Euphemistically Yours

“Our understanding of magic suggests that it takes two major forms.” Master Fit took the stance of a lecturing teacher, pacing back and forth in front of the two of us. “The first is control of the winds. From this power springs the ability to summon a breeze, turn away harm, throw objects, or even add force behind your own body’s motions. In the legends, a great magician could still a storm or even stir up lightning.”

“Uhh… yes … and…”

He ignored me to continue. His attitude had switched somewhere from excited interest in her language to a pedantic rant about magic. “Please note! Such power is very rare, and furthermore limited. Even the act of summoning a breeze can strain a magician’s own breath for weeks or months. Too much might even kill them! A wind weaver’s power is truly precious, only to be used when it is most needed.”

“That’s why …”

“The second form is described as the ability to read the wind. Given a clear sky, a mage can predict the future in very vague terms. For example, he could predict good weather tomorrow, a good harvest next year, or a troubled birth.”

“Yes, about that …”

He held up a finger to stop me. “Though the second form of magic is more commonly claimed than the first, that is only in relative terms. True and notable instances cannot be considered anything but rare. There are only a handful of actual wind-readers in this whole country! The rest are fakers and charlatans. Yet, even so, the two mentioned forms of magic are seen sometimes in conjunction together and sometimes alone.”

“Right! And…”

He still ignored my interruptions, this time leaning forward to stare at me. “You say that the girl could work magic. Since that is very unlikely, I must assume you saw an example of the latter. She foretold some coming disaster before it happened?”

“Disaster? Uhh… disaster... uhh... nose hairs! Yes!”

“In other words, she tricked you. But do not be ashamed! It is simple enough for a supposed wind-reader to guess the most likely events of the future. After all, what are the odds of a good harvest over a bad one? If I were to suppose next year’s harvest would be good, then if I’m right, does that make me a magician?”

“No, but …”

“Absolutely not! Such nonsense would be the work of a false prophet! Certainly, we give credit when a prediction comes true, but as the fools we are, we are all too quick to offer excuses when they are wrong! Thus, the only way to truly know the difference is for a known mage to confirm that magic is at work. As such, there is no reason for your concern - which means, you are wasting my time!”

I waited, but he seemed to be done with his tirade.

Unfortunately, when I opened my mouth, he interrupted me again. “I see you don’t believe me. Not many do. But it’s really quite simple. You can leave now.”

“Wait! She can show you, right here and right now.”

“But, we’re inside! She can’t even see the sky!”

“She can control the winds.”

He stopped in place and turned to look at her, finally done with his pacing. “Oh, really? A breeze then? I warn you, there are no open windows in this room. The shutters are narrow.”

“Eu, can you fwoof… err… do your magic on your sand?”

“Magic? Now?” she gave a relieved smile. She’d been waiting a long time.

“Yes. Go ahead.”

I stepped away to give her room, and Master Fit’s eyes followed me. He was probably watching me for some trick, but I kept both hands visible and pointed back towards her.

Eu opened up the cloth full of sand and held it up between her clasped hands. After that, I guess she was feeling vindictive, because she took a step forward toward Master Fit before she closed her eyes.

He looked toward the closed window and shook his head, “You see! Nothing’s happ-”

When the light appeared, he didn’t move. In fact, he froze into that foolish pose, staring at the still shutters of the window. His eyes didn’t even flicker in her direction. The edge of the glassy shell nearly touched his cheek, but he didn’t even budge.

In contrast to the light from a fire or a candle, Eu’s light didn’t flicker. It held a steady brightness and color, illuminating the whole room.

On the other hand, he refused to even look at her. “Err-hmm! Indeed! There’s nothing special going on over here. You might as well give up.”

The sound of wind rushing about was the loudest sound in the room. But, he started humming to himself as if to drown it out. “How long will you keep trying?”

When Eu’s demonstration ended, he slowly turned back again in our direction. “Now then! Since you failed, I can honestly report that I didn’t see or hear anything!”

I stared openly at him. “Why? What's the problem?”

“If I happen to be asked by a curious soul on the basis of some rumor, I can truly say that I didn’t see anything!”

In response, I stumbled backwards.

“After all, if I HAD seen something impressive, I’d need to report it to Kingseat as part of my oath to my former lord.”

“Oh! I see… I understand! Thank you!”

“But, suppose there was a hypothetical magician living in town? Naturally, I would be happy to offer some hypothetical advice.” He moved back to his padded chair and waved his arm to a nearby pair of empty seats.

Eu was quick to sit down. I followed shortly afterwards.

“So, first things first…” he put one finger up only to start stroking his curly mustache. “Let’s talk about your imaginary magician. Someone that can control the winds and even bring forth lightning.”

“It’s not really lightning… it’s harmless!” I objected.

“Tut tut! Stop ruining the story! Now then… what else can this fictitious magician do?”

“She can…”

“HE can! After all, there are no female magicians alive today!”

“He can control the fall of dice. I’ve never actually seen her… errr… him do it. The dice were always underneath the cup. But, I’ve never seen him lose a game of high-low.”

“A fascinating if unprecedented power! Anything else?” He pulled out a new scroll to take notes. The one he'd been writing on while listening to her speak had dropped, forgotten, to the floor.

I considered my most pressing questions. “She... he can form tiny crystals of quartz from sand.”

“Hahaha! This magician is beginning to sound absurdly foolish! Do you have a specimen though? Something that we can use as a prop to spur on our imagination?”

“Yes! I have two pieces! Plus, there’s probably another one inside Eu’s cloth there.”

“How convenient! Can I see them?”

I brought out the two quartz crystals to show him and Eu brought out a third one after searching through the sand inside the handkerchief. All three were essentially identical, perfectly clear without a single scratch.

Master Fit examined the three crystals. He even brought out a glass to look at them in more detail. “All three are so similar, I can’t even tell them apart! If she… err… he could make a large set, it would increase the value since you could sell them as a group.”

“Ah… that’s true… but, I don’t know whether I should sell them.”

“Indeed! There must be some reason for these crystals.” He turned to stare at Eu, then averted his eyes. I suppose he'd reached his breaking point? At some point, he'd have to admit it.

Trying to save him, I offered him more information. “She does this once each morning. I have no idea why.”

“I see! So you’re saying that this theoretical magician - HE can make different crystals and does so on a regular schedule. How utterly unprecedented! I’ve never heard or read anything like that before! Furthermore, you say EACH morning? That's absurd! A magician typically takes months to recover after an act of power!”

“Sure, but… why? Why is she doing it?”

“HE! Must I remind you? A magician is a man! A full grown man at that! Anything else is beyond belief. He must have some reason for his actions. Don't you have any ideas?”

“That’s why I came to you!”

"Well... why haven't you asked her... I mean, err... him?" Master Fit complained.

We both turned to look at Eu who looked away from us. After a moment, she looked back with a smirk. “Pants!”

“Pants?” asked Master Fit.

“Mmm…. that’s another thing." I sighed. "She always prefers to wear pants.”

“Of course HE does. Men wear pants! It’s only natural.”

“If it was only that!” I stopped myself to collect my thoughts. “I only wish it was that simple.”

“Not my problem! La la la!”

I sighed. As a supposed man of learning, he wasn’t helping me at all.

In response, Master Fit gave a chuckle. “So… let’s summarize your fable so far. That way, I know where it will go next! There’s a young magician. Too young to be fully trained. But, he’s able to demonstrate several impressive and strange abilities. Non-harmful lightning, precise control of small objects like dice, and formation of sand into crystals.”

“It’s not really lightning… but, close enough. So what now?”

“I have no idea. This is your story, not mine.” He laughed at me.

“I don’t know what to do! Don’t you have any advice?”

“Let’s see.” He paused to stroke his mustache again. “First off, I wouldn’t tell anybody if I were you. Certainly not until you know more!”

At this, I held out my hands. “It’s already too late for that. The Seneschal already knows a bit, plus the Earl of Winnowheat is claiming that she’s his subject to begin with.”

“In that case, you need to figure out your magician’s abilities sooner rather than later! Otherwise, your magician is going to get snapped up by a bigger fish.”

“No kidding!”

As he considered, he tapped one finger on his mustache, making the curl bounce up and down. “Luckily, the Seneschal will wait for the Duke’s approval to act. I wouldn’t count on the same forbearance from the Earl. You’ll want to keep her…” He coughed. “You’ll want to keep HIM in sight and well protected. The earl won’t send his own men, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he hires mercenaries.”

“Arghh!” I cradled my head in my arms.

“You're giving up already? You need to do some experimentation! So far, it sounds like your hypothetical magician’s powers are all pretty ... strange. But, surely they can be used in battle somehow? What sort of magician isn't useful in war? Ideally, your magician should be able to protect himself!”

“Protect herself? Like what? Like how?”

“That’s your problem, not mine. But, I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll have some ideas for you later. For now, you can go.” With that statement, he turned to his bookcase and started pulling out scrolls.

In other words, we were done. But, his statement suggested that he might have more in the future. I knelt again on leaving, but as I turned to go, I stopped. “Do you know how to contact me?”

“Of course not. However, if you leave your details with my men. I’ll be in touch.” He didn’t even look back in my direction.

“Right…”

In the end, I left feeling even worse off than when I arrived.