A Dark Fantasy Spy

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Summary of the Previous Episode

After an astonishing 500 episodes, Colonel Frederick finally awakens! He gets hit by a “Great Magical Amazing Sparrow (Archmage)” with a million volts of Fire Punch and gains the talent of ‘Squirrel Thunder.’

Having inherited ‘Squirrel Thunder,’ he seeks enlightenment from ‘Thor, the God of Thunder,’ who indulges in the unique hobby of cross-dressing—something only allowed for real men—and heads towards ‘Asgard’ (not Ass-guard).

“Um?!”

Frederick, sprawled out on the sand dune, suddenly comes to his senses.

His body feels as heavy as lead, and his brain is creaking oddly.

While he remembers awakening through Squirrel Thunder and shooting out purple lightning, he doesn’t recall why he’s here.

“……”

With great effort, he lifts his upper body to behold an unbelievable sight.

Blue flames dance chaotically across the desert.

A pair of fire skewers are stuck in the sand, next to them is Camila, cheering on her fiery display.

The fiercely shot blue flames surge forward, but when a purple lightning bolt strikes, the inferno loses its vigor, scattering embers into the sky.

– Crackle…!

“Aaahhh!”

A scream rings out as his vision flashes.

The pig struck directly by purple lightning reveals everything beneath its skin (skeleton style) in a cartoonish fashion, squealing like a butchered pig.

Frederick, staring blankly at this surreal scene, let out a sigh of realization.

“…Ah.”

That’s right.

I was engaged in a 1 vs 2 battle with the Duke.

The foolish mortal came to grips with reality, but it was already too late. The purple lightning had plenty left over to share with the squirrels.

“Ughhh!”

“Aaaahhh!”

The sounds of pig butchering and squirrels frying swept over the quiet desert.

—

Episode 18 – The Man Club

A pair of men and women, deep-fried to perfection, struggled to regain their senses.

“Ugh…”

“Squeak…”

Their limbs trembled! Their faces were charred black!

The smoky aroma, rich in 48 different carcinogens represented by benzopyrene, wafted up as they looked dreadful—Frederick and Camila were nothing short of embodiments of terribleness.

– Poke. Poke.

Lucia poked them with a stick she pulled from the back of a monster.

(Actually, it was a turtle monster living by the river, a nature-loving friend that had trees growing on its shell. For the record, Akande had butchered it for today’s dinner.)

“Are you alright?”

“Ughhh…”

Fried to a crisp, Frederick barely managed to nod in response.

Lucia threw down the stick she had painstakingly retrieved and turned to Francesca and Akande, who had come along to watch, saying this.

“You’re doomed.”

“…Who are you killing here…”

The Archmage’s phenomenal cooking skills amazed even the saint who knew nothing about magic and the barbarian warrior. Naturally, the alchemist with deep knowledge of magic was no exception.

“Lightning is a high-difficulty elemental magic. It’s not just hard to control its power, but hard to use it at all…”

Francesca, rubbing her cheek, mumbled as Lucia couldn’t contain her curiosity and fired off a question.

“Is it that advanced a magic?”

The alchemist firmly asserted—it’s incredibly difficult magic.

“Yes, it is.”

“What’s the specific level?”

“Lightning magic is one of the banned magics even at the Magic Tower where wizard duels are held, regardless of the wizard’s skills.”

This indicated how hard it was to control its power.

With the testimony of someone from the Magic Tower Secretariat, Lucia couldn’t help but feel at a loss.

“Is it amazing that you survived such a dangerous spell… or is it remarkable that you can lower the power of even banned magic?”

“Both, I suppose. I don’t think I could emerge unscathed from here.”

Francesca chuckled softly. Lucia ignored the muttered curse from Camila upon hearing that voice.

“Though you fought together, you both did quite well against the old lady. Especially you, Colonel.”

“You managed to keep your composure after being struck by lightning four times! I was genuinely impressed.”

Frederick, listening quietly, muttered inwardly. That wasn’t me enduring it…

But, of course, neither of them could hear, so Lucia and Francesca continued their lively conversation.

“However, you unleashed lightning even without being able to use magic. Even considering the magical tool’s assistance, your precision and power seemed comparable to Duke himself.”

“Could it be a technique that reproduces absorbed magic? How fascinating. It seems even the Hero has improved in terms of magic compared to the past when he struggled with insufficient magic power… so the old lady’s methods must be working.”

“I think the same.”

At that moment, Frederick and Camila simultaneously thought: We completely disagree, you lot…

With the concerned saint and the intrigued alchemist in one corner, the barbarian warrior, driven by a 1+1 chicken night event, exclaimed excitedly towards them.

“Look! Purple lightning! The frying skills are top-notch! Let’s get those chickens prepped!”

“Why chickens…?”

“But we can’t eat this.”

Akande pointed to a pair of chickens rolling around in the sand (perfect harmony of a male and female!). He looked very glum.

Just then, Frederick and Camila, without saying a word, raised their middle fingers.

“Those rascally siblings just can’t help but cause a ruckus.”

A cooking expert who creates something from nothing, Duke Alexandra Petrovna appeared, strolling back with her arms crossed.

Upon seeing Frederick and Camila holding their middle fingers, the Archmage began to stew, clicking her tongue disapprovingly.

“I only gave you a jolt strong enough to tense your muscles. Why are you two still glued to the ground and refusing to get up? Did I perhaps put honey on the ground? If not, get moving. It’s embarrassing to watch.”

The Duke, witnessing their antics, couldn’t decide what to say as her face turned a shade of red.

“……”

Frederick sought help with a heart full of sorrow, but unfortunately, everyone was preoccupied.

Lucia was thinking of swinging a mace and fled, while Akande dashed off to fight the newly-appeared monsters. (??: Stay back. Please. Just go away.)

It seemed there was no choice but to rely on Francesca, but she too needed to create magical tools to beat the Archmage. In essence, no one here could provide help.

“Damn it…”

Old tales speak of family being all you can rely on, and that’s no lie.

Tears, rolling down his cheeks mixed with soot, Frederick could only pray this was sweat.

As the despairing Camila and crying Frederick made a lovely tear-filled scene, the Duke’s stern voice began to reach their ears.

“Pull yourselves together. Failure is the cornerstone of success. Don’t despair, keep moving forward. And a man should not shed tears like this.”

“……”

“Once you’re back to your senses, prepare for our next training session. In the meantime, I’ll check on the other children. Please don’t disappoint me this time.”

A silent scream emanated from them but reached the Duke’s ears.

With shaky steps, they began preparations for what must be the umpteenth training session.

—

*

Though Camila and I were getting thrashed 1+1 style, if you ask, “But were only the two of you thrashed?” the answer is, “Not at all!”

The human modification furnace had five pupils it had taken in. The education was fair and equal for all.

“Ugh!”

With all my might, I delivered a strike, but it flew completely off course. As if chasing a mirage, the mace barely brushed past, not even touching a tiny bit.

“Simplistic movements. While honesty may be a virtue of saints, in fighting, you must forsake honesty.”

The reeds painted half moons while a white shooting star chased the magician.

Light steps delivered no power. Without any tricks or strength, I dashed lightly across the sand.

Therefore, the Archmage effortlessly dodged my kick without exerting much effort.

“Confidence in your strength is commendable, but the saint must recognize her circumstances more accurately.”

Green mirrors twirled in the air.

Reflections and refracted lights teased my vision, as rings collided, producing a cheerful noise.

“Using natural materials for distraction… what a brilliant idea. No matter how strong a magician may be, they are but a mere human, and they can’t go against nature.”

The Archmage frowned, focusing her senses.

As the line and blade tightened like a constrictor, the Archmage maintained her composure while crossing her arms.

Just in the nick of time, the defensive circle deployed, deflecting all the green blades.

“But, dear child. This is magic.”

Between the swirling green blade winds, the Archmage fixated on the young alchemist commanding the lines.

“It’s about making the impossible, possible.”

In an instant, a crisp sound rang out, immediately followed by dark clouds rolling in. The once dazzling mirrors lost their power and degenerated into mere blades.

“A magician should always find their way, even when cornered. Through magic, that is.”

A sizable figure lunged forward, kicking me in the chest.

Like a bear’s paw, the swinging fist pummeled its target mercilessly, and the outstretched kick resembled that of a horse.

“Definitely a human, yet the fighting style is no different from a beast. Truly extraordinary. In my lifetime, I’ve encountered many rivals, but never one like you.”

Savage beasts cannot be blocked by anything.

The famed strength of the Guardian Academy crumbled before overwhelming power, and the Academy’s barrier failed to stop the wild horse’s charge.

“The more I see, the more I find your strength bizarre. Unknowable in origin and difficult to understand. If such a homework was given to me in my twilight years, boredom would no longer exist in my life.”

Three blue flames began jumping around the space.

The gallop of excitement chased the animal, and the fleeing beast was soon pierced by three arrows.

“The power and momentum are all fine, but there’s a lack of judgment. What good does it do to run away when magic can slip through?”

“Fire! Scary! Very scary!”

“Tsk tsk… is there a savage animal in the whole world that runs away in front of a hunter? Beasts are born as hunters, not prey, yet in fighting, they act like tigers, but run away behaving like deer.”

The Duke dismantled everything with cruel, fair actions.

How skillful could one be, there was not a single corner for complaints to arise.

“Ugh…! The silver-haired girl. Too strong. More fearful than my mother…”

“While you show mercy in your hands, His Grace can be quite harsh. Show me your injuries. It’s best to heal while you still have the energy.”

“Very grateful. Overwhelmingly grateful. But where did the alchemist go?”

“She said she’d need to step out for arrangements. She finally found a clue, but the magical tools are broken, so she needs to fix them.”

Lucia, Francesca, and Akande took turns sparring with the Duke. Surprisingly, the one who landed the most hits was Akande.

Curious about the reason, he replied that he had often fought when in his tribe.

“I am Shamir. If my tribe is in danger, I protect ahead. That is Shamir. So, I am used to it.”

“Ah, really? I thought you’d just gotten into brawls or something.”

“Of course. That too, often. Dog fights. I am the most confident of all.”

“Shut up…”

That was a brag.

Lucia and Francesca were making good progress as well. However, even the leading Akande had never beaten the Duke, so a dramatic victory tomorrow seemed unlikely.

Still, if they trained steadily, they could soon claim a win.

The Archmage, having faced all five pupils, confidently declared, “You will likely exit this place within three months. And there will surely be plenty of time left.”

If the Archmage said that, it could be seen not as a prediction but as prophecy.

With this assessment on their side, everyone perked up.

Yet, true to the ill-tempered old man (watching him closely, the Duke was quite temperamental), he didn’t wrap things up warmly.

“If you hadn’t made excuses to play half-heartedly out of fear of not wanting to return, you might have even expedited that timeframe.”

“Ah—Professor!”

“Is there any fault in my words?”

The disciple complained, “Could you say that kindly?” but the master paid no heed.

The Duke merely scoffed while saying click-tongue.

“A troublesome brat like you will whine, yet you have no inclination to put effort into training.”

“Ugh…”

It was then that Camila, wearing a grim expression, suddenly caught the Duke’s eye as he wandered with his arms crossed.

“Wait. Did you sneak a snack? Why is there residue around your lips?”

“…Oh, no! I must’ve been mistaken!”

“Hah… You can’t get away with this. Go prepare for the duel immediately.”

“Eeeek!”

Caught snacking without the master’s knowledge (Akande’s special recipe – locally sourced ingredients), the disciple screamed.

As I chuckled while watching her, a sudden chill ran down my spine, and an ominous sense washed over me.

Sure enough.

The Duke picked me as a 1+1 promotional item as well.

“You go along as well.”

“Huh?”

“What’s with the surprise? It’s already been several days since you trained with the child.”

Wait, is this a joint training session or a set menu of a promotion? I can understand if they bundled Camila; why me too?

“……”

With a frowny face, Akande across the way began making a fuss.

“This guy suddenly looks like a frog! Would be quite chewy when fried!”

Please just be quiet.

—

The guards from the Embassy of the Kingdom of Abas stationed in the Jamria Federation (the place that was raided by the Duke) cry out in despair as they take a beating from the joint inspection. The Kien Empire’s Department of Foreign Affairs yells, “Save me!” as the five pupils undergo their transformations into men in the furnace of human modification (this is emphasized: three of them are women) during this very moment. Duke Alexandra Petrovna continues her relentless training with Camila and Frederick ahead of the 1 vs 2 showdown.

“I’ve emphasized it several times, ‘Barbara’ can serve as a sword or shield, depending on the user’s intent.”

The Archmage, seated on a rock like a sage, lowered her voice.

“I hope you will record more defensive magic on ‘Barbara’ to become a shield for the children. I have no right to involve myself in your life, so how you use ‘Barbara’ is entirely up to you.”

So, she asked… what type of magic would they primarily like to record?

After a moment’s thought, I answered her.

“I’ll go with offensive magic.”

“Do you have a reason?”

There was no special reason.

National strength lies not in defense but in offense!

I declared proudly, and Camila, hearing this from beside me, began to glare at me with the expression of ‘What’s with this guy?’ Of course, I didn’t care a bit.

The Duke nodded, deeming my answer not bad. It seems she truly embodies the spirit of a dictator. (At this point, that’s habitual defamation.)

“Very well. I shall assist you in recording offensive magic onto ‘Barbara.’ I presume you understand how.”

“Ah… of course.”

The method she mentioned meant enduring magic head-on.

The Archmage, not being the creator, couldn’t know the specifics, but if Giovanni Ranieri left a record, she’d check and inform me later, stating that in the meantime, I should record magic this way.

For me, as ‘Barbara’ would keep me safe, I had no complaints about it. Still, standing still while magic gets thrown at me doesn’t quite sit well.

“Hmmm…”

Is this really the best way? If I die, wouldn’t I just be shoved into a workers’ comp claim? Should I just return ‘Barbara’ and cry out, “Just give me anything and spare me!” right now?

Deep in contemplation, the Archmage had already approached Camila for a chat.

“With her limited magic power, you can now use accurate and powerful spells. Well done.”

“Eh, what are you talking about~ Hehe.”

“Just the other day, it seems like you were a wild child wielding strange fire skewers. But here you are, reaching this level already….”

The Archmage’s blue eyes welled up with emotion. When she told him to practice magic, she got an unusual fire skewer back, with Camila going ‘Zing! Zing! Zing! Save me!’ Yet finally, she seems to have become a proper magician.

It must mean the teacher’s method was right.

When thrown out into the snowfield and asked, ‘Hey sis, go catch a thousand beasts instead. Cheer up my disciple!’ that made her genuinely furious.

But ultimately, this method led to her becoming an Archmage and made the disciple a proper magician and human. Perhaps, indeed, the teacher’s method was wise.

“Umm…”

No, wait, even so, leaving a girl alone in a mountain full of monsters was a bit extreme.

Had Camila learned mind reading, she would have been crying blood at that very moment, deciphering the Duke’s inner thoughts.

“Master, was it not a serious issue throwing me into a desert filled with monsters? You’re seeming a bit senile over a hundred years old, aren’t you….”

Of course, Camila wasn’t a mind reader, and the Duke hadn’t voiced his thoughts, so the conversation ended warmly without any sign of the disaster (????: You vile one, dare to necromancy…! / ???: Isn’t it funny, professor? Everyone was training so diligently…).

“Having caught a clue and mastered the efficient use of magic, it will lead you across the wall.”

“Really?”

“Indeed.”

The Archmage affectionately ruffled Camila’s hair and asked if she had a wish.

Camila answered without hesitation.

“Food! Snacks!”

“That’s off the table.”

“Eeeek…”

With what she had longed for vanishing right before her, Camila’s expression fell, but thankfully, there was something she desired just as much, and the Duke could readily grant her wish.

Magic.

Camila asked to be taught a new spell, and the Duke declared it an easy wish, telling her to state everything she wanted.

“Very well. What spell would you like to learn?”

“That purple lightning one!”

“Fulgor?”

“Yes!”

The disciple nodded vigorously! The teacher smiled broadly!

It was a benign smile that appeared totally normal. However, for some reason, Camila couldn’t help but feel a strange premonition.

What’s this? It felt as though insects were crawling over her body. No way… surely not?

“Um, Professor? Could it be that… you plan to tackle the duel, record offensive magic, and teach ancient magic all at once?”

“…….”

“…That’s not what you mean, right?”

“…….”

The Duke smiled, and Camila muttered to herself.

This event unfolded a full seven seconds before the lightning struck above the heads of the two.

—

And a month passed.