I Start with a Bad Hand!

I took one step closer to Logan. The sound of swallowing echoed uncomfortably.

“But… is it really okay? I made mistakes with you.”

“Mistakes?”

“Ah, yes. I mean, pretending not to know you, and also…”

Logan’s lips twisted as he rambled on, and watching them, I felt a somewhat inhuman urge to glue them shut.

“Yes. I hated you. Because you pretended not to know me.”

“I thought so…”

“But… there’s nothing we can do about it. The one with the bigger heart loses.”

I never thought I’d say such things in my life. This is why you should live a short life. The longer you live, the more strange things you do and see. If you don’t want to live disgracefully, dying young isn’t so bad. However, Logan didn’t seem to notice my feelings, and responded with an intensely thoughtful gaze as if to ask why I was bringing this up.

“Then I feel really sorry…”

Despite saying that, Logan’s face was flushed, and he answered with a stupid look on his face. Standing beside him, I looked at his profile because looking at him head-on caused a physiological aversion.

Like a dealer telling someone to place their bets, I slowly opened my mouth.

“But if you really want to make up for that small mistake… Could you come to Heylem this winter break? In the way you once knocked on my window.”

Then I think I can completely go back to how things were with you.

At those words, Logan nodded. Then, he whispered to me, drawing closer, as if he was sharing a secret with Dietrich, revealing something confidential.

“As always. At 8:30 in the evening when the butler inspects the mansion?”

“Yes, as always.”

I smiled.

***

“You, you… remembered everything?”

“Of course, I remember. It was my leg that was hurt, why does everyone think my head was damaged too?”

Logan’s face flushed with betrayal, turned bright red. Then, Logan unexpectedly blurted out,

“Is it because of what happened back then?”

“What?”

“Yes, I did push you, but I didn’t push you down the stairs. You know that. If only you hadn’t slipped,” Logan said, and I pulled the bandage in my hand tighter. A scream erupted once more. I didn’t intend for it to go this far, but hearing something I didn’t know made me exert more force than I initially planned. I thought he had just left Dietrich to fall, but he had actually pushed him.

“Don’t scream. If you want to walk out of here even on one leg.”

“Hey, hey, hey! I am a member of the Viscount’s house…”

“You know that when the blizzard stops, the Marquis’s house will send an official letter. But what can you do? I have my memory back now, and I’m going to tell them you pushed me down the stairs.”

Logan’s face turned ghostly white at those words. Seeing that face, my emotions, no, the emotions that ‘flooded’ me… were sorrowful.

“Impressive, Logan. Not only did you think of harming that kid in Baron Degoph’s territory, but now you even plan to intrude into that room.”

Logan’s voice, gaze, and lips were trembling pathetically. The only feeling I should have had seeing this would have been triumph, but the emotion that surged now belonged to the original owner of this body.

“Do you think… sniff… I’ll stay silent? And who do you think will believe your crazy nonsense?”

“I know.”

I answered calmly.

“That’s why you left me alone back then.”

“W-What?”

“You knew no one would believe the truth if I told it. An incident with no witnesses, and the protest of a Baron who had just inherited his title would not be taken seriously.”

Logan must have known this, as did I, and probably Dietrich too. How did Dietrich feel, knowing he was defeated even without a fight? And knowing that countless such defeats awaited him in the future?

I released the bandage in my hand. Logan’s body, which had been pulled taut, collapsed limply.

It was the same at the academy. Even if I made a fuss about what Logan did to Dietrich, I knew it wouldn’t cause much of a stir. It was obvious. The incident happened long before we entered the academy, with no witnesses or evidence.

‘I only just found out that Logan wasn’t just neglecting Dietrich when she slipped but was the one who pushed her down the stairs.’

Who would care if I made a fuss about it now? Besides, there were many people in the academy who would support Logan. More people would side with him out of reasonable doubt rather than unconditionally supporting me in an incident lacking evidence.

‘If it goes that way, what happened to Dietrich will just be glossed over, and Logan will live with that day’s incident buried as an unfortunate accident.’

Lucky Logan. He will keep slipping through situations like an eel. No matter how much the Usher Viscount’s family loves Logan, they won’t care more about the daughter of a lowly Baron than their own child. In a losing battle, I needed to bring Logan to my home ground. Even if just for a moment, I needed to gain a slight advantage.

That’s why I asked Baron Degoph to change the room I had been using to a guest room. I instructed the butler to clean up the ivy that had grown thick again. That way, Logan would have no choice but to climb up the exposed bricks of the outer wall. But I didn’t want to make it impossible for him to climb up. I told the gardener to remove the old moss as well.

‘That should make it easier to slip.’

Whether he was startled and pushed off or lost his grip in mid-air, there would be nothing to grab onto. Logan could come at any time, but I had to be in Irene’s room at the appointed time.

‘I didn’t want to leave Irene alone in that room, especially if Logan might really come.’

However, there was no guarantee that Logan would come to Heylem as I wished, nor that he would climb into the room as he had done before. But fortunately, the members of the royal family seemed to have sufficiently stimulated Logan’s vanity.

He felt connected to a girl who shared personal stories with the royal family. A girl who ‘really’ liked him.

Perhaps it was Logan’s vanity and foolishness that helped my gamble succeed.

“But the fact remains that you climbed that wall, and that room was meant for a girl to stay in, regardless of who she was.”

“If you hadn’t invited me, I wouldn’t have broken my leg like this!”

By then, my emotions overpowered Dietrich’s sadness. Would it have been better if Logan had simply apologized, begged for forgiveness in a pitiful manner? Even at this stage, I couldn’t stand the sight of Logan, still whimpering like a crazed colt. I had encountered too many worthless humans to let the feeling of being wronged by one weigh me down any longer.

I grabbed Logan by the collar. A choking sound emerged from his dry throat.

“No, Logan. This is all your fault. It was your fault for climbing up that wall, thinking it was a good idea. It was your fault for falling and breaking your leg. It’s your fault for not reflecting on any of it, and for provoking your senior’s anger to the end.”

Watching Logan’s gasping mouth, I released his collar. The smell from his dry throat was revolting.

“So keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life.”

Well, even if you do speak, I doubt anyone will believe you. I tossed the bandage I had brought with me to Logan and said,

“You should hope the blizzard stops by tomorrow.”

“…What?”

“There are limits to what the priests can heal. So…”

I stopped there. Instead, I pulled out the wet cloth I had brought.

“W-What are you talking about? Dietrich, finish what you were saying!”

“The Viscount Usher won’t call you back to the capital anymore.”

“Diet… Dietrich!”

Leaving Logan’s anguished cries behind, I closed the door. Wounds that the priests couldn’t heal…

“How would I know that?”

Through the door, I heard the long sobs. In the dark room, Logan cried alone, without anyone to console him.

But perhaps once in his life, Logan should experience utter despair. He should know what it feels like to have no one believe him, to have no one listen to him. 

That evening, with a rough cough, blood poured out. This time, I wasn’t surprised. Instead, I felt a sense of relief as the soft sensation rolled around in my mouth after the harsh hemoptysis. At least now, it wasn’t Dietrich’s lingering regret. That was enough.

I quietly opened the window. With a spit, a black bead fell into the snow.

A few drops of blood landed on it, but who cares? It would soon be buried beneath the snow and disappear.