Harry Potter: Cursed Harem King

I don't know how the riot police bash bandits' faces into the floor, but I reckon I hit 'em just as hard. All 'cause of that bloody tree branch that knocked my arms out of whack when I was just shy of the ground. That's how I smashed into 'em, didn't even have time to stick my hands out front.

On the flip side, if it weren't for that branch, I'd have fallen faster. It slowed me down a bit. First take? Lucky I didn't break nothing. Just my face hurt like hell. Smelled like fresh grass, though. Didn't get to enjoy it long—let out a loud huff, propped myself up. Wanted to stand, but nah, forgot that bit. Ended up plonking down on my arse, rubbed my face, and looked around.

View was ace: low mountains and forests all decked in emerald green. Sat smack in a clearing, trees all round me. Liked the smell straight off. God didn't chuck me somewhere too crap. Something sweet in the air, but I couldn't place it at first. Started eyeing the trees proper, and there they were—apple trees, loaded with ripe, juicy red apples. How's a bloke supposed to resist?

Course, I shot up, shook myself off, and was about to nab an apple when this tatty old scrap of paper fell out my trouser pocket.

"What's this then?"

Bent down, snatched it up. Written dead clear.

"God's servant Boggs, want my forgiveness and a better life? Here's your job. Save the elven princess—I'll bless you. I'll point the way. Watching you always. 

Date. Signature. Supreme."

"Well, well," I muttered. "He shafted me, and now I'm meant to beg forgiveness and save some princess? If he'd thrown in a kingdom and her hand, I'd bite. This? Shove it."

Stuffed the paper back in my pocket, just in case, and clocked my gear. Ain't the sharp suit from up there no more. Now it's knackered boots, trousers too big with a rope for a belt, and a shirt that's seen better days. Looked less like a village lad, more like a tramp straight off the rubbish heap. Least I didn't stink—small mercies. Right, time to settle in. Need to figure this world out, what's what. Elves about, what with princess talk. Means orcs and that lot are knocking around too.

No messing, I grabbed an apple, rubbed it, gave it a sniff. Smelled normal enough. Took a bite—sweet, juicy, bang on. Stomach growled, yelling for more.

Ate it—nah, scarfed it—bloody quick, grabbed another. Just as I went for a chomp, my gut rumbled again. Not in a good way this time. Oh, you traitor, stomach. Everything twisted up, and down below, it was fighting to burst out.

No time to think—whipped off my trousers, squatted right there. Never been so mortified in my life. Proper gutting: all this brown muck under a cracking apple tree. Reckon I won't be eating here again. Supreme's doing, bet you! Poisoned the apples on purpose so I can't even have a bite!

Kept squatting, waiting for the storm to pass. Trip to this new world's off to a rotten start, ain't it? Oh well, we'll muddle through!

Leaves rustled. Snapped my head toward the noise. Too late.

Out from the thicket, down a barely-trod path, stepped a girl. Big ears. Proper cat girl, tail and all. Black straight hair, all tangled—she smoothed it out. Big brown eyes, deep as anything. White T-shirt, green skirt above the knees, black stockings on decent legs. Tail had a turquoise bow, topping off this cracking big-eared stranger.

So there she is, all stunning, popping out the bushes, and here's me, shitting under an apple tree. Still clutching an apple I hadn't chucked. Funny as hell, sure, but you don't greet girls—cat ones especially—like this.

She yelped when she clocked me. I ditched the apple, waved, grinned with all thirty-two teeth, and shouted, "Hi! Sorry, bit awkward! Nearly done, don't leg it!"

She pulled a face, covered her nose, turned away. Muttered loud enough, "Shameful! Under the sacred apple tree! And he picked apples!"

"Don't curse me out," I said, feeling lighter. "Be with you in a sec."

Didn't need to think what to wipe with. Supreme's fancy quest note—save the princess—was perfect. Ain't saving no one, but cheers for the paper, God.

"What's up, kitty? Show us your face," I said, strolling over, tapping her shoulder.

She spun round, nearly pressed her chest into me. Hadn't clocked from afar—third size at least. Don't get the sizing malarkey, long as they're decent.

"Ugh, stinks even here!" she huffed. Voice was sweet, easy on the ears. "Or did you crap your trousers?"

Couldn't answer straight off. Too much happening, who knows?

Scratched my arse just in case, checking. What if I did need to wash 'em? Nah, all clear.

"Nope, you're off," I grinned. "Since we've met like this, it's fate. I'm Harry, here to conquer this world. Also after a harem. Fancy being first?" I winked.

"Big deal," she snorted. "I'm Maya. Another time traveler, eh? You two get on my wick. Just landed?"

"What's that? Thought I'd be the chosen one, only human, all that jazz. You should've gasped at me. But nah, rubbish start. Yeah, just got here. All your apple trees like this, or am I cursed?"

"Let's scarper. Ain't sniffing this no more."

Proper delicate. Had to nod.

We headed deeper into the forest—prettier than the edge. Bugs, spiders, butterflies, birds. Flowers. Proper lush!

Trailing Maya, couldn't resist—grabbed her tail swinging side to side. Had to know. Like a cat's, just bigger. Soft fur, nice to touch.

"Don't grab my tail!"

"So what?"

"Or… I'll scream!" She faltered. "They'll come beat you!"

"Oh yeah? More cats like you? Let me at your ears."

She stopped, turned. Nearly crashed into her.

"Well?"

"Nothing! Stopping here."

She sat on the grass. I followed.

"Behave, and I'll help you settle in this world," Maya kicked off. "Don't, and you're on your own. Don't care what happens."

"Fair enough. What's with the apple trees?"

"Sacred. Eat one, get cursed with the runs."

"So that's it. Sinned against God already."

"Which god sent you?"

"Supreme. Kicked me in the arse, the git."

"You pissed him off."

"Who pissed off who!"

"Right, then. What's your plan?"

"Listen to you. Need to know this world."

"World of Continents."

"That's its name?"

"Yeah. Loads of species, races, each on their own continent. Wars sometimes. Ain't always peaceful."

"So I'm on the cat continent."

"Spot on. Lucky you didn't land with orcs, icemen, demons, or worse. We're mostly chill."

"Lots of folk here, then. Alright. Where you coming from? Or going?"

"Visited my gran. Heading back to the village."

"Like Little Red Riding Hood."

"Who?"

"Won't get it. Fairy tale from my world. So? I'll tag along. Could be useful in your village, need somewhere to crash."

"Yeah, you can. Just don't blab about the apple tree, or they'll boot you. I'll keep shtum too, cover you."

Slung my arm round her shoulder, gave her a shake. "Sharp lass! Knew you were sound."

After that, got serious. Felt some weird, almost magic warmth off Maya. Her smell hooked me too—way too much. Gave me a stiffy out of nowhere. Maybe a nudge from some god up there? Not all of 'em hate me, surely.

"Let's go." She slid my arm off, stood up slick.

"Here's the thing… You go, I'll catch up."

"What's up?"

"Too good being near you, that's what."

She chuckled. "Yeah, I know the effect. Fine, won't shame you. Catch up."

Off she went down the path.

Didn't mind her knowing I was hard. So what? Alone in the woods, no bother. What bugged me was my trousers poking out too little. Had to check below the belt. Last life, no issues, no hang-ups.

Soon as she was off, yanked my trousers down and saw it…

"Supreme! What for?! You absolute sod!"

Couldn't stop yelling through the whole damn forest…

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