I Start with a Bad Hand!

In the somewhat awkward atmosphere, I found myself staring down at the teacup in front of me. Though it was still early to be drinking tea, I didn’t want to refuse Baron Degoph’s invitation to come in and warm up.

‘Of all times to run into the Baron.’

Beneath the rising steam, the dark tea was so opaque that I couldn’t see the bottom. An indescribable sense of self-reproach welled up inside me.

I had never been the type of child to cause my parents to apologize to anyone. While it wasn’t something I took pride in, I at least maintained a sense of propriety. Yet, this vacation alone had forced the Baron to bow his head twice because of me.

‘All because of me…’

After that, I couldn’t recall how I made my way back to the castle. Once again, Baron Degoph apologized to Cedric on my behalf, and I could only watch helplessly.

While the water boiled and the tea steeped, the Baron didn’t say anything to me, not even when he handed me the teacup. But he was the kind of adult who could start a conversation in such a situation.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I’m sorry.”

“…From where did you hear?”

There was a sharp edge to my tone. As I involuntarily shrank back from that sharpness, the Baron hesitated briefly before standing up and draping the blanket near the fireplace over me. The fabric, now warm, felt comforting.

“You don’t want to stay in the capital and wish to return to Heylem immediately after graduation.”

I couldn’t say anything to Baron Degoph, who had kindly wrapped my rather crude words in a refined manner. How could I manage this situation without hurting his feelings? After a long consideration, I finally spoke.

“I’m sorry. What I said earlier, that is,”

Seeing me struggle to continue, unable to outright call it a sewer, Baron Degoph slowly opened his mouth.

“I didn’t bring this up to hear an apology. I’m just curious if that’s truly what you want.”

“…What?”

“I want to know if your plan to come back here right after graduation and never return to the capital comes purely from your own will.”

I looked away from the teacup and faced the Baron. There wasn’t the slightest hint of reproach on his gentle face.

“That… is,”

“Do you think it’s your duty to repay us for taking you in?”

Silence followed the question I couldn’t answer. As the Baron added more logs to the fireplace, now almost completely burned to ashes, he broke the quiet.

“When you said you wanted to leave the small room, venture beyond the territory, and attend the academy in the capital, we—I was genuinely happy. How could we confine someone like you back here?”

As he placed each log, an inexplicable warmth spread through the small kitchen.

“You’re welcome to come back and manage the estate if that’s what you want. But if you’re staying out of a sense of debt or guilt, I want to tell you not to.”

“…I never felt that way.”

At my small protest, Baron Degoph chuckled softly. It was a laugh that lightened the heavy feeling blocking my heart.

“I’m not dismissing your desire to take care of this place. We just hope that it doesn’t become the reason you feel tethered here.”

You’ve always been brilliant, and we know you’ll do well wherever you go. It’s not about doubting your abilities. But…

The Baron, having said that much, crouched down in front of me and looked me in the eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his eyes were a warm olive color.

“The world is vast. See, learn, enjoy as much as you want, and then come back. It’s okay to fail, and it’s okay to run back whenever you want. We are here to be your safe haven.”

Of course, if you never want to return, that’s fine too, as long as you’re happy. It doesn’t matter where you are if you’re happy.

I leaned on the Baron’s shoulder, not wanting to show my face. He quietly offered his shoulder and gently patted my back with his warm hand. My eyes grew hot, but I couldn’t understand why.

Was it because I heard words I had never heard from my parents? Or was it out of guilt for the person who should have heard these words? Or perhaps it was sorrow for those who would have to let go of their child with these feelings buried inside.

Entangled in complex emotions, I leaned on his shoulder for a long time and cried until those feelings untangled.

***

“It’s a shame you have to leave already.”

Half-leaning out of the carriage, Agnes tugged at my sleeve as she spoke. I tied her scarf neatly and replied.

“We’ll see each other soon. It’s only a little over a month until we go back to the academy.”

“How can a month and a half be soon?”

“It’s dangerous to lean out the window like that.”

As Agnes grumbled, Irene walked over to the carriage. Just like when she first arrived, Irene lightly hugged me and whispered.

“…I’ll send a letter once Usher’s fate regarding the young master is decided.”

With the promise to keep me updated on the news I was curious about. I just smiled. Before I knew it, Irene’s brother also approached. Like when he first arrived, he extended his hand to me with a smile.

“Thank you for inviting me. It’s been a long time since I had such fun.”

So much so that I’d like to see other seasons here. I smiled again at his words. There would be no reason to invite these friends back to this estate.

Leaving behind short complaints and regrets, they hurriedly left Heylem before another snowstorm hit.

The castle, once filled with everyone’s laughter and voices, now felt even more desolate, almost melancholic. Even Sara commented, “After being so busy for a while, it feels even lonelier now that your friends have left, miss.”

During that time, I mostly lay in bed. Occasionally, I read a little or went for a walk, but mostly I lay down. It was because I felt an overwhelming fatigue that made it impossible to keep my eyes open.

Once, when I didn’t get up until well past noon, the Baron and Baroness Degoph expressed their concern, and I made up an excuse.

“I didn’t get much sleep while at the academy, so I’m trying to catch up now.”

They didn’t seem completely reassured, but anyway, I slept for a long time.

What woke me from my long sleep was a pain that hit like a car accident.

***

“…Huff!”

At first, I thought I was imagining it. In the middle of the night, I felt as if the ceiling had suddenly collapsed and something heavy was crushing me. Overwhelmed by a strong, suffocating energy, I rolled out of bed and retched on an empty stomach.

“Ugh…”

My head throbbed, and every joint in my body ached. How could such pain exist in this world?

‘What’s happening? Is it an earthquake?’

Drenched in sweat, I lay sprawled on the floor, looking around. The ceiling above and the walls around the room were perfectly intact. The only evidence of the pain I had experienced was the cold, damp feeling of my pajamas.

‘Was it a dream?’

Could a dream feel this vividly painful? I had never experienced such pain before, and I couldn’t get up from the floor for a long time. It took me over an hour to finally crawl back into bed.

But from that day on, the pain came back repeatedly. Whether I was eating, walking, or chopping wood, the pain would suddenly strike like a heavy piece of concrete falling on me, or like being pressed in a hydraulic press, or like my body was being squeezed in a juicer. The pain would come unexpectedly and disappear quickly.

“More painkillers?”

“…Maybe it’s because I’m not used to the cold after being in the capital for so long. I’ve been having headaches. Don’t worry too much.”

However, the persistent pain felt like it was piercing my brain, leaving my body trembling even when I wasn’t in pain. Sometimes, the pain was so severe that it was hard to breathe.

I took the painkillers the butler handed me and immersed myself in the bathwater that had been prepared. Unable to tell the truth, I had made up an excuse, and the butler had quickly prepared warm water for me.

It was then that I finally understood the reason for the pain. The bruises, which I hadn’t been consciously aware of, had now grown to cover half of my body. Before, even though I had seen the bruises, I hadn’t connected them to my pain.

‘This is the pain Dietrich experienced during ‘that time’.’

Surprisingly, I felt calm. Now that I knew the reason, it was bearable, except for the uncertainty of when the pain would strike. At least I didn’t have to wonder ‘why’ anymore. I had been crushed by so many ‘whys’ since coming here that I didn’t want to ask any more questions.

‘I must never die by falling off something.’

The pain was worse than I thought. It made me want to live. As I thought this absurd thought, I was oddly grateful that what I was experiencing was only bruises and pain.

Bruises and pain. They weren’t enough to disrupt daily life completely. If I had to live with broken bones or a cracked skull, reflecting Dietrich’s condition at that time, it would interfere with my plans.

‘In any case… I’m glad. It’s still bearable.’

Holding my breath, I slid into the bathwater.

Two unresolved matters lingered in this body. I stayed underwater until I couldn’t tell if the suffocating feeling was from lack of air or something else.

After that, I rarely left my room. My daily life was completely disrupted. I didn’t want to collapse in front of everyone. As a result, I often stayed in my room.

Many stifling days passed. Late one night, as I was heading down the stairs to get a drink of water, I saw the butler, August, with a serious expression, cautiously parting the curtains and looking outside.

“…August?”

“Miss?”

At my call, August turned around, then quickly glanced back out the window with a serious look and whispered.

“Miss, don’t come downstairs.”

His grave expression made me hesitate.

“What… is going on?”

At my question, August quickly approached and whispered to me. His unexpected whisper made me look at him with surprise.

“It seems a bear has appeared.”

“A bear?”

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at his serious expression. A bear? Really?

‘This estate really is going through everything.’

Admiring the wonders of Heylem’s nature, which offered every conceivable experience in the snowy mountains, I suddenly had a question.

“…Isn’t it hibernation season?”

“Yes, exactly. Even if it weren’t, it’s unusual for a bear to come down to inhabited areas.”

We should inform the Baron before it descends to the village and harms the villagers. If it woke up suddenly, it would be hungry and might attack people. August added with a serious face and then hurried off. Taking advantage of the moment, I cautiously approached the window he had been peering through behind the curtains.

Through the window, I saw a massive figure gradually making its way toward us. The darkness made it difficult to see clearly, so I pressed my face closer to the frosty glass, squinting.

‘Is it really… a bear?’

The creature, cloaked in black fur, intermittently revealed itself in the moonlight. Holding my breath, I watched it come closer. When I finally identified it, I couldn’t help but let out a short, incredulous laugh. I called out quietly to August, who was hurrying to wake Baron Degoph.

“August.”

“…Yes?”

“There’s no need to tell Father. It’s not a bear.”

What on earth is he thinking, coming here at this hour? My heart began to beat a little faster. It was a different feeling from holding my breath underwater; my heart felt tight.

I found myself standing at the door, listening to the urgent knocking. I placed my hand on the doorknob. August’s face had gone pale.

“Miss, I told you not to come down…. Please step back!”

The thick door was being knocked on more urgently now. I began to wonder if I should really open the door.

August, still looking ashen, tumbled down the stairs. Pressing my back against the door, I murmured to reassure him.

“It’s a person.”

“…What?”

I recalled the figure I had seen stumbling toward us from the window. The person, cloaked in black fur, had walked through the shadows and moonlight, drawing closer to the castle. Under the moonlight, their hair glinted with a golden hue.

“It’s someone I know.”