Heaven's Most Unwanted: A Cultivator's Comedic Rise

Shen Yuan was flying.

Not of his own will, or because he'd achieved a higher realm of cultivation. No, he was flying because a star-eyed cultivator woman had just flung him through three pillars, a wall, and what might have been a sacred mural of someone's grandfather.

He hit the ground with a loud grunt, dust billowing around him like dramatic stage fog.

"Okay," he wheezed. "Let's all agree that talking first and throwing second should be the law."

The woman stepped out of the starlight portal, her white robes shimmering with celestial light. Her gaze was piercing, sharp enough to slice through a mountain, and currently locked on Shen Yuan like he had just insulted her great-aunt.

"You are not worthy of that scroll," she said.

Zap-Chan crackled with electricity beside him and puffed up, clearly offended.

"Rude," Shen Yuan coughed, trying to stand upright. "I worked very hard to almost die in there."

The woman pointed her finger at him. Shen Yuan could feel the pressure in the air tighten, like the sky itself had taken a breath and wasn't letting it go.

"I am Celestial Emissary Yan Lian," she declared. "Chosen by the Heavenly Court to guard the Sealed Legacies. That scroll is not for mortals like you."

The system chimed quietly.

Emergency Quest Initiated: Do Not Die

Objective: Stay alive for five minutes until escape portal activates

Suggested Actions: Dodge, lie, stall, make her laugh, or all of the above

Shen Yuan paled. "Only five minutes, huh? I can die in two if she keeps pointing like that."

Yan Lian stepped forward. "Return the scroll, or be cleansed by divine judgment."

Shen Yuan lifted his hands. "Look, I didn't know it was yours. I thought it was a free trial. You know, sample before you buy."

She didn't laugh. Not even a twitch of the lip.

He glanced at Zap-Chan, who made a nervous squeak and began glowing again.

Shen Yuan took a deep breath and did the only thing he could think of.

He bowed deeply and said, "Oh great emissary, I humbly accept your punishment, but before you end my existence, could I offer you something?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What?"

He reached into his robe, produced the enchanted rubber chicken from earlier, and held it out solemnly.

"It squeaks when you squeeze it."

There was a silence so profound it echoed.

Zap-Chan stared at him in horror.

Yan Lian blinked.

Shen Yuan squeaked the chicken once.

The sound bounced off the temple walls like a divine fart.

For a heartbeat, nothing happened.

Then a vein popped in Yan Lian's forehead.

"You dare mock the divine court?"

"No, no," Shen Yuan said quickly. "This is actually a sacred totem. It has… uh… anti-arrogance properties. Very rare. Only appears to those who take themselves a little too seriously."

She pointed at him again. A massive spear of starlight formed above her.

"Zap-Chan!" Shen Yuan shouted, grabbing the bird and sprinting in a very serpentine fashion. "Distraction maneuver Delta-B!"

Zap-Chan flared with lightning, zoomed up, and flashed like a living thunderbolt. The starlight spear missed them by inches, exploding against the floor in a dazzling burst.

The temple groaned.

Cracks spread through the walls and floor.

Shen Yuan winced. "You're going to bring the whole place down! I thought immortals were supposed to be graceful."

"You are a thief of sacred knowledge," Yan Lian said, now flying after him. "There is no forgiveness for defiling the Temple of Comedy Divine."

"I am the comedy!" Shen Yuan yelled back, dodging another blast of light that turned a statue into molten pudding.

The system chimed again.

Escape Portal Charging: 40%

Time Remaining: 3 minutes

Shen Yuan dove behind a floating bookshelf.

Zap-Chan landed beside him, puffing and sparking.

"What do we do?" he whispered.

Zap-Chan whistled and motioned toward the ceiling.

Shen Yuan peeked out.

Yan Lian floated high above, channeling a celestial domain. A halo of stars spun behind her. Her next attack was not going to miss.

He groaned. "Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out loud."

He leaped up and began yelling.

"I may be weak! I may be mortal! I may be a man whose signature move involves poultry!"

Zap-Chan squawked in encouragement.

"But I have faced lightning. I have faced mirror versions of myself. I have faced a sect full of grumpy cultivators who think fried tofu is a crime against humanity!"

Yan Lian raised her hand.

"And I," Shen Yuan continued, "have something none of you divine immortals do!"

Her palm glowed.

He grinned and shouted, "Comic timing!"

Right then, a trap tile beneath her activated. Zap-Chan had triggered it with a tiny shock. A hidden array lit up.

Suddenly, the halo of stars behind Yan Lian collapsed inward and turned her midair pose into a spinning tumble. She crashed through a marble column, arms flailing.

Shen Yuan stared in shock. "That… worked?"

The system pinged cheerfully.

Trap Array: Slapstick Sect's Legacy Tile activated

Yan Lian groaned from a pile of rubble, struggling to rise.

The system added another message.

Escape Portal: 99% charged

Shen Yuan looked at the burning ruins of the temple and the injured celestial emissary.

"This is the part where I run, right?"

"Portal ready," the system intoned.

A golden doorway appeared behind him.

Yan Lian rose with fury in her eyes.

"You will regret this, mortal!"

"I usually regret everything by breakfast," Shen Yuan called as he sprinted toward the light. "Get in line!"

He and Zap-Chan jumped through just as a final starlight beam slammed into the floor behind them.

The temple vanished.

They landed in a field of golden grass beneath a pale pink sky. Shen Yuan coughed and rolled over.

"Well," he said, lying on his back. "That went better than expected."

Zap-Chan landed on his chest and chirped.

The system chimed again.

Congratulations. You survived Celestial Pursuit.

Reward: +1 Hidden Title "Divine Annoyance"

Unlocked Map Node: Temple of the Unheard Howl

Warning: Celestial Emissary Yan Lian has marked you for divine observation

Shen Yuan sighed. "Of course she did."

He closed his eyes for a moment.

Then a strange howl echoed in the distance.

He sat up slowly.

The grass around them shifted. A tall structure loomed on the horizon, carved from obsidian and bone, howling wind circling its spires.

Zap-Chan squawked nervously.

The system chimed again.

Next Destination: Temple of the Unheard Howl

Estimated Danger Level: Extremely Funny and Also Potentially Fatal

Would you like to proceed?

Shen Yuan stood, dusted himself off, and took one last look at the peaceful field.

"Let's go make some noise."