ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!

Hazuki walked steadily, hands in his pockets, eyes half-lidded with his usual tired expression. Above him, Ridan floated in lazy spirals, occasionally glancing at the trees around them.

"Not too far now," Ridan said.

"You sure it's edible?" Hazuki asked, side-eyeing him without slowing his step.

"Hmm? Hey, come on, man. Would I find a poisonous fruit for my partner? We're 'teammates,' remember?"

"Yeah yeah... I just hope the fruit actually tastes good."

Ridan puffed out his chest.

"Believe me. This is me we're talkin' about. Ancient spirit, strongest wizard in history, master of knowledge, wisdom..."

"Master of ancient spells and magic..." Hazuki interrupted flatly, then added without missing a beat, "...who's also a pervert that loves boobs."

"Well… you know me," Ridan said proudly, spinning once in the air. "I'm a man of taste."

Hazuki snorted. "Yeah, yeah… Even furry beastkin girls are on your list, huh?"

He looked up at him, deadpan.

"Hey, it's all about proportions, my guy!" Ridan retorted. "Soft, plump, and full—those are the sacred elements!"

Hazuki gave him the flattest stare possible.

"You're impossible."

"And proud."

Hazuki kept following Ridan, brushing aside the occasional branch and tall weed until they reached a small clearing. One particular tree stood out—tall, old, and proud, with golden leaves swaying gently despite the still air. At its center, hanging low and within reach, were a few glowing white-yellow fruits shaped like oversized pears.

"Oh... this is beautiful," Hazuki muttered, eyes wide.

Without waiting, he reached up and casually plucked one.

"Oi! Wait—!" Ridan shouted, but it was too late.

Crunch.

Hazuki already bit into the glowing fruit, juice dribbling slightly from the corner of his mouth. "Mm! Man, this is good. It's sweet, but crunchy. Soft inside. Love the taste!" He took another big bite. "You sure it's not poisonous or anything?"

Ridan just floated there in silence, face blank, as Hazuki chomped down his second fruit.

Inside Ridan's mind:

What… the hell!?

This is... the Life Fruit. One of the rarest natural blessings in the world.

Can't be detected with advanced tracking spells, let alone basic ones—and even ancient magic fails to pinpoint its presence.

He floated closer, wide-eyed, staring at the tree, then at Hazuki who was now licking his fingers like he'd just finished eating fried chicken.

And this guy—this idiot—just walked up, plucked it like an apple, and devoured two in a row like he's eating from a street vendor stall!

Ridan's gaze narrowed as he studied the bark and aura of the tree, then peeked at Hazuki's status with a whisper spell.

Luck: [Average]

Average!? Are you kidding me!?

That fruit should rot instantly if someone pulls it wrong—even high-rank elves train for years to learn how to pick one without ruining it!

Yet here was this human… wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve and casually eyeing the third fruit.

"Ridan, can I take this one for later?"

"Just—just don't touch it anymore!" Ridan finally snapped. "You already upset the logic of this world enough for one day!"

Hazuki shrugged. "Tastes good."

What the hell is this guy...?

Ridan floated silently above the tree, eyes twitching as Hazuki gently placed a third glowing fruit into his worn leather side bag.

Then it happened again.

Hazuki reached up, touched another fruit—and the moment his fingers made contact, it glowed.

Not just the usual soft shimmer of the Life Fruit—this one pulsed. Responded.

It's… resonating?

Hazuki casually twisted it off the branch—no hesitation, no magic gloves, no mana suppression—and plucked it like someone picking a peach from a roadside tree. Then another one.

And just when Ridan thought the insanity couldn't get worse—

Hazuki clapped his hands together once in front of the tree.

"Thanks for the food."

Simple. Quiet. Honest.

Ridan just stared.

…This fruit is meant to be sealed inside a blessed wooden case with three layers of elemental reinforcement. Mana-infused gloves. A stabilization rune underfoot. Every kingdom treats it like holy relics. And this dumbass just bowed like it was a ramen shop.

Ridan floated downward slowly, still dazed.

The tree didn't reject him... no, it welcomed him. There's no rot. No aura backlash. No withering bark or broken cycle.

And not to mention… this Life Fruit extended the lifespan of whoever consumed it. Just one slice could go for a hundred gold coins at a royal auction.

The fruit was so rare, entire kingdoms, churches, and noble clans would spend fortunes hiring elite trackers, mana-sensitive harvesters, and specially trained handlers just to retrieve one safely.

One whole fruit could extend a person's life by thirty years.

And this human?

He just shoved two into his leather side bag, like he was collecting snacks.

And now he was casually munching on his fifth, juice running down his chin like it was an apple from a roadside cart.

To make things worse?

The Life Tree, one of the most temperamental, sentient magical trees in existence, was gently glowing around him—almost happily—as Hazuki leaned his back against its trunk, letting out a soft, satisfied sigh.

Ridan just floated in silence.

How!?

How was the tree not lashing out? Why wasn't the fruit rotting from improper storage? Why did it look like the tree itself was… blessing him?

"Ridan?"

"Huh?" Ridan blinked back to reality.

"What's with the silence?"

"Nothing... nothing. Just amazed by this fruit. The glow, the color… it's kinda pretty up close."

"You never ate one before?" Hazuki asked between chews, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

"Ah... no. This is my first time seeing it in front of me," Ridan replied, forcing a chuckle.

"Huh? You never saw it in your lifetime?" Hazuki tilted his head, genuinely confused.

"I've seen the fruit," Ridan answered, his tone casual. "But never the tree itself."

"Ohh... okay." Hazuki shrugged, took another bite, and then yawned.

"I think I'll rest a bit. It's cozy under this tree."

"Yeah… suit yourself," Ridan muttered, drifting higher into the air.

Ridan landed softly on the grass, his spirit form shimmering faintly as he floated just above the soil.

He glanced at Hazuki, who had sprawled himself under the glowing Life Tree, hands behind his head and a relaxed smile tugging at his lips.

The human yawned, turned on his side like a kid finding the perfect sleeping position, and mumbled,

"Ridan... I'm gonna sleep first. This place is too cozy, man."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Ridan muttered.

A gentle wind rustled the leaves above, and within seconds, Hazuki was fast asleep, his breathing steady.

Ridan hovered silently, eyes narrowing.

Just how... does this guy always find the coziest damn spot in the most dangerous places?

Then—

Crunch.

A soft footstep on the grass.

Ridan whipped around mid-air—only for two shadows to step out of the forest edge.

"No, no, no, not again!" Ridan tried to dart skyward—

WHOMP.

One hand caught him like a dodgeball mid-flight.

"Gotcha!!"

"Eeeeeppp!! Not again! I'm not a ball, dammit!!" Ridan's misty body flailed, limbs wobbling like jelly.

"No use running, Ridan," the taller man said with a calm voice that echoed like a whisper in a canyon. "Unless you want to be sealed again. Forever."

"Eeeekkkk!!! Noooo!! I won't run! Promise I won't run!!" Ridan squeaked. "I'm good! I'm listening!"

The shorter of the two—the one with the lazy grin and that always-too-casual tone—leaned down, fingers behind his back.

"Good. Now listen carefully."

Ridan floated in place, arms crossed, pretending to look innocent while clearly sweating spiritual bullets.

"Since this human," the man said, gesturing toward Hazuki, "has already completed the first special herb quest, and will soon deliver the second one..."

He stepped closer, eyes narrowing with calm seriousness.

"We need you to guide him to the location of the Fire Grun Herb next."

Ridan blinked. "Eerrrr... why the Fire Grun Herb now? That place is nasty."

The lazy-eyed man stopped smiling.

"Don't ask questions. Just do it."

"Ughhhh..." Ridan groaned and floated lower in defeat. "You two always give me so much trouble..."

He glanced back at Hazuki, who was now hugging a small stone like it was a pillow, snoring softly.

Ridan pointed back at the tree.

"Wait... don't tell me this Life Tree, this Life Fruit he just ate five of… this is you two's doing!?"

The serious one shook his head.

"No," he said plainly. "We don't have that kind of power."

The other one chuckled.

"And you know that, Ridan."

Ridan gulped hard, floating uneasily in place.

"S-So then… if it's not you two… who the hell made the Life Tree appear here?"

The two mysterious men—beings who always acted like they knew everything—suddenly stiffened.

One rubbed the back of his neck.

The other looked away, whistling like he heard nothing.

Ridan squinted. "Oi... why are you two sweating?"

The lazy-eyed one chuckled nervously. "Ehehe… maybe we better not ask who did it, Ridan."

"Yeah," the taller one added quickly, his voice suddenly low. "If he gets mad…"

They both shivered in unison.

Ridan's ghostly jaw dropped. "…Wait....."

"Oo-oo-okay! I won't ask! Not asking! Never heard of it! Never saw it! Just a normal glowing fruit tree, yep!"

He zipped backward a few feet, holding up both hands. "Didn't see anything. Just a sleepy human and a tree with good air!"

"Good," the tall one said with a smirk.

"And remember," the other added, tone light but eyes sharp, "Fire Grun Herb. That's the next stop. Guide him right."

"Yes, sir! Absolutely!" Ridan saluted awkwardly. "I'll take him. Definitely. Totally casual, nothing suspicious!"

They both vanished in a blink.

Ridan slowly floated down next to the still-snoring Hazuki, who muttered something about "bride heels" in his sleep.

"what mess did I just get myself into again?"

( End Of Chapter )