A Second Chance at Martyrdom

450 NR Year of Deep Water Drifting

13 Tarsahk

Momma told me to practice my writing as a way to distract myself, so I asked her to buy me a journal. She kept teasing me that it was a diary, but I wasn't sure of the difference. I think it's a journal but I don't know why. I need to distract myself though, even as I write. The road outside the window is noisy, people are outside driving wagons and enjoying how the snow is gone. I can't enjoy it very much though, because of the noises.

I don't know why, but when I close my eyes, I feel like I can hear the shadows flitting past my eyelids. I don't see them, I hear them. I feel the taste of food as I try to sleep. I feel weightless, yet heavy at the same time as I sleep. These are my feelings and not my feelings, and not even feelings at all. It started at the end of Waukeentide, but other than eating lots of good food I don't know what I did to cause it. Mother just seemed confused when I asked her about it. She wondered if I was sick. I don't feel warm or cold to her, I don't cough, she doesn't know.

She said she'd make time to take me to the Spires of Morning in a few days, she said the priests could help me. I like it when we visit there, but momma and dad are both so busy it's hard to trek across the city to visit.

14 Tarsahk

Momma took me, Sister, and Pelsot, we learned nothing of my feelings.

We waited in line for awhile, Momma managed to get one of the awakened to find me a cleric, a Dawnbringer she had called it. Momma took sister and Pelsot off to some service while I had a private check in with the doctor Dawnbringer. Dawnbringer Selatha took me to a side room and casted some magic, I had little idea what she was doing, but as time went on she seemed frustrated. She confirmed I wasn't lying, that I still felt those weird feelings, and that they hadn't changed when entering the temple.

When we met momma again, Dawnbringer Selatha told her she couldn't really be sure what was going on. She had ideas of what it wasn't, but that didn't help us figure out what it was. Momma seemed concerned as well, but she hid it well when sister asked about it. I don't know if Pelsot was convinced, but he asked no further questions.

What is wrong with me, that I feel such strange feelings? They aren't the same, though they are… similarly strange. The same wrong feelings that feel different things. I hear the lights, I feel the tastes, the weight is always a mix of right and wrong, yet my feet are steady. The dreams too, I've been dreaming strange fragments the last half tenday. Blurs of people with faces I don't know. Buildings I've never seen the likes of. A different ocean? Strange monsters? A god? I don't know these memories, they aren't mine, and yet I have them. Dad told me that most dreams are a way to think and a way to remember, but what does it mean when they are neither?

15 Tarsahk

I had another dream last night. I saw massive dogs like momma tells of in the deep woods, bigger than a horse and covered in spikes. I saw a dragon, or something like it. Wizards casting spells, doing things I don't understand but were certainly dangerous. Lots of shouting, but I couldn't make it out, it was like dipping my head in a bath.

I heard one word with clarity though, Skitter. It was said many times by many people, I eventually was able to make it out. They said it like a name though, or a title? Who'd be named Skitter though?

I don't know what to think of that dream, so I'm writing it down. Dawnbringer Selatha said that if I wrote down the dreams I might remember them better. Even now though, it's hard to remember everything. It helped a little maybe, but I guess the idea is you can go back and read it later? I'll read this again before I go to sleep, but Pelsot is calling for me.

I'm not sure why I'm crying.

I was out playing with Pelsot and his friends, we were tossing around a ball one of their parents had bought for their birthday, I don't even remember who. Yeena had been on my team, and had come up behind me and startled me. She had started laughing when I jumped, her face framed by her curly autumn coloured hair.

Something about that snapped something inside, the sounds in my ears. My head. My heart.

I ran, the feelings overwhelming in a way I hadn't felt before, I stumbled at one point and vomited next to a barrel. Pelsot found me halfway home when he realized I hadn't returned, and helped me walk home. Mom won't be home for awhile yet since she's working. Dad won't be around either even if he's home earlier. I'm writing here, trying to center myself, because I don't know what's wrong.

Am I broken? Selatha couldn't help me, momma couldn't help me, Pelsot doesn't know what happened and I'm not sure how to explain it to him. Could he even help if I did? Probably not, but he'd try and it would hurt him, but would not telling him hurt more?

I don't know.

I must have fallen asleep after writing, I regret it.

The dreams were worse this time, more scary. I saw some of the same people, the dire wolves, the people wearing masks, they seemed to be friends, though some were suspicious. The people without masks were the bad ones though, they had constructs that killed people, and people raised as zombies, and worse monsters fighting for them too. There was a weight too, a responsibility, something needing to be done.

I don't know who I am in the dream, it isn't me, I'm too tall. My hair is too long too, but it's similar to mom's hair? It can't be mom in the dreams though, so who's dreams are they? Are they even dreams at all?

Something about that seems right, and that makes me worried.

Mom held me tight though, that was nice, but I wasn't really upset anymore. I don't even know if I was upset before either, it didn't feel like when sister took my toys without asking.

16 Tarsakh

I got more names in the dreams, they were clearer this time. Lisa, Rachel, Brian, Alec. They were friends in the dream, allies. I realized all the shadows in the dreams weren't shadows, they were bugs. Piles of them, and they were mine.

I don't know any of the names, they don't even sound familiar. Waterdeep might have been fairly multicultural, but only a few were similar to ones I had heard of. Still though, maybe it could be a clue? I'd have to ask one of the teachers at the Font of Knowledge the next time I had lessons.

Then again, I don't have money to pay them to actually investigate it, but Momma said it was better to ask and be rejected than never ask at all. That's how Dad met her.

The pain in my head is worse, but the feelings have a little more clarity? I'm not quite sure, but it felt like some sort of vision, I thought I recognized some silhouettes of some buildings in the neighborhood.

17 Tarsakh

I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS THE DREAMS ARE BAD

Pelsot caught me fuming and managed to calm me down. He took me with him to play with the others at the park across the Snail Trail. Yeena was there, and the silence was… well, we fixed things. She tried to apologize first, but I had to cut her off and explain my headaches to her and the others.

Things were better after that though, distracting. I didn't get many of those feelings while we played, but I could tell some of the others were being a bit careful around me. I'm still not sure what happened with Yeena, but I didn't get panicked the entire time even if she was trying to avoid being behind me.

We were out for a few hours, but eventually we had to disperse when we saw a group of lizardmen skulking out of Book Street. There was a bunch of them, and they looked hungry. Jaythal reminded us of the stories of them eating people in the swamps up north, and Pelsot seemed to believe them. So off we went, most of the group rushing across the Snail Trail and back to our homes.

I'm not sure what I wrote earlier, I don't actually recognize it at all. It's some weird lettering. Maybe it's Elvish? It's certainly flowy enough from what I remember from the script we learned a little about. It's probably from my dreams, I'll have to ask when I go for my lessons tomorrow.

18 Tarsakh

Another terrible sleep, another miserable morning.

It's getting difficult to fall asleep now, or to know when I'm even asleep. Are the feelings I keep getting from the dream, or some weird vision of now? It's hard to distinguish at times. The dream was stranger still, there were different monsters that I'd never seen before. Some sort of humanoid dragon, a hound made of swords, a glowing figure shooting magic and destroying the city. More things to try and find out about I suppose.

After breakfast Momma is taking me out with Pelsot and Jespa to our lessons, so I'll have to see what I can find out. I'll need to duplicate what I wrote earlier, I don't want to share my journal.

I can smell the bacon downstairs.

A lot happened today, new questions, and a few answers.

Lessons at the Font were thankfully brief, I'm mostly just going to improve at this point rather than learning the basics like Jespa. That gave me plenty of time to ask around for some help on what few leads I have, and thankfully I found someone curious enough to provide assistance without charging me ten times my entire allowance for the year.

He was a strange looking man admittedly, a dwarf with the fluffiest beard I'd seen in my life and not a hair atop his head. Orsik Ironfist he said his name was, apparently from a clan up near Neverwinter in the north. He seemed like he was only feigning mild interest when I talked about my dreams, but he started to believe me when I showed him what I had put down in my journal. He figured it was a real language anyway.

We spent the rest of the morning looking over big books about different languages. I realize I'm not as good at reading as I thought.

We couldn't find anything, but Orsik said that was in some ways a positive. He still believed it wasn't just scribbles, which meant that whatever it was had to be something quite foreign. Apparently he'd like to get back to me sometime in Mirtul. He couldn't actually focus much on the case, but it would be a "fun side project" for him to take breaks on.

Apparently he's some sort of wizard sent on a mission to look into something with Dagult Neverember. I guess it makes sense he would be interested in the open lord. Why he would be in a library for that is a little weird, but he seems smart enough to know what he was doing.

I had to leave with Pelsor and Jespa, mostly the latter when her lessons were over.

It was what happened after we left for lunch that was the oddest part of the day. We decided to head over to the market to pick up some pies to eat as we walked home. I felt an urge, no, a pull eastward. My siblings indulged me and my feeling, likely guilty about how I felt recently.

So we went, and followed Andamaar's Way for a time until we heard a noontime bell from a large temple. I hadn't been there before, the Hospice of Saint Lauspenn. Pelsot said it was a temple of Ilmater, was that why I was drawn here, because of my suffering?

We were turned away at reception though, apparently there was a pox around and they were minimizing contact with the non sick. We ended up eating our pies outside on a bench instead, which was likely for the best.

Our meal was joined by one of the priests from inside. He was old, really old, I don't think I've ever talked to someone as old as him. He has the thinnest grey hair atop his head, and he ate his lunch slouched forward. He was kind though, he gave us all a smile as we told him of our morning at the Font. He seemed more perturbed though what I talked about how I was trying to find things from my dreams, and the weird sensations I told him about. He gave us a blessing as we left to go home for the day though.

Maybe I should visit again sometime? At least to have lunch again with Vhaspar.

19 Tarsakh

I think I remember everything now, or… I saw everything? I know about what I was doing Taylor had to struggle through back on Bet. The gangs, the Endbringers, Jack Slash, Scion.

Wait, not Scion, I didn't see how that went, but if I'm still alive that meant he was dead right? Someone must have been the silver bullet, the ace in the hole, to end his rampage. If that's the case though, why am I here do I remember Taylor as if I was there?

At least the headaches are mostly gone. I can feel a few of the bugs, sense a few of them. Not close to what Taylor could do, with maelstroms able to devour those caught in them. Maybe the clarity of the memories helped me understand the bugs, different as they might be to what she knew, the fundamentals are mostly the same.

I haven't smiled like this since it started, but now I feel light on my feet, not weightless, but as if my stress has left me. I am assured now, I think, yet there's still so many questions, so much doubt. Can I answer these questions? Could Taylor? Could Lisa?

My heart aches with melancholy, for friends I fought alongside never met. What would Rachel think? What about Grue? It doesn't matter now. Breakfast will be prepared soon, the day will start. Perhaps I will simply go out and spend it as I want, not tagging along with Pelsot, not going to lessons.

I don't understand what's happened today. It started with me wandering around, feeling the city around me in a brand new way. Whimsical. I enjoyed a lunch from the market, visiting the Hospice once more, though Vhaspar wasn't there to join me this time. I felt a sense of solace though, clarity beyond what I felt before even. I people watched, as they went about their lives, just like all the hundreds of bugs I could feel buzzing about on the street. Wriggling underground, burrowing into people's walls. Well, I did put a stop to that last one, a small commandment in my mind sent them scurrying away to hopefully not do more damage.

It felt like what Taylor would have wanted to do, had she had a more relaxed start to being a cape, if she had been a hero from the beginning.

I kept just immersing myself in what I could feel with the bugs until someone from inside checked to see if I was ok or waiting for someone. It startled me, but I suppose I sort of left myself behind with all my new perspectives.

When I got home, I felt… heavier? Fuller? My mind is adrift in a fog, but not like before where it hurt, rather it felt like I was in so much more, that I was so much more. Taylor felt like that too in my memories, her body just another light amongst the stars, the most important perhaps, but she disassociated sometimes. Maybe it was because of her lack of pain? I didn't feel that detached, I still felt soreness and being tired from my walking for the day.

Yet it still felt familiar, to the experiences that were Taylor's, that weren't Tayvra's.

If each night I feel closer to her, the dreams becoming clearer, the feelings from the bugs hurting less, then what would happen when I woke up in the morning?

I cannot resist sleeping, I'm already tired and I was never good at staying up late.

Taylor says that this is a point of no return, I believe her. How can I not when I have her entirety in my dreams?

What else can I do, but let the die be cast?

Author's Note

So then, that's the first chapter from the perspective of Tayvra, the poor victim in all of this. Can you make a joke about Taylor victimizing young children?

Yes, probably, but it's in bad taste still.

Anyway I know journal entries like this is a weird niche for a worm fic, but it's kind of common on the D&D side of things. I have probably enough for a chapter 2 already written, so I'll try and remember to post that sometime soon.

The story is starting with Taylor as a small child for now, but I have plotted out the story to go through various events in her childhood until she becomes old enough to be a proper adventurer. After that, I'll be going through all sorts of D&D adventures both official content, assorted third party, and naturally a lot of my own making.