ANBU: Card System In Naruto

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"Trying to manipulate a tailed beast with... love talk? Pathetic!"

Kaori felt her eyes twitch,

'Hah, as I thought. This Talk-no-Jutsu ain't for me.'

***

The crimson claws dug into Kaori's shirt... well, Kushina's shirt technically but Kaori was wearing it. The berserk redhead slammed her against the door, growling in her face,

"You think the mighty Kyūbi no Yōko would be swayed by such childish tricks!?"

In all honesty, it would have been a scarier experience if there had been more changes in Kushina's body other than her eyes, whiskers, nails, and teeth... At least her eyes were still teary and the growling face she was making was far too funny for Kaori to stomach,

'Haha'

Something akin to amusement must have shown on Kaori's face because the Kyuubi became even more enraged,

"What're you laughing at!?"

She roared, shaking Kaori like a ragdoll.

"But it doesn't matter!"

'Huh?'

What the hell was this fox up to now?

The Kyuubi, or rather Kushina since it was her body, began to tear at her clothes,

"Once I mate with you using the Uzumaki girl's body, I will finally be free!"

'Da' fuq?'

[ERROR! ERROR! Calculation error detected! Response located! 'What da fuq is goin' on?']

Kaori blinked, rapidly, momentarily stunned by the nonsense that the Nine Tails was spouting. If even the system was unable to make sense of its words, Kaori wondered if the years of being sealed had made Nine Tails go bonkers. Maybe the poor fox was more confused than she was.

The Kyuubi, however, was desperately trying to open Kushina's shirt. Maybe it was not used to having human fingers because it had that strangely cute look of determination plastered across its face,

"Just you wait pipsqueak! Once I get this stupid peace of clothing off this body, I will have you dancing in my claws!" 

It snarled, its voice sounding like a desperate teen.

Kaori began to wonder, did the Sage of Six bath bonk the nine tails a little too hard on the head when it was born? Or was the fox naturally so stupid?

"What... do you want exactly..."

She stammered, pretending to be afraid of the big bad fox,

"What is your end goal here?"

The redheaded figure paused, its claw hovering inches above its chest. Uncertainty began to take root underneath its crimson eyes,

"My end goal?"

It repeated after her in a low, whispered growl,

"Yeah. I mean, a great Tailed-Beast like you doesn't need to mingle with little old me for anything right?"

Kushina's brow creased from frowning, and a height comparison chart suddenly appeared in its mind. Kaori may be considerably tall, somewhere around 5'10", meanwhile, the Kyuubi was a giant standing at around 830-40 feet... the size comparison was hilarious, even to a tailed beast like him. Its claws retracted slightly, giving Kaori some breathing space,

"No... not for the great Me, of course, But this Uzumaki girl's body can,"

The Kyuubi grinned manically,

"You wanted to know my end goal right? Very well, hear and bask under the great Nine-Tailed Demon Fox's intelligence,"

'Uh... I don't know. He doesn't seem all that intelligent to me though.'

[He's a giant Demon Fox. What did you expect?]

The fox began to boast about his plan almost immediately,

"This Uzumaki girl's heart belongs to the Minato brat!"

'Ain't that news to me.'

[Hush! This is gonna be good.]

"I have bidden my time, watching through her eyes how even the slightest turbulence in their relationship causes the seal to loosen, but this girl strengthens it again."

Kaori frowned, not understanding what the fox was getting at,

'Does he have a screw loose or something?'

A strangled sound, something akin to a whisper, escaped the redhead's lips as it explained its masterplan,

"Once I use her body to mate with another human and procreate human cubs,"

'Huh?'

"Her heart would shatter when Minato Namikaze finds it out and breaks off all relationships with her! The seal would be destroyed and the girl would be too devastated to seal me back in!!!"

The Jinchūriki's body shook from laughing out like a maniac,

"This world will once again know and fear the power of the GREAT NINE-TAILED DEMON FOX! KUHAHAHAHA!"

"I see, so you're an idiot."

[I think the sage forgot sex 'ed when he was teaching them stuff.]

'Better yet, I think Kaguya doesn't know shit about sex 'ed either. Or she won't have banged the guy right after meeting 'em.'

[Or the entire Ōtsutsuki clan maybe?]

"What... what did you just say you weakling?"

The Kyuubi slammed its claw next to Kaori's head, growling in frustration,

"How dare you insult the great... I think that's enough play time, don't you?"

It was creepy how the redheaded woman's voice turned from a grumpy fox man sound to how Kushina usually sounds, just like a petulant teenage girl.

"What was that all about?"

Asked Mikoto who was standing right behind Kushina, holding a chair leg high above the redhead. Kushina was lucky that she took back control just before Mikoto could swing the improvised wooden club, it would have knocked both the tailed beast and the Jinchuriki to high heaven.

Kushina stood up, slowly backing away from the glaring Uchiha until she had her back against the wall,

"Well... you see... Hebi-baka stole my Limited edition seafood instant ramen that I've been saving to eat on a date with Minato!"

Slowly, she confessed everything that happened after Kaori left for the Hokage's office,

"Yeah, I got busy looking through some of my old sealing scrolls, they won't work if even a single line fades, you know!"

So apparently, Kushina was cleaning up her old sealing masterpieces... she's loaded alright. When Hebi had the brilliant idea of using her clan's superior intelligence to search for Kushina's ramen stashes. Safe to say, she found it and was halfway through one of them when the redhead heard the slurping sound and caught a whiff of seafood,

"I'm telling ya'! It's all Hebi-baka's fault!"

The three of them turned around to see Hebi embedded in the wall, somehow, Nara decided that a hole in the wall was as good a place as any to take a nap and was snoring away contently.

'Is she sleeping?'

[She's a Nara, what do you think they do?]

So, in her anger, Kushina decided to lend her body to Kyuubi for a spin. Although, she reassured them again and again, that she had it all under control,

"So you're telling me the Nine-Tails was trying to break your heart by using your body and cheating on Minato with one of us?"

'That... makes no sense at all.'

[The intelligent fox who didn't get sex 'ed, remember.]

Heck, even if he did succeed in doing that, how the hell would the children thingy work? Isn't he a giant fox? 

Kaori pondered over the topic, lost in her thoughts, not paying any attention to the fact that Kushina and Mikoto had used a spool of ninja wire to tie up Hebi and were trying to hand her upside down from the ceiling.

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