Lunar Shadows: Awaken

Selene

I’m falling, hurdling toward a gaping pit of black nothingness as the breath gets ripped from my chest in a silent, never-ending scream. Bleak emptiness swallows me whole. Spiders claw up my spine with razor tipped legs scrabbling against my skin in places I can’t reach. Ice courses through my veins, weighing me down, down, down into the abyss where my worst fears starve. I can’t breathe. I can’t find my way back. I will die here, alone and forgotten. Perhaps I already have…

“Selene,” a distant voice calls to me, faded and wispy like smoke in the wind. “Selene, please be okay,” the faint noise grows closer.

A sharp sting bites my cheek and my world erupts into blinding light, forcing my eyes to squeeze shut painfully against the stark contrast. Incessant blaring—no, screaming—is piercing my ears and I raise my hands to block it out, except, I can’t move my arms. Why can’t I move? I’m trapped, I need to escape! I freak out at the sensation and my panicked heart beats erratically as I wildly thrash in my bindings. The wailing echoes unending around me.

“Selene!” Asteria’s shrill voice cuts through the chaos and I search blindly for her through my flooded, blurry eyes.

Realization dawns on me then as I take in my bedroom around me and understand with horror that it is me who is the source of the manic screaming. Asteria—no, Bolvi—straddles my legs and has my arms pinned to the bed beside me as my body writhes relentlessly out of my control. My skin is glowing brightly, illuminating the fear in Asteria’s wide, violet eyes as she mouths words I cannot hear. Her face melts into his, with the awful sneer and flat, hollow gaze. Instinct takes over me as I let out a strangled cry and heave my hips upward at the same moment that I wrench my arms free of his grasp. I can’t help but shove him away from me as hard as I can with a burst of light ripping from me, sending him tumbling across my room and crashing through my closet doors.

I scramble off the bed and crumple to a heap on the floor, crawling away to press my back against the wall. My chest is heaving painfully with hyperventilation as I clutch the sides of my head, sobbing uncontrollably. Curling my legs up beneath me, I squeeze my elbows to my knees and rock back and forth as I stare across my room at the darkness in my closet. Light wind ruffles the sheets hanging off my bed and my mother appears, her face stricken as she crouches before me. I notice the sparkle of a tear on her sharp cheekbone before everything goes black.

“Selene,” my mother’s soft voice catches my attention.

Part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge it, to ignore her. I’ve been floating for what seems like an eternity and I have no intentions of ever leaving. Pure comfort surrounds me as luxurious, golden silk rays of sunlight bathe me in a warm pool of bliss. I sigh contentedly, feeling utterly relaxed.

“Selene, I’m bringing you back to us now,” her voice is hesitant, something I’ve never heard before.

My heavenly waters begin to dissipate and I groan in protest, feeling lethargic. I can feel my weight settle beneath me once more and find that someone is holding my hand lightly in theirs. I give the hand a small squeeze as my senses begin to come back to me, hearing crickets chirp in the distance and I can smell the rich petrichor scent of wet earth. Soft, warm blankets cover my legs, and I clench a section of it in my fist before cracking open my eyes.

“There you are, dear,” my mother’s face comes into view, her black brows knitted with worry. “How do you feel?” she asks tentatively.

I run a mental check over myself and other than feeling like I need a ton of sleep, I feel mostly…“Numb,” I respond, my tone flat.

She nods her head in understanding and leans away, my gaze becoming unfocused on the spot she just occupied before drifting toward the open balcony doors. The faded light of the sky is either early dawn or dusk, I can’t really tell, nor do I care. I force my eyes to find my mother’s once more and I ask quietly, “What’s going on?” as I realize I have no idea how long I’ve been unconscious for.

I watch as her mouth pulls into a tight line and her eyes narrow slightly before she responds. After letting out a small sigh, she takes my hand in hers once more as she answers me quietly, “You were having an episode of extreme hysteria, which I believe was triggered from what I can only assume to be night terrors. I’m unaware of what went on during your sleep dive with Kyran, but from my point of view, it was most certainly not good. I was forced to…tranquilize you, magically, in order to gain control of your mind. I can keep you here this way if you wish, or I can taper it off, letting you get hold of yourself slowly,” she tells me, carefully watching me.

I think I understand what she is saying, but it is difficult to process my thoughts at the moment. I don’t entirely like the sensation of this nothingness, though. I must make a face because my mother looks at me intently. “I don’t know either, at the moment,” I murmur, “what I mean is, I can’t really form coherent thoughts enough to pull my memory back to remember what was going on. I don’t want to stay like this. Please take it away,” I ask, holding her gaze.

She nods her head and pats my hand. “Okay, I will. I’ll be back in about an hour and see how you’re doing with it, okay?”

“No,” I shake my head, pushing myself up to sit and turn to face her. “I don’t want it at all. Take it away, now,” I say firmly this time.

Staring at me for a moment with a narrowed gaze, she nods once slowly and raises her hand. Pressing her fingers to my forehead, she murmurs something before I feel the fogginess evaporate from my mind and everything comes crashing down onto me. I close my eyes at the sudden onslaught of emotions and memories and suck in a breath, holding it tightly as I wait it out. Once I remember up to the moment my mother arrived, I exhale slowly, relaxing my grip on the blanket and open my eyes.

I glance at her and offer a wan smile as I rub my temple, feeling a headache blooming. Without prompt, I explain the nightmares of despair and anxiety, how I woke to my own screaming and confused Asteria for my abusive ex-boyfriend. I immediately asked if she was alright, concerned that I hurt her and my mother assured me that she is fine, just resting for the moment since she exhausted herself from the night before. We discuss a little about my experience in the sleep dive and I decide not to go into much detail about it with her, just that I was not intending to face my suppressed trauma when it consumed me. My mother nods her head in understanding, and though I can see the concern in her eyes, she doesn’t push the matter further.

“If it’s alright with you, I think I’d like to be alone for a little while,” I say quietly, pulling my blankets up around my shoulders.

“Of course, dear. If there is anything you need, I am here for you,” her voice is stern as she offers me a small smile.

“Thanks,” I mumble, glancing away before she vanishes into thin air.

I can’t help but replay my panic attack once more, feeling both shame and anger about it. My mind flashes through the sleep dive, recalling the things I saw with Kyran, and I close my eyes against it. Tears trickle down my cheeks and I let them flow freely, trying to not hold anything inside. He wasn’t wrong when he told me there was a lot to him that I was unaware of. Pulling the blanket up over my head, I lay on my side and curl into a ball. With the weight of all of his own problems, it isn’t fair for him to carry all of my shit as well. I’m too…broken, too damaged, I admit to myself dejectedly.

A small sob escapes me as the emotions I’ve ignored for too long begin to push out of their hiding places. Everything feels overwhelming, it is all just too much, and the only thing I am able to do is succumb to the flood with the hope I’ll come out of it alive.

I lay there for a while, endlessly crying as my mind unravels the awful experiences and the emotions tacked to each one run me over again and again. I feel beaten, inside and out, utterly battered and broken. My shoulder protests from being squished for so long beneath me, but I can’t find it within myself to move. The thick stuffiness to my nose makes it difficult to breathe and my lips have grown chapped from the countless heavy gasps.

I wish I could help you through this, Luna’s clear voice slides quietly through my mind. I can feel a gentle pressure within my chest at her words and it brings me a foreign comfort. It would be easier if you had your memories returned, to give you a better sense of severity to compare to.

Hot anger flashes through me at that and I am about to lash out at her when she interrupts my train of thought. This is in no way meant to invalidate what you are feeling and what you have been through. What I am trying to tell you, Selene, is if you were to remember your past—our past—you would have a plethora of experiences to compare or gauge the intensity of what your mind is desperately trying to process at the moment. For you, this situation is the worst thing you have ever been through, however with your full conscious memories, I can assure you we have been through many harsh, negative experiences. What feels like a tidal wave that you are endlessly drowning in could feel like a rainstorm instead, do you understand what I am trying to tell you? Her voice is gentle yet firm inside my mind and I can feel her true intentions, though I don’t know if I can acknowledge it at the moment.

I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling as if I’m teetering on the edge of another breakdown and I take a deep breath through my mouth since my damn nose isn’t functioning properly anymore. Focusing on the fact that I don’t even know who I really am makes me slightly nauseous and add on to it that the man I’m falling in love with is a fucking werewolf—which I apparently am as well—without any recollection of all the shit involved with that, it all has me feeling more than slightly crazy. A manic laugh bubbles out of me and I can’t control it, realizing everything that has taken place these past couple of weeks is pure insanity and I’ve just been living in fantasy land or something because this can’t be happening.

It certainly has happened and you need to pull your shit together, Luna’s voice is harsh now, cutting through the wild thoughts racing through my mind.

My crazed laughter is cut off by a strangled cry as I realize I’m suffering a mental breakdown and have zero control over it, which only makes all of this ten times worse. My skin feels as if there’s millions of tiny ice snakes writhing beneath the surface and I am emitting an eerie glow into the room. I am beyond distressed at this point and fear what this means. What is happening to me? I cry out as I fling the blankets off of my bed to look at my luminescent skin.

Shit—Selene, be careful, Luna demands, her voice laced with worry, argh! Hekate! She calls loudly and I wince at the sudden volume.

My mother manifests across my room and her hand flies to her mouth at the sight of me. I stumble out of my bed and take a few steps away from her, holding my arms around my middle as I shake my head. I have no idea what is going on with me, but I feel like it could be dangerous if Luna is worried and especially if my mother is as well. I just want to get away, to run away from everything and everyone right now. I swipe at the never-ending tears pouring from my eyes as I take another step backward toward the only exit closest to me, my balcony. Maybe the evening air will help me to find some reprieve from the onslaught of tumultuous emotions wreaking havoc in my mind.

“Selene,” my mother speaks softly, holding up her hands as if not to startle a wild animal.

I just shake my head, continuing backwards and refusing to meet her gaze. I just can’t, I need to get away before something bad happens. I step into the moonlight that barely peaks into my room over the trees and am instantly shrouded in cool mist and swirling wisps of inky blackness as my stomach bottoms out sickeningly. Wind brushes over my exposed skin and my bare feet connect with soft grass before I can finish inhaling for the scream wanting to claw its way free of my chest.

I lose my balance, falling to my hands and knees with a small shriek as I’m overwhelmed with confusion and fear. “What the fuck was that?” I cry out loud as I turn over to sit on the ground. Outside. In the middle of the woods.

Luna sighs, Shadow-walking, her voice is tired and quiet.

“Huh?” is all I can manage to respond, glancing around me feeling more than a bit lost, mentally and physically.

Shadow-walking. Think of it as teleportation, in a sense. It is an ability we wield, with our magic, among a few others…we’ll discuss this later. Right now, what is important is we get back to safety. It is dangerous to be out here alone, I can sense her trepidation growing as she speaks.

Swallowing thickly, I shut everything away as best I can so I can look around and try to figure out where the hell I ended up, without focusing on the how. All I can see is an enormous clearing around me ringed by a thick forest in the distance. Lifting my hand to wipe the tears from my eyes, my fingers brush over tall stems and I glance down at the ground. In the dim light of twilight, I find that I am surrounded by wildflowers and my brows pinch with familiarity. As I rub a soft petal between my still-glowing fingers, it takes a few moments for it to register that this must be the clearing Kyran had brought me to a little while ago.

The memory of riding on the back of his wolf as we raced through the woods causes warmth to pool in my chest and a tiny hint of a smile ghosts my lips. My mind immediately recalls the darkness of the sleep dive and wipes away any sense of comfort I had, leaving me again in despair. I have absolutely no idea how to get home. Feeling helpless, I flop onto my back and spread my arms wide, staring absently at the budding stars far above me. My hands glide back and forth over the tops of the wildflowers, their velvety texture oddly soothing me into a false calmness.

I spend a few moments like this, actively thinking of nothing in a desperate attempt to stave off the inescapable mental anguish. The sharp snap of branches breaking sends my heart into my throat and I shove to my feet, turning rapidly around in search of the source. The darkening sky makes it difficult to distinguish the trees from one another and fear grips my spine with an iron fist as a large shadow bursts from the forest into the clearing.

Stumbling away from the dark mass rapidly approaching, I don’t register Luna’s voice through my sad cries of fear until she is nearly screaming at me. Selene! It’s alright, stop running! He’s here, you called for him and he found us, her voice quiets into a softer tone.

I turn to look over my shoulder and find Valdr standing a few paces away from me, his body heaving with the effort to breathe from running. Stepping toward him, I slowly raise my hand and he closes the distance between us immediately, pushing his head up into my illuminated palm.

Selene. What happened, are you alright? A mix of both Valdr and Kyran’s voices tight with apprehension fill my mind at the contact and I am abruptly reminded of the shit storm this evening has been. Snatching my hand away with the fear I could harm them, I hold it to my chest as fresh tears spring forth and I shake my head. He swings his head around, looking for any threats and meets my gaze again before asking in the eerie dual voice, Why are you out here? Are you hurt? Did someone take you? His last words are spoken roughly with a low growl and again I shake my head as fresh tears drip down my face.

“Take me home, please,” I whisper, refusing to speak about my psychotic episode and the subsequent loss of control over powers I didn’t even know existed. I can’t meet his gaze either and I shift my weight uncomfortably as I try to hold back my crying. Valdr blurs and Kyran appears, his face stricken as he takes a step toward me with his hand outstretched. I vehemently shake my head this time and hot tears stream endlessly as I step away, wrapping my arms around my middle.

“Selene, what is going on? What happened?” Kyran sounds alarmed and I turn my face to glance at him, noticing his outstretched hand clench into a fist as it drops to his side.

My eyes twitch upward toward his distressed face and I can feel the hysteria threatening to overcome me again so I squeeze my eyes shut, taking shaky breaths as slowly as I can. I open my eyes again and stare at the ground beneath my bare feet, sensing Kyran take a tentative step toward me again. “Don’t,” I rasp as my fingers dig into my upper arms. “Please,” I add quietly, feeling awful for a thousand reasons.

“Sele—”

Hot anger irrationally courses through me and I wrench my hands downward, balling them into fists as I grate out, “I can’t look at you right now, not after everything that’s happened.”

“What?” he breathes, his voice quietly incredulous and I feel my heart crack at the sound.

“Kyran, just…please take me home,” I whisper raggedly, my chest threatening to cave in on me.

I hear a low growl and glance his way, though my eyes don’t travel farther than his broad chest. I watch as his muscles flex with tension from trying to regulate his breathing and I notice how still he is standing. I cannot bring myself to look into his eyes, not right now. I know that I would completely fall apart if I do. Kyran lifts his hands to his face for a moment before slinging them around the back of his neck as he inhales loudly.

“Selene, I need to know what is—”

“Just take me home, dammit!” I shriek and icy pressure flashes through every cell in my body, the silkiness coursing down my arms and legs to burst free in writhing tendrils of obsidian smoke.

All of my distress, anguish, confusion, and pain collide into this one sensation streaming through my body and it freaks me the fuck out. I cry out in horror, shaking my hands to dissipate the shadows wrapping around them and it swirls away on a soft breeze. Dragging my terrified gaze to Kyran’s, I find him staring at me with his mouth parted and pain in his amber eyes. I quickly look toward the ground and swallow thickly before hoarsely whispering, “I can’t be here, I need to speak with my mother.”

Kyran doesn’t move for a few moments before grunting with frustration and shifts into his wolf form. Valdr instantly moves forward but I automatically step aside in fear of causing him harm and he stops abruptly at my avoidance. I watch as he silently lowers himself to the ground before me and I hesitate for a moment, staring down at my hands. With a deep breath, I close my eyes and focus on not doing anything as I shakily reach out to grab a hold of his fur, swinging my leg over his back.

He waits for me to get situated before rising to his feet and immediately turns us around, loping toward the dark woods silently. After a short while, I lower myself to press my cheek against the back of his neck, feeling as if a train ran me over. My pathetic attempt at walling off the turmoil crumbles and my tears spill silently down my face and into his soft fur. I don’t bother to wipe them away as we ghost through the trees. None of us say a word the entire way home.