Accountant Isekai

I woke up on the other side of the lava illusion. The first thing I did was jump up and look for Joanna. She was staring at the cave wall, her back turned to me. A sigh of relief escaped from my mouth.

The rest of the party was looking over a massive vault door. Well, all of them except Red Caedy, who was sitting by my side.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

I replied, “Why? You didn’t kill Joanna.”

“You’re right, but that’s because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I saw how much you cared about her. It reminded me of how much I loved my little brother. I don’t think you’re a bad person, Saint Gustav, not after seeing you save that kobold. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You still didn’t do it, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for even trying,” I stated.

Caedy nodded, “I don’t blame you. I also don’t blame you for threatening to kill me to protect her.”

“But did you just apologize for trying to kill Joanna, or was there another reason? I'm getting the feeling that there's more to this than how it looks.”

“I think you can figure out why.”

A sinking feeling entered my body. I looked at Joanna. She kept her back turned.

“The bond you had was severed, and it’s all my fault,” Caedy said. “I know that you just said those things to save her, but I don’t think Joanna cares.”

“Fuck,” I thought. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

“Calm down, Gustav. This isn’t the end of the world,” Dʰéǵʰom advised.

“It might as well be. I fucked up so damn badly! It’s over for me and Joanna!”

“Spellcasters don’t age,” Dʰéǵʰom reminded me. “Even if it takes you centuries, you’ll patch things up eventually. Besides, she loves you like a son. I’m sure you’ll laugh about this a few months from now.”

“How could she love me after what I said, especially in a world like this? It’s impossible!”

“Caedy,” I grit my teeth. “After this quest, you should leave the county and get as far away as you can.”

“Thank you for giving me a head start,” she said.

“Consider yourself lucky. Any other noble would have already killed you.”

The gate creaked open, revealing a lab beyond it. A woman in brown robes ran out with tears flowing from her eyes.

“Thank you so much!” she stated. “I was trapped in here for so long! Get me out of this place!”

Quest complete.

Joanna stayed away from me on the trip back. She kept her distance even after we returned home. While we didn’t get the loot she thought we would, the reward for the quest itself was still enough to keep us afloat for an extra month.

I pulled out numerous financial records, figuring out exactly how much money my family spent on a regular basis and to whom. Afterwards, I looked through history books. Then, I brought the information I had gathered before my parents.

“Mother, father,” I said. “If we didn’t pay taxes, we’d be able to break even with the high elves' current population growth rate and the current rate our family's revenue is increasing.”

Rage crossed my father’s eyes, “Are you suggesting we break the law?”

“Not at all. We need to get Marcher Lord status.”

“How are we supposed to do that? The elves won’t attack us, and the city-states to the South are too busy fighting each other to invade.”

I stated, “The High Elves are peaceful now, but they weren’t always this way. Hundreds of years ago, they raided the surrounding lands for money to buy drugs with. If we weren’t able to give them money, they might go back to raiding again.”

“They might,” father admitted.

“That means we're protecting the border,” I smiled. “We can tell his Majesty this and can get Marcher Lord status. We won’t have to pay taxes, can use the money we no longer have to pay as taxes to placate the high elves, and any extra money I can get us will be a profit or spent if the high elves have a population boom.”

“Absolutely not.”

My father’s words shocked me.

I asked, “Why?”

“This would be the same as defrauding his majesty, even if your logic is correct.”

“Yes,” mother agreed.

“Besides, if you don’t have any other ideas,” father said. “I have a plan of my own to get the money we need.”

“What’s that?” I wondered.

Mother stated, “My brother, Count Luthor, has a daughter who needs a husband. We could get a dowry if you were to marry her.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!

My mind raced at incredible speed. If I just told them that inbreeding’s bad, even if I said Dʰéǵʰom told me that, they’d think that I’m just trying to get out of a marriage! They wouldn’t be wrong, but I only want out because I don't want to fuck my cousin! Arranged marriages are still the norm in this world, even after the nobility no longer aged, so I figured I'd have no choice but to get into one. But there's not a chance in hell that I'm marrying my cousin!

“Dʰéǵʰom, help!” I thought.

“Not now,” he replied. “I’m in the middle of a tense diplomatic meeting with our boy Odin, that fucking rapist Zeus, and Shiva.”

Fuck.

“I have a plan that’ll get us a lot of money,” I said. “It’ll be far more profitable than a dowry from a count.”

Father nodded, “Very good. We can fall back on the marriage plan if this doesn’t work.”

“Of course, Father,” I replied.

I calmly walked out of the room. When I was sure my parents couldn’t see or hear me, I bolted out of our castle and into the city streets.

“Alright, the meeting’s over. What do you need?” Dʰéǵʰom asked.

“My parents want me to marry my cousin!”

“Fuck.”

"No! I don't want to fuck her!" I thought before contemplating, “Can you give some massive revelation or something about how bad inbreeding is?”

“Krewh did that 500 years ago. Most people listened, but cousin marriage was never outlawed in your kingdom, and some nobles think that keeping the bloodline pure is important,” he replied.

Now, I had two goals: getting my family out of debt and getting myself out of having to marry my cousin.

“If I don’t get more money for my family than a countess’ dowry would in my next plan, I’m fucked,” I thought.

“Alright, I’ll help you out,” Dʰéǵʰom said. “First off, magic advances like technology does, but it advances in different ways. Some things are easier to do with magic than technology and vice versa.”

“Go on.”

“Recently, a new magical thing was discovered: how to record images on crystal balls.”

I smiled, “Movies! A multi-billion-dollar industry in my old world!”

Dʰéǵʰom replied, “Exactly, and it just so happens that there’s a playwright with one of the new recording crystal balls in the next city over.”

“Thank you so much! I’ll sacrifice a goat to you,” I promised.

“Please don’t. I hate goat meat,” he said.

I sacrificed a pig instead.

Soon, I was in the town of Svensburg. As much as I wanted her there, I didn’t take Joanna with me. Our relationship was done for, and trying to fix it was pointless. I still found someone I could take.

The minotaur from the dungeon walked alongside me through Svensburg. People around us gazed in awe at the monster. How did I get this minotaur to work for me, you ask? It was simple. I gave him a field of grass to graze on. There aren’t exactly many things cows like to eat in minotaur labyrinths.

We walked over to a theatre where a short, fat man had his head planted on a script.

I asked, “Excuse me, are you Donny Malvito?”

He pulled his head up, “Yeah. What’s it to you?”

“I am Saint Gustav von Blitzburg, son of Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg,” I introduced myself.

“A noble? A saint? A guy with a pet minotaur?” his tone became very respectful as he noticed my family crest on my clothing, got up and bowed. “It’s an honor to meet you, Saint.”

“Please, call me Gustav,” I said. “And the minotaur’s Dr. Minos.”

Donny asked, “What brings you to my humble theatre?”

“I heard you have a crystal ball that can record motion.”

“That’s right! I’m gonna record my plays. Then, I’ll send these recordings all over the place. That way, I can make money in cities too far for my actors to get to.”

“A very good plan,” I stated. “But you don’t seem all too happy.”

“You’re right. My play doesn’t get big enough crowds, you see? The people who see it like it, but it just doesn’t have that pizzaz, you get me?” he asked.

“I get you, and I have a deal for you. If you make me one of the play’s producers and give me a share of the profits, I’ll make it the biggest hit the world’s ever seen.”

Donny said, “No offense, Gustav, but you don’t know much about the theatre business.”

“You’re right, but I know people. No matter where you go, a human is a human. What I’m going to help you with is getting humans to see your play.”

“Alright,” he nodded. “Shoot.”

“First, we need women,” I said. “Not just any women, but attractive women.”

“Women? What are you talkin’ about? Girls can’t act,” Donny stated.

I assured him, “Women can act just as well as men. And, even if they can’t, looking good is sometimes more important than being a good actor. Think about it this way: which would you rather see? A play with a bunch of men dressed up as women or a play with a bunch of beautiful women with big breasts.”

“By the gods,” he realized. “You’re right! And even if we can’t find girls good enough for the main roles, we’ve got plenty of side characters for them to play.”

“Maybe we can even put a scene in the movie that involves girls bathing?” I suggested.

“Oh, I like the way you think! Wait, movie?” he asked.

I said, “It’s short for motion picture. I think it’s what we should call recorded plays.”

Donny shrugged, “Call it whatever you want. I’ll get the contract drawn up right away.”

He stood up before hesitating.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Girls actin’ in a play, and girls with big honkers too. A scene with girls in a bath. A lotta people are gonna say that this play’s corruptin’ the youth.”

“As one of the youth, I can tell you that we’re already corrupted by virtue of our existence.”

“But people will start sayin’ things about us, bad things,” Donny pointed out.

“Hey, Dʰéǵʰom,” I said out loud. “Are you okay with it?”

He stated, “Yes. Just make sure to include a scene with girls mud wrestling.”

“He’s fine with it, and he has an idea of his own.”

“Alright!” Donny smirked.

“I have one more big idea: we need a star,” I said.

“Is Dʰéǵʰom gonna pull it out of the sky for us?”

“Not a literal star,” I stated. “You need someone to play the lead who’ll make a big impression. We need a manly man, the sort of guy men want to be and women want to be with. Even if women don’t normally like your play, they’ll come just to see him.”

Donny smiled, “I know just where we can find the guy. I’ll get our contract written. Then, we’re catchin’ a dragon to the barbarian tribes. They’re about to have their annual Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contests.”