Nirvana In Fire

When he first heard his name called out like it used to be in the past, Xiao Jingyan felt a mix of astonishment, sorrow and joy. Emotions surged within him, forming a lump in his throat. But he was unwilling to reveal his emotions for fear that his close friend would feel sad, so an array of expressions passed through his face, but in the end, he still couldn’t settle on one.

Mei Changsu couldn’t help but laugh at him as he said, “You can also stop being so considerate of me. If I could survive the bloody ocean that was Meiling and make my way here, how could I be so fragile? Pain is inevitable when I’m with you, but to wallow in misery and grief, unwilling to pull myself away from sorrowful emotions, that’s not me….”

These words spoke directly to Xiao Jingyan’s heart. He cheered up immediately and said, “If you have moved on, then I am relieved. Actually, you haven’t really changed much either. You’re just a little quieter, which happens as we grow older. Look at me. I don’t argue with you as much as I used to in the past. As long as we’re still around, why should a few changes matter? Once this case is overturned, you would still be Lin Shu, and I would still be Jingyan. We can still be like we were before…..”

“Jingyan,” interrupted Mei Changsu, shaking his head, “That’s no longer possible. No matter how completely this case is overturned, I can only remain as Mei Changsu. I can never return to being Lin Shu….”

“Why?” Xiao Jingyan’s eyebrows lifted in startlement and he stood up all of a sudden. “As long as your name is cleared, you can always return to your former identity. Whoever dares to say otherwise….”

“Hear me out,” With a calm gaze, Mei Changsu indicated for him to sit down again. “The kind of person Su zhe is, and how he moved back and forth between the Crown Prince and Prince Yu, this is something everyone in the capital already knows. A master of schemes who uses underhanded methods. Although it’s an effective way to seize power, it’s not the proper way….”

“But…..”

“Jingyan,” Mei Changsu didn’t let him speak and immediately cut him off. “For me, overturning the case is the end. I’m already very content to be able to see this day. But for you, redressing this case is only the beginning. You still need to clean up the long standing corruption, establish a strong nation and protect the citizens, revive Da Liang after more than ten years of decline, replace what is false with truth, and rebuild a court that is well-ordered and magnanimous. In order to achieve this, you need a perfect start. All the souls of the deceased above also wish to see you established as a fair, righteous and selfless ruler in the hearts of the people. People like Su zhe can never be regarded as one of your favored ministers. This will everyone misunderstand that the new ruler, like the previous one, is someone who loves checks and balances, which would run counter to our original intentions. What’s more, I’ve been in the capital as Su zhe for a long time, and I am unlikely to be able to dissociate myself from the disturbances that have happened these past two years. To add to that, my appearance has changed a lot, and there are no traces left of me from the past. Relying on the testimonies of a few people to suddenly say that I am Lin Shu would be too shocking and unbelievable. I think of my 70,000 Chiyan brothers, their fierce and loyal souls waiting for the day when they would be vindicated. If, due to my selfishness, when history is written in future with a pen like a knife, and the act of vindicating these innocent souls are raised for conjecture, it would be difficult to argue if it was true or false when the details are only known to insiders. Then why have I worked so hard for all these thirteen years?”

“It’s because of all your thirteen years of hard work that I can’t bear for you to continue to be wronged!” Xiao JIngyan could no longer stop himself from refuting him. “If the world misunderstands you, that’s their stupidity. Why should you care?”

“To be honest, I do care.” Mei Changsu smiled with melancholy. “Not only do I care, but I hope you care too. Those who do not keep the appraisal of the world in mind do not understand what introspection and restraint are. Then how does one become a wise ruler? Besides, I don’t feel wronged if I can’t return to my identity as Lin Shu. I’ve been Mei Changsu for more than ten years, so I’m used to it. So let everyone forever remember Lin Shu as he used to be. Isn’t that also very good?”

Xiao Jingyan tightened his lips and looked intensely at him for a long while before asking all of a sudden, “Are you intending to leave the capital?”

“Eh?” Mei Changsu didn’t expect this question. His gaze wavered and his face turned pale.

“You insist on remaining as Mei Changsu, yet you say that he’s a master of schemes, not suited to remain by the side of a ruler. In other words, doesn’t that imply that you are not suited to remain by my side?” Xiao Jingyan stared intently into his good friend’s eyes, not relenting one bit. “Do you intend to leave the capital after the case is overturned, and retreat into Jianghu?”

Mei Changsu wore a perfect smile on his face and he said in a relaxed manner, “I’ve not taken a moment’s break for thirteen years, and I’m feeling very tired. You have plenty of assistants now, and many good and virtuous court officials by your side, so you shouldn’t have to worry about ruling the country. Why not let me leave and be free? After three or five years, I will return to visit you. Our fraternity and friendship won’t fall apart just because we don’t meet, right?”

Xiao Jingyan wasn’t the least bit moved by his smile, and his expression was still as cold and resolute as before. “Xiao Shu, tell me the truth….is your health better?”

“My health,” Mei Changsu smiled as her rubbed his temples, “It can certainly not be compared to how it used to be back then. There is no strength and it’s completely incapable of any martial arts. If I spar with you now, I would only be beaten.”

“Is that right…..” Xiao Jingyan stared for a long while into his eyes, then broke out into a smile. “Then I’ll wait for you. Once you have recovered well, we will compete.”

Mei Changsu lowered his eyes and didn’t say a word.

“….Won’t you be able to recover?”

“Ng.”

“It doesn’t matter then.” Xiao Jingyan endured the turmoil raging within him and patted his shoulder. “As long as you’re still around.”

Mei Changsu smiled too and nodded his head, lifting up a cup of fresh tea from the table, taking a sip.

“From the way you look, apart from telling me not to publicize your identity, what else do you want to tell me?”

“Yes,” said Mei Changsu as he put the teacup back on the table, his expression becoming serious. “I also want to discuss the matter of Ting Sheng with you.”

“Ting Sheng? It’s been very good for him here. His depth of knowledge in both the literary and martial arts are praiseworthy, and he has his father’s elegant demeanor. In future, once the dust has settled, we can….” At this point, he suddenly realized the issue and stopped short.

“When it comes to royal inheritance, the verification of the bloodline has been subject to strict rules,” said Mei Changsu in a low voice. “Without the gold chest and jade discs at birth, an imperial seal and a record in the Imperial Palace Affairs Bureau, he cannot be identified as a member of the Imperial family. Although we know that Ting Sheng is Prince Qi’s posthumous son, he was born hidden away in the Secluded Courtyard and given another identity. Even though it was done in order to save his life, because there was no other choice, it also made it impossible for him to return to the Imperial family….”

As a member of the Imperial family, of course Xiao Jingyan knew the truth of these words, but since he wasn’t sure if he could actually ultimately overturn the case, he never considered the issue of Ting Sheng’s identity. Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t help feeling stunned.

“As for Prince Qi’s line, even if you want to carry it on in future, you can only choose from the children born to yourself or other royal princes. In short, Ting Sheng will never qualify.” Mei Changsu looked a little sad as he said this. “Even when you become the Emperor in future, you can’t set a new precedent just for his sake, and disrupt the entire imperial clan system….”

Xiao Jingyan heaved a long sigh and said, “The imperial clan system is very strict. There’s nothing to be done about it. Looking back, the childless Emperor Hui could not bring back the illegitimate son he had left with the common folk, what more Ting Sheng.”

“Jingyan,” Mei Changsu moved a little closer to his good friend and asked softly, “Have you told Ting Sheng about his past?”

“No. He’s still young, and has been through so much suffering. I don’t want him to seek revenge either, so why tell him?”

“Prince Ji never mentioned….” Mei Changsu’s brows furrowed as he pondered. “But I’ve always felt that Ting Sheng knows….there are many things in this world, when you don’t know, you’re content, but when you know, it would only increase your wild thoughts and worries. Jingyan, the quieter Ting Sheng is, the more I worry about him. In future…..you would have to pay a lot of attention to him so that he can live out his life in peace and stability, to live up to Prince Qi’s spirit in the heavens….”

Xiao Jingyan looked up and thought for a long while before saying, “Let it be then. Since it’s impossible for Ting Sheng to return to the imperial family, I will adopt him, and at least raise his status. He is Qi wang* xiong’s son and not a commoner. At least he can be one of the pillars of the court.”

*prince. I preferred using Qi wang xiong vs Prince Qi xiong because it was more intimate

“I think….” Mei Changsu frowned and threw this out with some hesitation. “…it would be better to keep Ting Sheng far away from the centre of the imperial family….”

“Why?”

Mei Changsu hesitated awhile as he pondered, then smiled. “No reason….perhaps I’m thinking too much. I’ve always felt that for a child like Ting Sheng who has suffered so much, he might be happiest enjoying an ordinary and healthy life.”

“It’s because he has suffered so much that I have to make it up to him,” said Xiao Jingyan, smiling too. “It wasn’t easy for Ting Sheng to stay alive. I will bring him up well and look out for him. Besides, doesn’t he have you too? Even if I were to neglect him in future, you’ll just have to remind me.”

At the mention of the word “future”, Mei Changsu felt a constriction in the pit of his stomach, and remained silent. He laughed with some difficulty, then got up and said, “I should take my leave. The burden of the next difficult step lies on Your Highness’s shoulders. Thank you for going through the trouble.”

“You’re being polite again,” Xiao Jingyan finally had an open conversation with his friend, as it should be, and he was in a very good mood. As he stood up to see him off, he said, “Mother said that peace of mind would be good for you, so take good care of yourself these next few days. On the day of the birthday ceremony, we can’t let our guard down, even for a moment. Will you be alright?”

“What do you think?” Mei Changsu smiled faintly. “I’ve waited all these years for this day. Even if I die, I will see it through.”

Xiao Jingyan didn’t know why, but this sentence pierced through his heart. He frowned and said, “You don’t have to exaggerate. Actually, everything that needs to be done has already been done. Our chances of success are high, so there is no need to be too anxious. I will be on constant alert these few days. Liyang gugu will not rest either. So please take care of your health and recuperate well. As long as I am here, nothing will happen.”

Seeing his absolute confidence, Mei Changsu was comforted. Nodding in agreement, he left the main pavilion and summoned Fei Liu. Xiao Jingyan wanted to send him out to the palace hall and summon a palanquin for him, but was flatly refused, so he had no choice but to stand by the screen wall and watch as both persons left.

After returning to the Su Residence, Mei Changsu felt a little tired. With Fei Liu supporting him, he was intending to lie down on the couch when the room door opened and Lin Chen strutted in with a mysterious smile on his face, proudly exclaiming, “Good news! Would you like to guess what it is?”

He didn’t ask if they wanted to listen, but asked if they wanted to guess, so he must have been feeling a little bored at that moment. Mei Changsu didn’t feel like entertaining him, so he closed his eyes and lay down.

“Take a guess, take a guess,” Lin Chen rushed forward and dragged him up. “I detect that you’ll soon enjoy great fortune, and I have a feeling that your wishes will come true. This good news will be like the icing on the cake for you. I’ll give you three guesses!”

Mei Changsu stared fixedly at his overtly smiling eyes, and his heart suddenly skipped a bit. In a faltering voice, he said, “Did you catch Xia Jiang?”

Afterthought:

“…the quieter Ting Sheng is, the more I worry about him….” I hear echoes of Lin Shu’s transformation into Mei Changsu during the 10 years he was away. So much that happens in this chapter, so much going on between both friends that we didn’t get to see in the drama.

Though between the book and the drama, I found the drama more endearing in its attempt to transition from “serious and awkward” to “how we used to be” with MCS/LS telling XJY that XJY will now win all fights, and MCS trying to joke with XJY re the pearl being something XJY “owed” him. So, again I am glad to have both mediums to make up for the gaps in the other!