Lords and ladies of Ye Olde Delmar.

Gizzy sat at a large table, holding a stack of paperwork, a row of pens and signature forms in front of her and across from that sat 5 occupied chairs.

Vinn, Nicole, and Dee (The original human one) sat under the overhead memory cones, all looking annoyed and worried.

“Thank you for attending this mandatory meeting, I’m sure you all noticed the memory cones above you, and the consent forms in front of you, which is why you all look very concerned."

“Yep.” Vinn said. "Scared shitless"

“I’m going to start with Dee because this will be quick and easy. Dee, I just need a signature for you to give permission to use your DNA and body likeliness for a covert mission you won’t be attending, and you won’t remember this conversation when you leave the room.”

“Oh really? Why would I even consi-”

“300 grand direct deposit.” Gizzy blurted.

“So I sign here, and then check these boxes.” Dee said, grabbing the pen and signing as everyone else rolled their eyes.”

“You can leave now.” Gizzy said. Dee looked offended but shrugged and left the room.

“Well now I’m really worried.” Nicole said.

“It’s hard to explain that, but let's just say there is another crew currently doing another mission, or several. I might not even know. But IT or THEY, are missions much like we are here to discuss today, and in one of them, code named Medusa, one of Dee’s sexbots has been taken over by a sentient AI, converted into a hybrid cyborg, and don’t judge me, we ended up as a couple, I said don't judge me, and I’m sending that version of Dee on this mission because, turns out, long missions get lonely, and your Dee sucks at everything.”

“Wait…you’re banging Dee somewhere on some mission?” Nicole blurted.

“No…I said it was complicated. I developed mutual romantic feelings for a totally different person who…ended up on a robot chassis…who also goes by Dee…because the chassis was one of Dee’s mass produced sexbots. Don’t look at me like I’m some weird, gross asshole who exploited a loophole, okay? You bought the sexbot. Weird shit happens in space, there are 4 books explaining it all but due to parallel timelines and clones and some censoring problems with really dark content those may never be released to the public" she said checking her phone. "Oh, my bad, they got uploaded. But you can't read about this universe while we're in it... So…just take my word for it. It makes sense, stop judging me. Moving on. Long story short, the universe is in peril, we need to find and destroy a number of magical artifacts in the past, to save the future, and I need a team I’m familiar with. Luckily, most of you are nerds who play RPG games. So this should be far easier than a space mission to actual hell.” Gizzy smiled. Nicole squinted skeptically and looked worried, leaning back in her chair.

“Why do I think that’s exactly the other mission, and why does that sound horrible?”

“Because it basically was and is and, god it’s so bad out there. This is by far the more fun adventure. Deep space is such a nightmare. Nobody was ready. Anyway technically neither of you will remember this conversation, and you will both go on your daily life as usual in about ten minutes BUT, if you agree, you will be cloned for the mission, retain your memory of this event and be off to an adventure of a lifetime. Think about it. Medieval magic and fantasy, alternate universe, you people love cosplay and renaissance fairs, this is just really long term, and necessary to save the universe for complicated reasons again, I can’t explain quickly.”

“You don’t believe in magic.” Nicole pointed out.

“No, technically it’s just misunderstood science but for simplicity’s sake we’re calling it magic from now on, and we’re faking ours with science that is essentially literal magic, do you people wanna save the universe with cosplay, time travel, technological alien science disguised as magical powers and live an RPG game for real, or just go back to your boring lives?”

“No Jack and Vicki?” Vinn asked.

“Vicki was a…problem. And Jack kinda goes where Vicki goes. It’s better with just us. Makes the house roomier, too. So you in?”

“Oh absolutely we’re going, right Vinn?” Nicole blurted.

“Yea why not, we could use a vacation.” He shrugged.

“Okay now before you agree to this, Vinn you being an 8-foot alien is a slight problem for a lot of reasons, so we have a solution, but you both need to hear it before signing the consent forms. You will be downsized to a humanish passable copy of yourself. Same memory and everything, but physically more human, technically a Delmarian hybrid but small enough and not Jackelope enough to prevent constant cover blowing every time anyone see’s an unknown mythical creature and villagers freak out. We are trying to avoid too much attention. We don’t know HOW mythical this world is yet, we have very limited data. So Vinn…how would you like to be almost vaguely sort of human-ish?”

“Oh shit. That’s…a lot to consider.” He pondered.

“Well, you gotta do it kinda fast, we leave tomorrow. I will remind you that the you sitting in this room will not leave Delmar and be fully unaltered and remember nothing of this conversation, so this is a copy and theoretically only active for the duration of the mission, so not actually “reversible” and technically permanent, but in effect also not, for practicality’s sake. If the mission goes well we can upload your memory to the body you’re in now, and it will feel like you just took a vacation, came back at the exact same time and moment you left and back to normal.”

“What if the mission goes badly?” he asked.

“Well, then neither of you remember a damn thing, and it’s like it never happened anyway, so you can’t even be mad at me. And I remind you we are potentially saving the universe here, Very minimum, one planet. That’s literal, not metaphorical, so if you don’t sign, we have a B team and C team prepped to replace you, and I’m doing it anyway, but with Jack and Vicki, and trust me SHE…could be the thing that ends the universe. No pressure.” She shrugged.

They signed the papers, Vinn both hesitant and last.

“Fantastic, Now you can go back to your lives as normal with no memory of this, and from your current perspective you should wake up abruptly in a remote lab offworld where the time gate is being prepped. This is going to be jarring as shit for like 10 seconds, and then you’ll feel fine, but for that ten seconds, it’s not gonna be fun unless you like taking shrooms and then getting on carnival rides…anyone into that? No? Just me? Okay then, see you about ten really weird seconds." She said as the room got warm and bright. “Bubye.”

A wall of cloning pods flashed display screens and 2 of them opened, Gizzy stood waiting, grabbing a cigar off the table, Nicole flopping out naked and nauseous, desperately patting for the floor for some gravitational frame of reference.

“AUUUUGh, what the hell!?” Nicole said, spitting out phlegm and sliding from all fours back to her side, covered in cloning tank gel.

“Careful, that’s slippery. Go for the gray mats and try to take your time.” Gizzy said as Nicole slipped back down to the floor. “Yea I see it now.” Gizzy said watching her fumble and lighting her cigar. “That Menacodian clumsy reptile percentage of your DNA is definitely there, girl.”

“Why is Vinn still in there?” Nicole asked.

“He’s a brand new hybrid model. They take longer to cook, okay? I was pre-baking myself before we even did the forms, I was going regardless. Vinn is just big and chonky. The machine has never cloned a Delmarian human hybrid before. Give it a minute. Have some milk and crackers, it helps the spinning. Hey, there she is. This is Dee, MY Dee, the good one. She knows you already pretty well, but despite looking like your friend with glowing orange eyes, she’s an entirely different person, and you are likely going to forget that.”

“So you downsized yourself?” Nicole asked Gizzy.

“Yea, I rocked white hair and a 6 foot body for a long time on the other mission, got used to it. Dee’s used to that body too. And speaking of bodily differences, Vinn is awake.”

“Oh my god.” Nicole gasped, trying not to smile or laugh but only managing one. “I am not laughing at you, honey.”

“Why is everything so big?” he asked, dry heaving.

“Because you’re smaller.” Gizzy reminded.

“Oh that’s weird. Everything is weird.” He said instinctively wrapping in a towel and cleaning his face with another one, Dee looking slightly disappointed in his coverage. Gizzy rolled her eyes as Dee looked targeted.

“What? He’s hot now!” Dee muttered. “Don’t look at me like that, YOU designed his body and made him hot. I’m not weird, you're weird.”

“No it’s just ironic…” Gizzy sighed. “The original human Dee, uh…fucked a Delmarian, so the fact that you think he’s hot as a humanoid is almost the opposite.”

“I’m just going to say nothing for a while.” Dee nodded.

“Holy shaved shit, I’m hairless.” Vinn said, looking in the mirror next to him.

“Vinn you’re not hairless, you’re as burly as any normal human man.” Gizzy assured.

“I’m like a damn swimmer, all weirdly slick and smooth, what am I a tattoo model who hasn’t started the tattoos yet? One of those gym guys that shaved his fur?” he asked as Nicole interjected.

“Honey, you have normal body hair, You have damn beard and hair from scalp to mid back. If anything, you’re slightly hairier than most human men. And I’m not mad about it.” she said, questioning her preferences.

“Damn it’s cold…” he said rubbing his chest for warmth. “…the fuck is this? I got nipples? Am I gonna lactate?” he asked nervously.

“NO!...You better not. Gizzy... He better not. Right?” Nicole asked.

“NO! Vinn you’re not gonna lactate.” Gizzy sighed.

“Oh thank the gods, that’s too much to deal with.” He sighed, as Dee leaned upward to say something. “I know it’s weird when you first get them but trust me…they’re pretty amazing.” She grinned.

“Thanks…?” he said awkwardly.

“I don’t mean YOURS specifically are amazing, I mean having them is. Don’t make it weird.” Dee said, rolling her eyes.

“Just…So much to adjust to.” He said

“You think you got adjustments. This is the first week I’ve technically had an Anus. Yea. That’s a hole new thing.” Dee smirked.

Vinn huffed, refusing to comment and stepping forward, falling on his face. Gizzy winced and remembered the feet.

“Oh right, Vinn you have feet now instead of hooves, and you need to lean back on your entire foot. Don’t tiptoe like you’re probably doing by instinct.”

“Oh that’s weird. I’m in contact with so much ground and I can feel it on my feet. That’s really cold. How do you people walk on any surface?”

“…SHOES.” Gizzy said slowly.

“Right, that makes sense, now.” He nodded. “Those would help.”

“Oh you think this is weird, wait till you have to take a piss.” She huffed.

“I’m terrified to even look or process that right now. I’m still trying to handle having nips. I feel so naked.” He said as Nicole shook her head.

“Vinn, we’ve all been cloned before, you’ve been naked in front of everyone here. We all have…unfortunately.” She muttered.

“Yea but…I’m all shaved like some weirdo or a Homicideball streaker.”

“Vinn you are not hairless, you just have less than a Delmarian fur coat. This is normal for a human.”

“God this is trippy. You look huge.” He said as she gave him a look. “Not like fat, but you look tall now. Sorry. Honey, you look very slim and attractive and perfectly shaped and I am in no way complaining. I’m just not used to your head almost touching my beard.”

“I can boop your nose now while you’re standing up.” She grinned.

“Okay you two, stop being dorks and let Vinn get used to his new body. I’ve designed most of this team's nipples from scratch, trust me, I know what I’m doing.” Gizzy said as Nicole did mental math and pondered if she was doing that right.

“No wonder all Osirians are insane.” Vinn muttered “You go back and forth between 4 different bodies a day, different sizes and genders and you guys run multiple at once like this?”

“Yea. I run 3 back home every day unless one is down for repairs. Check in on surrogates and drones periodically. You’ll get used to it. You’re just shifting once and set that way for the one year mission, you’ll learn quickly.

“I may have a small panic attack just now realizing this is what you called a one year mission…and I can’t change this back, can I?” He sighed.

“Nope. Xanax?” she suggested.

“I need like 7.” Vinn assured.

“Not anymore you don’t, you need like 2. “You’re almost human. So next time you drink, do it slowly, if you kick back a full bottle of rum in 30 seconds you will be drunk as shit.”

“On one?” He marveled.

“It’s rum, Vinn…humans do shots of it like 2 ounces at a time.”

“I’ve seen you kill a bottle of rum in like 2 minutes and then weld before…in a human body.” He noted.

“I’ve been an alcoholic for 15,000 years, I have the edge here, don’t use me to measure off of, you’ll die. Anyway, due to medieval cultures tending to have, uh, well sexism honestly, we need a male team leader. Officially I’m in charge, clearly, but we have a stand in for public. Nicole, you’ll be my second in command when we’re not in a place where women don’t have rights. As for the male team leader…” Gizzy said as familiar footsteps approached. “Nathan Silverback Silverman.”

“HEY GUYS!! Haven’t seen you in forever.” He smiled, looking at Dee in amazement. “Wow, she was not joking. You look exactly like her, say for the robot eyes and not being on some random guy’s dick.” He said, leaning closer. “Fascinating, fully artificial life, advanced technology, alien mind…and my ex-girlfriend’s exact appearance.”

“Well she’s MY sexbot now. Get your own. They’re on sale with premium code ASSTASTIC at the moment.”

“After cheating on me with HYDE? No thanks. I’m over her. How are they doing, anyway? How is Hyde?”

“OH Hyde’s dead, he got electrocuted and drowned, and I took his head a trophy.”

“…HA!” Silverback laughed in a jolly burst. “Ah, sorry. That was rude.”

“No, we all feel that way. Dee is fine, she’s currently dating my son.”

“Well I WAS lying about being sorry, but I really am sorry now. Hope the upgraded version is better to you. Damn, it’s nice to see you kids again, even with Vinn lookin all weird.”

“Now if you all follow me, assuming you can all now walk again, step right up to my most brilliant latest creation. Welcome to the house of Gizzy. My humble castle.”

“It’s uh…Nicole squinted. “Less of a castle and more like a 3 story house. Also, why is there a house in the training room?”

“We’re taking this with us.” Gizzy yawned.

“Medieval flatbed truck not gonna draw attention?” Vinn asked.

“This roughly thousand square foot medieval home PLUS workshop, can reduce down to the size of a lunchbox to carry, as a highly advanced alternative to portable tents. I’m talking armored walls, gas fireplaces, and basic stealth, insulated and furnished, all the appearances of a medieval home, but with modern cheating and materials cleverly hidden. You could pop this bastard up in an open field, invite guests over, cook dinner, and they’d never know it wasn’t a standard home unless you used the wrong settings, and it self-cleans any bugs when you use it…mostly because it destabilizes organic matter when it size-shifts, so any food you leave in it when you compact it, is gone. Which is also why we will not be using the pocket horse stable. It was not…working right.”

“Aw.” Nicole pouted. “The horses!”

“Oh no the horses were fine, we tested it on dead livestock first.” She assured as Nicole sighed with relief and looked the other way at the house. Gizzy violently shook her head NO and made the cut-throat gesture to the others, mouthing the words “viscous liquid” and then returning abruptly to the tour. “Anyway it’s tested great otherwise, and in the short time frame we have, it’s as good as it gets. You could lay siege to this and repel an army. Or just let the army in, get out, compact it, and then…no more army, free weapons and armor…and unfortunately free viscous liquids... Which brings us to weapons and armor. Everyone, hold perfectly still.” She grinned, pressing a remote as the empty white area was hit with a gust of wind and a seemingly endless rack of weapons rushed by them, stopping at a smaller wooden rack of old-thyme weaponry.

“Matrix bit…Noice.” Vinn nodded

“Did you really have this made just for that? Seems expensive.” Nicole smirked.

“GOD, so expensive but worth it every time.” Gizzy sighed. “I have one for my sex house but with different weaponry. So here before you are a bunch of passably time period-ish weapons with really not time period cheats and advancements. You’re gonna love this. It’s like Willy Wonka’s candy room for murder and mayhem.”

“Wasn’t that room, itself, just a room of murder and mayhem?” Nicole noted.

“Huh…” Gizzy pondered. “Seems that way. But not everything here is edible. Very little of it, in fact. So…behold your highly specialized kits…

Vinn, as a barbarian warrior already, who favors a sword, you get…brace yourself for an absolute shock…a sword.”

“I’m, just rattled with shock.” Vinn dryly sighed.

“But because we’re cheating and giving an advantage by bullshitting magic with science, your sword is pretty special. It’s got a moveable weighted hollow core of ferrofluid, for speed mode and power mode, one button click and go, you’ll know what mode it in by the balance of it. It’s beefy and made of Xenthaloy so even you can’t break it, and it has fingerprint recognition scanner and a proximity reader for the chip’s implanted in all our wrists, so anyone who isn’t one of us tries to steal it, they get a warning siren and then a 30,000 volt electric shock. So if any of you at any point grab a weapon, and it makes a high pitch winding sound, drop it and try again. It’s pretty reliable, but weird shit can happen, so on the off chance it fucks up for some reason, you get a 3-second warning. That’s on most of your weapons, at least anything I could fit a defense shocker into. Sadly the glasses would need a roll of quarters-sized metal battery so they don’t have that, we’ll get to the glasses in a minute.

Nicole. Because you have literally no experience with killing or any useable weapons, we’re going different here. You already give off a witchy mage vibe with the lightly natural goth-look and the lizard eyes that turn black, so you get a witches staff."

“I get a stick?” she sighed looking cheated.

“A highly advanced stick. It has a forcefield shielding setting, a tube of stem cell healing injections, a concussion repulsor, please don not get that confused with the healing injections, it will be a whole shitstorm. REALLY pay attention to that. Now we have a fully holographic display to make it look like you’re waving around casting spells instead of a virtual touchscreen, and only you can see it because you will be using these glasses that also give the artifacts we need to collect, a green glow. Do not lose these glasses, we only have one spare, and they're mine, and I will be annoyed if we have to split them and have new glasses made with one different colored lens. It’s a recipe for migraines and it’s annoying, but these cost 32 million a pair and if we lose them and someone else finds them, we just fucked up the timeline by giving some random peasant the ability to see the items of fate. That’s a problem. Don’t lose your glasses. Now the Sciencemage Staff comes apart in the middle and becomes a cattle prod and a kinetic mace, and inside the cattle prod tube is a sword cane in case you just HAVE to start being lethal. It’s also purple, because you like purple. Dee’s glasses are built into her eyes, so that’s impossible to lose.”

“Why aren’t yours built in?” Nicole asked.

“Because then I can’t take one lens out if YOU lose yours, and also I look hot as hell with these glasses and it’s part of my whole vibe. Ask Dee…”

“Yes it is.” She smiled excitedly.

“Oh I’m never getting used to that.” Vinn whispered to Nicole, leaning down way too far because of the height difference he wasn’t used to.

“I know. I’m happy for them, but also…the fuck, and kinda gross? Right?” she muttered.

“Dee, you got a big, fat axe.” Gizzy blurted.

“HEY! I never heard you complain abo, oh…” she said as Gizzy handed her a custom double-sided war axe. Extra thicc.

“Your only true advantage in combat here is robotic brute force so your weapon is a gravity axe with advanced weight gaining properties. This way instead of needing training or skill, you can just throw around a lot of axe and really do damage from the sheer mass. It’s adjustable at the grip, so just firmly get your hands on it, pop and lock it, and you have all the extra heft you need to absolutely rock anyone.” She said as Vinn tried to act mature, smiling and holding it in.

"Now these crossbows everyone is getting are something special. I present to you the TCB7 Tactical CrossBow, 7 shot repeater, switchblade limbed bow... or Switchbow. Holds 8 crossbow bolts, gear assisted pump action draw, retractable stock, fully flat folding blued Damascus limbs with compound bow cams and steel cable strings. Everyone gets either this or the pistol version, and it’s so easy to use even Nicole can use one.”

“Hey!”

“All carbon nanotube reinforced cores, wood veneer outside, foldable fore-grip pump AND Ar15 style cocking lever, and a 600 pound assisted draw so it hits like a ballista, racks like a Mossberg 500 and basically looks and feels like a really sexy crossbow to the peasant observer. The pistol version is a 200 pound gear assisted draw, slide action only, and fires the smaller 6 inch bolts. Now I know what you’re thinking, the 6 inchers don’t penetrate like the big ten inchers, but it’s better than just using your hands in any situation, your choice in tan, or classic black. Vinn stop giggling. You are an adult.

The beauty of light weight, highly portable folding crossbows that deploy to ready in one button press like a damn switchblade medieval pump shotgun from hell, is that they can take regular crossbow arrows you can get made anywhere. No specialized ammo required, but we do have specialized ammo in stock for special occasions.

I of course will also be carrying a pair of custom swords, which I am very familiar with from millennia of use, Silverback has his custom retractable gold broadsword, twist the pommel 2 rotations, there it is, fully erect and everyone gets a backpack with survival stuff, water canteens with filter caps, emergency food pills for the rest of you, med kids that look like herbal shit, for those of you that smoke…some actual herbal shit, some bartering gems as currency, inflatable sleeping bag, one thermal grenade that looks like a potato with a suspiciously curly stem that you have to unscrew and REALLY pull to arm, DO NOT BOIL THIS! You have a tracking compass, it makes sense once you look at it. Universal lock-picks that go in your shoes.”

“I don’t know how to pick a lock though.” Nicole noted.

“It’s thermite. Trust me it will open most locks with no skills. Do not look directly at the lock-pick. Everyone has a basic throwing dagger and a pipe that works like a danger whistle if you blow in it…except mine, which is just an actual pipe.

You also will be printed off 2 outfits, color and details at personal preference, but they’re all made of a cut and heat-resistant waterproof fabric that acts like body armor. It won’t stop a falling boulder or armor piercing siege weapon, but it’s fairly tough shit for everyday wear, and it’s relatively comfortable.”

“Like some Incredible Supersuit?” Nicole asked.

“Not that comfortable, or light, that form fitting, or stretchy…come on people this isn’t marvel costumes, they’re every day medieval clothing with better armor than most human spec-ops gear. I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a scientist. Don’t try and superman an incoming dragon attack with these, but if you catch a stray arrow to the sternum, you’ll be good. There’s like 9 million bucks worth of clothing and weapons each here, what do you want from me?”

“Sorry.” She whispered. “OH SNAP, I get a witch hat!? I love this. What does this do?”

“Protects your head from sunlight and matched your dress.”

“Oh…Well it’s adorable.” She beamed.

“I’m kidding, it’s also bulletproof superfabric. So the objective here is simple. These parallel universes are not totally predictable, but we have a general reading from drones. We just collect magical items that are not supposed to be there, and destroy them, and don’t die in the process. Nicole’s staff regeneration shots are insanely good, but if you get eaten by something there’s no cloning you back, you just…die. Your counterpart at home will be fine, but the you here… is now nowhere. So don’t die. Otherwise, we just have to blend in, Vinn you’ve been quiet, and you got your hand up, what’s on your mind?”

“Isn’t collecting and destroying a bunch of magical artifacts radically altering their future?” he asked.

“Technically yes but in a good way. I don’t mean to be a negative influencer here, but these items get collected in the next hundred years and combined to summon a chaos god that engulfs and enslaves the planet, sooooo, yea we’re definitely ruining that future for them.”

“Why not take them back with us and use the power for something good?” Nicole asked, as Dee and Gizzy both got wide eyed and nervous.

“NO.”

“No.”

“Nope. Fuck that.”

“That’s not even…” Dee stammered. “Why do that?”

“Everyone, we’re not doing that even a little bit. Trust me, the, just…NO! We find them, we destroy them. Let the planet do its thing.” Gizzy said aggressively.

“Damn, okay fine. I was just asking.” Nicole sighed.

“That’s fine. Nothing wrong with asking, but also no, there are no negotiations on that specific point. Find, break, find more. Everyone get their things ready, at 08:00 hours we dial in the suspiciously Earthlike not-Earth planet on that console, the symbols light up and make a big energy bubble of shimmering blue floating liquid, we walk through that ring-shaped metallic stone gateway in a totally original looking manner, and we just pop out in Ye-olde Medieval thymes with modern weapons, and then speedrun this shit. Meanwhile, we have training videos, a pizza buffet, a holographic simulator for your weapons and all kinds of fun things to do before we go.” Gizzy smiled.

“Feels kinda rushed.” Vinn noted. “Feels kinda rushed for a mission so important, and then we’re just killing time randomly instead of extensive training.”

“Well we have a one-hour window every 17 months to use this thing, and the last thing I did took longer than expected, so sorry, but do whatever you gotta do to mentally and emotionally prep for a mission, and then be back here 10 minutes early or someone will find you. And then it’s…the adventure of a lifetime. Everything is over-planned and idiot-proofed and everything except the house has been tremendously over-tested for reliability and safety, so this should go rather smoothly and no reason we can’t have a great time in the process.” She shrugged. “It’s gonna be fun.”