Fork This Life!

Chapter 8: Half way there and back and there and back again.

It’s slow progress, what with him carrying someone. How is he going to deal with that, anyway? The person could wake up at any time, and they will most definitely panic at being slung over someone’s shoulder. Even if they don’t, we’ll get questioned by the city guards. Carrying an unconscious person… not a good look.

Okay, I’m stumped. We could set the person down and wake them up, but that would be super awkward too. Hey, solution! Dump them somewhere within sight of the city. Yep, perfect plan.

I activate telepathy and start chatting. “Yo Ferdinand? What you gonna do with that guy on your back?”

“She’s a woman, actually.” Ferdinand corrects me. “And what do you mean?”

“No wonder you didn’t want to leave her behind… Ahem, you can’t just go into the city with an unconscious woman slung over your shoulder, can you?” I ask.

I watched his hand shoot forwards into a spectacular, yet completely silent, facepalm.

“You didn’t think about that, huh?” I ask rhetorically.

“No… It’ll be fine if I just wake her up, right?” He asks.

“Sure, if you’re happy to have an extended conversation about how you did not steal her possessions and/or do dirty things with her unconscious body.” I say sarcastically.

He does a brilliant attempt at a telepathic sigh. “No. I assume, then, that you have another plan?”

“Hardly a plan.” I say, “Just leave her somewhere within eyesight of the city.”

Ferdinand asks, “What if she doesn’t wake up, or gets attacked by monsters?”

“You said it yourself, monsters are rare here. I can only see… about four weak-looking ones right now. As for her not waking up, let me check something for a moment.” I say.

Telepathy info, please.

Telepathy (Advanced) (High Rare, Active) 0.00% - Allows one to communicate with other beings in exchange for 0.5 Psi/sec*distance between user and target in meters, to a maximum range of (Wisdom*Intelligence)/5m. Allows the user to share emotions and thoughts with the recipient.

Wis*Int/5m, huh. That’s… 361m. At maximum distance, 180.5 Psi/sec usage. Current max Psi at 420, that’s a bit over 2 seconds. This could work.

“Okay, I can wake her up from three hundred metres away. Probably.” I say confidently.

“How far is three hundred metres?” Ferdinand asks.

“We can figure that out when we’re close enough to the city." I answer. "Now, I need to be saving up my Psi for this, so I’ll be silent until we get there.”

“Okay. Bye, then.” He says.

I hadn’t thought of it like that, but I suppose that’s accurate. I mean, we’re physically close, but communication is impossible, so it may as well be goodbye, huh?

So, my plan is to telepathically yell at her, from 300m away. At a distance of three hundred metres, we shouldn’t be anything more than a dot on the horizon.

…Is that right? It’s been so long since I had human sight, I hardly remember how distance works. Ten months…  Has it really been that long? Thinking back, hardly anything at all happened during that time. It’s really a miracle that I held on for so long, isn’t it?

Why do I keep thinking like this?

Come on man, it’s all gotten so much better. You’ve got a friend you can talk to, you’re helping him out, getting stronger…ish.

After that, I just watch the road, as it were. For reference, we have travelled a couple of hours or so outside of town. I have no idea how far that translates to in distance, but it was surely a fair way.

Some indeterminate period of time later, the city is on the edge of my vision.

“Give me a signal when you can see the city, okay?”

“I could see it for a while now.” He replies.

“Oh, okay. Put her down somewhere, then.” I say, cutting off the link.

The dude must be tired, hauling her all this way. He lowers the gal to the ground, then I see him scratching his head. Oh, right, the signal thing.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Are we really just leaving her here like this?” He asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, I’ll wake her up once we’re far enough, don’t worry. Plus, I can see everything within the range of my mana sight skill, and there are no monsters anywhere near here right now.” I reassure him.

And so we head off towards the city. It’s about now I realise that no, 361 is not half of 903. Uh… Oops. Was planning to do it once we were halfway between her and the city, but (duh) that’d be 450 metres away. Whatever, how far are we from her? About a third of the way from her to city? Yep, that’s about good.

I create a telepathic link with her and start sending obnoxiously loud alarm sounds through.

What, you thought I can only transmit real words? Nah, words are just a combination of sounds after all. And if I can transmit ordered packets of sound, I can transmit disordered packets of sound. Mentally. With no actual sound being generated on either end. This psychic stuff is weird.

It gives me a bit of amusement watching her bolt upright and look wildly around.

That thought makes me pause. When was the last time I had felt amused? Since I’d gotten to this world, everything has been a chore, if anything was happening at all. Meal after meal, ball of mana after ball of mana, communicating with small animal after animal…

I didn’t do it for fun, to while away the hours, or even because I had to. No, I could have sat there on the floor of that cave forever, without doing a thing, slowly drifting into insanity forever.

I did it, because I thought it might make things better for me, eventually. Perhaps it will. Perhaps it has. Perhaps it won’t. But things aren’t likely to get better if I do nothing.

Or rather, they definitely won’t. Sometimes you have friends, family, someone that will help you, make things better, even if you do nothing. I don’t. I have Ferdinand, but our relationship is tenuous at best. If I stop communicating with him, helping him, he might just throw me away.

…Actually, given what I know of him, he might try to help me anyway. But why should I risk that? Besides, how pathetic would that be, for me to rely completely on him without doing anything at all.

Aaaaaand we’re already in the city. I really need to get rid of that side-tracking habit. I mean, it was a bit of a defensive mechanism from back then to prevent me from going insane, but I need to focus on the present now.

There I go again! Sheesh!

So, right now we’re in a big-ish building with lots of people in it. This’d be one of them adventurer guilds, right?

Or something like that, at least.

I kinda want to figure out what’s going on here, but I don’t want to distract him. Wait, people aren’t looking at him right now. Let’s give him some advice!

“If they ask you anything about the spider, just say you were too busy running away! Works every time.”

“Not now. Busy!” He replies shortly.

That brings back bad memories. ‘There’s a time and place for everything, but not now.’ The amount of times that message appeared on my screen made me want to stop playing that game.

For a while, it’s just people moving around, then he finally leaves the place.

“So, what’s happening?” I ask.

“Well, the other members of the party got here way before us, and they told the guild all about what happened. Naturally, they couldn’t just believe what they were saying, so they sent out a few scouts. They should be back in a few hours, then we’ll see what happens.”

Sounds riveting.

“In the meantime?”

“Not sure. Relax a bit, train a bit. Normal things.” He replies.

Sounds boring. Just like my life.

Ohhh, sick burn. To myself. Stop being depressing, self!

Nothing much interesting happening, huh. Suppose I’ll talk to rats some.

“Oy, tiny mammal thing. Rats and mice are mammals, right? You see that food you’re about to eat? Highly poisonous. Yep, you’ll keel over dead in mere moments if you eat that stuff. Better not.”

The rat completely ignores me and begins to eat it. A few moments later it begins to twitch, then falls on its back, dead.

What did I tell you? I tried to warn you about the rat poison, but noooo, the voice in your head obviously knows nothing. It has nothing at all to do with how animals don’t understand English, nope, that’s ridiculous.

Hey, could I manipulate animals to do my bidding like the pied piper with telepathy?

That might not be too far-fetched.

Maybe.

Well, let’s try it out.

… Or maybe not, I’m out of Psi.

Later, then. In the meantime… Uh, what do I do? Are there any other 99 bottles of beer on the wall-esque songs? Infinitely long songs… ‘I got a song that’ll get on your nerves’? There’s no-one to annoy…

Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. What if… In the middle of battle, I use telepathy on the enemy and start singing that. That would totally throw them off! This telepathy is great!

It would also… piss them off, but hey, if they’re trying to kill us, who cares?

Although, it would probably only be useful against humans. But, if we assume a melee battle, that would probably have the enemy within a range of two metres at all times, at a cost of 1 Psi/sec, that would be four hundred and twenty seconds, or seven minutes.

Mentally yelling at someone for seven minutes… that could make a difference. And better yet, I don’t have to worry about my voice getting tired, because I don’t have vocal chords!

Uh, but what do I do in the meantime. I has no google! GOOOGLE! NOOOOooooo! What will I do!?

Another boring day of alternating telepathy and looking around blankly, I suppose. It takes around 98 seconds to regen my psi now. Wait, no, it’s in minutes. An hour 38 mins. That’s even longer than before! But, if I leave a good 50 psi in the pool at all times, it’s only an hour twenty-five minutes.

…That’s STILL longer than before!

Well, at least it leaves me with much more use time.

It really does look like I’ll have to go back to the bottle song… Waaaait a sec. The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants go marching one by one…

The next day he goes back to the same building as before. A bit later, he walks out with a group of people.

“So, what’s happening?” I ask.

“Well, they found the corpse. No surprise there, it was huge. They questioned us some more, but you were right. That excuse does work well. Out of consideration for the unusual circumstances, we won’t be considered as have failed the commission. That is, as long as we still complete it.” He explains.

“So, you’re going out again?”

“Yes… As long as we don’t have terrible luck, we shouldn’t run into something like that again.”

“Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be lucky enough for that to work a second time.” I say wryly.

The trip there is completely uneventful, unlike last time. Thank God for that. I don’t know if I’d have coped if that thing was defined as normal.

Well, now that you have the play-by-play of our trip here, we can go on. It’s a pretty small village. It has a few paddocks, a few farms, a smattering of buildings around the place. They look pretty simple. Only a couple of rooms in each, a fireplace, chimney, that sort of stuff.

As for the villagers… They’re fighting a bunch of beasts in one of the paddocks, the livestock huddled in a corner away from the conflict. The beasts look like some sort of canine, but that could mean anything from dog to wolf to hyena to dingo.

And we, we are on the other side of the village. If I were to notify Ferdinand now, it would look unnatural to the others. So, what can I do? Just the usual: ab-so-lute-ly no-thing.

Can any of my skills help? Absorb, nope. Telepathy, nope, the fight is out of my range. Mana sight, not more than it currently is. Body of deadly poison, poison resistance, nope, nope. Self-repair, almost forgot I had that skill. Doesn’t help me here, though.

So, I can only watch as the group searches through the village a bit, before finally noticing something and rushing off in the direction of the fight.

The farmers, although likely rippling with muscle from their life of hard labour, have no armour or effective weapons. Armed with hoes, pitchforks, shovels and other farming instruments, they have a tough fight on their hands with a group of eight villagers against a pack of twenty odd beasts.

In the time it takes for the group to get to the scene, one farmer had fallen to the ground, unmoving.

With a flash of white, an arrow of white flies at the beasts, striking one dead. Interesting. Since I could see the entirety of the arrow, as well as its bright white colour, as opposed to the dim white of normal materials, I assume that was magic. Nice.

Wish I could do that. I would be the greatest magical fork the world has ever seen!

Hey, don’t talk back to me. Just because I would be the only magical fork the world has ever seen doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be amazing!

Ahem.

I really wish I could say more about the combat, but apart from the magic, I can’t see much of what is happening, in terms of the movements of weapons. I can see the beasts’ attacks, of course, but sometimes they stop dead in the air in front of someone, or be knocked aside mid-charge by some invisible force.

It’s very disconcerting. I would go on… But you’ve heard it all before.

The few remaining beasts flee, jumping over the wooden fence and running off into the woods. Why are there woods everywhere? Well, I suppose it’s not a bad thing, I mean, we need to breathe, right? Oh wait, I don’t.

Is the request finished with that? Let’s check. Trees, trees, more trees, what’s that tall bushy thing? Ah, just another tree. Newsflash, lots of trees in local forest. Birds, birds, bees’ nest, ugh… Wait, I can’t get stung anymore, yay! More birds, looks like a few deer, a few roaming boars, nothing farmers can’t deal with. Great.

Of course, I wouldn’t have told Ferdinand their precise location if there were any. I’d just recommend that he suggest that they do a brief search of the forest, just in case. Can’t be too careful, in cases like these.

Actually you can, but I think I’ve gone into that too. That’d be the whole sit in the one spot doing nothing forever gig.

Hey, now that I have self-repair and am able to repair any damage taken, whether from force or degradation of the materials I’m composed of, doesn’t that make me functionally immortal?

Huh. Humans lusted after immortality for so many generations, turns out all you need to do is be a fork.

Let’s ignore the various other things I needed to do to achieve this pseudo-immortality. It’s purely due to me being a fork, yep.

So, is it over? It looks like it’s over.

“Is it over?”

“Yeah, no thanks to you. Why didn’t you tell me that was happening?” He sounds angry.

“I thought it would be too suspicious if you went straight to the combat, so I didn’t tell you.” I try to explain.

“Someone died because we didn’t get there fast enough, Gerald.”

“You’re right about that. Perhaps If I had told you, you would have been able to save him. But what if that lead to me being exposed? We could both die, and then we wouldn’t be able to save anyone.” I reason.

“And how would someone noticing a battle a bit earlier than others lead to somebody thinking ‘He must have a telepathic sentient fork on him! I should kill him for it!’? I could just say I heard something in the direction of the fight, and we should check it out, and nobody would think it strange!” He says angrily.

…He’s right. Perhaps I was being too careful, even while thinking I could be more careful. How ironic. I suppose I was just afraid I would suddenly die, like last time. Should I explain that? No, it would sound like an excuse. It always sounds like an excuse, at least, they always take it like that. Why do people have to be that way? Why do they assume the worst, and ignore almost anything you say? Why?

…Nevertheless, I should say something. And if I can’t explain, there’s only one thing I can say, even if it means nothing to people. Again, why? They all tell us to say it when we do something wrong, and turn around and say we don’t mean it when we do say it.

“I’m sorry. I should have at least told you about it.”

“As long as you’re aware of it, it’s alright.” He says.

Is this guy seriously okay with that? That’s way too lenient. I met you a couple days ago, you know? I know I saved your life and all, but still. Forget being a knight, with that attitude you could be a monk or a priest.

“Thank you.”

And I mean it, y’know? I did mess up. Sure, it could have caused suspicion. But it was unlikely. And even if it did, what are the chances that someone would remember that suspicion when we got back, and tell it to others? And the chance that someone would listen to the weak suspicion ‘he heard something I didn’t, and I can hear real good.’? Altogether, the chances are lower than Tartarus.

I was being paranoid. But what do you expect? I’m a being that can’t move, hear, speak or see properly. Of course I’ll be afraid of being discovered.

Ahem.

I suppose I should get back to watching the surroundings.

Looks like we’re almost on our way again. This has been an eventful few days. I made a friend, killed a giant spider, got some skills, levelled a bunch… I hope it stays like this for a good while.

Ah, for my sake and yours, here’s my full status. I haven’t gained EXP coz of the whole poison thing. Eh? Who am I referring to as ‘you’? Why, that’s me. Not insane. Got the title.

Gerald: Status