NOVEL WEB Chapter 9: Conflicting Feelings
Brian
The sight of Nightshade kissing Gwen’s neck stole my breath away. My words trailed off, my mind too shocked to form sentences. The image was frozen in my mind, even as Gwen pulled away slowly, calm and assured, not the hurried movements of someone caught in a shameful act. She wasn’t bothered in the slightest that I had interrupted them. His teeth on her skin. She was speaking to me now, but I couldn’t hear anything. All I could hear was the thud thud thud of my heart beating in my chest. Nightshade looked troubled, came over and put a gentle hand on my shoulder. His hand on her face, caressing. Why was the image stuck in my head? It was hard to breathe, I felt…envious? Jealous? Why? Why why why why–
“Bri, are you alright? You’re shaking!” her voice was like a soft blanket, yet it stabbed into me, needles of fear.
I shook off the consoling hands and the concerned comments. I had to move, I had to get away. Feet pounding on the ground, door slamming as I picked the closest empty compartment and locked the door behind me. Something about this place was getting to me. My emotions felt so much stronger than they ever had before. I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I’m a man, a man is supposed to be calm, assured…so why was I crying? Fuck. My father’s voice came unbidden, calling me weak, calling me pathetic. Hadn’t he told me, time and time again? People like them were an abomination. Their acts were degenerate, unclean, a moral stain on existence.
His voice wasn’t alone. Someone new was pushing back, turning my thoughts into a battlefield. Nightshade’s soothing words, the balm that had made me feel like everything would be okay. He tore my father’s teachings to pieces like ripping apart a flimsy curtain. There was nothing behind it. Not even me. I was torn along with the curtain. Everyone was having such a good time around me. Gwen adapted to this world so quickly, so joyfully. Nightshade thought I could do that too, he believed in me. How could I tell him that there wasn’t a me to believe in? I’m not a person. I’m a collection of obligations, a doll just doing what I’ve been told.
It’s no wonder that he and Gwen were doing something like…that. People could make choices like that. Someone like me? I’d be lucky if I was invited to the wedding. Wouldn’t want gloomy Brian ruining the atmosphere. I sat there, slumped against the door, ignoring the soft thuds as someone tried to check on me. Just leave me alone, move on with your lives. I was a fool to think I could keep up with you.
The room around me grew colder and colder; it grew so cold that I could see my breath in front of me. Fuck fuck fuck, was I leaking magic again? I couldn’t even handle that one small thing! Ellya’s instructions ran through my mind, a mantra that steadied me as I tried to stop the cold. Form the orb, envision it, see the tendrils of mana leaking out. That’s good, I’ve got it, I just need to seal the leaks. Breathe in, breathe out. Hum the song. Let my thoughts grow still.
The moisture in the air that had begun to form into mist grew warmer and my face was damp as it mixed with my tears. Not just my face, my whole body was a soggy mess.
The knocking at the door began again and I pulled myself up with a wince, joints popping and creaking. Legacy of retail. It took me a moment to figure out the lock as thinking felt like pushing through molasses. I was surprised to see that it wasn’t either of the lovers.
“Hey Brian, can I come in? You look like you need a friend.” Multiple eyes blinked slowly in concern as Ellya waited for me to respond.
I couldn’t speak so I just nodded and shifted to the side.
She reached out with one of her arachnid limbs as she passed, guiding me to a seat as she sat across from me. Steam rose from a mug that she pressed into my hand. It was too hot, my hands burned with the heat, but I ignored the pain as the warmth spread through me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to respond…only to find I couldn’t speak. I could only make scratchy, croaking sounds. This wasn’t a new experience. My mother had berated me time and time again for being unable to speak when I was distressed.
Ellya raised a hand and I winced before realizing that she was gesturing for me to stop. “Brian, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything–” she noticed my wince and paused, heartfelt concern in her eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you and I’m not going to make you explain. I’m here to help you, okay?”
I nodded.
“Is it alright if I try to piece together what happened? All you need to do is nod or shake your head. We’ll go slowly and we can stop if you need a moment.” She waited for my response and continued only when I showed my agreement. Her patience was comforting. She continued. “Gwen told me that she and Nightshade were kissing when you interrupted.” Nod. “She said you looked upset and ran out of the room without saying anything.” Nod. “She wasn’t sure why you were upset. You’ve seen kissing before, right?” Hesitant nod. “Does seeing displays of affection like that bother you?” Aggressive shake. “So it was seeing Gwen specifically doing that with someone else?” I didn’t know how to answer that, so I just shrugged and tried to sip the hot tea. “Was it seeing Nightshade kissing someone?” I started to shake my head, but shrugged again.
Ellya sat there quietly, thinking. I sipped some more tea, feeling a little better. The scenery outside passed by swiftly, though it had grown dark enough that I couldn’t make out more than dim shadows and vague shapes.
Finally, she spoke again. “It is one thing to hear and comprehend something in an abstract way. It is another to experience it firsthand, isn’t it?” I nodded. “You’ve been pulled out of your world, out of everything you’ve ever known. I’ve watched you struggle to make sense of things, as I think most people would, and I’ve sincerely admired your efforts. But you also remind me of myself a little bit.”
I tilted my head, questioning, still unable to speak.
“Well, I see you trying to understand Gwen and I, women like us, as well as someone like Nightshade. Physical appearance is associated closely with identity and sexuality in your world, right? Someone like him must really leave you feeling lost,” she took a deep breath. “I grew up a little…sheltered. Going off to school, becoming a mage, it was wonderful, but it also meant I got to experience firsthand that people actually did things like kissing or having sex.”
My eyes grew wide as I listened without interrupting.
“You see, I’d read about such things. And about love. Some parts of it made sense: holding hands, being close to someone, feeling that warmth as they filled your thoughts. Other parts…well I just couldn’t see the point. Sex was one of those things. I assumed all that was some kind of inside joke everyone was making. After all, people enjoying that? How amusingly absurd.” Ellya giggled to herself exasperatedly. “It became even more apparent when I tried dating. My friend Thalassa, the one we are going to meet? I had such a crush on em. We went out a few times, ey was very sweet, but there was a disconnect when we grew closer. Ey wanted physical intimacy and I just couldn’t understand it. That’s just how things are sometimes. We’ve been good friends ever since and I’ve had partners of all sorts who wanted the same things I do or met those needs elsewhere. But I’ll never forget how confused I was when I realized I was different in that way from others.”
I found I could relate, a little bit. Not in exactly the same way, sex didn’t confuse me, but something had often felt…off. “H-h-how did you deal w-with people getting angry about that? Surely they thought you were…weird.”
Ellya gave me a long look, a mixture of pity, sorrow, and understanding. “Nobody was angry with me, Brian. Once Thalassa realized I was asexual, ey helped me learn what that meant. It wasn’t a big deal, though it honestly was more confusing for me than realizing I’m a woman. Sometimes it takes a bit to realize things about yourself because if nothing ever challenges your conceptions, how would you know? That’s all there is to it. I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I’ve had similar experiences. You aren’t alone, Brian.”
There were questions I had about what Ellya had just shared with me, but it felt like the wrong time to ask. Later, maybe. Instead, I looked down at my cup, refusing to meet her gaze. It was too gentle, too loving.
“Are you ready to talk about what upset you? It’s okay if you aren’t.”
“I…I felt guilty.”
“Guilty?”
“I’d been doing so good at ignoring what I was taught, treating Gwen better, focusing on what made her happy rather than some arbitrary rules. But…seeing her with Nightshade…I just felt so–” Envious. “Disgusted. She looks like a woman and I believe her now when she says she is…but so does Nightshade. They looked like two women kissing and that’s just–” Wonderful. “Well it’s wrong, isn’t it? At least, that’s what I was taught. They looked so happy, it felt wrong to be disgusted. I panicked.” I chuckled. “Even traveling to a whole different world hasn’t let me escape what a fucking mess I am.”
Ellya listened attentively and tilted her head to the side. “You think of yourself as a mess?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I? I mean, even now, as you are trying to comfort me, all I can focus on is how I just can’t seem to get a grip. Like, I get what you are trying to do by sharing, at least I think I do, but it just sticks in my head and swirls around. I should be able to understand these things…but it all gets so turned around.” I looked away. “You’re very kind to me, Ellya, kinder than I think anyone aside from Gwen has been…but I can’t help but feel you are wasting your time on me.”
She reached out a hand to console me, but I pulled away, refusing to meet her eyes. “I think I would like to be alone now, please.” My reflection shimmered in the mug of tea and I gripped it tighter, relishing the pain as it seared my hands even more.
Ellya stood and walked to the door, stopping for a moment. “Of course. I’m here if you need me, Brian. We all are. You aren’t alone.”
All I could think of in response was “I should be.”
****
Night had fallen as I stared out the window, watching the light of the moons paint the landscape in twilight rainbow hues. Guilt had settled over me like an old friend, keeping me company as I let time slip by. I ran through Ellya’s mantra over and over to distract myself. It helped and I was thankful for it, even as I felt guilty that Ellya had taken so much time to try to help me.
It was in this mire of misery that I heard Nightshade’s voice coming from above me, through the train’s comm system.
“Esteemed guests, we are approaching our destination! Please do me the honor of joining me at the front of the train to bear witness to something truly special!” There was a slight pause before he continued. “Brian, this means you too. I think you’ll want to see this.”
Part of me felt like staying; just to be contrary. The part of me that was curious was stronger, however, so I found myself peering out the door and making my way forward. I was entirely unprepared for what I saw as I joined the others at the front. Gwen and Nightshade both offered me a consoling look and I shrugged as I focused instead on the cabin.
Unlike any train I was familiar with, the cabin of this train had no controls or anything beyond a great viewing pane that showed our destination ahead. The sight of the city took my breath away. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had assumed that the city would be some kind of grand castle and surrounding buildings, medieval yet fantastical in some fashion.
Valoris was nothing like that. It was a grand metropolis with towering, pearlescent spires and skyscrapers, dotted all over with plant life. A vast, thrumming garden of people and nature. Floating, crystalline orbs swayed gently in the night sky as the light of the moons played over their glittering surfaces. Our train was approaching from the hills above, giving us a brilliant view of the wide boulevard beginning in the outskirts and flowing through the heart of the city.
Gwen gasped softly beside me as she pointed into the distance. “The city continues into the ocean? Underwater!?”
It took me a moment to process what I was seeing, but Gwen was right: the main thoroughfare sloped down at the shore and kept going under the waves. All around, structures pierced the surface and the water itself was crystal clear, showing a shrine of some kind in the center of the depths.
Ellya let out a deep, satisfied sigh. “Never fails to amaze me, no matter how many times I see it. Valoris is one of the most beautiful cities on Tellara. You are correct, Gwen, the city exists half on the shore and half among the waves. We’ll actually be going to the latter when we disembark, that’s where the Magisterium lies.”
“Ah, it’s been too long. I hope they haven’t cleared out my old room.” Ashforth chuckled softly.
Nightshade made his way towards the front and bowed slightly before clapping softly to grab our attention. “The city is indeed lovely, but that is not quite why I gathered you all here. No, I wanted you all to see something truly special that is about to begin in just a moment–” The lights in the city began to dim. “Oh, it’s starting! Keep an eye on the main street, the procession should be appearing any minute now!”
Within a few moments, every light in the city was out. The grand spires became shadowy suggestions against the deep blue of the night sky and all was quiet. Slowly, dim shapes gathered in the boulevard from all around the city. A soft light began to glow from the center of the gathering. Those at the center were dressed in ornate costumes; a tall, commanding woman with sweeping horns and scales, a gentle looking woman garbed in spiderwebs, a bearded, serious man holding stone tablets, and more besides. Surrounding the larger than life figures was a throng of people in disheveled attire who wore solemn expressions. Upon peering closer, I realized the throng of people were just as much in costume as the others.
The procession walked slowly through the city, mouths open in a song that we could not hear from so far away. That is, until Nightshade swore, gesturing this way and that until the cabin filled with an ethereal song. Words of loss and ruin and sorrow filled my ears, commanding my attention. I nearly didn’t notice that our train had stopped, to take in the sight.
“This is the ceremony of Shatternight, a yearly remembrance of what was lost.” Nightshade’s voice was soft and reverent. “The figures at the center are the old gods of Tellara. See noble Felgran with his thoughtful mien, his wisdom corrupted by imperial greed. There is fierce Teara, embodiment of the vital energy of chaos. It was her power that the old world attempted to seize and it was her power bereft of will that scarred the land. Beside her is Sharlat, her steadfast wife. The humble spider, she who sheltered us in our hour of dire need, ensuring a home for those who lived.” He sighed longingly. “I remember when they walked among us, before it all fell apart.” His gaze grew distant.
I raised my hand to reach out, to comfort him, but Gwen was quicker; she wrapped an arm around him and held him gently. He smiled gratefully at her before continuing. “Behind them, you can see the Chorus of the Forest, the god of the forest.” He pointed at four figures behind the other ‘gods’. Their appearance was fae and wild, androgynous in the way of unearthly beauty.
Moonlight illuminated crystal-clear panes in the windows surrounding the procession, showing people watching carefully as it passed by. The ‘gods’ stared ahead as they carried the light onward, but the people walking with them looked around and tightened the straps of their packs and drew their tattered coats closer.
Nightshade continued his narration. “The people around the gods represent the survivors of the initial spasms of the cataclysm. The scarring of the world was not a single instant, it was a drawn out cry of pain. The seas rose, day by day, as storms raged across the sky. Accounts from those days are fragmented, scattered, but that is why Shatternight exists. To remember. To remind. Lest the world be fractured yet again.”
The procession reached the waves and continued, slipping beneath the waters, the glowing light refracting as it was swallowed by the sea. I turned to Nightshade in concern. “Are they going to be okay?”
“Oh yes, the procession continues until it reaches the heart of the city, to the Shrine of the Storm’s Champion. Give me a moment, I’ll pull up the scrycast so we can watch.” The conductor closed his golden eyes and hummed for a moment as the viewing pane shifted into the clear image of the procession as it continued. None involved seemed the least bit bothered by being underwater, even as their hair and clothing swayed in the currents. Within the waters, it was even darker than it had been on the surface, the moonlight being too weak to reach.
Eventually, they reached the shrine, a surprisingly humble structure. It was composed of glassy obsidian that reflected the approaching light in ways that made it shimmer like a mirage. The shrine was open on all four sides, with a crystalline canopy above. In the center was a statue of a pair of figures: a shorter, heavyset woman with draconic features and a tall, willow woman with moth wings and four slender arms. The dragon had a fierce smile on her face, her body posed for combat and defending the other woman. The moth was frozen in the act of tending to the other woman’s tail, concern and love on her face.
Before the statue was a crystal basin seemingly growing from the ground, with empty channels running down the supporting pillar and through the city. ‘Teara’ separated from the crowd as she stretched her hands aloft towards the light. The light descended to meet her hands, as she clasped it to her chest before releasing it to the basin. The crystal seemed to drink in the light, glowing brighter and brighter as the light spread through the channels and raced throughout the city. Every district that the light reached burst forth into radiance until the whole city glowed in the quiet night. The song of the procession changed now to a triumphant cheer.
The ‘survivors’ all shed their ragged garments to reveal beautiful raiments beneath, pristine and new. The ‘gods’ bowed to the people and shimmered as their costumes vanished, leaving smiling figures who matched their neighbors.
“With the Shrine lit, the ceremony is complete and all may shed their sorrows to sing in joy. The world shattered, but it survived. So did we. Now the city will spend the night in celebration. It is customary to spend the evening with friends and family and to partake in feasts together. None who desire company are turned away, for we are all neighbors on this sacred night.” Nightshade’s face beamed with wonder and delight. “I am so glad to be able to celebrate with all of you. We will be arriving in the station in just a little while.” He paused, intending to say something else, but let it drop.
Ellya spoke to break the silence. “We had planned to spend this night with Thalassa, to introduce em to Gwen and Brian. You are welcome to join us, Nightshade. All are welcome during Shatternight.”
Nightshade smiled gratefully. “I wanted to ask, yet didn’t want to impose. Old habits die hard. I would be thrilled to join you all.”
“I have a previous invitation to see to, but I wish you all a merry Shatternight. Worry not, new friends, I’ll be sure to visit you once you are settled in at the Magisterium.” Ashforth bowed slightly, his hands forming a circle, before turning to leave.
“Goodbye, Ashforth. It was nice to meet you!” Gwen waved. She turned to Ellya. “That was such a beautiful ceremony, why didn’t you tell us about this?”
Ellya laughed. “Truthfully, it slipped my mind. Still, if I had remembered, I wouldn’t have said anything, lest I deny Nightshade one of his most treasured activities: sharing things he loves with new friends.” She leaned in close to Gwen and I. “You should have seen him during his first Shatternight. I don’t think he blinked even once the entire night.”
Nightshade blushed, his slate blue cheeks turning purple, as he crossed his arms and feigned nonchalance. “I remember it a little differently! I simply enjoyed the festivities and who could blame me! There was nothing so grand back in the days of the Empire.”
I was too awestruck by everything I’d seen to comment. It truly was beautiful, so much so that I set aside the guilt and anxiety from earlier. Time enough to worry about such things later, tonight was a night of celebration!
