Euphemistically Yours

Standing outside the castle gates, I was lost regarding where to go next. All of my plans, all of Constance’s plans - it had all been demolished into rubble. Now, all I could do was see if there were any useful pieces left in the metaphorical wreckage.

Eu had put her bonnet back on after the meeting with the Seneschal, so her hair was covered again. For that, I was thankful since we weren't drawing undue attention. However, instead of that, she was pulling on my arm. “Sand! Magic! Fwoof! Carrot water!”

“Uhh… sand. Right!”

“Right! Right!”

“Hmm… but we’re already here in the upper city.”

“Sand!”

“We might as well go to the scholar.”

“Sand!”

“The address that Brawn gave me is near here in the upper-class area inside the walls.”

“Sand!”

“Yes, yes. Just a second. I’m working on it.” I set off and made my way through a few streets toward an upper-city smithy located near the castle. I knew this part of the town well and I’d been here several times before. This smithy served upper class clientele such as knights, the Duke’s household, and visiting nobility. I’d never purchased anything for myself, but that wasn’t exactly why I was here today.

The forge’s fires were banked, so the business today was sparse. Despite that, there were several apprentices working on finished pieces. One was sharpening a spear, while another was smoothing and polishing a helmet. The master smith was nowhere to be seen.

“Can I buy some sand here?”

“Sand?” One of the apprentices looked up. “This is a smithy. We have some for flux and annealing, but we don’t normally sell sand. You’d have better luck asking at a pottery.”

“Oh! Good idea!” Sand was a critical component to mix into clay for ceramics, so there was sure to be extra sand for sale at a pottery.

With directions from the smithy, I didn’t need to go far. Fired ceramics were important for all walks of life, even in the upper city. The sign above the front door read, “Fine Vases and Sculpture.” In other words, we were in the upper city, so the target clientele were all upper class.

Walking in, I could see that I’d made a mistake. This shop sold the finished products, but not the components. In other words, this was a facade to display the artwork for sale. The artists themselves weren’t even fit to appear in this part of town.

“Can I buy some sand here?”

“Sand?” The proprietor, a frumpy-looking young man, gave me a long look.

“Sand, yes. I need some for my daughter.”

At first he was confused, but then he smiled as he made his own assumptions. “She’s learning the arts? How delightful! Sculpture is a fine example of womanly virtue. Even so, there’s no need to dirty yourself by mixing your own clay. We have slabs already prepared by experts. We also offer classes!”

“Just sand for today.”

His lip twitched in annoyance, but he conceded when he saw that I was determined. “We sell sand in three different grades.”

“Uhh… she’s just a beginner, so let’s start with the basics.”

He ignored me to begin his sales pitch. “We have black sand, the same used at the steelworks, but the resulting clay will be darker. We also have white sand which you would use if you are looking for better texture and malleability. Alternatively, for the best, there’s filtered sand imported from the Easthane ocean shore.”

“Err…” I had no idea if it made any difference. “Why don’t we let her choose? Do you have some samples?”

“Of course!” I could see him calculating the profits in his head as he brought forward three different small boxes. Each one was crafted from fine wood with tight fitting hinges, not much bigger than my fist. In other words, I knew it was expensive. On the other hand, it highlighted the sand inside quite nicely.

At this point, Eu was leaning forward, eagerly examining the different types of sand. I started sweating when she closed her eyes and folded her hands. But then, after a few moments, she gave a smirk and instead pointed at a sack sitting against the far wall. I hadn't noticed it before, but somehow... her magic did?

The shopkeeper turned to look, “Ah! Did the owner send you? That’s river sand from the bank down in the lower city. Is that what you wanted?”

I tried not to stare at Eu. Just what WAS her magic doing? Instead, I kept my gaze locked onto the shopkeeper. “You haven’t said the price yet.”

In other words, we needed to haggle. I started by asking about bulk prices and worked my way down from there. He’d made a big mistake by playing up the quality of the other three.

In the end, sand is sand. I paid more than I should have, but it was still cheap compared to a finished product. It was definitely worth it considering a trip down to the river bank and then back up to the upper city again. Not something that I’d be doing today in my nice clothes!

“May I ask what kiln you’ll be using? You can rent space in ours for a small fee...” The shop keep continued on with his spiel.

Once I had a handful of sand wrapped in my handkerchief, I decided to let loose some of my frustrations. “Did I ever say that she was making pottery?”

His face fell, but then, his merchant smile immediately returned. “Please tell me more! This could be a new market for my shop!”

“Nah… she’s going to feed it to our ducks.”

He blinked twice. “Ducks? But, why?”

“To make them stronger. They keep falling apart!”

“W-wh-wha… huh?”

“When she feeds them rocks, all they do is quack.”

“Hmm… crack… yes,” he groaned.

I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I laughed out loud at his despair.

He sighed, “Well… please come back if you want more.”

In other words, I hadn’t haggled hard enough. He’d swindled me, but it was only a few small coins and right then, I didn’t even care. I’d enjoyed my stupid joke and I was feeling up to the next task.

Once we were out on the street again, I looked around to find my bearings.

“Eu, we’re going to the scholar next. Do you want to hold the sand?”

Her hand instantly snapped out to grab the package. After that, she was all too happy to carry it. She cuddled lovingly in her arms as if it were her only child. Just how desperate was she?

Since the time was approaching the noon bell, I moved quickly through the streets. The scholar’s address was painfully near to the castle, so I cut across some gardens and back alleys to reach my final destination. I didn’t want to attract the attention of any passing knights or other nobles. I’d had enough trouble for one day - or so I thought.

Brawn's directions led to the front gate of an expensive mansion. According to him, his scholar acquaintance was the third son of an Earl in Northold. Instead of joining the church, as many extra sons do, he’d been sent to study abroad, south, in the Alliance of Cities. After that, he'd served as an advisor to the Duke here. Older now, he was content to live on the income of his land and wealth.

The grounds around his house were well-kept, and I noticed several gardeners and servants busy at their work. I’d known what to expect, but this man was far above my rank and status. He didn’t have an official title, but my estimate placed him about the same as a baron or even a viscount.

Eu’s interest seemed to be piqued. In fact, this mansion appeared to be more interesting to her than even the castle. As we approached the front gate, her head swiveled back and forth to take in the sights. She spent quite a bit of time staring up at the high windows and gables on the house.

A gateman was resting on a stool just inside the yard posts, so I paused there for him to ask about our business. He had a gray beard, but he was wearing a jaunty hat and a clean uniform. Since we weren’t on his list of expected appointments, he gave us an odd look, and then a smirk when he looked at Eu.

“Orphan?” he asked, as if that was the most pertinent question.

“Yes and no. She’s mine. But she’s lost her family.”

“You’ll have to do better than that. Either she’s an orphan, or she isn’t.”

“We aren’t looking for money. Only advice.”

“Oh, that’s different. I’ll ask inside.” With that, he jumped off of his chair and traipsed up the path through the front door of the house. The gate itself remained closed, so we were left waiting.

Since I was given the time to think, I realized that I should prepare Eu for her important role. “According to Brawn, Master Fit, the man of the house, has a soft spot for orphans. His late wife was one herself - so he has a charitable nature. If you could act sad and pitiful, that might help.”

“Orphan, yes!” She seemed to understand me, and somehow made her eyes even bigger and wetter. She also stuck out her lower lip and set it to trembling. I’d seen that expression several times already, so I felt only disgust at how easily she could play with people’s hearts. What a monster! But, at least she was MY monster.

After a while, the gateman returned to lead us in. This revealed that the inside of the mansion was even more opulent than the grounds outside. Each room was festooned with elaborate tapestries, while thick rugs covered every floor. The furniture was also decorated with carvings and thick cloth.

I was careful not to touch anything and I kept a close eye on Eu. Who knew what she might do with her thieving fingers! On the other hand, my scrutiny seemed unnecessary since there were two footmen following us, their hard eyes watching our every move.

“Welcome to my house. I've been told that you come seeking advice?” Master Fit, the lord scholar, was eating an early lunch within what I could only call a library. His finely upholstered chair was surrounded by a jumble of bookshelves full of rolled scrolls, maps, ledgers, plus boxes and other storage.

As you might expect, he was expensively dressed in a brightly colored doublet and lots of lacy fluff. I could tell at a glance that he wasn’t a working man by his bulging belly. Furthermore, the curled tips of his mustache above a shaved chin marked him as a man of style and leisure. Naturally, I knelt down on the floor and pulled down Eu with me. He was obviously higher than me in both status and wealth. Just speaking to him was dangerous.

Unfortunately, Eu had been pulling back against my arm from the moment we entered the room. Looking over at her face, I saw that she’d lost her lost-waif facade and switched expressions for an outright glare at the man.

I did my best to recover my composure and brought forth my sad story. “This poor girl, by name of Euphoria, was left in my care when her hard-working mother passed away. She had no living relatives, so I could not abide to leave the girl in such distress. However, her language is unfamiliar to me as well as her customs. As a well-traveled man, perhaps you could shed light on this puzzling enigma?”

After blotting at his mouth with a cloth, he took a look at Eu, who froze into place under his inspection. I could feel her hand trembling in mine as he hummed and hahhed at her. Eventually, he presented his conclusion. “Indeed! Yes… I’d say she looks to be a mixed breed. Half plainsman, I’d say, but the other half… I’m not sure. I can’t quite place it going only by appearance. Mayhaps you would have her speak in her native tongue? Hearing her speak may shed light on your question.”

I nudged Eu, but she shook her head. Having no choice, still kneeling, I leaned over beside her ear to whisper, “What’s the problem?”

“That man is bad!”

“What do you mean? How do you know?”

“That man has a big belt and big nose hairs!”

“You mean his mustache?”

“Bad! Bad BIG nose hairs”

“I see. Well… ahh… we still need to talk to him.”

She shook her head again. “Bad big nose hairs! Bad! Trouble!”

“You really shouldn’t judge people by their appearance. I have a beard too, you know.”

At this, she put her hands to her face to demonstrate. She made a circle with her fingers from her nose underneath each eye, imitating his curly mustache. “Bad nose hairs! Bad man!”

I sighed. Apparently Mister Fit’s facial hair had set her off. I looked back toward him, where he was peering curiously toward our whispered conversation. I needed to do something, so I came up with an excuse. “My apologies, Master Fit. Euphoria is afraid to disgrace your ears with her foreign tongue. You see, it is quite harsh on the ears.”

“Oh! Is that so? Well… I’m sure it’s no more barbaric than some of the other things I’ve heard. Please convince her to go ahead.”

“Eu,” I hissed at her. “Say something in your own language. Like… your mother’s name.”

“My mother?” She was still reluctant.

I nodded and whispered again to her, “Your mother’s name!”

It took some more convincing. But, eventually, she turned back toward Mister Fit, drew in her breath, and then uttered the shameful phrase that I’d heard only once before, “**GENTEELISM**.”

With a startled gasp, Master Fit dropped his spoon onto the floor while his mouth gaped open in horror. In turn, the two footmen each retreated a step while wincing from the pain. Not that it was loud, but the emphasis on the concepts described were beyond what a virtuous man should hear or even think about.

“How awful!” Master Fit exclaimed when she was finished.

“Agreed! But, that is her language. It sounds like one long stream of curses. The sounds are jumbled together and the vowels have no tones. Can you tell what she is saying?”

“Of course not! It sounds more like the barking of a dog! What a foul, brutish tongue! Indeed, I can only imagine the repulsive savages that would speak in sounds like that! I’ve never heard anything so hideous!” On the other hand, his face didn't match his words. He had an excited grin as if he'd found a hidden treasure.

“You don’t have any ideas?” I sighed.

“None! I’ve learned the language of all our neighbors. I’ve heard the tongues of savages from as far as the western islands, but I’ve never heard anything like this! Where did you meet her mother?”

“Uhh… I’d rather not say. With her mother gone on before her, I wouldn’t want her kinsmen searching for her and taking her back to her … uncivilized life.”

“Indeed! I can see that her former upbringing isn’t conducive to good morals! No doubt, the location where you met her mother could not be her origin. But where could she have come from?" He rubbed his hand along his hairless chin, then started stroking his curled mustache. "How strange! Could you have her say something else?”

“Err… Euphoria,” I whispered to her. “Can you say your own name next?”

At my urging, she let loose the next salvo. “**EUPHEMISM**"

The guards covered their ears and blushed, but Master Fit leaned forward to listen carefully. “How utterly grotesque!”

“Uhh… yes. It is, isn’t it?” At this point, I wasn't even sure what to say.

“Did she seriously spit on my carpet as part of her speech? Does her native tongue include intentional expectoration?”

I looked down. “I don’t see anything…” Actually, I did, but I wasn’t about to admit it.

“No matter! It was well worth the experience!” He pulled out a scroll to take notes. “Naturally, I have nothing but pity for such degenerate beasts. Who knows what foul conditions she has been exposed to? I shudder to think of it! Even so, what a fascinating puzzle!”

Except, he wasn’t shuddering. If anything, the one shuddering was Eu. I didn't blame her. It seemed like a sensible reaction considering the man’s sudden enthusiasm. I had to admit, his unexpected interest was terrifying in its own way. He seemed to be delighted or even pleased by the profanity she had unleashed.

More importantly, while I’d meant this initial conversation as a minor point before the main topic, we’d gotten even further from my intent. “Master Fit. My apologies, but there’s another wrinkle as well. But first, I must ask for you to swear that you won’t tell anyone.”

“There’s something even worse than her disgusting jabbering? Why, of course!” If anything, at this point, he looked delighted by the idea. “I swear I won’t tell a soul! What gruesome secret could be worse than what you have already shown us?” Of course, his fervent demeanor didn’t fit the meaning inherent in his words.

I glanced at his guards, and his gaze followed my eyes.

“Leave us!” He commanded and the two reluctantly retreated, closing the door behind them.

Once I’d given them time to withdraw, I turned back to face him. “More curious than her strange language is that she can work magic, but I don’t understand what she’s doing.”

“Oh? Oh! Ohhhhh! How rare! How fascinating!”

Eu’s hand was held in mine, so when Fit stood up from his chair. I could feel her fingers clench. There was a zealous gleam in the man’s expression as his eyes focused on her face.

It didn’t help that I’d started trembling as well. At some point, my errand had gone terribly awry. How had Eu predicted this disaster just from seeing a man’s nose hairs?