A Murder Wizards Adventure

It didn't take long for me to hear the screams.

I'd barely left the street when the death knell of the Uzumaki's Jutsu rang in my ears, followed by the screams of the attackers.

I suppose I underestimated their vigour in hunting us, because that was definitely not twenty seconds.

It wasn't long then, that silence returned.

I refused to think about what that meant.

I can think about it later, right now, I have to survive.

Otherwise, what would have been the point...?

As I keep running deeper into the city, perpendicular to the army's path, I use the temporary respite to think.

I need a plan, I've always been the type to make up new plans on the spot, so it isn't difficult for me to come up with a few plans, most of which are immediately discarded.

Thankfully, my rather large reserves are mostly full, I finally broke Jonin chakra reserves not too long ago, and with my rather cheap fighting style, chakra wise, I have more than enough.

The only elemental Jutsu I use with any regularity is elemental infusion, to increase cutting strength, now I don't need to keep aiming for the neck, since body armour won't stop a wind chakra infused tanto.

Now, the plan.

I can't just run away, no matter how good my stealth is, their net is simply too wide, even if they don't sense my chakra, they will just 𝘴𝘦𝘦 me once I hit the coast, it's not like there's much cover on the ocean after all.

I can't hide under the water either, because the Hoshigaki are no doubt surrounding the island, any attempts to leave underwater will just result in being drowned.

Hiding is only half a viable option. This is Uzu, they are going to be going through the island with a fine-toothed comb, looking for anything left behind that could teach them the famed Uzumaki sealing, and while I could rotate my hiding spots around the army as they search, the chances of being caught are too high.

Thankfully, they won't find anything anyway. The Uzumaki's have what they call a library scroll, which is the only sealing scroll I know of that can seal other sealing scrolls. Tsukino wanted to destroy the scroll, so the knowledge dies with them, but with my plan, he had hope.

Hope that the clan can rebuild in Konoha.

That isn't really helpful for me right now though.

The only option I see, is to pretend I'm one of them.

But I won't take light of their informational security.

Meaning I can't just show up and be like 'Who am I? I'm one of you, of course!' and expect it to work.

Instead, I'm going to need to take someone's place.

Fuck this is a stupid idea.

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest at how easily this could all go wrong.

Thankfully the endorphins are just what I need right now, to remove my doubt, and to gain confidence from how good it feels to be so close to discovery.

Now I need to pick a target.

Kirigakure is an easy choice, since most of them fit into the stereotype of 'bloodthirsty shinobi' I won't have to worry so much about blending in. Just stay quiet and if anyone questions me, threaten to kill them.

Easy.

Kumogakure are much more normal and diverse, so it would be too difficult to pretend to be someone else.

That decided, I ghost over to the advancing Kiri forces, towards the edge of their march.

A part of me had hoped they would be stupid and split up into smaller groups, but no the group I've decided to infiltrate must be a regiment of 200 shinobi.

And they definitely have sensors, easy enough to identify by the fact that they're leading everyone else. Thankfully, so long as I am focusing on my stealth and not using chakra for anything else, I can hide from sensors now.

Still, this just got harder.

I forgot about sensors.

Now I need to implement a smokescreen of sorts, and I see two options, either I do something, not sure what, but something to distract the sensors as I kill and swap with someone.

But while that seems the easier option, it also seems more likely to fail, and I don't fancy my chances running away. I'm fast, yes, but even if I'm better, my stamina is still dogshit.

That leaves the other option, I disguise the chakra of my little magic trick with a jutsu, making it just seem like whoever I'm about to become was just using a jutsu, nothing more nothing less please look away now and focus on something not me.

Mentally I sigh, it's never easy, is it?

Well, it wouldn't be fun if it was easy.

With a smile on my lips and a pounding in my chest, I shadow the group, sticking near the leftmost edge, watching the shinobi around me, looking for who would be the best target. Really, I'm trying to learn someone's name, because honestly the most important part for pretending to be someone is to know their name.

It's not difficult information to gain when your disguised, just pretend you don't hear someone talking to you until they shout you're name, but that would attract some very unwanted suspicion.

Thankfully, these guys aren't proper ninja, which is to say they aren't ANBU, which is to say that they completely lack in discipline, which, again, is to say, they are happily talking away.

Thanks to this I know plenty of names, I only paid half an ear to what they were saying, the words aren't as important as the tone, I need to know how they hold themselves, how they react to certain things.

Eventually, my eyes are firmly on one team, I assume they're a team at least, I wouldn't put it past Kiri to just not have any kind of team system and instead just do whatever because fuck you.

Anyway, there are seven of them, I suppose they were inspired by the famed swordsmen or something, because they all have some kind of bladed weapon, thankfully one of them uses a pair of short swords, and while I've never really duel wielded swords before... well, no time like the present to learn, right?

The guy I'm going to replace is called Ruuku Yotabun, and he is a, maybe 27 year old man, dark blue hair, nearly black, and an angry, brutish face with a crooked nose. Seriously how more like stereotypical bad guys could Kiri be?

Anyway, from what I've seen, he's kinda quiet, which suits me just fine, he is also an asshole, but I think that's just par for the course here since his traveling companions don't even bat an eye whenever he does choose to speak and adds plenty of vitriol to his words, completely unnecessarily.

Which is going to suck for me, because I have a 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 about being polite. You don't have to be nice, but you can at least be polite. There's no need to yell or add insults unprovoked.

It's unsightly, and now I'm going to have to immerse myself in this uncivilised behaviour if I want to survive, which I do.

I'm going to need a shower after this, they are just so disgusting.

Not in a hygiene way, though they could be better, but they just keep being loud and violent and 𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘦 and it makes my skin itch.

Mentally sighing again, even lamenting that I cannot sigh out loud, I continue to wait.

I had thought about using a Jutsu of my own as the disguise, but I have no idea what he's capable of, or what he would prefer- OH SHIT!

HAND SEALS!

Fuck. I am glad I remembered that before jumping in, if I use a jutsu, I need to remember to use hand seals....

Shit.

I can't remember what hand seals do what.

Fuck.

It was never important. I don't like hand seals and I don't need them, so I never learned them.

Shit.

Ok. not all is lost. The asshole has two swords, surely it wouldn't be too hard to believe if he wanted to use them instead of jutsu, right?

Fuck.

I can only hope so.

Goddamnit.

But I like it!

Just add to the challenge eh?

I can feel my smile reach deranged levels, but I let it, if anything it will help me blend in, these guys are all clearly deranged too, after all.

I keep following from the shadow, until, finally, they are breaking through the debris of the city now, using plenty of jutsu.

I wait until Ruuku Yotabun uses a water Jutsu that made a small horizontal waterfall to clear some debris in an alley to the side, moderately alone, it's a better chance than anything else.

So, the instant the Jutsu leaves his lips (I made sure to memorise the hand seals and effects, that's one Jutsu I can use) I layer my favourite Genjutsu, the False Surroundings technique around him, to make it look like he's still there and nothing's wrong, then I shunshin to his side, quickly cut him in half with a wind infused tanto, grab both his short swords and seal his two parts away in the same movement.

Then before I even blink, I activate henge, taking on his appearance and standing with his slouched posture completely still, as I allow my Genjutsu version of Ruuku move to where I am, exactly as I am, the moment we overlap, I dispel the Genjutsu and continue poking around the alleyway, before seeming to get bored, shrugging and returning to the others, not even a hint of my beating heart showing on my face.

Fun fact about that, it was pointed out to me that my heart beating so much could give me away, but I commissioned a seal that I can stick to my chest that mimics a normal heartbeat and hides mine, I was planning on getting it tattooed on, but I'd need to figure that our myself, so it's a long way yet.

Still, I return to the group ready to continue to go house, looking for anything Fuinjutsu related.

"OI! Ruuku, ya fin' any'in'?!"

I turn to face a guy with a too big sword, must be impractical to wield, and I bet it has a terrible personality.

"The fuck you think!? Is'a Fuckin' alley! Nat a fuckin' store ya wet cunt!"

Was that too over the top?

"There coulda' been som'in asshole!"

And with that final insult the guy turns away to stop into another house, grumbling about something or other.

I'm just glad these guys are idiots.

Still, I dutifully do 'my' job, going house to house, pillaging like pirates, breaking shit and being an asshole to my team.

The fact that I genuinely don't like them helped to hide my disgust with how I'm acting and made my insults a lot more real.

A few hours later, and we're setting up camp, five camps, one thousand shinobi in each camp.

And of course, my group had to be sociable, or at least what passes as sociable with these assholes, which means I'm right in the middle of a camp of one thousand shinobi, all of whom would kill me with glee.

Honestly, I've never been so glad to be so young, otherwise my excitement would be much more visible.

Though the fact that these assholes are all disgusting to me does ruin the mood a little, but eh, it is what it is.

Apparently, we're going to rest the night, then continue searching and looting, then we're going to head back in the evening of tomorrow.

I should be more or less free then, with my stealth escaping shouldn't be difficult when I actually have some cover, like the forests of Hi no Kuni.

Reluctantly, I continue to interact with people until it gets late enough that people start going to bed, and unfortunately, I have no idea where I'm supposed to be sleeping, so I just wait until one of my team heads to bed, and excuse myself along with him, and just follow him. when we get to a tent, that doesn't look as big as I was hoping, the guy I'm with, Houki Dewaki, my mid supplies, turns to me with a savage smile.

"So ya wanna have sum' fun wit' me tonite den eh?"

Oh.

Fuck.

Shit fuck.

FuckShitFuckShitFuckFuckFuck.

They have this kind of relationship?

Fuck.

Was it wrong of me to just assume they'd be homophobic?

I guess back in the day, people were much more sexually open, at least in some places. Just because someone is an asshole, doesn't mean their homophobic. Lesson learned.

Okay, this isn't as bad as it seems, I am really good at genjutsu after all.

Reassured with myself, I just give a similar smile back,

"The fuck ya waiting for den?"

He lights up like a kid on Christmas which is just really weird considering the situation, and kinda ironic since I'm actually a kid.

Anyway, he leads me into his tent, and as soon as I enter, I just put him in a Genjutsu that 'shows the pleasures you desire'. At least that's the description the scroll gave me, I haven't had it used on me, nor have I talked with anybody about what it's like, I just hope it's what I think, and not something that is obviously a Genjutsu.

And as I watch Houki get on his hands and knees on the bed, I realise that it did work as intended, and I also now know who the top is, which is more information than I ever wanted.

I just plug my ears and face the tent wall, waiting for this nightmare to be over.

Which it eventually is, but I am definitely going to need to talk to Yamada about this, because this is just traumatising.

Oh yeah, I got a new therapist. Apparently my old one didn't know I was ANBU and we also have our own, ANBU specific therapists, which I only got once I got my new name.

She's great, just as fun as Koi, but I can actually freely talk about my missions with her.

After a while of failing to sleep, I decide that's probably for the best, I don't want Houki to get handsy in his sleep.

So, I just stay awake, lying next to a very happy man, counting down the seconds until I can go home and drown in a hot bath for a while.

I've never felt so dirty, and I've been literally caked in dirt and blood before.

What a shit day.

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A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!

OoooOooOo stuff is happening, some of its kinda sus, also I gave him a new therapist because I didn't like the name Koi and Yamada is a cool reference to something i like, I also corrected two chapters ago where i mentioned Koi, it now says Yamada

I don't believe in pay walling chapters, and I never will, however, if you do want to support me and my ability to pay rent, then I created a ko-fi so please consider donating! even just a pound, of course only if you're financially stable please

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