Gacha Gacha Hero

Someone pulled the bags off of Luke and Ted's heads.

“Welcome to the Chapel of Divine Inspiration!”

“Oh, hello again Mr Homage.” said Luke. He looked around. “Is this a shaved ice stand?”

Luke and Ted were tied to two wooden chairs in the back of a storage locker. The locker was filled with large blocks of ice. Canisters of sugar water and food coloring were stacked up on a shelf by the entrance. Luke tilted his head. He could see the front counter of the shaved ice stand where a person in a bear costume served cones of shaved ice to smiling tourists.

Gilt Homage was posing in front of them. He was dressed the same as last time except he now had a large apron worn over his clothes. The front of the apron was decorated with a smiling polar bear holding a snow cone and giving a thumbs up.

Gilt cleared his throat. His breath came out in little frozen clouds. “This is a temporary accommodation. Divine gifts take on many forms. Sometimes one has to take the time necessary to interpret the Gods’ true blessings.”

Luke nodded. “So you’ve been sleeping in a walk-in freezer as a kind of meditation?”

Gilt kicked a pillow and bedroll into a corner and out of sight. “No.”

Luke shook his head. “Hey, I get it. We didn’t have lodging when we arrived in town either. I’m sleeping in the pantry of a local restaurant.”

Ted looked at Luke. “Really? Oh Luke.”

“It’s not so bad. The chickens barely keep me up at night.” said Luke.

Gilt leaned over and embraced Luke’s head in a waaay to friendly gesture. “What decadence. What cruelty. To have a man of your talents hidden away. This town truly is an affront to the compassion of the Gods.” He stroked Luke’s hair. “They sit up there in their Gambling Halls pretending like they’re better than the rest of us. Using their summons to manifest all kinds of needless tchotchkes. As if they had any insight into the will of the Gods. They’re just taking advantage of the ignorant masses.”

“Is that why you kidnapped us?” Luke asked.

Gilt Homage jumped back in shock. “Nonsense. I didn’t kidnap you. I rescued you.”

Luke tested the ropes binding him to the wooden chair. “Uh huh. And what about Ted?”

“My associates were overly enthusiastic.”

“Did you let them kidnap you Ted?” Luke asked.

“I didn’t want to be difficult.” said Ted.

Gilt paced in front of Luke. “You are a pearl my child. Unfit for wallowing in common silt. When I saw you save that boy in the street I knew that you were the chosen one. I know it more surely than I have known anything in my life. The Gods have chosen you Belt Trousers.”

“No thank you.” said Luke.

“Did he call you belt trousers?” asked Ted.

“It was a short-lived alias.” said Luke.

“You are kind, noble, and capable of summoning the most spectacular results. You are the perfect combination.” said Gilt.

“No thank you.” said Luke again.

“You cannot refuse. It is your destiny.”

“No thank yo-”

“Gilt! We need more ice out here.” One of the people wearing a polar bear costume out front yelled back into the storage locker.

“Excuse me for one moment.” said Gilt.

Gilt turned around. He unsheathed his sword, Ahurfrost the Ice Blade, Winter’s Sting, the Bane of Summer’s wind, and used it to create some ice on a tray.

“Thanks Gilt.” The person in a bear costume took the tray and turned back to the front of the stand.

“We need a refill on cherry flavor.” said another bear.

“I’m coming.” Gilt picked up a large bottle of sugar water. “I’ll be back in a moment.” he said to Luke, then walked out to the front counter.

“Who is this guy?” Ted asked.

“Oh Gilt? We met him in the woods right after we left Star Town. He robbed us, took our horses, and then we crushed him with a statue.” said Luke.

Ted blinked a few times.

Luke continued. “He has some silly notion about being chosen by the gods that he appears to have passed on to me. It’s very inconvenient really.” Luke tested his bonds again.

“Wait. Are these people Paladins?” asked Ted.

“Gilt is, yes. He was very vocal about that the last time we met. I’m not sure about the other bears.” said Luke.

Ted frowned. “That changes things.”

Gilt walked back into the walk-in freezer. “Sorry about that. There are a lot of tourists in town these days. I’m almost ashamed of how much money we’re making. Capitalism is borderline profane as far as I am concerned. What’s the point of wealth if it’s not derived from the Gods? But Peppermint had this idea so here we are.” Gilt wiped his hands on his apron. “Anyway Chosen one, let’s get back to planning out your inevitable future as the leader of our order.”

“Hey! Ice peddler. You need to let us go right now.” Ted’s voice dropped.

“Excuse me. I am talking to the chosen one. You will have to wait your turn.” said Gilt.

Ted let out a long breath. “Paladins…”

Ted leaned over slightly, then rocked back on his chair. The front legs lifted up. Just before he fell backwards he pitched forward again. The movement rocked him in the opposite direction and he was able to hop onto his feet. His back was still tied behind him but now the legs of the chair were jutting out into the air as he squatted on the ground. Ted crouched and then leapt up and back. He would have landed right on his ass, but the chair was in the way. As the wooden legs hit the floor at an angle they buckled. *Ka-snap* The entire frame of the chair folded in half and splintered under Ted’s full weight. Ted slammed into the ground and rolled onto his shoulder. He stretched his arms out over his head, braced himself against the floor, and kip-upped back into a standing position. Without the chair to hold them the ropes that were binding him fell into a puddle at his feet.

Gilt sputtered. “Hey! Stop that! Now I’m going to have to get more chair donations.”

Luke’s eyes widened. “That was incredible Ted. Here let me try.” Luke imitated Ted’s movements. In a few seconds he was standing in a pile of wooden splinters and rope.

“It worked.” He said.

“Let’s get out of here.” Ted pointed to the door.

Gilt put a hand on his hip. “Not so fas-hmph!”

Ted’s huge hand palmed Gilt’s entire head like a basketball. Ted used his hips to rotate Gilt out of the way. Ted spotted an empty five liter food coloring bucket, picked it up, and stuffed Gilt’s head into it.

“Let’s go.” Ted said. He walked out of the storage locker.

Gilt flailed around trying to get the bucket off of his head.

“It was nice seeing you again Mr Homage. But I have no interest in being your chosen one.” Luke walked out after him.

“Luke! What tha elephant turds are you doing back there?” Cophin yelled from the counter of the shaved ice stand. The skinny chef was seated at the front counter on a wooden stool. He held a half eaten red colored shaved ice in his hand.

“Sorry that’s my boss. I gotta go.” Luke said. “Chef Cophin. I was just introducing Ted to someone that I met on the journey to Kaseihgaeu. What are you doing here?”

“Well I was trying to enjoy my time before tha dinner rush with the only simple and pure snack food in existence. Hey, what were you doing in tha back? You don’t work here do you?” Cophin looked the tiniest bit hurt.

“No, no. We were just leaving.” said Luke.

“Not so fast Chosen One!” Gilt shouted. The Paladin leapt up on top of the Shaved Ice Stand. Blue food coloring ran down his face and dripped off of his chin. He held Ahurfrost in one hand and a long rope in the other. “You cannot deny your uniquity. Behold!”

Gilt pulled the rope. There was a wagon parked next to the stand with a large sheet covering something in the back. The rope pulled the sheet loose. The covering fell away revealing the statue of Eictor.

Everyone in the marketplace turned to look.

“Oooh.” “Aaah.” “Impressive.” “Very nice.” Several tourists took turns admiring the work.

“Do you see? You are the Chosen One. The Gods have favored you. Belt Trousers! You will be our glorious leader!” Gilt shouted down.

“No thank you.” Luke shouted up.

“What happened to its nose?” Ted looked at the statue.

Gilt climbed down off the roof. He stalked towards Luke with his magic sword drawn. “Now see here. You will do as I say and lead us. Otherwise I will have to-”

Cophin nudged a wooden stool in front of Gilt with his toe. The edge of the stool hit Gilt right between his thighs and took him by surprise.

“Huhhgg!” Gilt grabbed his groin. He collapsed like a bag of wet hammers.

Ahurfrost hit the ground once and bounced. Cophin caught the blade with the tip of his toe, kicked it into the air, and caught it with his free hand. “You should be careful with this. Magic weapons are rare.” Cophin took another big bite out of his shaved ice.

The person wearing a bear costume that was standing behind the counter pointed at Cophin. “Hey! That belongs to our-”

“Here you go!” Cophin tossed the sword over the counter.

The wear bear scrambled to catch it with both hands. The front counter worker looked at the sword in their hands, then back at Cophin, then at the rest of the bears that were working the shaved ice stand. There were four of them in total. Three of them were wearing friendly polar bear costumes with googly eyes and big smiles on the head part. The fourth was wearing a grizzly bear costume with uncomfortably realistic claws and teeth and a paisley scarf tied around its neck.

“What should we do?” The counter bear looked around. “Gilt wanted us to capture them. But…”

Gilt *Groaned* from his place on the ground.

Cophin used his thumbs to crack the knuckles of his left hand. *Crick*Crick*Crack*Pop* “Don’t let me distract you. If you want to take a swing with your fancy new sword, go ahead.”

He stared at one of the bear costumed servers. The server flinched. They quickly looked back to make sure their friends were still standing behind them. When they looked back Cophin had an ice pick in his hands.

“Uhhh…”

Cophin used the ice pick to poke a hole in the bottom of the paper cone in his hands. Red liquid spurted out of the hole. Cophin held the paper up to his lips, sucked the cone dry, then slammed it down onto the counter. With a final twist he *Stabbed* the paper with the ice pick, embedding it in the wooden counter.

All of the servers in bear costumes took a step back. Except for the paisley bear. That bear remained perfectly still. Cophin watched the paisley bear out of the corner of his eye.

Luke leaned over and picked Gilt up off of the ground. “I’m sorry for any trouble that I might have caused you Chef.” He seated Gilt on a stool at the counter. “Gilt and his friends are a little over enthusiastic. We’ll be leaving soon, but before we go Gilt said something about saving someone. Which made me wonder, do any of you have any first aid training?” Luke asked the bears.

The three polar bears shrugged. The paisley bear remained motionless.

Luke nodded to himself. “That’s what I thought. Here, let me give you a few quick demonstrations in case something ever happens in an emergency. Ted will you help me?”

“You want me to help them? These people are idiots.” Ted crossed his arms.

“No. I want you to help me.” Luke said.

“Ugh. Fine. Just this once.” said Ted.

“Great. Now who here knows how to perform an abdominal thrust?”

#

The cold eyes of a Llama watched them from an alleyway.