Crazy Britain:They’re All Raising Me

"This—"

The scene before Guinevere's eyes was so far beyond his expectations that his thoughts stalled for a good moment.

First, the fact that Bavanzi was clashing with Chaldea.

Guinevere had no doubt they would soon encounter both Chaldea and either Bavanzi or Artoria. But that those two parties would come to blows...

—Well, okay, maybe it wasn't that surprising after all... Considering Bavanzi wasn't exactly the easiest person to get along with—excluding him, of course—it wouldn't be too far-fetched for her to start a fight with Chaldea over some misunderstanding... right?

The second thing was the unexpected addition to the Chaldea lineup—someone who, from a distance, gave off the kind of vibe that screamed "terrible at FGO but plays it obsessively"—or, to put it more accurately... "unskilled but obsessed."

In any case, someone who definitely shouldn't have been with present-day Chaldea was now fighting alongside them—a woman wielding two Han swords, wearing black-rimmed glasses, and sporting a long braided ponytail.

Even Guinevere, who only passively followed the entirety of FGO Part 2's plot via online memes, remembered the chaos from when 2.3 first dropped. That's when he learned who she was from the group chat banter.

—Kirei Hina. Nicknamed "Grumpy Old Kirei," one of Chaldea's original A-Team members. But in truth, she was a terminal spirit born from the Cosmic Sea, tasked with maintaining the surface layer of reality. Her status was exceedingly high. Though many mistook her for a True Ancestor (and maybe she kind of was?), in essence, she resembled more the likes of Arraine or the Hundred Arraine variants from the Fairy Kingdom.

But putting aside all that convoluted Nasuverse lore—which even Nasu himself probably can't fully keep track of—the most attention-grabbing part of Kirei Hina was her name from when she lived in ancient China:

—Yu Ji.

She had once loved the superweapon Xian Yu in the Type-Moon timeline and had wandered the Earth for over two thousand years after his death. Eventually, she was picked up by Chaldea's former director and joined the A-Team.

And considering that during his first Destiny Simulation with Artoria, Guinevere had suggested that among the forty-seven Master candidates frozen in Romania, maybe some could recover naturally... it actually made sense for Kirei Hina to show up here.

After all, she was the type who simply refused to die—going so far as to develop a combat style built entirely around infinite self-destruction. Since she'd just regenerate afterward, she fully embraced her role as a living bomb.

Now if only Mr. Invincible, Mr. Dai, had also been discovered and thawed by Romani... That guy could solo Goetia, after all. If he were revived, Chaldea would have no trouble steamrolling all of Part 1's Singularities.

—But enough digressions. Neither of the two surprises mentioned above were what truly shocked Guinevere. For that, we must turn our eyes to the battlefield.

Slender fingers danced across bowstrings, unleashing razor-thin magic-infused slashes that could slice through steel—arcing straight toward a certain orange-haired girl's slender neck.

But just before the magical slashes could land, a girl wielding a shield had already stepped in front, raising her weapon to intercept. Though the slashes came from every angle, she nimbly maneuvered to block each and every one.

Then, the next moment—twin Han swords, dripping with blood, carved through the mist like blood-red meteors, slicing unpredictable paths as though they had wills of their own, and surged toward Bavanzi.

Yet Bavanzi, with a single hand, caught both swords mid-air. A casual flick of her fingers sent them veering off course and shooting off in the opposite direction.

In response, she swiftly drew her bow and fired a massive magical arrow. The braided woman who had just attacked her was too slow to dodge—or perhaps didn't bother to try. The arrow pierced cleanly through half her torso.

Without missing a beat, Bavanzi turned again and fired a volley of magical arrows like a meteor shower, pushing the shield girl back once more.

Seeing the girl struggle to hold her ground,Bavanzi cocky nature flared up immediately. She laughed gleefully:

"What's wrong?! What's wrong?! Can't hold up anymore? So this is the so-called strength of Proper Human History's Servants? Pathetic! You two are just bottom-tier trash! Hahaha~"

Guinevere watched in silence for two seconds, then rubbed his eyes.

Did I wake up wrong or something? Is Baobhan Sith soloing Chaldea?

He rubbed his eyes again—still the same sight: Bavanzi, 1v2, pressing Chaldea down.

A big question mark hovered over Guinevere's head.

What the hell is going on?

He didn't even have time to feel proud that his dear Baobhan had "made it"... because he knew all too well how powerful—or rather, how not powerful—she was.

Mash was still in her early, undeveloped stage, sure. She didn't even know the name of the Heroic Spirit she was fused with, so her output was understandably limited... but Kirei Hina was standing right next to her, wasn't she?

How was Baobhan Sith, once the shame of the Fairy Knights, managing to overpower someone with a spiritual rank comparable to Woodworth?

That's when Guinevere got his answer.

"Ugh, this is so annoying! Getting taunted by some bratty little goblin?!"

The spot where Baobhan Sith had pierced her was already regenerating—flesh reforming from blood. Kirei Hina turned and snarled at Mash and Ritsuka:

"I told you from the start—working together was a bad idea! You two just hold me back! You're limiting what I can do!"

"If it weren't for worrying about collateral damage to you two, I'd have already self-destructed and finished her off!"

"Now look what's happened! All my attacks rely on channeling blood into my weapons or forming them directly from blood, and this bitch can fight me for control over blood itself! How is that even possible?! I've never seen anything like it!"

"S-Sorry, senpai! I didn't mean to drag you down!" Ritsuka immediately folded.

"But this isn't the time to argue! Do you have any way to beat this unknown Servant besides self-destruction?"

"You just keep piling on impossible demands!" Kirei Hina shouted. "Do you even know how hard it is to fight like this in a body not meant for combat?! If that last Servant's Saint Graph had just been devoured like I told you, I'd be at full strength now!"

"But we missed that chance, didn't we?" Ritsuka pleaded. "So... is there any other way?"

"If there were, would I be standing here taking crap from this pint-sized goblin?!"

"Who are you calling a goblin?! You hick! Can you not run your mouth for one second?!"

Baobhan Sith didn't quite understand what "goblin" meant, but she knew an insult when she heard one. While still firing her arrow barrage, she lobbed another magic arrow right at Kirei Hina.

"Who's the hick, huh?! I've lived this long and never been insulted like that!" The arrow pierced her abdomen again, but Kirei Hina didn't even glance at the wound. She snapped back:

"What, is your mouth a recycling bin? Why so full of garbage?"

"I'm not spouting garbage! I'm just stating facts!" Baobhan Sith shouted. "Only village hicks wear braided pigtails, okay?! And those glasses are so outdated! Also, you're the one lying—I'm not a goblin! I'm over a hundred years old! I'm old enough to be your grandma!"

"Hah! A hundred years? You dare brag about your age in front of me? You're not even a fraction of my age, you little runt! I'm over two thousand years old!"

"Yeah, and you're still useless! You've lived two thousand years and can't even beat me! You wasted every single one of those years!"

Veins throbbed on Kirei Hina's forehead. She recalled her dual blades and said with murder in her eyes:

"That's it. I've had enough. You two—fall back! Leave me alone with this brat. I swear, if I don't blow her to bits today, I'm not Kirei!"

"But senpai... your real name isn't even Kirei..." Ritsuka mumbled, only to immediately cover his mouth under her murderous glare.

...

"...Mordred. Let's go. It's time to step in and stop this ridiculous fight."

Realizing he could no longer just stand by, Guinevere slowly covered his face.

Perhaps he'd subdued Bavanzi a bit too quickly, so she'd reverted to her sweet and obedient little-girl persona around him. He'd nearly forgotten what her original personality was like...

Watching her now in full-on foul-mouthed fury—he was genuinely shocked.

Is this what it's like when she argues with Artoria behind my back?

But Guinevere was mistaken. Bavanzi had never been good at verbal sparring. She was the type who only knew how to call people "idiot" and "fool"—until she met Artoria.

After being verbally obliterated by her prisoner Artoria during the third simulation, Bavanzi had resolved to improve. She began thinking up insults in her spare time—rehearsing future comebacks for the next round. And now, finally, her skills were beginning to show, though she still hadn't had a proper chance to go toe-to-toe with Artoria.

Just then, Mordred said beside him:

"Eh? Why join in?"

She didn't even look up.

"I think their catfight's kind of fun. Why stop them?"

"..."

Guinevere took a deep breath. He could feel his blood pressure rising.

After composing himself, he explained:

"If this keeps going, they'll probably fight to the death..."

"And given that this area is close to where we ran into Jack, there's a high chance one of them has encountered her in the past few days..."

"Then what are we waiting for?!"

Mordred shot to her feet.

"It's time!"

"Wait—us? No, hold on, just wai—"

Before Guinevere could object that he hadn't planned to jump into this Servant deathmatch, Mordred reached over, grabbed him around the waist, and hoisted him up.

"We're going in!"

Back on the battlefield, just as Mash was preparing to cover Ritsuka's retreat and leave the battleground to the "Little Bavanzi" vs. "Grumpy Old Kirei" deathmatch, a heavy thud shook the ground.

When they turned to look, they saw a new Servant had arrived—a brilliant, imposing figure: the rebellious knight.

"We've detected a new Servant joining the fray—alignment unknown. Judging by her appearance, likely a Knight-class Servant!"

Mash immediately shifted to high alert.

"But... is she carrying a body?"

She stared at what Mordred casually tossed down—a half-conscious Guinevere, flailing limply like a sack of potatoes—and hesitantly added,

"...Maybe a corpse?"