As It Was

Henry

"He was going to find out eventually, Ry. Why are you making such a fuss?" Molly's voice wafted into my ears, light and ethereal, but it took a moment for my mind to fully grasp her words. Lately, I had been feeling out of sorts, my head filled with fog and my thoughts tangled in a maddening web. Yet, today seemed to be the pinnacle of it all, amplifying my unease to an unbearable level.

With each passing day, time seemed to accelerate, fueling a frenzy of nervous anticipation in the pit of my stomach. The days blurred together, amplifying the butterflies that performed a nervous and dreadful dance within me. I attempted to push the thoughts aside, to not dwell on the looming "hot date" that awaited me in a matter of hours. However, it was futile. I was a wreck, far beyond what words could capture.

"You should've seen his face." I stabbed at a lonely piece of lettuce on my plate, feeling all too similar to the undesired leaf left for last pick. I too wished to lay there and await my inevitable fate without any interruptions, "I've never seen him like that before. It's obvious that something's bothering him, but I don't want to push if he isn't comfortable sharing."

Recollections of that exceedingly awkward and discomforting night from earlier in the week meandered through my mind like a goldfish confined in a bowl far too petite for its stature. Said evening had unfolded fairly well until my ill-fated decision to speak out, singlehandedly tainting the pleasant atmosphere and setting it on fire. Perhaps I should have adhered to my usual pattern of brushing off his little jokes, allowing it to dissolve into oblivion as I did with my feelings for him.

Perhaps I should've just said I was going to hang out with a friend. Had I opted for that approach, maybe I could have spared myself the haunting image of his countenance, brimming with a tumultuous mélange of unfamiliar emotions radiating from his almond-shaped eyes piercing into the depths of my own.

The perplexity of his reaction to my words remained an enigma. I hadn't lashed out or uttered anything irrational that would've caught him off guard. I had simply provided an honest response to his query. However, the expression etched on his face exceeded mere astonishment, which was what I had initially anticipated. Sure, I rarely went on dates but even when I did, he had never responded in that manner. It was as if a profound revelation had crashed upon him, reducing something within him to fragments that lay scattered at his feet. Observing his demeanor as he retired to bed later that night, it was evident that something was amiss. The customary air of confidence and self-assuredness that so often marked his steps had vanished, replaced by feeble and faltering movements. He didn't appear angry or irritated with me, but rather caught in the clutches of his own thoughts.

"You're thinking too much." Molly's dismissive remark reverberated across the table, "Quit using that big brain of yours and start acting with your heart. You finally have a hot date tonight, and you're not about to let these irrational thoughts about Prince Charming ruin it for you. What you're going to do is live a little and do something for yourself for once. This isn't about anyone else but you, so stop letting him twist his way into this."

"I know, sorry..." My head drooped in dejection, and a blush of shame tinged my cheeks. It was beyond my control. I didn't desire to dedicate every waking moment to fretting over something that likely held no significance. I acknowledged that I was likely indulging in overthinking, and any perceived change in Chan that night was probably unrelated to my revelation about having a date. Why would he care now? He never had before. Who knows, maybe he'd been in a bit of a mood before I got home but was hiding it.

As much as that thought was supposed to make me feel better, thinking that Chandler would choose to keep something from me cut even deeper.

Even though I had been subconsciously pushing back, Molly's words began to penetrate my thoughts further. They began to stain my mind, stubbornly refusing to leave. I knew that I couldn't allow someone to impede my progress or hinder the potential for a fresh opportunity and the pursuit of genuine love and happiness. No matter how much it hurt at the moment, I had to at least try.

Anticipating an unassuming evening ahead, my expectations were modest. Nevertheless, it offered a preferable alternative to lounging at home in my cozy pajamas, silently observing the man I deeply cared for, unaware of my fervent longing to be closer, to embrace him with a tenderness that surpassed the boundaries of mere friendship, and to immerse myself in his presence indefinitely.

Following a much-needed lunch with Molly at a recently established café close to our publishing office, the workday seemed to progress swiftly. I made a conscious effort to steer clear of my friend circle during breaks, deliberately avoiding any interaction with them. I was well aware that Jack would be among the group, and I had been actively evading his presence like the onset of a contagious ailment.

It seemed silly that I was avoiding the person I was meant to be going on a date with, but something about hanging out with him in person with all of my nosy friends around was extremely unappealing. It had nothing to do with him, but rather the fact that I couldn't handle the embarrassing looks from Molly and Pauly as they side-eyed each other knowingly. No thank you.

On a few occasions, Jack had managed to discreetly visit my cubicle after work or during his breaks to exchange greetings and engage in brief conversations. He was much more confident than I and didn't mind the attention from the rest of the group. Yet, he respected how I felt and obliged my desires accordingly which I appreciated greatly. I felt guilty and worried that he felt as though I was embarrassed of him which was absolutely not the case at all. When I'd manage to muster up just a bit more power to talk to him at work, things always seemed to get a bit more dramatic.

Especially since Molly opened her big mouth and blabbered to the entire office that she'd set us up. People I didn't even know well had been giving me sly looks all week, and I absolutely hated it. As much as I valued our friendship and her golden heart, the vivacious woman just couldn't hold her tongue. I wouldn't take the frustration out on her, though. I knew she was just excited for me and truly wished for the best, even if her attitude came off as borderline obnoxious and at times verbally abusive when talking about my love life- or lack thereof.

After anxiously pacing back and forth in my bedroom for what felt like an eternity, Chandler's voice echoed from the living room, informing me that he intended to head out and get some groceries for the coming week. Fortunately, his recent recovery and ability to drive short distances again- a development he had shared with me only a couple of days earlier, granted him a newfound sense of freedom and alleviated some of the turmoil he was facing. Previously, he had carried a sense of guilt, perceiving himself as a mere freeloader and an occupant taking up space in my apartment without contributing. Despite my repeated reassurances, it was only now that he began to find solace in the notion that he could assist me by running errands and helping with tasks that involved venturing beyond the confines of our living space.

In the privacy of my own space, clad only in a pair of boxer briefs, I stood before the closet, sifting through an array of shirts and pants. The question lingered in my mind: what should I wear? Jack had mentioned his intention to treat me to a dinner at a recently launched Italian fusion restaurant downtown, but I remained uncertain about its level of formality. Nothing is more disconcerting than arriving at a date either overdressed or underdressed. Would a button-down shirt be too formal? Conversely, would a casual combination of a long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans appear too laid-back?

The fear of looking either stuck up or like a bum definitely didn't help settle the anxiety stirring in my gut. After nearly working myself up to tears, I ultimately settled on a soft, dark red sweater that evoked the comforting ambiance of an autumn evening and paired it with black skinny jeans. Hoping fervently that my attire wouldn't appear out of sync, I anxiously contemplated the possibility of Jack arriving in an outfit that would make me seem as if I didn't belong next to him. One of the worst feelings was standing next to someone who appeared to be so monumental in confidence and self-worth that it shrunk you down to nothing. As much as most people do so unintentionally, it doesn't make it any easier of a pill to swallow realizing you may never have that amount of love for yourself.

I spent a few moments fiddling with my hair in front of the mirror, but ultimately opted to leave it in its natural state, avoiding any overly elaborate styling. After several months, my hair had finally regrown to its original chestnut brown shade, successfully shedding the remnants of the blonde hue from my previous haircut a couple of months prior.

I never liked the color on me, but Chan had been the one to convince me to dye my hair after a drunken game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The rules had been if he won, I had to dye my hair platinum blonde. If I won, he had to dye his hair purple. I lost, and the next day we'd gone to the nearest salon to carry out my end of the bet. Even as horrified as I had been to dye my previously virgin hair, the look on his face as he recorded the process on his cellphone and snapped goofy selfies of us made the sacrifice well worth it.

As I let my hands fall from my head, my thoughts stubbornly wandered back to remarks of Chandler telling me that he liked how my hair looked when it was longer and fluffier rather than short and neater. The thought of cutting my feathery locks just to spite those memories crashed through the back of my mind, but it didn't remain long due to the chime of my phone ringing from where it was laying on my bed pulling me back to reality. I walked across the room and picked it up, seeing Chandler's caller ID before reading the message.

'Just finished shopping, be home soon :)'

Swiftly crafting a response, I promptly stowed my phone in my back pocket. Despite my earnest attempts to maintain composure, my nerves were overpowering. It had been more than a year and a half since my last date, and truth be told, I wasn't someone who ventured out frequently in the first place.

I hadn't even realized how long I'd taken to get ready, but Chan had been gone for nearly forty minutes at that point. I suddenly wished time would stop moving, and that felt incredibly odd as just weeks ago I'd been wanting time to go by quicker so that I could, hopefully, be with Chan again.

Bouncing back and forth between manic thoughts, my mind urged me to cease my incessant worries and simply embrace the evening with Jack because I deserved it, because I owed it to myself. Throughout our interactions, he had consistently displayed qualities of sweetness, kindness, and genuine concern for my well-being. He was not only attractive but also possessed a warm and compassionate nature, treating me with utmost care. However, these positive attributes only heightened my sense of guilt. I couldn't help but feel inadequate, as if he were investing his time in someone like me who might not be able to offer him everything he deserved.

Finally managing to calm my frantic ruminations, I settled down at the edge of my bed and pondered whether my choice of cologne was too overpowering. A faint, queasy sensation lingered in the depths of my stomach, tempting me to abandon the plans altogether and instead embrace the comfort of my pajamas while nestled in front of the television, Chan at my side where everything was easy and felt just right.

Would any of this be worth it in the end? What if I just get my heart broken, or what if I break his?

Before spiraling further into uncertainty, my phone interrupted my thoughts with another notification. Ignoring the slight tremble in my fingers, I retrieved it from my pocket, swiftly unlocking it to read the incoming message,

'I'm almost there, can't wait for tonight!'

Gazing at the text message before me, I hesitated for a brief moment, weighing the decision of whether to reply to Jack or not. Summoning the courage within me, I resolved to respond before any second thoughts could hinder my actions,

'Ok! Me neither :)'

Rising from my bed, I redirected my focus towards tidying up the living room. Methodically, I fluffed the pillows on the couch and meticulously folded the throw blanket that lay haphazardly across it. Despite the room already being in order, engaging in these mundane tasks served as a temporary distraction from the mounting apprehension that threatened to dissuade me from what awaited me in mere moments.

No matter of seconds, minutes, or hours felt like enough to prepare myself. In due time, the doorbell chimed, instantly eliciting a flutter of nerves within my chest. Hastily, I retrieved my coat from its position on the kitchen table and swiftly slipped on my shoes. Casting a quick glance to ensure my wallet and phone resided securely within my pockets, I granted myself a solitary moment to collect my thoughts. With closed eyes, I inhaled deeply, savoring the calming breath before embarking on the unknown.

You can do this, Henry. Just be yourself and don't overthink things. He's sweet and seems to be really interested in you, what could go wrong?

With renewed resolve, I opened my eyes and exhaled, steeling myself for the moment ahead. Without hesitation, I reached for the doorknob and turned it, allowing the door to swing open, unveiling the beginning of an evening that held both anticipation and uncertainty.

As the door gradually opened, a peculiar sensation crept over me, as if time had momentarily slowed. However, it wasn't until the door was about a quarter of the way open that the faint sound of two voices engaged in conversation finally reached my ears. Perplexed, my brow furrowed in confusion, curiosity sparking within me as I strained to decipher the nature of the unexpected encounter.

Once the door swung open completely, my eyes locked onto a sight that sent a chill coursing through my veins, causing my heart to plummet into the depths of my stomach.

In an instant, the already heightened level of anxiety within me soared to an overwhelming degree as I absorbed the scene unfolding before my eyes. The situation that lay before me intensified my nerves to an unhealthy level, intensifying the weight of unease that had already burdened me throughout the evening.

To my astonishment and disbelief, standing side by side just outside the door were not only Jack, as I had anticipated, but also Chandler, who stood there juggling groceries with his gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

A surge of bewilderment coursed through me, causing my mind to reel as I tried to make sense of the unexpected presence of both Jack and Chandler in this peculiar and unforeseen convergence.

In my panicked state, I'd completely forgotten that Chan was on the way home from the store. Who would've thought that he and Jack would arrive at the exact same time?

Just my luck.

In that very moment, I berated myself inwardly for naively convincing myself that the evening would unfold without a hitch. Never in my wildest imagination had I anticipated the ordeal of navigating such an excruciatingly awkward obstacle this early in the night.

Regret washed over me, as I grappled with the realization that my optimism had led me astray, leaving me utterly unprepared to face the uncomfortable dynamics that now loomed before me.