NOVEL WEB Chapter 116: 7
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DeadpoolUltra by BatRou-Dawg
Misc » Book X-overs Rated: M, English, Drama & Humor, Words: 70k+, Favs: 24, Follows: 27, Published: May 2, 2023 Updated: May 3, 2023
1Chapter 7
The first thing I did after letting Squeal- no she said she wasn't Squealer anymore, but Sherrel... Once I let Sherrel cry it all out (where I had been apologizing over and over, but now was hoping that she had been too busy crying to notice) was to lend her some spare clothes.
She didn't question that I had a used shirt and shorts on hand (subtle Pocket Room shenanigans) as I turned my back respectively to let her dress.
I just really wished that I didn't feel a piercing glare at the whole of my backside.
I feel like a rabbit waiting for a unknown beast in the darkness to strike.
I tensed as thin, smooth (I suppose regenerating her whole body got rid of her calluses) fingers caressed the frayed edges of the suit.
"I... I'm sorry... about the suit and..."
"It's alright." I said, turning around. "You were also someone who needed saving, after all."
Her smile was painful for me. The trust on her face just drove the guilt in me crazy.
"Thank you again... for saving me."
The fact that those words brought me joy disgusted me... but I choked that down. I could digest that information later.
"I'm glad that I could help... but I have a question for you, Ms-"
"Sherrel" she said a little too quickly, her face taking a slightly shy look after, "I mean I'd like it if you could just call me Sherrel." She said as she played with the edges of the shirt.
Ignoring the pull in my heart seeing a woman looking at me shyly while wearing my shirt (Why did I think this was a good idea?! That's like standard male fetish #1!), I nodded calmly (or tried to at least not let my eyes drift just everywhere because Oh gid she is not wearing any underwear).
"Knmm." I coughed, "Sherrel. I was wondering, now that you're all healed up and since this is an opportunity for you to leave the Merchants if you needed or wanted to... if you would be willing to consider helping me by using your powers for good."
I didn't like the glint in her eyes.
They were fanatical. Worshiping. Without a shred of doubt in me.
And I had forced these feelings upon her.
"Anything! Everything!" She then bit her lip hesitantly (and at the same time seemed to marvel at how undamaged said lips had become as she ran her tongue over them contemplatively) "Uhm. But I don't feel confident about working with the Protectorate."
"I won't ask you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. But although I wish to save this city, I am but one man... I can't do this alone... Please. Help me bring hope."
I felt like a scam.
"I'd love that."
My conflicting feelings were disrupted by a small growling sound.
Sherrel's face flushed with embarrassment.
I chuckled. "Well let's get a little food in you before we figure out how to rebrand you. I'll probably need to get a good lawyer too but... ah right. Thoughts for later. Is pizza ok? Honestly, I didn't really get to eat much today either and fast, quality pizza is a thing. Also, I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I haven't had any time to stock the base with proper groceries yet either, so... I'll have to do that too..."
Sherrel giggled for some reason or the other before nodding in acceptance.
I swapped to my Deadpool outfit using Pocket Room (fuck it, she's kinda trapped here under a FUCKED up super-powered version of Stockholm Syndrome, who is she gonna tell).
"By the way, this second suit is for whenever I ever need a proper second identity for things All Might can't be seen doing. If you ever need to call for me when I'm in this suit, it's Deadpool, ok?"
She nodded, the picture of trust and blind obedience.
It was wrong.
Or so right!
Shut up.
"Yes, Deadpool."
I nodded as I began walking out of the room.
"Oh, and feel free to explore around and pick out a bedroom. There's like 7 other rooms to choose from. I'll be back soon."
It wasn't until I got to one of the routes leading out into the city when things got a little weird.
Well hi there. Dr. Deadpool has been expecting you. Step into my office and remember to relax the anus.
I blinked. Nope. I'm actually seeing a chibi Deadpool floating in front of me. With a stethoscope... and lab coat...
"...after the pizzas I need sleep."
No, this is real life, you don't get to ignore this, Deku-chan.
I'm doing an ALL MIGHT persona! And I'm not... you're not real. Fuck. I'm all messed up from the hospital today.
Yes. Yes you are. That's why I'm here. Because it's merely a PERSONA. And you got Schrodinger which placed your entire existence into what essentially is a nebulous state of he said she said.
What?
Exactly.
"No no no." I said as I walked down the path out to the city as the semi-transparent chibi Deadpool floated around in front of me in the Draw Me Like A French Girl pose. "This isn't fight club, and you SURE as hell aren't Tyler Durden. You're not real."
About as real as your insistence on killing off your own sense of self. Or your lack of self-preservation. You're NOT All Might. That was a fucking SHONEN manga character that had a whole WORLD SYSTEM that supported his psyche and existence. And HE didn't mutilate himself six ways to Sunday two days after being tortured AND had his limbs and organs harvested.
"You're not real. Shut up." I grit my teeth.
Not until you admit that you need help.
"THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD NEEDS HELP!"
AND YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU FALL APART LIKE A PAPER MACHE LIGHTHOUSE IN A STORM! STOP YELLING!
"What the FUCK do you care? You're not real and I can't die!"
Because I'm YOU, dumbass! Except I apparently still have ALL of the survival instincts because YOU'VE BEEN THROWING THEM OUT THE WINDOW! Just because we can't die sure as HELL doesn't mean we can't FEEL, DUMBASS. You essentially threw our ass AND mind in a blender for HOURS as you healed people. That kind of pain and stress doesn't JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR! Your pain threshold has increased, but not by THAT MUCH! You've just been barely holding onto sanity and powering through everything by ACTING like a different person and trying to meet public expectations!
"SHUT UP!"
That's why when there was nobody around, when you were ALONE with nobody CONSCIOUS ENOUGH to judge you, you LATCHED onto Sherrel like a FUCKING PARASITE! Because you NEEDED something to hold onto like a fucking baby looking for his blankie. So you Mastered a woman on the brink of death so that she wouldn't betray you. Then you latched onto her gratitude like a pillar for your sanity. Thank god for it, because if you broke apart, it would have taken forever to piece your psyche back together. By the way, congratulations, you're a scumbag.
"..."
Look. Fuck what they think. Who's gonna find out anyways? What YOU need to know is that right now you're a volatile bomb that's been going off constantly, and you need to calm some shit down. Firstly, you're not crazy... not exactly.
"How the fuck are you gonna say that to me with a straight face?"
Like this. Look. When the ABB stuck that vial in our FUCKING HEART and dumped us into the bay? We DIED. That wasn't how the vials were made to work and it was tossed because it was faulty anyways as far as we can tell.
"Oh great, so I'm a life ruining superman in the afterlife, yeah that makes sense."
Let me fucking finish, you ingrate. The lucky thing is that SOMEHOW the vial worked when it shouldn't have. Because YOU chose Negentropy. And THAT filled us up like a balloon and acted like a cosmic defibrillator for both our heart... and our SHARD.
"...What? Our dead shard? So we brought an Eden Shard BACK TO LIFE?!"
Hold up. It's not bad. And let me explain why.
"HOW THE FUCK IS THAT NOT BAD?!"
Well, Eden is STILL dead. And the Shard didn't fix that. What it DID though was merge with our biology in an attempt at survival. Problem is that it couldn't leave the heart. So it MADE a new kind of heart/second brain like SUPER ORGAN that could sustain it, but it fucked up. Slightly. Instead of latching on like a parasite, it merged with our body AND soul/aether/whatever the fuck. But by doing so... well. YOU probably was too busy when you were close to Panacea to properly pay attention to your internal biology, but I wasn't. And while I only began PROPERLY existing after you picked up Schrodinger, it was long enough for me to see our fucking internals looks like a fucking Rue-Goldberg machine. So us saying that we're a Case 53 isn't WRONG per say... but more accurately we're something halfway between an Entity and Human.
"...HOW THE FUCK IS THAT GOOD?! YOU'VE JUST ESSENTIALLY ADMITTED WE'RE A SECOND FUCKING SCION!"
The good thing is that we started as a human. And we CERTAINLY have no intention on killing off humanity. We'll prove that to Cauldron quite nicely, I think. And then they see that they have an immortal DEFENDER OF HUMANITY until the end of the world and the planet dies of heat death. We are their fucking GOLDEN BOY man. Uh. Well. Not Golden as Scion golden, but more like Fate Kintoki GOLDEN. Especially once we get enough of these delicious fragments to face-roll Endbringers.
"...I am having a nervous breakdown in the middle of a secret underground tunnel. With a split personality that is trying to cheer be up right after breaking me down... I am done. Just done. This day can't get any weirder."
Even if I tell you that half of that insanity is the suit?
"...how the fuck even-"
Look, you didn't know it when you bought it, but you don't have a shard in a conventional sense. You ARE the shard. Well your heart is, but its its slowly changing every part of you to reflect it without changing your outward appearance. Then you bought/MADE a physics and reality bending power LITERALLY named Schrodinger.
Normally, that's just a power for the Shard to implement by suspending the fabric of reality and allowing you to perform 10 actions on the quantum level because it would allow the SHARD to force itself into a state where it could split and merge itself on 10 separate layered dimensions that perpetuates itself by said dimensions intersecting perpendicularly with ours.
Except YOU didn't know that the Shard is a PART of you and now thus exist in a now perpetually nebulously ambiguous position somewhere on the fabric of conceptual reality as a result.
NORMALLY, everything about yourself that you reject as not you doesn't STOP BEING because YOU WANTED TO EAT WHILE WEARING A MASK you gave yourself the power of QUANTUM FUCKERY! Because of this power now by choosing to be the side of yourself that you DON'T reject, ON A FUCKING QUANTUM LEVEL there exists a YOU (aka ME) that is that of yourself which you DO reject. But we are still yet the same person.
IS THAT ENOUGH OF A MIND BEND FOR YOU, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER?!
The readers might not get it, but YOU understand, right?
The suits essentially act as a crutch by allowing you to subconsciously piggy-back off that concept to make you subconsciously compartmentalize WHAT KIND OF JOE LEE YOU ARE AT ANY TIME. You wear the All Might suit, you take all this big hammy parts of yourself and ARE All Might... or the Joe Lee equivalent, at least. You wear the Deadpool suit, and its the same shit. Why the hell do you think you can SEE me?
Nigga you crae.
"...Jesus Christ. I need a drink."
Pizza first man. We are STARVING. Just 'cuz we don't need food doesn't mean it doesn't want it. And pizza is good. On a quantum level.
"Amen. And fuck you."
Less than a minute later I was above ground with a brochure I pulled out from my Pocket Room called the Tourist's Guide to Brockton Bay (It had a surprising number of places to grab food ok? I don't trust the PRT phone enough to take it out of Pocket Room for most things and I sure as hell can't go around carrying ALL MIGHT's phone as Deadpool) and began walking.
I ignored the odd stare every once in a while, and was starting to feel odd about people of color seeming to avoid me.
The hell's wrong with them? Do we smell like sewers somehow?
Shit, that reminds me, I need a shower.
Are you admitting that we smell? And you didn't think to tell me?
Shut up.
I didn't really care about the name of the location, but what I DID care about was the fact that this was one of those quick, 10 minute make your own pizza places with a decent following.
The young black girl at the cash register froze at seeing me at the front of the line.
"H-H-How c-can I h-h-h-help... you today, s-sir?"
"Yeah, can I get like, four of those regular sized pizzas? One like a meat lovers, one that's vegetarian, one pepperoni, and a Pineapple and Olive? Just put something together, get creative, I ain't picky." I figured I'd just go for overall coverage. That and I was craving something sweet and salty. Get rid of the foul taste in my fucking soul with some nonsensical pizza with two toppings that had no business sharing space on cheese. And we'd need leftovers for breakfast because I don't want to go shopping for groceries in a cape suit.
She quickly began rolling out dough and tossing on sauces, cheese, and toppings before quickly popping them into the over, avoiding eye contact.
I was so caught up arguing with the Deadpool-me (Bonus Deadpool-me? Because I'm Deadpool-me? How the fuck...) so I honestly didn't even notice these three skin-headed swastika-tatted E88 fuckers until they were inside the store and had fired a handgun into the air before they began demanding money and food like it was their goddamn jobs. That and they were obviously going to shoot the young black lady that was manning the register.
"You do not bite the hand that BAKES YOUR PIZZA PIES. That's like SLEEPING WITH YOUR BARBER!"
Deadpool to the rescue. Que the copyrighted Superman soundtracks, children.
I grabbed the gun, the muzzle in the palm of my hand, and jerked it away from the girl's face as the asshole pulled the trigger.
Bullet burst through my palm like it was made of spicy meatballs and the girl flinched as the bullet and blood spray blew just past her face like a hot air and liquid jetstream.
How the hell.. Is this more of that BULLSHIT nebulous existence crap compartmentalizing bullshit don't that with my POWERS as well?
Ayup. Convenient isn't it?
It's like a broken plot device. Wow that was actually good for helping people believe that Deadpool and All Might are different people.
It's a way of writing yourself out of a hole, yeah.
I ignored the look of sheer terror on the girl's face as I pulled the gun out of the shocked Nazi's hands.
It was Hero Time.
"The fuck are you doing, brother? She's just a nigger!"
I stared.
Empire 88 wore red and black as their primary colors. I, as the only friendly neighborhood Pool-Boy on Earth Beta, wear black and red...
"...Fuck my sideways and call me Sally, the whole time I've been walking around people have been avoiding me becauseTHEY THOUGHT I WAS A NAZI?!"
How the FUCK did BOTH OF US FORGET THAT.
I DON'T KNOW! FUCK WE ARE DUMB AS SHIT!
"...Are... are you not, sir?" the girl that I just saved asked me shakily. Probably still in a bit of shock.
I turned to her with a look of befuddlement that translated pretty well through the mask.
"Would a Nazi do this?"
BANGBANG
I flipped the handgun around and squeezed out two shots as I blew out the right kneecaps of the two Nazis that HADN'T shot me yet. I DID pick up Marksman for a reason, you know.
Almost didn't cuz you're a Peeping Tom lookin' ass fucker that almost chose PRT Info.
They screamed in pain as they clutched their legs. Their racist screams like music to my ears.
Maybe for some it was blood curdling, but after the shit I've been through today, it was likea fucking dream.
"Oh cry me a river. It's like you're so privileged that you've never been shot before." I paused. "No, wait that's probably EXACTLY what the problem is. Don't worry. Your friendly neighborhood Deadpool can fix that."
BANGBANG
Two more shots, the other knees of the already injured Nazis blew out as they howled in pain. Just pure catharsis.
"Fucking hell, a merc with a new lease on life comes in to town looking for a job and turns out, on his very first day, that his costume shares colors with FUCKING ACTUAL NAZIS!Oh stop blubbering, knees aren't vital to the human body, schnitzel-fucks. They're more like the appendix and... huh, today is International Appendicitis Awareness day."
"Is it really?" the cashier girl asked nervously. Wow she was beginning to get WAAAY to close to hyperventilating for my liking.
No, I'm pretty sure she's ACTUALLY in shock.
Oh. Oops.
"No, but I had you going there for a second didn't I? Silly~" I flicked her nose cheerily, getting a blink of confusion. Then I sniffed the air twice. "Is that urine I smell, or did I somebody forget their adult diapers?"
There were stares of absolute confusion. Like people couldn't understand what the fuck was going on.
Which was fine because I found it REALLY hard give a shit in Deadpool mode. And yes, the two kneecapped Nazis were literally pissing themselves stupid.
The way you say Deadpool-mode sounds mega-lame. I'm actually disappointed in you. That shouldn't even BE possible to fuck up.
Bite me.
Still, the Nazi that I stole the gun from wasn't having it.
"YOU RACE TRAIT-" His eyes bulged almost out of their sockets as I shoved the muzzle of his gun into his mouth. There was a light sizzling as the hot metal and trace gunpowder contacted sensitive flesh.
"Oh I'm sorry.Were you talking shit like a man about to die?Or sucking your own dick?" I cocked the gun's hammer with my thumb with a swift and mechanical CLICK. My head wobbled pretentiously at every word.
They aren't people. They're animals.
Yes. Theyare animals.But the Shepard is here now motherfuckers. Pucker your assholes.
He stepped back as I pushed the barrel further into his mouth almost reaching the back of his throat.
"I'm waiting for an answer,prick."
"H-Huken mah ohn hik..."
"I don't SPEAK Nazi German mother-FUCKER, answer me in AMERICAN!"
"HUCKEN MAH OHN HIK!"
I pulled the gun out of his mouth and against his chin as I stepped into his personal space and caressed his cheek extra gay-like.
Nazis hated gays right? It wasn't just Jews and colored folk?
Yup.
Thanks.
"Now you listen here and give this terrified young lady a big tip. She's got some big brass balls for dealing with your dumbass and my sexy one and I've got a soft spot for brave young people like her, ya dig?" I dug the gun harder into his flesh, "But if you don't, well...you're gonna learn that I have somehardspots too." My mouth moved next to his ear and my caressing hand began cupping against said ear instead. "Because it's only gay if we touch tips."
"B-but I ha-"
BANG
The bullet grazed his right earlobe, drawing blood, as I flicked away from him and pulled the trigger, making him freeze in fear. Almost shot off my fingers because I wasn't thinking there for a second. Was more looking to shove the fear of the Gay Cape God next to him INTO him, if you know what I mean.
"What're you waiting for, for me to give you a matching set? Bec-"
He pulled his wallet out tossed it on the counter and ran away, leaving his friends behind.
"No fucking camaraderie. He actually left the fucking two of you behind. You two fuckwaffles wouldn't be Italian would you?" I asked the sniveling Nazis on the ground. Oh, they fainted from blood loss.
No loss there.
I shoved the slobbered on gun into my empty hip holster. Better 1 gun than no guns.
"So! Are my pizzas done yet?"
You'd think the cops would have shown up before long or that somebody would have been patrolling nearby when this was a busy part of downtown, but nothing happened to me personally. (Was that normal? Or did nobody report injured Nazis? 'Cuz I sure as hell didn't) I got my pizza which I put in the Pocket Room and was walking off.
I needed to see if Sherrel knew any Empire supply depots or the like.
Yeah, because how many people get to play the REAL LIFE version of Wolfenstein?
Precisely, and I probably shouldn't have done that back there. Hindsight is really 20-20. The boat's already been rocking. We should let things calm down, so I should lay low for a bit.
But they're animals, remember?
Look even though I don't like the Nazi's we aren't taking our frustrations out on them more than we already HAVE. I thought we agreed that I should calm down some.
I just REALLY enjoyed Wolfenstein thoughhhh.
And I enjoy NOT tipping this boat to the point that it sinks. If I'm doing this, it isn't going to be for a while because this NEEDS a plan. We are NOT going in there like an angry BJ Blazkowicz and run and gunning everything. No matter how fun that would be.
Fine. One gun against the entirety of the Nazi party sounds dumb on paper anyways.
Thank you.
So get your money together that we can get LOTS of guns to fight the Nazis!
"Oh lord preserve me." I muttered as I entered one of the secret tunnels that led to the base as the other voice in my head began singing.
OOOOOOOOH WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA THROWS HIS MIGHTY SHIELD~
ALL THOSE WHO WOULD OPPOSE HIM MUST NOW YIELD!
Hey we should make one of those songs for All Might. Hell you have the OSTs and OPs memorized. Get a Tinker power, make a program and AI for music and work with'em to remake the MHA Openings but with REAL LIFE footage of you fighting! Shieeeet. Shoot that PR through the roof boi!
Please tell me that you're not this annoying when I'm dressed as All Might.
Partly. This part of me doesn't feel the need to bother you unless you ACTUALLY need it when you're in that suit. Because when I do I'm growing a man-gina sharing the same headspace as that part of you. Not that man-gina's aren't fun, but it gets confusing in bed when people would have to choose between that and my ass-pu-
OK THAT'S ENOUGH THANK YOU!
"Sherrel? I'm back! Where are you?" I called out. I had the pizza boxes laid out on a small table in the kitchen area and had no idea where she was at the moment.
"Oh, I was borrowing that Fabricator of yours! Just a second!"
The Fabricator? What did she...
Oh.
Oh Daddy Fucking LIIIIIIIIKES.
Hush.
Sherrel was wearing a skintight full body red bodysuit that zipped up from just below the waist. The top of it was customized to look like an old 50s leather greaser jacket, capable of zipping all the way up to the chin, but currently open to her sternum revealing plenty of cleavage. White accents and lines accented the whole outfit to keep it from being tacky and her shoes which were still part of the whole body suit were like platform shoes with raised heels.
With uh... very, uh, thick soles.
Like her thighs and ass?
Sure let's go with that.
"I, uh, thought I could use a new costume for rebranding myself. I was wondering if we could get me a red motorcycle helmet with a visor so I could modify it with a few things too... Is it too much?"
"No-" FUCK MY VOICE CRACKED. I coughed. "No, uh. Wow. That's great. And all the more power to ya for taking initiative with it. We might need to zip that up a bit more when outside the base though. For the uh pen- PRESS. Yeah. PR is... PR is important. You decided on a name?"
She nodded.
"Rider."
YESSIR I'LL RIDE HER!
I swallowed my tongue. Hurrrk. HELP.
Want me to slap you mentally?
Please.
My head rang like a bell for a second before I blinked and it was gone.
Ok, better.
"Ok. Sounds good. Well, I got a good selection here, take your pick, mix and match, do whatever. Don't freak out that one of them is pineapple and olives though. I, uh, sometimes have weird tastes."
"No worries. I was actually craving something sweet and salty."
Yeah you wer-
HUSH YOU. Fuck I'm gonna change back to the All Might suit.
You win this battle, but you won't win the wa-
I swapped to one of the intact All Might suits and pulled down the facemask (she trusted me with her face, it was only fair that I do the same) and smiled.
"Joe Lee, by the way. Trust should go both ways and I didn't really get a good chance to properly introduce myself. I'm glad that you're trusting me enough to help me out."
She smiled brilliantly at me.
Ah the pangs of guilt again. Shit. I didn't feel that shit in the Deadpool suit at all... Well in the Deadpool suit it was more like the guilt was drowned out by the skintight bodysuit pushing all the right buttons, but still. Shit.
END
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