to the instructor's room, but until then, it was sparring time. If he didn’t slack off now, he wouldn’t have another chance later.

When he arrived at the sparring area, his opponent, who had already come out before him, tilted his head and looked at Jung Tae-yi.
"I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before."
The man, who seemed more Middle Eastern than South American, eyed Jung Tae-yi suspiciously. Jung Tae-yi, a little taller than the man, thought about how to get through the sparring with as little pain as possible and replied, "Not sure."

Of course, the man had seen Jung Tae-yi before. Jung Tae-yi remembered. But if he were to talk about where they had met, it was highly likely he’d end up taking two punches instead of one. The man had been the first to get hit by the metal pipe Ilay swung on their first night in the Asia branch. Jung Tae-yi had dragged him to the edge of the hallway and laid him down after he collapsed, and then continued to drag others there too. That day, he’d definitely gotten a proper workout.
From then on, Jung Tae-yi had often overheard the man grumbling about Ilay in the cafeteria or hallway. In this situation, if Jung Tae-yi were to say, "You and I met that first night. I’m the officer from Riglow," it would definitely turn into a bloody fight. But Jung Tae-yi’s efforts were shattered by his teammates’ betrayal.
"That bastard is Riglow’s officer. Don’t let your guard down."

The voices shouting in a mocking tone were Carlo, Cheng, and James. Damn them. He hadn’t expected anything, but they were really blocking his path. Jung Tae-yi shot them a fierce glare, and the whistling sound grew louder.
"...Ah, you’re that bastard’s officer? Well, good, let’s have a proper match today."
In an instant, the man’s eyes gleamed fiercely as he charged at Jung Tae-yi. Meanwhile, from the other side, the instructor calmly gave the signal to start.

Jung Tae-yi took two steps back, thinking it was pointless but still trying to appeal to his meager reasoning.
"Wait a second. Why are you picking a fight with me? If you have a grudge against Ilay, go deal with him directly."
"Who’s that?"

"…Riglow. If you have a grudge against him, go settle it with him, why are you taking it out on me?"
After a brief silence, Jung Tae-yi corrected himself, and the man smiled as if he had found a good excuse.
"If you’re on such good terms that you’re calling him by name, you should have stopped him. You’re an accomplice. Every time I think of that bastard, my teeth grind..."

Before he could finish, the man grabbed Jung Tae-yi by the collar. The speed of his movement was astounding. Jung Tae-yi clicked his tongue and shouted.
"Hey, but who was the one who dragged you and laid you down when you were out cold? Aren’t you at least thankful for that?!"
It was then. The man swung at Jung Tae-yi, who tried to roll to soften the blow, but he didn’t feel the expected impact. Instead, he was lightly lifted off the ground, as if the air itself were cushioning him, and then gently landed with his heels touching the floor.

"Huh? You did that? Wiped the bloodstains off with a wet towel?"
The man in front of him was still gripping Jung Tae-yi’s collar, eyeing him suspiciously. Jung Tae-yi, in an awkward position, nodded irritably, knowing that if the man let go, he would lose his balance and fall to the floor.
"Yeah. I laid you down, wiped you off, and even left the first aid kit next to you."

"Ah, that was you? Yeah, yeah, I appreciate it. Back then, I didn’t even know where the medical office was."
The man nodded, hums of acknowledgement escaping him. The ominous aura on his face completely disappeared, replaced by a grin—though to anyone unfamiliar with him, that face might still seem menacing. Jung Tae-yi stood up properly, and the man patted him on the shoulder.
Jung Tae-yi let out a relieved sigh inwardly. If things went well, it would be a smooth transition. This was why a person should live a life of good deeds. He smiled back at the man. The man even gave him a pitiful expression, asking how he ended up being that bastard’s officer, and offering words of comfort. Jung Tae-yi thought, "I thought all the people in UNHRDO were strange, but unexpectedly, there’s a kind one here," and nodded in agreement.

However, not everything was going so smoothly for Jung Tae-yi. The man laughed heartily and said, "Then, shall we have another proper spar?" He rolled up his sleeves, and just seconds later, Jung Tae-yi found himself lying on the sparring ground, this time unable to stay on his feet.
"Damn, couldn’t he throw me lightly?" Jung Tae-yi muttered, but the man, still laughing without an ounce of guilt, said, "Sorry, sorry," though he didn’t look sorry at all. Fortunately, it didn’t escalate into an entirely nasty situation, and the sparring ended. Jung Tae-yi entered his seat, tapping his waist and shoulder.
From a distance, whenever their eyes met, the man would grin and mouth, "Hey, buddy," and Jung Tae-yi began to understand Carlo’s expression. "That’s why they said he has a flower blooming in his head." After several rounds of sparring, when people’s attention was directed toward the front of the sparring arena, Jung Tae-yi slipped out, muttering, "Quick trip to the bathroom," and found himself in the secluded resting area.

The South American branch members weren’t bad. They were hot-headed and rough, but not sinister, and they were generally cheerful. There might be individual differences, but if every branch had its unique atmosphere, South America was like that. Carlo’s description was just right: hot-headed ones with a flower blooming in their heads. If they had met under non-competitive circumstances, Jung Tae-yi would have probably enjoyed making some fun friends. In fact, if the relationships hadn’t been so strained, Jung Tae-yi might have even enjoyed life at UNHRDO. He liked the life of living among different people, cramped together and sharing experiences.
Yeah, it’s a shame that a monster-like person showed up and ruined everything. Otherwise, even after the promised six months, he might have been able to stick around here.
A bit regretful, but there was nothing that could be done. Life doesn’t always flow in the direction you want. Regardless of effort or ability, there are things you want but can’t do, and things you don’t want but have to do.

"Well… ‘Man proposes, God disposes,’" Jung Tae-yi murmured as he spun the beer can in his hand. At that moment, he heard footsteps coming from upstairs. He turned his head back, and the figure of Shin-Roo appeared, upside down.
"Why wait for the will of the heavens when you’re trying to do something?"
Jung Tae-yi murmured something under his breath, and Shin-Roo smiled as he spoke. Jung Tae-yi smiled back.

"All the world’s affairs."
"Haha, Hyung, saying that makes you sound like a fatalist."
That’s not me, it’s Ilay, Jung Tae-yi almost said, but he closed his mouth. He knew what would happen if he brought up that name.

Shin-Roo, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, looked just the same. Fresh, pale, and lovely. But, perhaps because he had been busy lately or for some other reason, his once-chubby cheeks had grown thin.
"Shin-Roo, you’ve gotten thinner."
Jung Tae-yi murmured with concern, and Shin-Roo, looking slightly confused, wiped his face with the back of his hand, saying, "I’ve just been busy, it’s fine," in a voice that made Jung Tae-yi’s heart feel heavy, as if he had heard, "It’s because of you, Hyung."

"Shin-Roo, are you going to quit UNHRDO?"
Jung Tae-yi casually brought it up as if talking about the weather. Shin-Roo, who was bending down to sit beside him, hesitated for a moment.
"…Where did you hear that?"

Hearing his hesitant voice, Jung Tae-yi bitterly thought, "Is it true?"
"It’s not like that… I just thought, what if...," Shin-Roo muttered softly. He seemed a bit embarrassed, and Jung Tae-yi waved his hand dismissively.
If Shin-Roo was quitting because of him, Jung Tae-yi felt guilty. He wondered if it might be true. If Shin-Roo was quitting against his will because of Jung Tae-yi, who hadn’t planned on staying long in the first place, that would be something he couldn’t apologize enough for.

"If it’s because of me, don’t. I’m leaving anyway."
Jung Tae-yi murmured quietly while sipping his beer. ❀ Nоvеlігht ❀ (Don’t copy, read here) He could tell that Shin-Roo was looking at him in surprise. Jung Tae-yi sighed, then turned toward him.
It wasn’t something he wanted to make a fuss about, but if his future was tied to Shin-Roo’s, he thought it was only right to let him know.

"It was supposed to be for six months from the start. I came in because I talked about it with my uncle, so I wasn’t planning on staying longer."
"Six months…"
Shin-Roo murmured. Jung Tae-yi nodded, repeating "six months."

Shin-Roo seemed to be counting those six months in his mind. Both of them knew it wouldn’t be long now.
"So, if you’re quitting because of me, you don’t have to."
Shin-Roo didn’t say anything. Jung Tae-yi paused for a moment, thinking about what else to say, but couldn’t find the words. So he just drank his beer, a few sips left, and started wondering what he would do after finishing it.

"Then, what will you do if you leave here?"
After a long silence, Shin-Roo asked cautiously. Jung Tae-yi tilted his head, "Hmm, probably go back home. Once I get back... I’ll have to figure out how to make a living."
He added, with a bit of self-deprecation, "I’m actually unemployed, you know," and finished the last of his beer in one go. Come to think of it, it was true. He didn’t have any special skills, and he didn’t know what to do to make a living. His uncle had said it would be easy to get a job if he left here, but all Jung Tae-yi had gained was patience, layered up inside him. A company that hires people based on patience didn’t seem like something he could find easily.

"Hyung…! Then, let me introduce you to a good place. My dad runs a place that’s really good. If you go there, it’ll be safe."
Suddenly, Shin-Roo grabbed Jung Tae-yi’s shoulder and said in a nervous voice. Jung Tae-yi blinked, confused, then waved his hand.
"No, I said I’m going home. To my house. It’s not like I’m going anywhere dangerous."

"What if that man follows you there…?"
Shin-Roo cried out with a pitiful look on his face. Jung Tae-yi closed his mouth, blinking in surprise. He felt like the conversation had taken a strange turn. He had wanted to talk about Shin-Roo’s future, but now Shin-Roo was more concerned with Jung Tae-yi.
Now, Shin-Roo was completely disregarding his own issues and was only focused on talking about Jung Tae-yi, saying things that didn’t make sense. Jung Tae-yi finally understood what Shin-Roo had said, but sighed in disbelief.

"Why would he follow me? What kind of scary joke is that?"
"…Hyung doesn’t know."
Shin-Roo murmured, looking as though he might cry any moment. Jung Tae-yi was weak to that face. He nervously rummaged through his pockets, but there was nothing useful like a tissue or handkerchief.

"What don’t I know? I don’t have any grudge against him. I owe him nothing. What’s so dangerous about it?"
"He has ill intentions toward you! That man likes you!"
Shin-Roo clutched his chest as if frustrated, and yelled out. Then, realizing what he had just said, he widened his eyes in surprise and quickly closed his mouth.

Jung Tae-yi stared at him with an incredulous look. He remembered a similar conversation from before, and here it was again. That ridiculous misunderstanding had never changed. Perhaps the rumors about him playing games with that guy had reached Shin-Roo’s ears. Or maybe some other way, the fact that he had nearly died in bed had spread.
Jung Tae-yi felt like tearing his hair out.
"Shin-Roo… Shin-Roo. That’s definitely not true. I know that guy better than you do. He’s not that kind of person."

Jung Tae-yi spoke with a sigh, his words bitter. He realized that, even if they never met again, and even if that man lived content with his life, Jung Tae-yi would always remember him with that same bitterness. Still, he wished him peace.
Shin-Roo lowered his head deeply. He might have been crying. Although Jung Tae-yi couldn’t see his tear-streaked cheeks, he could feel his heavy mood coming closer.
Jung Tae-yi reached out and gently placed his hand on the soft head. Shin-Roo flinched, but didn’t move, his small head staying still as Jung Tae-yi slowly petted him. He was still that lovely child. Perhaps completely different from the feelings he once had, but still, he was precious.

"Shin-Roo, are you leaving because of me?"
Shin-Roo didn’t answer. He only slightly tilted his head toward Jung Tae-yi. Jung Tae-yi sighed heavily. It felt heavy. He knew he’d be blamed for being irresponsible, but he thought he had no choice. Still, the weight of someone else’s decisions affecting him felt crushing.
"Hyung, I hate that man so much. Just the thought of him trying to touch you, it makes my chest tight."

Shin-Roo murmured. Jung Tae-yi’s hand paused for a moment.
…It seemed like Shin-Roo hadn’t heard those kinds of rumors yet. A part of Jung Tae-yi was relieved, but another part dreaded what would happen if Shin-Roo ever heard them.
"If you want, I’m fine staying here. I like this work. If you leave here, I’ll stay, to get away from that man."

Shin-Roo babbled on, speaking as though he had to say everything that came to mind. Still holding onto Jung Tae-yi’s clothes, he rambled, his voice quick.
Jung Tae-yi opened his mouth to respond but closed it. Shin-Roo didn’t seem to want to listen to him. Holding onto him tightly, Shin-Roo just kept pouring out his thoughts.
Jung Tae-yi, feeling his own helplessness, couldn't find the words to say. Shin-Roo was holding on so tightly, his desire to express himself overwhelming everything else. Jung Tae-yi sighed, taking another moment to think. It wasn’t that he was annoyed by Shin-Roo’s concern, but the situation was starting to spiral in a direction he hadn't anticipated.

Shin-Roo, oblivious to Jung Tae-yi's internal struggle, continued to speak anxiously, almost pleadingly. His grip on Jung Tae-yi's sleeve tightened as he voiced his fears.
"I don’t want to lose you too, Hyung. I can't... I can't stand it. Please, don't go... Please stay here, with me. I just don’t want to be left alone."
Jung Tae-yi felt his chest tighten, the weight of Shin-Roo’s words sinking deep into his heart. He had known Shin-Roo for a long time, and he had never seen him so vulnerable, so desperate. Shin-Roo was always strong, always the bright, cheerful kid. To see him like this... it hit harder than Jung Tae-yi cared to admit.

For a moment, there was silence between them. Jung Tae-yi didn't know how to comfort him. Words seemed so small, so useless against the intensity of what Shin-Roo was feeling. He slowly placed his hand on Shin-Roo’s shoulder, trying to offer him a small comfort.
"I’m not going anywhere yet," Jung Tae-yi said quietly, his voice soft but firm. "I told you, I’m going back home, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. You’ve got to stop thinking like that."
Shin-Roo looked up at him, his eyes still filled with worry. His brow furrowed in confusion, but there was a slight, tentative glimmer of hope in his gaze.

"I don’t know what I’ll do after that, Shin-Roo," Jung Tae-yi continued, "but leaving doesn't mean I’m abandoning you. You know that, right? I wouldn’t do that."
Shin-Roo opened his mouth to speak, but then paused, his face softening. He nodded slowly, though it was clear he still had doubts. Jung Tae-yi could see it in his eyes – the same uncertainty, the same fear of losing someone he cared about.
The two of them stood there for a moment, the silence between them now comfortable, though laden with unsaid words. Finally, Shin-Roo gave a small, weak smile. It was the kind of smile that didn’t reach his eyes, but Jung Tae-yi appreciated it nonetheless.

"Thank you, Hyung," Shin-Roo whispered, his voice quieter now, as though the weight of his emotions had finally settled for the moment.
Jung Tae-yi smiled back, though it was a little strained. "Anytime."
But even as he said those words, he knew deep down that there was still something unresolved. The air between them, though lighter now, still held tension. There was something more Shin-Roo was keeping inside, something he hadn’t said yet.

Jung Tae-yi wasn’t sure what it was, but for now, he decided not to press him further. Sometimes, all you could do was be there for someone and wait for them to open up when they were ready.
He took a deep breath and stood up straighter, giving Shin-Roo a gentle pat on the back. "Come on," he said, "let’s go grab something to eat. You look like you need it."
Shin-Roo hesitated for a moment, then nodded. As they walked back together, side by side, Jung Tae-yi couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to Shin-Roo’s words than he had let on. But for now, at least, he was no longer holding on so desperately to the fear of losing him.

Jung Tae-yi tried not to think too much about it. After all, there were still a few months left of his stay. Time was a strange thing; it moved quickly when you weren’t paying attention. What mattered now was making the most of it, and staying true to the promise he had made to himself: not to leave things unresolved, and to help those who needed him.
The rest, he hoped, would figure itself out in time.