As It Was

Chandler

"H-hi," Henry stammered, his voice betraying a hint of surprise. My gaze followed his, meeting the stranger's cheerful expression as he stood beside me. Henry's eyes then shifted to the bags in the tall man's arms, prompting a quizzical raise of his eyebrow.

"Hey," the man replied, his deep voice infusing the cool evening air that seeped into the apartment. It grew warmer with each passing second and I absolutely despised him already. He hadn't even done anything wrong which only made him more annoying. "You look absolutely stunning." His eyes held a gentle warmth as they locked onto Henry's, causing a visible flush of embarrassment to color his cheeks. Eventually, Henry mustered the words to express his gratitude for the compliment.

"I'll just take these inside," I coughed awkwardly and maneuvered past them, heading into the kitchen. The evening had already begun on an uncomfortable note, and now I found myself confined to the kitchen. I scratched the back of my neck, feeling the overpowering sense of uncertainty flood my mind further as I pondered my next move.

I faced a dilemma: either I remained confined in the kitchen like a timid soul, waiting for the inevitable sound of the front door closing, or I mustered the courage to step out and risk exacerbating the situation. Despite the persistent ache in my chest, I contemplated whether it was worth adding fuel to the fire.

A wave of guilt began to wash over me, compelling me to consider why I felt the need to apologize to Henry. It seemed as though I had stumbled upon an intimate moment that I wasn't meant to witness. Despite the fact that the stranger had offered assistance with the groceries because he happened to be heading in the same direction, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had somehow trespassed into a private space. Even though it wasn't my fault, I carried a sense of wrongdoing within me.

From the corner of the kitchen hidden away like a frightened puppy, I strained to hear the smooth timbre of his voice resonating softly through the entryway. "Here you go," he uttered, and I discerned the faint sound of plastic bags rustling, indicating that he had likely handed them over to Henry.

Intrigued, I inched closer to the kitchen's entryway, eager to catch a clearer snippet of their conversation. Following a brief moment of silence, his voice resumed with further explanation. "I helped him carry these up. Kind of a weird coincidence that we were headed to the same apartment, no?"

Coincidence my ass, the universe is out to get me.

They continued their hushed conversation for another minute or so, and with a surge of determination, I mustered the courage to seize the opportunity. I swiftly made my way towards Henry's bedroom, which thankfully lay just across the hall.

In an effort to appear nonchalant and unfazed by the situation, I adopted a casual and discreet demeanor. I reminded myself that Henry had every right to explore new connections, embark on dates, and enjoy himself. It was important to support his freedom to meet new people and embrace the excitement of new experiences. After all, Henry deserved to have fun independently. The fact that he was probably feeling smothered by my constant presence over the last several weeks hurt more than I wanted to admit.

He needs his space, just like everyone does.

Even if he's different from everyone else to me, that doesn't change the fact that he's still just as human as I.

Nevertheless, my attempts at maintaining composure couldn't alleviate the profound ache in my bones or the agonizing thud of my heart. The thought of Henry being with someone else weighed heavily on me, causing a deep-seated discomfort. I couldn't help but cringe as my mind drifted to the possibility of another person experiencing the same warmth in their stomach when Henry adorned them with his radiant smile, the kind that caused his honey-colored eyes to crinkle at the corners.

Just as I thought I had safely reached the other side of the hall, my progress halted abruptly when I heard Henry's gentle voice calling out to me in a soft tone. "Chan," he called out, his shy gaze peeking from behind the hallway's wall, "I placed the remaining grocery bags on the counter. Would you mind putting them away for me?"

His eyes intermittently met mine before averting, reflecting the same unease I felt within. I couldn't help but wonder if my own emotional state was as apparent to him as his was to me. With a tinge of apology in his soft voice, he seemed to carry a burden that he didn't deserve. I silently hoped that I could mask my own emotions more effectively, sparing him any unnecessary concern or discomfort. I didn't want this evening to become any more peculiar for him.

"Of course," I replied, mustering a small smile on my lips, aiming to reassure him that everything was indeed normal and that I wasn't grappling with inner turmoil. "Enjoy your evening, alright? If you need anything, just shoot me a text."

As my words reached Henry, a visible release of tension swept through his shoulders, causing them to relax. It seemed that my attempt to offer reassurance had succeeded in alleviating some of his unease, for which I was grateful. In response, a minuscule grin formed on his lips, so subtle that it was almost imperceptible. His gentle gaze, reminiscent of doe eyes, remained locked with mine for a fleeting moment.

As my gaze lingered upon his smaller figure, an overwhelming desire surged within me—a selfish yearning for time to freeze, granting me the freedom to drink in his presence for as long as I desired. However, this longing was juxtaposed with the awareness that prince charming awaited him just a few yards away. This conflicting sensation left me feeling tainted, as if I were indulging in something forbidden and impure.

This wasn't my desire to fulfill- he wasn't mine to yearn for.

"Okay, thanks," Henry responded quietly. Looking away for the last time, he pivoted on his heels and proceeded down the hallway, uttering what seemed like "Are you ready?" in a hushed tone to his date. Soon after, the distinct sound of the front door clicking shut reverberated through the apartment, marking their departure.

Then, I was left all on my own with an irritating itch of loneliness pricking at the corners of my heart.

Reflecting on the unexpected events that transpired just moments earlier, my mind ran free. In an unlucky twist of fate, I had found myself face-to-face with the person who was taking Henry out. Adding to the complexity of the situation, this individual happened to be genuinely kind and respectful.

Deep down, I genuinely wanted Henry to be with someone incredible. However, it was hard to ignore just how perfect he was. I mean, who goes out of their way to assist a stranger with carrying groceries up to their apartment?

It shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did, though. As Henry had shared glimpses of his few past romantic encounters with me, after teasing and coaxing him to spill the details of course, it became evident that the individuals he had been with were generally decent guys.

Although those relationships ultimately didn't work out, Henry wasn't inclined to delve into the specifics. Instead, he maintained the explanation that none of those individuals had done anything wrong; it simply didn't feel right for him. He kept the details sparse, suggesting that the connections lacked that elusive spark or deep resonance he sought.

Back then, I struggled to comprehend the significance of Henry's words. I conjectured that perhaps his lack of confidence hindered the growth of those budding relationships. However, as time passed, I began to experience that very feeling myself whenever the thought of being intimately involved with someone crossed my mind.

Except when it comes to a certain someone with soft chestnut hair and skin as pale as winter snow, my perfectly constructed defenses seem to crumble. The picture-perfect image that I managed to keep polished over the years meant nothing to him, and even after the accident he never once made me feel weak or lesser than him due to my physical ailment. He holds a unique power over me, and despite my reservations and apprehensions, he has always had the ability to evoke a sense of longing and vulnerability that surpasses my usual reservations that no one else could truly access.

Now, I understood the apprehension, the overwhelming weight of vulnerability, and the fear of potential heartache that accompanies such connections. It has left me cautious and hesitant, with an inclination to shield myself from the possibility of emotional turmoil.

It took long enough to realize, but I knew that everything happened for a reason. Whether you believe in a God, higher power, or are an atheist, there's no denying how fate brought him to me. When I needed someone most, he was delivered to me on a silver platter. When he could’ve ran off without a word, he held on for the ride. I want him badly- so much it physically hurts.

I grappled with the realization that I had no grounds to feel anger or jealousy. If the rumors and speculations about Henry harboring feelings for me at some point in our shared history were indeed true, the likelihood of him still carrying such sentiments now seemed exceedingly slim. I had no right to cling onto false hopes or entertain fantasies that would only lead to disappointment. I know that it would be safest for me to accept the reality and let go of any lingering illusions.

I had years to realize and question whether Henry really did see me as more than just his best friend. Now, it felt like there way absolutely no way he could possibly still want me intimately after all this time. After all, how could someone hold onto feelings like that for years? Surely, it would be impossible.

As I mechanically put away the groceries, my mind spun in a disoriented haze that felt like hours passing by. I was running on empty, my mental and emotional reserves drained. It seemed as though nothing could restore my energy anymore. Food and sleep had lost their power to invigorate me. The only source of rejuvenation that I found each day was the mere presence of being with Henry. In his company, I felt a glimmer of vitality and a sense of completeness that temporarily eased the void within me.

Recognizing the need to divert my attention, I embarked on a mission to thoroughly clean the apartment. Dusting every corner from top to bottom, I stubbornly refused to succumb to the debilitating grip of my own thoughts. I wasn't great at organizing by any means, but that didn't matter at the moment. I understood that delving deeper into the labyrinth of my mind could potentially engulf me completely, leaving me stranded without a clear path to resurface. The task at hand became my anchor, a means to maintain a semblance of control and ward off the overwhelming tide of introspection.

As the clock displayed half-past eight, I found myself repeatedly checking my phone throughout the evening, anxiously awaiting a message from Henry. Logically, I knew that I should be the furthest thing from his mind while he was on a date with another man. Nevertheless, a nagging sense of worry persisted in the recesses of my conscience, refusing to be silenced. Despite my efforts to push it away, the concerned voice within me continued to cast its shadow of doubt and unease.

Unfortunately, the worries didn't cease at that point. Innocent concerns about his well-being gradually gave way to more sinister thoughts, leading my mind into the depths of dark corners I desperately wished to avoid. I couldn't prevent the images of him being intimate with that man from searing themselves behind my closed eyelids. The flames of jealousy and insecurity flickered, threatening to consume my sanity.

My mind conjured vivid images of him entwined with unfamiliar faces, their hands caressing him and their lips exploring his in ways that felt intrusive and most certainly undeserved. The mental playback looped incessantly, like a broken record stuck on repeat. The notion of their vile lips sullying his feather-soft, warm skin weighed heavily on my thoughts. The nameless figures robbed him of his innocence, clutching and tearing at him as if he were nothing more than a disposable object. Although he wasn't mine to have in those ways either, I couldn't handle the idea of him giving himself away like that.

It was selfish and disgusting of me to put him on a holy pedestal where he was untouchable to anyone but me, but I couldn't help it. The already short fuse I had hidden as best I could the past few weeks had just caught fire, and it was starting to creep toward the dynamite that was my self-control.

In a final fit of frustration, I flung my phone onto the couch beside me and let out an exasperated sigh. Sitting upright, I vigorously rubbed my hands over my face, as if trying to shake off the tormenting thoughts. A wave of hopelessness washed over me, as it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to reign myself in, my mind would inevitably surrender to its relentless, tormenting course. Remaining in this apartment, where traces of Henry's presence lingered in every nook and cranny, was becoming unbearable. The sweet scent of him permeated the air, and reminders of him were scattered throughout every crevice. If I continued to stay here any longer, I feared I really would reach my breaking point.

I hastily stuffed my phone into the pocket of my black jeans and swiftly pulled on the hoodie that had been draped over the side of the couch. Determined to escape the suffocating atmosphere, I hurried toward the front door. In my rush, I nearly stumbled over my own feet, my movements a flurry of agitation. Snatching my wallet from the small table in the entryway, I fumbled slightly as I struggled to put on my sneakers. Each action carried an underlying desperation, as if escaping the confines of that apartment had become an urgent necessity.

I didn't have any clue where I was going, but I knew I needed to get out of there.

As soon as I stepped outside and locked the door behind me, a rush of crisp, cold night air enveloped my senses, momentarily jolting me out of my dazed state. Inhaling deeply, I welcomed the refreshing breath of fresh air, allowing it to invigorate my senses. With renewed determination, I proceeded down the apartment's outdoor corridor, my steps guided by the faint glow of the overhead lights. My destination was the small sidewalk leading to the parking lot, where I sought solace and a temporary respite from the confines of my troubled thoughts.

Suddenly, my ears perked up as a familiar voice reached my senses, prompting me to instinctively turn my head to the left. To my surprise, I noticed two figures standing by a sleek, black car, which sparked a glimmer of recognition. Due to the concrete pillar I'd been leaning on while thinking of somewhere to go blocked part of my vision, I had failed to notice a car pull into a spot near the side of the lot and two gentlemen exit.

As the shorter man emitted a sweet, melodic giggle, a sinking sensation gripped my stomach, signaling an uncomfortable realization. In that moment, I knew deep down that it would have been wiser to avert my gaze and continue on my way. Yet, despite this intuition, an unexplainable curiosity compelled me to linger a moment longer, unable to tear my eyes away from the scene unfolding before me.

Aware that the scene unfolding before me was undoubtedly a private moment not meant for my eyes, I acknowledged the boundaries of personal space and the importance of respecting others' privacy. However, a sudden, masochistic tendency seemed to take hold, rendering me immobile, my feet seemingly rooted to the concrete beneath me. Despite my internal conflicts, I found myself trapped in a self-imposed paralysis, unable to break free from the invisible chains that held me in place, as my mind wrestled with a perverse desire to continue observing the unfolding situation.

A tumultuous, deadly mix of emotions churned within me as I witnessed the sight before my eyes. Henry stood with his back turned to me, his arms draped surprisingly casually around the fortunate man's neck, their bodies intimately close. The proximity between them suggested that their lips had undoubtedly met in a passionate kiss, igniting a searing flame within me that coursed through every fiber of my being. My stomach clenched in anguish, and a frigid sensation washed over me, freezing my veins as the reality of the moment struck me with a painful intensity.

Engulfed in an internal struggle that seemed to be slipping further out of my control, I found myself on the losing end of a merciless battle. My mind taunted me, mocking my feeble attempts to shield myself from the painful reality unfolding before me. Meanwhile, my heart quivered and crumbled, its fragile pieces shattering with each passing second. The opposing forces within me clashed relentlessly, leaving me feeling utterly helpless and overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions.

Nothing made sense anymore, and every meaning I'd attached to Henry and I's interactions over the last several weeks suddenly rendered meaningless at my unmoving feet. Fists clenched at my sides, my heart was certainly pounding in my burning ears. I wasn't bleeding, but everything hurt.

A labored breath escaped my lips involuntarily, and the overwhelming sorrow slicing through my entire being caused me to lose the last of my composure. As a result, I stumbled backward, my unsteady footing betraying me. The scuffing sound of my sneakers against the concrete disrupted the otherwise serene silence of the night, catching the attention of the taller man who had been absorbed in his intimate exchange with Henry.

As a voice inside my head screamed at me to flee from the scene with all haste, my legs seemed to have turned into lead, rendering me immobile. The weight of the moment anchored me to the ground, making escape impossible. The flustered man's gaze instinctively shifted towards the source of the noise, his eyes locking onto mine as he recognized my presence. With a mixture of surprise and realization, he disentangled himself from Henry's embrace, their intimate moment abruptly interrupted.

A look of confusion washed over Henry's gentle features as he swiftly pivoted to face me, attempting to make sense of the unexpected interruption. His eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and perhaps a hint of shame as they met mine, his cheeks turning a deep shade of crimson. In a rush of movement, he averted his gaze, mumbling something hurriedly to his companion, their words hushed and indiscernible from where I stood, just beyond earshot. The distance between us prevented me from deciphering the meaning behind their exchanged whispers.

The red tint of his pert lips could be seen from the street light beaming down on the couple as if it were a stage. The twisting in my gut intensified further, the cold doing nothing to ease the sudden illness that I felt creeping through me.

Completely overwhelmed by a flood of emotions quickly drowning me and weighed down by the string of unfortunate events that had unfolded, I was paralyzed, unable to take the appropriate action of apologizing and making a hasty exit. The immense sense of unease only grew with each passing second, as if I were being seen as some sort of voyeuristic intruder, and the thought only intensified my internal turmoil. Though I made a feeble attempt to retreat, my steps were slow and labored, as if invisible shackles bound my feet, making escape an arduous task.

Despite the tension swirling around us, the man still managed to offer a gentle smile, his arms enveloping Henry in an embrace that spoke of familiarity and affection. His gaze, however, held a complex mix of anger and embarrassment as it briefly met mine. My own eyes instinctively dropped to the ground, the weight of shame settling heavily upon me, yet the vivid images that had burned themselves into my mind continued to haunt me. The sound of the car door opening pierced through the silence, jolting me back to reality with a chilling surge of fear coursing through my veins.

With a final glance and a warm smile, the man settled into the driver's seat, the door closing with a soft thud. He rolled down the window, engaging in a brief exchange with Henry, their voices carrying faintly through the night air. Some space between the pair finally flickered a bit of regained control in my mind and prompted me to turn away, determined to distance myself from the scene unfolding before me. Each step I took was fueled by a desperate desire to put as much distance as possible between myself and the heartache that had consumed me.

Perhaps if I pretended that it wasn't weird or awkward when returning home, I could convince Henry that everything was just peachy and this wouldn't do any real harm.

However, the ground crumbled underneath me with each step I took. The weight of my actions bore down on me, amplifying my feelings of guilt and self-doubt. The realization that I had inadvertently disrupted Henry's date not once, but twice, filled me with a profound sense of disappointment in myself. How could I have been so blind to the consequences of my actions?

The truth was painfully clear: I had allowed my own desires and insecurities to overshadow Henry's happiness, even if it hadn't been my intention. My selfishness had tainted what should have been a special evening for him. Regret washed over me like a tidal wave, and I found myself grappling with the knowledge that I couldn't undo the damage I had caused.

Helplessness settled in, as I recognized that some things were beyond my control. I couldn't rewind time or magically fix the situation. All I could do now was confront my own shortcomings, acknowledge the pain I had caused, and strive to do anything I could to make it up to Henry.

As I neared the corner of the apartment complex, ready to make my escape, the sound of hurried footsteps echoing on the sidewalk closing in startled me. I spun around, my heart racing, and found Henry standing there, his disheveled appearance and flushed cheeks only adding to his flustered state. His eyes, usually so warm and comforting, were now filled with a whirlwind of emotions that stirred a mix of anxiety and untamable heat within me. Despite the chill in the air, my cheeks burned under his gaze. There was something different about him, a weariness in his eyes that I had never seen before. Concern flooded over me, intensifying with each passing moment as I could do nothing but observe his unusual behavior as if a bomb were about to go off any moment.

"Where do you think you're going?" His voice was positively frigid as it cut through the night, its coldness sending yet another trail of goosebumps down my spine. It was a tone I had never heard directed at me before, and it pierced through the air around us sharper than the icy gusts of wind nipping at my face.

"Um," I stammered, my mind racing for an explanation that would make sense to him in that moment, "I... I just needed some fresh air, that's all."

He silenced me with a small hand before letting out a puff of air and turning around. He stalked toward the apartment complex's entrance with a newfound purpose that was completely unfamiliar to me.

In a moment of foolishness and fear, I considered just continuing my previous journey to some undecided destination for the night but decided against it as the anger that seemed to be radiating off of Henry's typically petite form crushed me like an ant at his feet. As he stormed back to the apartment, I knew that there was no running away from what happened. Ignoring the matter at hand would be childish and would prove me to be an even worse friend than I already was at the moment.

I followed him quickly, but made sure to keep several feet of distance between us. The heaviness in my chest grew with each step, my mind plagued with self-condemnation. The air around us was charged with tension, and I couldn't ignore the dark cloud looming overhead if I tried. It mirrored the inner turmoil that was stewing inside me at the very moment, so close to boiling over and making an even bigger mess, one that couldn't possibly be cleaned up. Every beat of my heart was accompanied by a chorus of regrets and self-reproach. I longed for a back button, for a way to undo the hurt I had caused. As we entered the apartment, the weight of my actions settled on my shoulders, but no preparation could brace me for the storm that was about to unleash.

Henry's silhouette loomed a few steps in front of me as he kicked off his shoes in a chilling silence and dropped his coat on the kitchen table before coming to a halt in the family room. I removed my own shoes before cautiously stepping toward him, not knowing if I should attempt to speak or if I even could.

"Henry-" I started to try and give any kind of explanation I could muster, prepared to spew word vomit but he turned around in a whirl of anger, hands on his hips as his chest rose and fell shakily.

"What the hell was that?" His tone was deadly, face wearing an expression I'd never seen on him before. It was like the Henry Sallow I'd known since childhood was replaced with someone new.

"W-What do you mean?" My voice shook slightly, my throat suddenly a desert void of water. My hands shook slightly as I watched my best friend fall apart before me. Despite my idiotic rebuttal, I knew exactly what he meant. He, understandably, wanted to know why I'd been creeping around like some sort of pervert while he shared a kiss with his date. I didn't have an answer for him.

"Why...why do you keep getting in the way?" His voice was low, as if he was any louder, he would lose his cool completely. "Twice. Twice in one night, you've managed to somehow mess things up for me." He shook his head slightly, scoffing, and beginning to pace back and forth.

It felt as though he was having a soliloquy, addressing an invisible audience, while I stood beside him, unnoticed. The notion that I was merely a specter didn't diminish the sharpness of his words, piercing through me like relentless bullets.

The man I knew who was always so careful with his words as to not hurt anyone was long gone, leaving a ravenous clone of himself who couldn't be restrained. His anguish was valid, but the shock that it was aimed at me was something I still was having trouble coming to terms with.

"Henry, I really didn't mean to. I was just going to get some fresh air, I had no idea you'd be out there-doing- doing that with him." The moment the stumbling words escaped my feeble lips, I was painfully aware of my mistake, adding yet another blunder to the growing list.

Henry's eyes were incredulous as he stared at me in disbelief, "Doing that? Why do you say it like I've sinned? Am I not allowed to do something as simple as kissing someone?" Henry looked at me with disappointment from where he stood across the room, causing another stinging sensation to reverberate through my chest. He was positively steaming, worrying me more with every passing moment. I hadn't noticed earlier due to the lack of light outside, but I was now able to see his features in more detail. from here, I could see that his typically soft and honey eyes were red-rimmed in the way that they turned after he'd had a drink or two. His foreign attitude and demeanor quickly aided in the conclusion that he'd probably had some alcohol with dinner.

He stood before me like a fierce, untamed creature, and I suddenly found myself tasked with the role of trying to calm him down. Aware of the delicate situation, I knew that my next words would be crucial, but I also understood that his anger might escalate regardless of what I said. I knew he was furious with me, but I needed him to cool off a bit before we could really communicate with one another. The alcohol in his system wasn't helping the fragile atmosphere whatsoever.

"I didn't mean it in a judgmental way, Henry. I was simply taken by surprise. Please, just take a moment to calm down. Have you been drinking? Why don't we just take a seat..." I pleaded, my words falling on deaf ears. It seemed as though he was venting his pent-up frustration, releasing years' worth of suppressed emotions. The intensity of his anger was overwhelming

"So what if I have? Am I not able to do that either?" I sighed as Henry's frustration skyrocketed as he took a step toward me, ""Why are you asking me to calm down? It's impossible for me to find any semblance of peace when you've shattered my only chance at happiness in what feels like an eternity." Our eyes locked, but a wild glare replaced the usual glow his held. "Why do you insist on treating me like some fragile, naïve child? I am just as much an adult as you, and I deserve to have someone who wants me, too."

I could have blamed his words on the alcohol running through his veins, but the pain in his voice proved it all to be real. My previously frozen blood began to thaw, frustration warming me. Although I was in the wrong, this wasn't exactly fair for me either.

For him to say that he had no one who wanted him was a massive blow to the collected and calm attitude I was desperately trying to front since realizing he was a little buzzed. He suddenly looked very much sober, but there was a fire that was growing hotter with each passing second, licking at the fuse already set ablaze earlier. The alcohol hadn't gone as far as to intoxicate him, but gave him the confidence he needed to confront me.

I had always prided myself on keeping my composure around Henry, never allowing anger or frustration to consume me. However, the recent chain of events had pushed me to the edge. This was not how things were supposed to unfold, and the realization that everything had spiraled in the opposite direction had begun to make my skin crawl in the way it seldom did when I was beginning to lose myself. What frustrated me even more was the feeling that Henry was placing the blame squarely on my shoulders, holding me responsible for the misfortune that had befallen us. I didn't choose this. I wanted to be there for him through thick and thin ever since we met, and I thought he could see that. I always wanted him, as a friend, family, and now as something more. Yet, his words had made me feel as though all my efforts to be his structure of support were in vain.

"I never once said you don't deserve happiness. Also, I don't treat you like a child. I know you're an adult and I respect that, along with whatever decisions you choose to make. I always have," I replied, my voice laced with sincerity but buried underneath growing frustration. Stepping closer to him, my hands clenched into fists as my pent-up anger and jealousy flowed out involuntarily. "I admit, I made things awkward out there, and I'm truly sorry for that. But why are you so fixated on this guy? What makes him so much better than the others? From where I stand, he doesn't seem all that special. You can do better."

We now stood only a few feet apart, and Henry abruptly halted his persistent pacing, a nervous habit I knew all too well. His gaze, wild and unfocused, lifted to meet mine, locking in a piercing stare.

If this new, unstable side of him was a ticking bomb, I'd just lit his fuse.

"From where you stand?” the look on Henry’s flushed face was incredulous, a hint of an exasperated smile showing on his lips as if what I’d said was completely ridiculous.

“Where do you stand, Chandler? Somewhere high above me, pulling and playing my strings like a puppeteer? Now that I do a single thing that’s not for you but for me, you give a shit? Why does it even fucking matter to you?!" Henry's voice reverberated, its volume surpassing any I had heard from him before. His eyes, wide and glazed with anger, glistened with the presence of fresh, frustrated tears.

I was rendered speechless by his outburst. I gazed at him with my lips ajar, my mind struggling to comprehend the situation unfolding before me. Henry's intense animosity towards me was evident, yet there was an underlying frustration with himself that remained shrouded in mystery. His once neat and silky hair now stood in disheveled tufts, evidence of his relentless tugging, and his cheeks remained flushed with a pink hue that mirrored his fiery temperament. This time, it wasn't because of the cold or the drinks he had earlier that night; it was due to everything he was feeling inside boiling up over the edges of the pot and spilling at our feet.

The weight of the moment hung heavily in the air, suffocating any possibility of reconciliation. It was an impasse- a clash of emotions that seemed insurmountable. The truth, buried deep within me, felt like an untamed beast yearning to be unleashed, yet I knew that its release would only further deepen the chasm between us. No matter how desperately I wanted to share my inner turmoil, I couldn't find the words that would make sense. There was nothing that would bridge the gap without sounding like madness.

It was all too much, and my inner demons had their hands wrapped tight around my throat, forcing me to do something- anything to get them to loosen their grip.

At that moment, I finally snapped.

No lie I could have rambled off to pacify him would do anything to fix this in the long run. There was no point of return, no save file for an easy reset in case this all goes too far.

Suddenly, it was all bullshit- the thoughts that encompassed every corner of my mind telling me to try and say something to calm him down ceased to hold any significance. Even if he were to kick me out and choose to sever our ties indefinitely, my unstable mind somehow found solace in the fact that he would finally get a glimpse into the depth of how I was feeling.

I let go of my last rational thought, surrendering to the chaotic mess that had unfolded within me. Despite my efforts to conceal my true feelings and tiptoe around delicate situations, it all seemed futile now. The walls I had built to protect myself and shield Henry from harm had crumbled. I had already caused significant damage, and the thought of things worsening seemed almost inconceivable at this point. I'd already done this much, how could it get any worse?

"Fuck this."

In a final moment of desperate clarity, I pushed Henry's quickly shrinking figure against the wall behind him, my hand instinctively finding its place over his racing heart. A turbulent concoction of anger, frustration, sadness, and confusion, fueled me. Above them all, was the rising tide of a vehement angst. The world around us faded into a hazy blur as I closed my eyes, surrendering to the overpowering urge that consumed me. With trembling lips, I sealed the unspoken turmoil that had plagued us both as the minuscule space between our bodies closed completely.