Conscious, Conscientious

69. Belief



“Kid! Hey, kid! You alive?!”

Lammy’s eyes opened unsteadily. He was hunched over in a strange position and everything was sore. Lifting his head, he saw the taxi driver leaning over the driver’s seat in a panic. A bloody scrape was on his chin.

“Yeah…” Lammy muttered, his senses slowly returning.

Everything around the driver was foggy at first, until Lammy made out the dented in metal of the car’s destroyed frame, and the shards of glass everywhere.

“Miss! MISS! Can you hear me?!”

Lammy realized the taxi driver must have shifted his attention to Zayza.

He jolted alert and turned to her instantly.

“ZAYZA!” Lammy cried.

She was slumped over against the shattered window, unconscious. A thin streak of blood ran down one side of her head.

~

Zayza’s eyes refocused slowly.

Then she came to with a start when her leg slipped, but felt nothing beneath it.

She was sitting on black, jagged stone. Beneath her lay an endless, dark abyss, encompassed within steep walls of rock that narrowed closer each other the farther down she looked.

Above her, the natural walls reached so far she couldn’t see the tops, obstructing her view of the pale red sky. Rocks stuck out like spikes at random, including the one she’d found herself on. The patterns in her green dress were vivid against the stone.

Her mind tried to gather itself.

“We crashed…” she realized aloud. “But if I’m here, I’m alive.”

But…what about Lammy and the driver?

Zayza rushed to begin her ritual for exiting the Dream World, closing her eyes.

Then, though she heard nothing, she felt a familiar presence.

Zayza paused. She opened her eyes to find the dark memories staring back at her, floating above the abyss. The sharp, triangular light shards came together gracefully, forming a faceless, glowing version of her own image.

“We survived,” its unnatural, glassy voice noted.

“We did,” said Zayza. She didn’t prepare a defense, or attempt to warp away to safety. She knew her dark self wouldn’t attack anymore.

Things had changed days before.

“The situation is more severe now. Raznizu could still be close. I fear only our full self is equipped for the attack we’re under now,” the shards urged. “Do you…wish to know more?”

Zayza stared back at this being—the rest of her true self—unable to form a decision. “But…” she started.

“Kotono and Hiroko say they’re putting off telling you what they know, because it’s best to wait until you’re safe,” the shards said. “But they’re just scared. They’re afraid to watch us suffer again, and not be able to help us.”

Zayza…!

Lammy’s voice rang distantly in her head.

The shards must have read her expression and figured it out, because they slowly hovered a bit closer.

“The outsider…he loves you very much,” they observed.

Zayza realized the shards didn’t use ‘we’ this time. It wasn’t referring to both of them as a single unit, and Zayza understood why: Lammy loved what he knew of Zayza; the person she was without her past. But she couldn’t deny it any longer: she was an incomplete version of herself, and that was the person Lammy loved.

When she recovered her true, full identity, would he still accept her?

“If you truly wish to protect him, we must become one again,” the shards said. “Only then, will you understand why he’ll be much better off without us. As will we, without helping him.”

Zayza, say something…! Lammy’s voice echoed.

Zayza’s hesitant glare strengthened, filling with resolve. “I want to uphold our new agreement,” she told the shards. “Only give me a few more memories, and I won’t resist.”

The being’s posture eased, seeming satisfied. It nodded, and then a small collection of shards broke off its shoulder and floated glisteningly to Zayza.

~

Lammy unclipped his seatbelt and crawled over to Zayza desperately. He shook her shoulder.

“Zayza! Hey!” he pleaded.

Zayza’s eyes blinked open. Pushing against the taxi door, she sat up quickly, however somewhat unevenly.

“I’m…I’m alright…” she uttered.

“Now…hold up,” the taxi driver let out. “Z—Zayza?” he repeated slowly.

Lammy and Zayza’s eyes fell on him. His face had gone ghostly.

“As in…Princess Zayza, right?” he continued, beside himself. He pushed farther back from them slowly. “Heh…I thought you looked familiar, but…I didn’t think...” He suddenly cursed, his speech growing more erratic. “This uh…this doesn’t look good for me…”

“What do you mean?” Lammy asked uneasily.

“Get out of my car right now.”

The words came bluntly, slamming against their ears in total contrast to his previous tone. Maybe it was the crash, but Lammy struggled to keep up. Even with no knowledge about this wheeled machine they sat in, he knew it couldn’t go anywhere in this condition, anyway.

But the driver’s decision was final.

“GET OUT! Especially her!”

“But—we’re not anyone to be scared of—”

Zayza grasped Lammy’s shoulder both swiftly and tenderly. Her face was solemn.

“We should listen,” she said plainly.

Her tone was even more alarming than the driver’s. In fact, Lammy barely recognized her voice. There was a totally unfamiliar certainty, and stoicism. Even her green eyes gazed with a knowing stillness.

“We understand,” Zayza said. “And we’re sorry for all the trouble.”

She turned to open the crooked door, which didn’t give way until a forceful shove, and stepped outside.

Perplexed, Lammy rushed to his own broken door to catch up. He stumbled out of the car and onto the dirt road.

Standing up, soreness throbbed throughout his body. But his eyes fell on the vehicle, and he realized things could have gone much worse. It was crumbled all around, with glass surrounding the tilted tires across the ground. Smoke rose steadily from the front of the car. Even if it wasn’t totally destroyed, it was certainly useless at the moment.

As far as he could see, nobody was around them. The wide road was between two steep slopes that curved into a collection of bumpy hills.

Lammy’s memory awakened: Raznizu’s car had flipped down the left slope after Lammy struck it with a desperate attack. If Raznizu survived the crash, it was unlikely he’d close back in on them any time soon.

The driver placed a grieving hand on his trusty machine, his face grim.

“I’m…so sorry this—” Lammy tried.

“GO! Get out of here!” the driver shouted. He slammed his fist against the crumpled metal. “It’s not the car, alright? I just can’t be seen with you two, got it?! If anyone finds out I was helping Princess Zayza…I’m…it’s over for me, you understand?!”

Lammy felt frozen.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” he repeated louder. “She gets it, why don’t you?!”

“Huh?”

Lammy spun around to find Zayza was nowhere in sight—she’d already run away without him.

Panic set in. His only guess was that she must have hurried down the steep slope beside the car, opposite to the one Raznizu had fallen down.

“Wait! Zayza!”

He ignored his pain and raced past the vehicle towards the hills. Staring down their grassy slopes, he realized if she hurried down as fast as he assumed, she could have easily fallen to her death.

“I’m…I’m sorry, kid,” uttered the driver.

Lammy looked back to him one more time.

“Best of luck,” the driver added solemnly.

Lammy turned and hurried after his companion. With all the twists and turns in the hills, there was no way to know which way she went. His feet slid as he tried to balance urgency with caution.

“Zayza!”

What was she thinking? Without him, she had no way to defend herself in the real world. Was she trying to protect him by pushing him away again? They’d already been through this back with the Ancient Sages, and vowed to stay together no matter what. He had her back.

But he couldn’t deny: Zayza had been acting strange for the past several days of travel. Ever since they had to take rotating shifts for sleeping and being on the lookout from Raznizu, she kept conversations to a minimum…especially whenever Lammy asked about the Dream World.

Oh no…something happened in there, he realized.

Did the monster get to her? Did it all of her memories return?

Lammy’s downward climb, and rising heartbeat, continued as the sky aged above. But his findings yielded no results. After motivating himself to overrule his aching body, Lammy turned back around and climbed up the nearest slope. It was time to try a different route.

“Zayza!” he cried out as he neared its top. “Zay—”

His foot slipped, and suddenly he found himself sliding down the grass on his back. Just when he thought it would never end, the hill evened out and he halted right before a smaller drop.

He lay still for a moment. The incredibly distant Worlds up in the now orange and pink sky seemed to watch over him, awaiting his next move.

Lammy heard a shuffling, and then a warm hand grasped his. Zayza, her long hair in a frenzy and covered in grass, had come to him.

“I slipped in the same spot,” she muttered quietly. “Here.”

Zayza helped Lammy sit up, and sat beside him. But her back turned mostly away from him, as if she were repelled.

“I…I became overwhelmed,” she said.

“It’s okay,” Lammy replied. He tried to catch her eyes, but she stayed faced away. “I don’t care what the driver said,” he started, “we’re in this—”

“Don’t,” pleaded Zayza.

Lammy’s heart sunk.

“I know we promised each other, but the longer this all plays out, the more danger I’ll cause you,” she urged. “I need to get you somewhere safe, and then distance myself as soon as possible. I don’t want it, but that’s what’s probably best…for both of us.”

That stoic tone from earlier was back again—and while it was foreign to Lammy, it somehow came across natural, like she’d spoken this way many, many times before.

But still, none of this made sense. And simply, it hurt.

“I…I don’t understand.” It was all Lammy could think to say. While it was the least helpful, it was the most honest.

At last, Zayza turned to face him. He’d expected tears in her green eyes, but while sorrow flooded them, they were dry and focused.

“You’re my dear friend, Lammy. As are Kotono and Hiroko,” she assured. “But I haven’t been honest with any of you the past few days.”

Her fingers gripped the ground.

“I made a deal with my dark memories,” she admitted.

“A…deal? With the monster?”

“They’re not a monster. They’re me,” Zayza said flatly.

Lammy wished he could reverse his gut response. Zayza’s anger was a rare sight. However, they had been referring to it in this way since its appearance. Clearly, a lot changed since he’d last visited the Dream World.

Zayza calmed herself when she noticed his reaction. But she didn’t apologize this time.

“Those memories carry the rest of who I am,” she continued. “They were desperate—that’s why they were so aggressive. It’s in their nature to be one with me, so they forced themselves at me at first. By fighting back, it was like communicating with another side of me. They’ve learned, and changed their approach: first, by winning over the remaining good memories to their goal, and now, by their willingness to work with me. They’ve learned from the side of me they didn’t have anymore.”

Zayza stared at the grass.

“I’m…I apologize for hiding that from you,” she said. “I knew you wouldn’t approve, nor would Hiroko and Kotono, but I couldn’t keep resisting—keep fighting myself—anymore.”

“So…what was the agreement?” Lammy asked slowly.

Zayza sighed. “The shards would stop attacking, as long as I agree to receive a few dark memories at a time. And I won’t resist as long as they honor that,” she explained. “I know it defies Hiroko and Kotono’s wishes…and even my own, but…I can’t keep hiding from myself. And this…”

“This gives you the power to remember when you want,” Lammy understood. “Like, it puts the process back in your control?”

Zayza paused, noting his attempt to accept it. She nodded.

Given Hiroko and Kotono have been waiting to tell her everything for a reason, it’s risky, Lammy pondered. But…it makes sense. Why didn’t she tell me?

“But…you have to understand, Lammy,” started Zayza, “the more dark memories I recall, the more I realize how much danger you’re in by staying with me.”

“Because of the people after you?” Lammy guessed. “Because I’ll keep fighting them no matter—”

“Because of me,” Zayza clarified, cutting him off. “The better way to say it is: I realize how dangerous I am.”

Lammy’s mind spun as he watched her sitting stiffly, struggling in her own skin.

Her? Dangerous? he doubted.

He almost didn’t want to ask. “What…do you remember now?”

Again, Zayza averted her gaze. “I was there,” she said quietly. “I was there…for the murders. For all three murders.”

Lammy felt like all of Fiction Country froze in time. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe.

“Three?” he repeated weakly.

“I still can’t see their faces, or remember who they were—only Oflenur,” Zayza elaborated. “He was there with me each time. I followed him into a room. I recall some sort of concoction pouring into an expensive glass. Then, I was in the Dream World. Each time it happened, I was in the Dream World.”

“Did you see Oflenur…do it?” Lammy muttered.

“It’s still too foggy,” said Zayza. “I just…hear cries of pain, and for the two Dreamers, I remember their bodies fading out from the Dream World. Somehow, I knew they hadn’t awoken or become dreamless—they were dying. Then, they were gone.”

Lammy thought it over. It was horrific, and probably quite traumatizing for Zayza, but her conclusions still didn’t add up.

“But…you only witnessed the murders. Why would that make you a danger to me?” he pressed.

“Lammy, I was there with the killer. I was there for the premeditation and preparation, and I watched all of them die—all three times,” Zayza stressed. “I don’t have a clear picture yet, but…this is beginning to look more and more like…I was involved.”

Lammy had only ever heard their adversaries claim this. Hiroko said all of Fantasy Country believed it, and clearly, the possibility spooked the people of Fiction Country, as well. He’d been running from the thought, dismissing it, at all costs.

But now, Zayza herself was saying it.

“NO!” Lammy shouted. “I refuse to believe that!”

He stood up defiantly, and turned to face her. “You’re not a killer, Zayza. I’ll never believe that, and you shouldn’t, either.”

“But…my memories…” Zayza urged.

“All they show is that Oflenur kept you around for it. He could have done that to frame you—which is what Hiroko and Kotono are already saying,” he said. “And even if that’s not true, he could have tricked or manipulated you into helping. I can’t accept that you would be involved in murder on purpose.”

“He…loved me,” uttered Zayza. “I believe that.”

Lammy held off his passionate rant. He could practically see Zayza’s world crumbling as she sat there.

“You’re the kindest person I know,” he finally muttered. “You’re not a killer, Zayza.”

“You don’t know that,” came her hollow reply. “You don’t know if any of those explanations are true.”

“Then I choose to believe them,” Lammy said. “We don’t know the whole story yet, so that’s what I believe. And after we get to Deon, after we make it to Hiroko’s people, if you decide it’s best for us to go separate ways, I’ll…I’ll respect that. But it’s too soon to give up now.”

He offered her his hand.

Zayza stared back at him. Jadedness had come over her face since awakening in the crashed car. Whether Lammy wanted to accept it or not, her returning memories were changing her again.

But still, she reached out and took his hand.

The travelling duo stood, their clothes grass-stained and their skin scratched and slightly bloodied. They gazed out into the vast hills and fields, their patterns much more random, and vaster, than the Fantasy Country trails. A dark cluster far ahead indicated the start of a forest—likely where Hiroko and Kotono were guiding them. It seemed impossibly far, threatening Lammy’s hopes of ever reaching Deon.

But at this point, everything they’d done so far had seemed impossible.

Lammy and Zayza took their first step forward simultaneously. They felt incredibly light.

Reaching to check his back, Lammy felt nothing: their travel bags were long gone. The last he remembered carrying it was back in Conscious City, when their dragon crashed in the park. Zayza’s was missing too—they both must have broken free in the fall.

While they were physically closer to their goal, he couldn’t feel farther away. This last stretch would likely prove the most challenging.

“Lammy,” said Zayza.

“Yeah?”

“Whatever happens between us when this is all over,” she told him, “I’ll make sure you get to try that cinnamon tea from Honest Stadium.”

Lammy let out a single laugh. “That again?”

“And…” she added, “…I’ll never forget you.”


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