Casual Heroing

The [Brewer] looks at me like I’m an idiot.

“Explain it again,” he says.

“I need a barrel with a thick sludgy substance on the bottom. You use grain to get the beer, right? It ferments and then becomes alcoholic. I imagine there’s some paste left behind from the fermentation. I need that.”

Lucillus is pretty confused by the whole thing.

The [Brewer] as well.

“I can sell you an unfiltered barrel if you want. It should have what you are looking for, the remnants of the fermentation. I’ll have to pick something out of the not-yet-ready batch, though. Once they are done, my skills naturally clean the beer up. Anyway, it’s going to cost you ten gold coins.”

“Yeah, sure ten gold coins. Do you think I’m an idiot? Try again. And remember, I work with Happy Bakery and the Three Roses.”

I have no idea what the price is for this.

The stock Elf looks at me with narrow eyes.

“Two golds for a lower quality barrel of beer with the fermented grain still in it.”

“That sounds more reasonable,” I smile and shake his hand.

Yeah, Elves do shake hands.

They do look like people who cup their fists or put a palm on their heart or stuff like that. But no, they shake hands like normal people.

Now I can check yeast off my list.

It’s going to be a little messy, I think. But my bread is going to be tastier than anyone else’s.

“Yo, listen, you are a [Brewer], right? Do you also ferment stuff or is there a [Fermenter] in town? I’m sorry but I’m new and I don’t know much about Amorium.”

The [Brewer] waves his hand to tell me not to worry.

“There are many [Fermenters] here, much more than in any other kingdom. We might even compete with the Capital, lad. Amorium is the finest center for food export. We have the most varieties of plants, fruit, roots, seeds and so on. I mean, you should probably know already. Everyone visits the Gardens as soon as they get here. Many tourists even travel here just to see the most beautiful sight in the city.”

Well, guess who didn’t know that.

I turn to Lucillus with an accusatory stare.

“What?” he asks with a snort. “Are you telling me you didn’t know of the biggest attraction in Amorium?”

“No, but that does sound like my next date with Lucinda, doesn’t it? Hehe.”

I need to find out if these damn Elves have already discovered chocolate and coffee plants. Plus, I’m surprised no one’s discovered yeast yet. I mean, just leave some dough to rot and you have a chance to get some.

But see, someone else in my place would probably be going crazy about this. Like, ‘oh my god, why don’t they have this or that and also that other thing, right?’

For all I care, they could be drinking Coke and I would still not stress about it too much.

After asking to send someone to deliver the thing at whatever my address is, I start thinking about the next problem.

“So, next is the [Enchanter] for the freezing, cooling whatchamacallit rune. Then, we go shop a little… or not. We can ask Clodia and Camilla to give us their wholesale sellers. And I can borrow stuff from them too. Yeah, that sounds about right. Let’s not sweat it too much. I also wonder if I should hire a [Fermenter] for the yeast, you know?”

“The what?” Lucillus is confused.

“Oh, right. I haven’t explained it yet. Well, never mind. It’s going to be a surprise. Oh, wait, we need a [Cleaner] too! And we need to ask Stan if he wants to man the counter. I don’t want to deal with drunk adventurers.”

Looking at my bodyguard, I wonder about something.

“Lucillus, why doesn’t the Watch have a uniform? Like, how do you actually distinguish a member of the Watch from a civilian posing as one?”

He looks at me with a confused expression.

“Why would you need that? The people usually know, and we patrol all the time in twos or threes. It’s pretty easy to tell a member of the Watch apart from the rest of the civilians. And wouldn’t a uniform make it even easier to fake being a member of the Watch? Right now, they know who’s who. If you just slap something on us, it gets harder to be trusted because anyone could wear the uniform. We do have some standardized armor and weapons issued to us, but that’s pretty much the extent of it.”

My brain goes somewhere now.

You can probably take a good guess.

See, me and my father, we were never really that close. As every Italian American family, he decided what to do and what not to do, what was allowed and what was not. Until recently, still in my early twenties, I still had to ask his permission before leaving the table at lunch or dinner. It’s weird, considering how most of my friends were raised. My da’ is a man of tradition, for better or worse.

Our relationship has never been the highlight of my life. I think that a part of who I am is there because I don’t really like the grind my father puts himself through to raise a family. I admire him, sure. But it’s not what I want for me. He almost killed himself working.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

The one time my father expressed something that really caught my eye, and that we really agreed on, was about uniforms. Apparently, in Italy, there’s this police force, the Carabinieri, which is like militarized police that has both local and foreign duties. But long story short, they have beautiful uniforms. They are designed by Giorgio Armani himself.

Now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about politics, police issues, or whatever. I just don’t care.

BUT.

When my father showed the little teenage me some magazine pictures of these women in that uniform… oh, boy.

I swear I wanted to go to Italy, join a local mafia organization and get arrested right after.

What can I say?

I simp hard for female Carabinieri. It’s not my fault Armani made such a good uniform for them.

And now I’m imagining Lucinda in such uniform.

Oh man, I’d love to be arrested by her wearing the female Carabinieri uniform.

MAN.

HEHE.

Lucillus is probably wondering why I’m leering and sneering out of nowhere. I’m also making this high-pitched, chortling sounds, while a simping grin is painted all over my face.

“See, Lucillus, now that I think about it, I think you are sorely mistaken. I’ll personally speak with Captain Drusillus to address this very important matter.”