Cycles of Entropy

I woke up in the inn, clutching at my chest where I'd been gripping Millie's body. My fingers refused to uncurl as I gasped for breath. My heart tried to burrow further into my chest, beating ferociously with its fear of the world around me. I was paralyzed by the emotional torrent that assaulted me. A thousand contradictory thoughts, anxieties, and reliefs settled around me like ice. Everything had ended and I couldn't fight it. No matter what I did it ended the same way. Those sweet girls I tried to save... It was pointless. I couldn't even approach the spell that started it all.

But... It wasn't over. It was morning again, and nothing horrible I had seen over the last few days had happened yet. The fires, the attacks, Harrison's charred body. Junia and Millie. Everyone was safe and alive. I had another chance to help them. I had what I'd wanted for so long. The chance I'd whispered to myself about instead of sleeping every night since I left home. I could fix my mistakes. I could do better. I could try, anyway.

And then, again, I started to question what the point was. I knew where this city was heading and running myself ragged to bandage the leaks wouldn't save a single soul. I would do as much good staying in that bed and counting. I told myself that; I even believed it. But the whole thought process made me feel sick. I wouldn't do any good at all for anyone. That final day with the spell tearing the town apart was coming and it was beyond my power to stop it. But I couldn't let it happen. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't fail to stop it.

The fundamental problem threatening to shackle my feet was simple. The only reason I was still able to try anything at all was the loop. No matter how many times I failed, I believed the loop would send me back and I could try again. But with my failures went my successes. Every kind thing I did would turn to so much dust. But I sat up and grabbed the ribbon to tie my hair in its usual top knot. Then I left my room. Because there was no answer to my problem. There was no way to help anyone and make it matter. But Camilla wouldn't give a shit, so I could at least pretend I didn't either. As I walked down the stairs, I mentally perused the list I'd made with Livia the day before.

There were so many people I could help, and I knew where to find them. Then, just before entering the common area, I paused. There was another problem. I closed my eyes and pictured Junia's cold, desperate face. I felt Millie's still skin in my arms. Leaving them was out of the question. I would never let Junia hold Millie on that third day, and I certainly wasn't going to leave them, rotting and undiscovered in an abandoned home. But as I thought about the list of events, just on the first day, my heart fell like a stone. There were too many things. Too many people on too many days. I had maybe an hour before the first victim of the Quiet killed her son in their kitchen.

I had to find their home and stop her. But that meant leaving Junia and Millie waiting. The woman's son was an adult, and the girls were children, but... How was I supposed to make a choice like that? It should seem obvious. The girls would survive an hour while I stopped another tragedy. But what about the one after that, and the one after that? Just on the first day, I had a few dozen people to help. Many of them at the same time. Anything I did would be abandoning someone else. I could compartmentalize the hopelessness of it all. I could ignore that none of it would matter at the end of the loop, because that's what Camilla would have done. She wouldn't have let people suffer, even if the day was going to reset.

But choosing between who suffered and who was saved? How could I do that? I couldn't picture Camilla doing that; she had always known just what to do. She would have figured out a way to save everyone. Which meant... I had to be Mars or be no one at all, and Mars couldn't do this. And if I did do this, I could only add to my list of regrets. Even if the loop reset, I would always remember the ones I abandoned. And if I used the nature of the loop to help everyone at least once, I would also remember abandoning almost everyone at least once. The transient and temporary nature of my choices ensured that the upper limit of my help would be matched in magnitude by the lower limit of my failures. I couldn't be more invested in the good events of one loop than the bad.

And the moment I decided to care enough to do the good, to be like Camilla, I had to take on the bad. So my feet were heavy as I stepped into the common area. I felt as if I should be leaving splintered footprints on the wood floor, and each step wanted to grow roots. Once I reached the door, I was going to have to make a decision. Help the girls first, or help the man visiting his mother whom I'd never met. My heart called out for the girls. It wanted to hold Millie again and see Junia with a kind look. I wanted to see Junia getting to hold her sister. I wanted to see Harrison safe. Most of all, the image of them in their abandoned home couldn't be scrubbed from my mind. If I went somewhere else, it would be there, tormenting me.

But in a way, that's what gave me pause. I had made decisions in the past because the horrible things I could see felt worse than the ones I only had to imagine. In a way, that mentality is what made me who I was. Who I am. I didn't want to repeat my mistakes. But once I chose the first person over the girls, I would have to make the same choice again and again.

"Mars, you're up earlier than I expected," Livia said, pulling me back to reality. I paused and looked at her with brief surprise. I was confused by her friendly demeanor for a moment. I'd almost forgotten that with the end of the loop, our relationship had been reset as well. I almost wanted to ask for her advice but I knew how that would end. As friendly as she was, she had confirmed what I had known for a long time. Ever since I first discovered that 'Undone' could cure death, there was an air of disbelief in my magic. No one ever believed me. Excepting spells I cast directly in front of them, no one believed when I simply told them about my magic. And I couldn't prove the loop.

So getting advice would only lead to ruining this loop with Livia. "Mars, you still with us?" Livia asked again and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to center myself.

"Sorry, yes, I... have to go," I announced unceremoniously before heading toward the door.

"Wait, Mars, you should eat-" I heard her insisting as I left. I didn't have time to eat. I knew where I was heading and I had to get there. My fingers twitched as I hurried through the market, past the familiar children playing and the familiar vendors peddling their wares. My arm itched where Junia had clawed and bit me, although it was only a phantom feeling. The city town was as dreary as ever, but in a way, it was also cheerful. No, cheerful wasn't the right word. It was bright. At least, against the backdrop of the final day I had just lived through it was bright. The hope wasn't gone yet. Many people still believed they had a future.

I felt like I was just short of running because I didn't want to change my mind. Every step I took allowed guilt to settle on my shoulders. If I paused I was going to second guess myself again, and I could freeze again. I had to carry the momentum. I did have one brief stop to make but even that was part of the forward motion; the reinforcement of my choice. I didn't slow down until I knew it was too late. Until I knew that, even if I changed my mind, I wouldn't have had time to go back. Because I had been holding Millie in the last moments before I died, and I couldn't leave them where they were, with that being my most recent memory. I had to get the girls to safety.

Once I'd finally passed the point of no return, I finally slowed. The weight of my choice was like needles beneath my feet, punishing me for each step. Yet again, as I passed the cemetery, I paused to admire the neatly kept graves. The corners of my mouth twitched down in an unbidden frown. A part of me screamed that I'd done the wrong thing while another felt nothing but relief. For a moment I felt as if I could see my own grave, alone and untended, but it was just that familiar worry clawing at my mind. As I got closer, I tilted my head.

Something moved behind one of the headstones. As I focused, I realized it was the same grave as on the previous loop. The same boy was digging in the same spot. Except, this time I had gotten here hours earlier. This gave me pause. It didn't feel like the prank I had assumed it was. What was he after? I shook my head, it wasn't important. The girls were. I wrapped my arms around the warm cloth full of bread and fresh fruit I had bought on the way over. They wouldn't spend the morning hungry. Not this time.

I passed by the cemetery, this time leaving the boy to his task. The indignation I'd felt the first time had faded, and some part of me didn't want to stop him. So instead I walked to Junia's home and decided to focus on the living. The living I hadn't chosen to abandon, anyway. The thought of the man dying at the hands of his own mother because I'd decided not to help him stabbed at me. I knew he needed help and I'd gone somewhere else. But I didn't know what else to do. In retrospect, the answer was obvious. But I was a selfish person and I couldn't see past my own nose.

That guilt was curbed by the joy I knew I'd feel at holding the girls again. At helping them sooner than I had the last time. At being with them, alive and safe, for another day. I lifted my free hand and, a pang of nerves I hadn't expected suddenly rushing through my veins, knocked. There was no response at first and I suddenly worried the loop had changed again. I didn't know why it had changed the first time and I couldn't guarantee it wouldn't again. After a moment I knocked again. Finally, the door creaked open and a bleary-eyed Junia cautiously peeked out at me, fear written across her partially obscured face.