Zoey’s Story

“So many stories of my youth talked about the promise of fully immersive gaming. And while it’s sometimes awe-inspiring to realize that we have made that world a reality, it hasn’t stopped the same regressive idiocies from slipping in. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about phone apps or neuro-magnetic projections onto the sensory neurons of the sleeping brain, people are still going to try to shoehorn in micro-transactions and unskippable advertisements.”

-Doctor Haruka Nishimoto, Co-Chair and Co-founder of the REMnet Collective
Interview with Gotaku.com, November 22nd, 2027

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What the hell am I doing?!

In a single moment of sheer, existential terror, that was the only question that could fit inside my head.

I forced myself to take stock of my situation. To center myself in the hopes that my fears would settle.

The date was June 12th, 2035. It was release day for Realms of Eternal Magic, the latest and hottest Virtual Reality Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game for the REMbox (or VRMMORPG for short, even if the acronym did little to make it any easier to say). 

Everyone was currently waiting in line to experience the next level in gaming, myself included. 

The building had been rented solely for the game and its release. An old, weathered brick department store, right in the heart of downtown. The line was stretching out into the street and around the block. Excited fans like me were suffering outside in the blistering summer haze wafting off of the pavement, all for this game. While the lines were thankfully nestled under overhanging tent-like covers to keep the sunlight off… the heat wasn’t going anywhere. 

And it was all worth it, as far as I was concerned.  I was so excited to play this game that I would have been waiting on the surface of the sun, if that was what it took.

Of course, this was more than a little strange for a modern video game release. Who the hell bought games in stores? Normally you would just download it off the app store, install it on your REMbox and just stream while you dream like with any other REMsoft game. “Brick and mortar” stores were pretty much nonexistent in this day and age. Automated delivery drones and holoprojection had made them completely unnecessary. 

And while some of the older crowd around me seemed nostalgic about the experience of waiting in line like this (talking about something called a “game-stop”), I could only shake my head at the idea. The concept of waiting in line for games like it was an amusement park ride was surreal. It called to mind the stone ages of gaming where people would stick cartridges into consoles and would be connected to those ancient, bulky TV screens. It felt akin to stepping into a museum.

As far as I was concerned, you should be able to just download it like any other piece of REMsoft. But there was a special gimmick with Realms of Eternal Magic. Something which required a more expensive and in-person purchase. 

Because, in order to play RoEM,  you needed to be scanned with digital modeling technology. In this game, you are not a fictional character. You’re not an orc or elf or dwarf. You are yourself. You simply stand in a specialized imaging box and your in-game avatar is rendered to match your in-person appearance. Your avatar is just you. Your face, your height, your shape and everything.

They called it the “isekai experience”  (I had no idea where the name came from or what it meant) and it was supposed to be the foundation for the next level of realism in REMsoft gaming. The whole premise of the game was that human players have been suddenly dropped into a fantasy world and the denizens of the game were all supposed to react to your arrival as you made your way in the world and went on adventures. And it was supposed to be more immersive when your avatar reflected your own appearance.

This digitization, of course, wasn’t entirely complete. 

You weren’t expected to strip down to your underwear as you stepped into the scanner (as at least one person discovered before he was hauled off the premises by security). According to what I read online, the process looked at your head, face and the shape of your body and went off of that to create your avatar. But the models were still supposed to be reasonably true-to-life. 

According to articles and rumors, everything about the in-game experience was supposed to be completely lifelike. The beta-testers and press reviewers would not stop talking about how immersive it was. It was really like you, yourself, would be running around a virtual fantasy world. While plenty of other games had made the same promises over the years, all the sources seemed to be in agreement:

The developers of Realms of Eternal Magic finally cracked the code.

And while this was quite literally a dream-come-true for me and every other gamer on the planet to be able to step into a fully realized world as our real-world selves… it also left me with a bit of a conflict. 

I don’t like myself. And I definitely don’t like my body.

 At all.

I had no desire to be stuck in a hyper-realistic game if it meant looking like myself.

One of the biggest reasons I played VRMMORPGs was because I hated my body. I hated how I looked in the mirror. I despised the horrible, gangly, scarecrow-like form I had grown into. The best part of a game was being able to customize my avatar so I could look like someone else. I could lie down and go to sleep with my REMbox headset on and while I surfed the REMnet, I could look better. I could escape that ugly face in the mirror.

I mean, sure, the other games that I played didn’t have anywhere near the graphics that Realms of Eternal Magic was supposed to. Even after years of playing Runes of Rath, the graphics still looked like ass. My avatar in that game was a blocky and barely-textured mess. But even so, my digital avatar didn’t look like my real body. I didn’t have to look in the digital mirror and see a monster.

The idea of being stuck in this game and being stuck with my own face... my body... it was a literal nightmare. It was bad enough to deal with it in the waking world. But the idea of living with my appearance day and night… it was unthinkable. 

The REMbox was supposed to be my escape.

Of course, there was the obvious suggestion: “Hey, don’t play the new game if it upsets you so much”. There were plenty of others to occupy my time.

But this game was just too good. All of the promos, all of the reviews and all of the hype made it irresistible. This was the game everyone was going to be playing for years. 

And most importantly, Gavin, the only real friend I had in the world, wouldn’t be playing anything else. Nobody was going to be playing any other game. I couldn’t miss out on this!

But, I couldn’t stand playing this game if I was stuck looking like a freak.

So... I came up with one of the most insane ideas I’ve ever considered. The idea that put me in this current situation as I stood in line, in blistering heat, pressed against all these other people and undergoing an existential crisis.

I would cheat. I would make myself look… better. Something more tolerable. So that when I went into the scanning booth in the hopefully-air-conditioned building at the end of this line I could have a better avatar. I could have a form that I could stand wearing while playing this game.

It wasn’t completely unreasonable. I saw that a sizable number of people had taken pains to look their best for their digitization. Girls were wearing their extensive makeup and were sporting… well, figures that only came from carefully-applied padding. Other guys were sucking in their guts and eying their muscles nervously. All over the net, the hottest trend was for would-be players to meet their digital goals, or become #DigiFit as they called it. Would-be players were posting their selfies for bragging rights and advice. Everyone was trying to look their best when they got scanned for their avatars. It wasn’t weird that I would try to do the same. 

But what was extremely weird was that I was a boy who had taken significant pains to look like a girl for my digitization.

Yes… I wanted to look like a girl. And as much as I hated to admit it, this wasn’t anything new for me.

I remembered the first time I put on a girl avatar. It was some free-to-play MMORPG that barely functioned and the graphics looked like they belonged in the 2010’s. I had been scrolling through the character creation options and, on a whim, I tried to see what the female options looked like. It was strange, but even while I was wearing this low rez, blocky mess of an avatar, I somehow felt... better. Something twisted inside me from looking in the mirror and seeing long hair and breasts and wearing a dress. Polygonal or no.

I took so long going through character generation that I never even got to play the game during that first night. I spent the whole night tinkering with my design and just... getting lost in the reflection.

The next night, I fully intended to go back to a male avatar. My guildmates would make fun of me and wouldn’t want to hang out with me looking like that. Gavin wouldn’t be seen dead with me if I pretended to be a girl. But the moment I logged into the game again, I just couldn’t bring myself to go back. I started up the game looking like a girl.

If looking like a girl was giving me confusing feelings, being treated like one made things even stranger. Computer-controlled Non-Player-Characters or “NPC”s and other players alike would call me “miss” or refer to me as “that girl”. And, truthfully, the armor and clothes selections for girls felt so much better and looked better too.

I gave some weak excuses to my guildmates when I eventually met up with them. I told them that I was planning to pretend to be a girl to scam better loot out of other players. That there were some items that you could only use as a girl. And while they made a few jokes about it, we went out questing and didn’t talk about it beyond that. The rest of our party was made up of orcs, trolls, goblins, gnomes and elves… none of whom matched the real-world appearances of their players. Being a girl wasn’t that strange by comparison. 

But, whatever my excuses were, looking like a girl just made the experience better for me. I liked looking pretty, even if I would never admit it to the others.

But what I was doing right now was different. We were supposed to be reflecting our “true” appearances for this game. And I was essentially cross-dressing just to be able to keep looking like a girl in the digital world. I was so scared of being stuck with a boy’s body for this game that I was pulling this ridiculous stunt to escape it. 

When I first started planning it out, I told myself that I was just a thought experiment. But when thoughts gave way to actions, I told myself that it was just to prove that there was no way I could look like a girl in real life. I had to put these twisted urges to bed one way or another. I thought that I would give it a try and find that I looked like a boy no matter what I did. And that would be that. These feelings would go away. 

Late at night, I borrowed my sister’s makeup, locked myself in the bathroom and tried following an online makeup tutorial. I was sure that I would inevitably look awful. And that would prove that I had to accept I was a boy. And would never look like a girl. Ever.

But when I finished all that work, I had to admit that I was surprised at what I saw in the mirror.

Eyeshadow made my eyes pop. Lipstick made my lips seem fuller. Some subtle contouring took the masculine edges off of my face. It took time, and I needed more practice, but I looked better. So I kept going and kept improving.

I had always had long hair, more out of laziness than anything else. But I had taken the time to shampoo and moisturize it. I had shaved what little facial hair I had down to nothing, I had moisturized my skin dutifully. I “borrowed” clothes from my sister from the laundry hamper. I had done it all night after night when the rest of the family was asleep, and each time I saw my handiwork, I was astounded with the improvement. 

It had all been a joke, at first. I had done it just to prove a point that it was impossible. But the more that I worked at it, the more possible it seemed to become. I… could actually look like a real girl.

But that was just me playing dress up when I felt like I could get away with it. There was no way that I was going to be able to leave the house looking like this. There was no way I could dress up, put on makeup, get in my car and drive over to the digitization center and look like that in public. It was impossible. It was ridiculous.

It was just a dream… a fantasy…

But it was also the only way I could be a girl for this game. And it was only for a few hours. I could do this once and never have to do it again. I would hate myself if I didn’t give it a try.

So here I was. Wearing my sister’s borrowed bra, stuffed with socks. Wearing her pink t-shirt and tight jeans with my nethers carefully tucked away. I was surprised that there were guides online for doing things like this. I still had no idea what “drag” was, but the information on those wikis had been solid. 

I looked like a girl. I looked like someone I could stand seeing as an avatar for the years to come. All it would take was a few hours of waiting in line and not drawing attention to myself and I would never have to do something this stupid again.

It had been difficult to get dressed and put makeup on in the car, but I did it. Automatic driving and tinted windows gave me the privacy I needed to transform. And I would be able to change back on the way home the exact same way. And nobody, not Mom, Dad or Paige, would be the wiser. Nobody would know.

From the moment that I stepped out of the car, across the sweltering parking lot and into the line, nobody was noticing that anything was amiss.

Of course everyone was buzzing about Realms of Eternal Magic anyway. Nobody was giving me any kind of attention. The big challenge would be the staff at the digitization booth. Would they let me get scanned for my avatar dressed like this? Would they laugh at me? Would they ask for proof that I was a real girl? That was going to be the true test. They would be the digital gatekeepers.

My phone, hanging from its earpiece chirped and the holographic display popped up, projected onto my vision. It was a message from my best friend, Gavin.

[Hey dude, you in line?]

Somehow, the “dude” in the message stung a little more in the moment, given how much work I put into not looking like a dude, but I pushed past it. 

[Yeah] I replied, typing out the response into the projected holographic keyboard, [line’s crazy long].

[Totally. I’m stuck in the back. That’s what I get for sleeping in. Wanna hang out after?]

The idea of Gavin seeing me like this was enough to cause my heart to lurch in my chest. I would never hear the end of it. I got enough raised eyebrows for “cross-playing” as a girl in RoR as it was. This was definitely a bridge too far.

[I can’t. I have a church thing tonight.]

This was true, even if I was going to try my best to get out of it. I had little in common with the people in my youth group. Their toxic views on damn near everything made me feel that I didn’t really belong there. They were cruel in a way that I could never understand. 

I tried to believe and do the best that I could in my walk with Christ, but nothing ever made me feel comfortable with the hate and anger I saw there. But when Mom and Dad wanted me to get a “proper moral upbringing with fellow believers”, that entailed going to youth group no matter how uncomfortable I was.

[Lame. Say hi to Jesus for me, I guess.]

The idea that anybody associated with the church would see me in this outfit was enough to make me feel faint. My friends might tease me, sure. Gavin might not want to be my friend anymore. But my church… my church might kill me. 

I closed the conversation with the wave of my hand, dismissing the phantom window as I tried to focus on the line in front of me. But my thoughts still drifted.

Do I still look okay? Is my makeup getting smudged off from the sweat?

I used my phone’s selfie mode with the camera watch on my wrist. I adjusted it slightly to get my face in frame.

It was still strange to see this odd fusion of the face I had come to hate and also the face of a reasonably cute girl. It had been strange the moment I had started experimenting in the first place. It was unreal to see the slow metamorphosis from a source of pain and misery to something else. It was like one of those optical illusions where the picture of the vase became the two faces looking at one another.

At sixteen, I was still fairly young-looking, which made it easy for my transformation to be believable. Long, brown hair framed my pale, yet still contoured face in just the right light which made me look...

Well, not pretty, exactly. But girly. Anyone who wasn’t looking carefully wouldn’t notice anything was amiss. 

I had no idea how all of this would digitize, but there was only one way to find out.

The line slogged forward, and finally the heat of the day was banished by the cool of the air conditioned building. As the automatic door slid open, I was awash in the sweet release of cold air washing over me. If I had been waiting on that hot pavement any longer, I would have started melting. 

Inside the building was a massive space with holographic promotional clips and stills of the game. The design team had taken four walls and bare supports and turned the space into a little slice of RoEM. Everything had been plastered with RoEM-like decor. Girders became stone columns. Holographic projectors gave the walls a stony castle texture, with fiery crackling torches. Floating from hidden speakers was the quiet music of bardic tunes. Massive projections of dragons, orcs with clubs, dwarves with shining armor, elves wielding magic stood in frozen poses of dynamic action. The line snaked through a maze of velvet ropes which led, at the end, to rows and rows of upright cylinders. 

The digitizing devices were not unlike the machines you had to pass through when you got onto airplanes. While they had been decorated with arcane-looking runes and lights, they were definitely pieces of modern technology that stood in contrast to the fantastical fare around us. People appeared to be answering questions as the staff members would check things off on their screen before putting them in the scanner-tubes. The staff members were clearly visible wearing black polo shirts and lanyards as they walked customers through the process.

As for the scan, customers stood there for a few minutes, answered some more questions, moved a little, and that was that.  They all stepped out and, from what I was hearing by the people leaving, they would get the confirmation email later and be able to register for the game with their true-to-life avatar on the game’s release.

The line trudged forward as I quietly tried to remain as casual as I could to avoid bringing attention to myself. The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became as I had no idea what “casual” looked like to girls. And I had no desire to start staring at the girls around me to find out because that would draw attention to me.

It got slightly more difficult as the line curled in on itself and scrunched us all together in the velvet-encased queue. People were packed in tightly, and I felt anxious about having all these people so close to me. I was terrified that someone would get close enough to see something out of place and immediately sound the alarm.

THAT’S NOT A GIRL! IT’S A MAN! GET THEM!

I glanced around and to my shock I actually was getting looks. Just not ones of shock and disgust I had been expecting. 

A group of boys a few feet back were shooting sidelong glances at me. I tried to make out their expressions, and as I did so, I found myself meeting the eyes of a boy about my age. Tall, fairly fit and with short sandy hair. His face broke into a wide smile with narrowed eyes as he looked me over. He gave me a slow, clearly meaningful nod as he did so.

What the fuck? Oh holy shit, was he attracted to me?!

“You’d think they’d never seen a girl before...” said a grumpy voice ahead of me.

I snapped around to the direction of the voice. In front of me was an older girl, tall and well-muscled. Her hair was dyed an icy blue trimmed in a central tuft with the sides around it shaved. Her brown eyes were scowling at the boys as she crossed her arms over her chest. One glare from her sent them back to talking amongst themselves. She was wearing a black concert tee and torn, black jeans. Her wrists had a wide selection of various bracelets and bangles on them and her neck bore a leather choker around it. Her nose and ears had multiple gleaming piercings. Her face was painted with vibrant purple eyeshadow and sculpted eyeliner out as she turned to look at me.

As I was considering her… very interesting appearance, I was also struck by the fact that she looked to be… Indian? Maybe? Her muscled skin was brownish tan. I frowned, uncertain how to react.

I didn’t know many Indian people, as virtually all of the people at our church (and therefore, people I had regular contact with) were white. The only other person I knew was a girl at church a few years younger than me named Stacey. She had been adopted from India. Most of the other kids at church called her names and made fun of her, though she didn’t seem that different from everyone else.

This girl and Stacey seemed just as American as I was.

I’d never understood it, really. Dad used to say some of the ugliest things imaginable about Gavin and his family for being black… back when they still lived next to us. I never wanted to be like that… but I always worried that the hate would slip through me if I didn’t pay close enough attention.

“Then again, I’m sure a lot of these guys probably never have seen a girl before outside of their moms or porn vids,” she continued, her rough voice tinged with disgust as she glared at the boys, “heaven forbid we’re anything other than wank fodder for them.”

I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t expected to make conversation while I was like this. I just nodded at her, trying to keep from panicking.

“I’m Anika,” she said, smiling faintly.

I froze for a moment. I struggled to come up with a name. My given name would instantly give away that I wasn’t a real girl.

“Zoey,” I squeaked, the name coming to mind out of nowhere. I was trying to avoid talking too much, if I could avoid it. I had been practicing sounding like a girl based on advice from the Internet. It had offered me... mixed results. The best I could manage was sort of a breathy mellow sort of sound. It worked well enough... but I worried that it wasn't good enough. The last thing I wanted was for my voice to "crack" at the wrong time. “Nice to meet you.”

There was a horrible moment of waiting. Technically it was barely a second, but it felt like an eternity. This girl looked tough and I was dead certain that she would kick my ass for daring to pretend to be a real girl.

But she smiled wider, and I felt some of the fear fade. “Sorry, I’m bored out of my mind and I’d like to talk to someone who can keep their eyes off my tits for five seconds.”

I made a very careful and conscious effort to keep my eyes on her face as she said this. “Right,” I said quietly.

“God, I hate gamer guys so much...” she groaned, “a sea of sweaty neckbeards with a pathological aversion to deodorant who desperately want to ‘debate’ me about women’s rights, feminism and other "political issues". Fuck. That.”

I nodded. Even pretending to be a girl online had shown me that men could be really gross to women online. More than once I had been called a slut or a whore or worse by salty or angry players, even when I hadn’t said a word to them.

“I don’t know how I feel about this whole ‘digitized avatar’ thing,” Anika said, jerking her head over to the scanners at the front of the line, “How the fuck do we know that our images aren’t going to be uploaded to the darkweb or something? I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want hi-res images of my body leaked because some dumbass doesn’t know how to encrypt their files or left their password on a goddamn sticky note.”

She threw up her arms in frustration and I could only stare in awe at her passion.

“They keep talking about how people will act better when they’re stuck wearing their real face, but honestly, I don’t think it’s going to do jack shit. Assholes will be assholes even if they don’t have a mask to hide behind. They’re still going to be shouting ‘tits or GTFO’ no matter if they’re shaped like buff barbarians or neckbearded creeps. And of course women are still going to get all kinds of shit for not looking like goddamn elf pinups. Fuck double standards.”

Anika held out a hand to indicate a nearby statue of a curvy elven sorceress. “Real women don’t look like that,” she said, spitefully, “That is a fucking sexdoll. Women look like you or me. With real fucking proportions…”

Something warm blossomed in my chest, something I hadn’t really experienced before. Women like you and me.

Holy shit... she just called me a woman. I looked like a girl! This was awesome!

“Right!” I said, my voice squeaked out with excitement.

“Sorry,” she sighed, shaking her head, “I just… I work in net security and this stuff always keeps me up at night… I work with these kinds of people every goddamn day and dealing with them on my time off sucks. You play a lot of these kinds of games?” She asked, looking at me curiously.

“Yeah!” I said, smiling wide, “I love RPGs! Realms looks incredible! It’s supposed to be super realistic with this progressive skill system and Turing-tested AI for the NPCs and...”

I went on at length and it was the weirdest thing as I did so. I barely spoke to people most of the time, especially strangers. But here was this girl that I had just met and I was talking to her as if we were best friends. And, from the look on her face, she was interested in what I had to say. She wasn’t disgusted by me and quietly trying to edge away. 

Somehow, the excitement helped as I spoke. It made speaking like a girl a little more natural.

“I’m not super big on these kinds of games, to be honest,” said Anika as I finished fan-gushing, “More of a fighting game or shooter kind of girl. Roleplaying and stuff is more Beth, my girlfriend’s, speed. I mean, it looks fun, but I’m mostly doing all this because Beth is a huge nerd and I’m kind of along for the ride.”

“Do you know what kind of build you’re going with? Do you have a class picked out?” I asked, curiously.

“Huh?” she said, blinking in confusion.

“Like... what kind of character do you want to be? Magic, melee, ranged...” I continued uncertainly.

“Oh... uh... I’m probably going to just hit shit with swords or whatever,” she said, nodding in comprehension, “my girlfriend wants to be a wizard or some shit but hitting assholes with something heavy has worked well enough for me in real life, so I might as well do it here too...” She shrugged.

I blinked in surprise at that statement, but before I could ask for clarification, I realized that we had made it to the front of the line.

“Right this way, ma’am,” said the bearded, rotund staff member as he pointed Anika to an open scanner in the far corner of the area.

Anika nodded as she stepped off to follow their lead.

Another staff member turned to me. “Just wait a moment, one of the scanners should be opening shortly.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. His eyes seemed to glance right off me. Nothing unusual seemed to register on his face. I stood there, stock still, desperately waiting to get scanned and make my escape.

“Ah, we have an opening over there, miss,” said the staff member after a tense wait. He indicated a scanner dead ahead, “just right there.”

“T-thank you!” I squeaked, feeling relief and... pride, perhaps? He had called me “miss”! I was going to make it!

I crossed the area and stood in front of the open scanner. It was being operated by a woman in her thirties who looked frazzled and absolutely overwhelmed by this whole affair. She looked at me expectantly as she brought up a screen. “ID, please?”

My heart dropped out of me. The dread and misery surged up and surrounded me like the ocean and dragged me away from shore, leaving me drowning as I realized that this was all going to fall apart in a moment. 

This happiness... this feeling of joy... was all going to fall apart the moment I showed them my ID. It didn’t matter how good I looked, the world said I was a boy and that was that.

“ID?” I asked, my stomach twisting in knots, “I didn’t know they were checking IDs...”

“We were having issues with people registering twice or giving phony info,” said the woman, grumbling, “had to start checking state IDs. Last minute change is slowing the whole thing down. I wasn’t even supposed to be working today,” she added with a groan.

I felt sick. Ashamed. I felt like I could have started crying at that moment. I wanted to run for it right then and there. But, with a horrible sinking sensation settling in, I projected my ID to her.

As she scanned the holographic pane, her expression changed. Surprise. Her eyes widened and blinked rapidly. She peered at my name and picture and listed sex and back to me. I was feeling like I had swallowed a heaping bowl of barbed wire soaked in hot sauce as her eyes peered into mine. I was ready for everything to fall apart then and there. She was going to shout at me, yell at me, call me a pervert and a freak. I imagined being called out in front of everyone. Gavin would see me, Anika would see me, everyone would see me…

I felt myself shaking and unable to breathe as I quietly waited for this dream to come crashing down around me into a waking nightmare.

But the anger... the disgust... it never came. Her face softened. It was rounded and kind. She was a taller woman, with curled, brown hair and deep green eyes and a light dusting of freckles across her face. She was dressed in the same slacks and polo shirts that everyone else was wearing, which hung off of her tall, lean frame. She broke into a warm, tender smile which caused them to almost shimmer.

“Hey,” she said, her voice softened as she spoke to me quietly, “it’s okay. I get it. You're fine... Is this your first time?”

I didn’t know what to say. I was still suffocating in dread, awaiting the world to fall apart. All I could do in reply was nod, even if I had no idea what she was talking about.

“You look fine. And you’re really brave for doing this,” she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “What’s your name?”

I helplessly pointed to the ID hologram.

“No sweetheart, I mean your real name,” she said, shaking her head. “The one you go by.”

“Z-Zoey?” I said, unsure of what exactly was happening.

“It’s a very nice name,” she said sweetly, nodding in approval. “Do you have a middle name picked out?”

I shook my head, unsure of what to say.

“Okay, we’ll just leave that blank. Spelled Z-o-e-y?” she said, turning back to her own screen and typing in the information. I nodded again, shocked to find that she was entering in my name as Zoey Harlow. I saw with even more shock that she was entering in my “sex” as “female.”

“I don’t know what the higher-ups were thinking with this gender binary garbage,” said the woman, sighing, “just let people look the way they want to look and let them identify themselves. None of this programmed “he” or “she” binary nonsense pulled from state IDs. What a joke...” She finished typing in the rest of the info as it appeared on my ID. “Okay, I got you all settled in. Just go ahead and step into the scanner.”

I dumbly stumbled into the cylinder, completely disbelieving what was happening. Why was she doing this?!

Inside the scanner there was a full body display of what I looked like. I saw myself, eyes wide and shaking as I stood in the illuminated circle.

“Okay, Zoey, stand up straight and relax. Try to make yourself as neutral as you can.”

I tried to follow the woman’s instructions. There was an emote of a neutral :| face on the screen to indicate it. I tried to make my face as empty of emotion as I could, even as my head was swirling with a million questions.

“Okay, now try smiling,” she said, as a :) emote appeared on the screen. I tried to smile but it looked more like a pained grimace as it appeared on screen.

“Hm... hey Zoey...” said the woman, “I really like the top you’re wearing. It looks cute on you.”

I knew it was my sister’s and it was just a pink shirt with some frilly edges at the sleeves in the collar. But somehow, I felt a warm sensation cutting through my confusion and panic. I saw in my reflection, a smile... a real genuine smile, settling in. It actually made me look more girly.

“Got it,” said the woman, “you’re doing great sweetheart. Open your mouth, wide as it will go?”

The emote changed to a :0 and I tried to mimic it. 

"Stand out, arms out, like a T?" she asked.

Feeling a little silly, I began T-posting as requested.

“Okay I think that’s all we need for the posing, thank you Zoey.”

Why was that name feeling more and more comfortable as she was saying it?! I had literally picked it out of thin air!

“Okay, now we just need a voice profile. Do me a favor and read out the paragraph that appears on your screen slowly and carefully.”

There was a long and weird stretch of text that appeared on the screen. I blinked in confusion.

“They use it to digitize your voice profile,” said the woman, seeing my bewilderment, “it covers all of the consonant and vowel sounds of the English language. Just go ahead and read it out loud and slow.”

I was nervous. Talking like a girl was hard as I had to kind of tense up my throat and really concentrate. I had trouble keeping it sounding female over long stretches.

But... I remembered for a moment that I had spent a whole twenty minutes with Anika talking about the game. She never called me out once for sounding male. I hadn’t even been thinking about my voice.

I closed my eyes and just tried to get my head back into that zone. When I opened them again, I read out the text, slowly and calmly, feeling the words pour out of my throat. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it was better. It felt better than how I usually had to speak.

“The beige hue on the waters of the loch impressed all,” I said, watching the words light up as I spoke them, “including the French queen, before she heard that symphony again, just as young Arthur wanted. The hungry purple dinosaur ate the kind, zingy fox, the jabbering crab, and the mad whale and started vending and quacking ”

When I finished, the woman poked her head into the scanner. “Okay sweetheart, you’re all done. You sounded lovely... I can tell you’ve been practicing. We’ll send you the email confirmation here in a little bit. You’re all ready for Realms of Eternal Magic when it goes live.”

I still didn’t quite know where I stood with her. I peered at her name badge. It said her name was Hanna. “Thank you, ma’am.” I said, feeling a little hoarse from vocal strain.

“Oh...” she said, breaking into a wide grin, “I’m just so proud of you, Zoey! Look, my boss might give me some shit for this, but would it be okay if I gave you a quick hug?”

I blinked. I nodded, feeling some undefinable sense of... friendship? Of familiarity? Somehow this woman, Hanna, had looked inside my head and wasn’t afraid of it. I opened my arms and she gave me a quick squeeze. “I’m so proud of you, sweetie, you’ll do great,” she said in my ear before stepping back. “You’ll get more confident with it over time, I promise.”

I didn’t know what to say, beyond, “Thank you,” as I realized that the worst possible situation had somehow turned into the best.

“Okay, you can get going,” she said, turning back to the line, “my boss is going to kill me for taking this much time. Good luck out there Zoey!”

Bewildered, I just sort of stumbled out of the scanner and followed everyone else for the exit. I couldn’t begin to understand what on earth had just happened. She had literally lied on the form and told the game I was a real girl. Was she going to get in trouble for that? Would I get in trouble? Why had she been so... friendly? Understanding? Why had she gone to such lengths for me? Who did she think I was?

“Zoey!”

I looked behind me. Anika was waving to me as I passed by. “How’d it go? You were taking forever.”

“Uh...” I said, my voice tight from a flood of emotions I couldn’t quite process. “Good?”

“I had some creeper who was trying to get a good look at my ass… Was about ready to dunk that asshole in the garbage where he belonged.” Anika grumbled, before turning back to me, smirking. “Did you already have lunch?”

I blinked and shook my head. I hadn’t. I'd skipped breakfast to get here sooner and my stomach was roaring ravenously in protest.

“I was going to be meeting Beth at the diner down the street, you wanna join us? No pressure….”

I didn’t know what to say. I had told my parents that I was going to be waiting in line until late in the afternoon... so I had time, in theory. But I was also still dressed like a girl. The longer I did this, the more likely it would be that I would run into someone that would see me for what I really was. Besides, why the heck was this girl being so friendly to me when we just met?! Why had Hanna done the same? Were people just nicer to girls?

“You don’t have to,” she said, sensing my hesitation, “I get it, we literally just met. You just seem cool and I think you and Beth would have a lot in common. You both are really into this roleplaying shit.”

I thought about it some more. Anika wanted to hang out. With me. As a girl. We could be girlfriends, like her and this Beth. Somehow, in spite of the risk, I couldn’t resist the opportunity. This was someone who actually saw me as a girl. I would never get this chance again unless I took it now.

Also, my stomach seemed to be insisting on joining her.

“Uh... sure...” I said, nodding, “okay.”

“Nice,” she said, inclining her head, “meet you there? The old nineties place right down the street? Or do you need a ride?”

“I have my parents’ car,” I said, “I can meet you there.”

“Cool,” she said, smiling. “See you there.”

We split up. I was left standing there, still in shock of how easy this was. As far as the world was concerned, I was a girl. Clothes, makeup and tweaking my voice a little. I looked and sounded like a girl and that was enough.

I walked back to the car across the massive parking lot. My phone chirped again and I saw that  Gavin had texted me. [Just got scanned! The line took forever. How about you?]

[Yeah, I got scanned already. Leaving now]

[Awesome. This is going to be sweet. Can’t wait! This is going to be so sweet!]

I stopped in front of the car. It unlocked automatically as it was supposed to... but I didn’t step inside. I couldn’t. I realized that because I looked and sounded like Zoey... because I went through this whole stunt… now, I couldn’t play with Gavin and the others from our guild. It hadn’t really occurred to me until now. We couldn’t see each other in the game anymore. Not without raising some very uncomfortable questions.

Would Gavin recognize me as a girl? And if he did, what would he say? Would he laugh at me? Call me names? Would he understand? I was supposed to look like a guy. 

And I didn’t.

Did I understand it? I thought about what I just did. Did I just cross-dress in front of nearly a thousand people for a video game? Was I meeting with a cool punk college girl and her friend while continuing to pretend to be a girl? And, most importantly... was I enjoying it?

What the hell was wrong with me?!

I melted into the seat of the car and waited for things to make sense again. I couldn’t immediately find the will to turn on the engine or set a destination. I sat there, feeling powerless. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why couldn’t I just be a guy? Gavin made it look so easy. Why was I so obsessed with being a girl?

I knew the right thing to do. The thing my parents expected of me. The thing that would bring everything back to normal. I needed to change back into my boy clothes that I left the house wearing. I needed to return my girly, stolen clothes to my sister’s hamper where they belonged. I needed to take this makeup off my face. I needed to stop this foolishness and act like a real man. I needed to stop denying reality. That was what I was supposed to do.

But I didn’t. I started the car and punched in the address for the diner and let the car take me there. I stared into the mirror of the car as it pulled out of the parking space. All I could see now was a girl who looked so... overwhelmed. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her that it was going to be okay. But somehow... I just couldn’t believe it at that moment. 

I had hoped that this stunt was going to fix things. But somehow it only made them more complicated.

But… it also made things easier too. There were feelings now I’d never experienced before. Something had begun to open up inside me from doing this. This was a million times better than being a girl online. I felt so light... so much more expressive... so much more... 

Real.

I shook myself out of it as the car pulled into the diner’s parking lot. I told myself that this was just some fun. A test. Just to see what it was like. I wasn’t a real girl... but this wasn’t that much different from playing an RPG. This was just me playing the role of Zoey. Live-action role playing, sure, but I had to just play the game. Have fun with it. Maybe the game would have to end at some point…

But later. For now, I could just let myself get immersed.

I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car.

QUEST RECEIVED: Socialize with two college girls over lunch and act like a normal girl while you do it.

I looked around for any sign of Anika. The diner was reasonably popular and I noticed a number of the same people from the RoEM scan were stopping in. The diner itself was an older 1990’s style diner with a holographic sign made to look like glowing neon. 

I nearly jumped out of my shoes when a motorcycle almost ran me over as it pulled off the highway, screeched into the parking lot and came to a halt in front of me. I was immediately terrified, but was flooded with relief when I saw the rider pull off their helmet to reveal Anika underneath.

“Hey,” she said, shrugging off her leather jacket with colorful patches on the shoulders. She stowed the jacket and the helmet in the “saddlebags” of the motorcycle. “Sorry I’m late. The analog lanes are always a nightmare to get around. Even if it’s literally just down the street. Jesus… auto-cars just made people forget how to drive entirely…”

I blinked, looking at the motorcycle in shock. “It’s not automatic?”

“Nah... I don’t like the idea of an AI driving my baby,” she said, caressing her bike. “It was a pain to get licensed for it, but it’s just so worth it to drive this beast on your own, experience the road for yourself. Besides, I still remember the days when the bot-driven things kept crashing into everything and locking people in as they caught fire.”

She stepped away from her bike, “Truthfully, I kinda miss the roar of the old combustion-engine ones, but, you know... gotta keep those ice caps from getting worse. New York is already losing its coastline like a motherfucker and we keep getting these 110 degree summers.”

I nodded, still in awe of how incredibly cool Anika was. She rolled the bike into a nearby space next to my car. “Come on, let’s get inside. Beth saved us a table.”

I followed her, struggling to keep up with her long strides. She pushed her way into the diner and I followed. It was busy. The walls, covered in old memorabilia, were packed with people squeezed into booths. Anika scanned the place and her expression lit up as she led me through the diner. Her size and presence made people get out of the way quickly.

She squeezed into a table next to a much smaller girl and gestured to the seat across from her. I slid in and took stock of her friend.

Beth was much smaller than Anika, a shorter, slightly heavyset girl wearing a bright, floral sundress and a silver crescent moon pendant around her neck. Her blonde hair was long and streamed over her shoulders in waves. Her blue eyes glittered and she wore a warm smile on her heart-shaped face as she extended her hand to me.

“Hi, I’m Beth. Nice to meet you,” she said, her voice like music.

“Z-Zoey...” I said, in awe of how pretty she was.

“Anika said she picked up a friend in line and I wanted to meet you. She doesn’t always make friends easily,” she continued, wrapping an arm over Anika’s shoulder.

“Thanks Beth...” snorted Anika, blushing faintly, “real nice calling me out like that.”

“D-did you get digitized too?” I asked.

“I already went through the digitization when I was a beta tester,” said Beth, shrugging. "Beat the rush."

My eyes widened in shock. “What?!” I croaked. I winced from how boyish that came out and tried to play it off with a cough. I needed to pay better attention to my voice or it was going to get away from me.

The two of them didn’t seem to notice. “Oh yeah,” said Beth, nodding, “I thought Anika told you.”

“I kinda assumed Zoey was a tester too, at first...” said Anika, “the girl knows everything about the game the way she talked.”

“Oh,” I said, blushing, “I mean... I’ve been following the news on it, but it’s nothing compared to actually playing it. What was it like?”

Beth pursed her lips for a moment. “Hmmm... well I can’t officially say anything. NDA and everything... under contract... but unofficially? It’s different from any other VRMMORPG on the market. Period. It’s immersive and the AI is unreal. It really plays like you were just dropped into a fantasy world.”

“Woah...” I breathed in awe.

“Chili cheese fries,” said Anika, glancing at the menu as she scrolled through the integrated screen in the table. “Oh hell yeah.”

Beth sighed, “Just order the Caesar salad for me, okay hon?”

She punched in her order. “Grilled chicken?” Anika asked.

Beth frowned, rolling her eyes. “Very funny, Annie...”

“I think they got the imitation stuff. Vat grown and vegan-friendly,” she said, peering at the table.

“Blech...” Beth made a face, “nuh uh. Last time I tried it, it had that awful chemical aftertaste. Just the leafy greens, okay?”

She nodded and added in the order. “What were you wanting, Zoey?”

I sat up in shock as I stared at the menu. “Uh... just a cheeseburger and fries.”

“Cool,” said Anika, typing it in.

“Oh... uh... I can pay for my own,” I said, shaking my head, reaching for my wallet. I still had some birthday money left over.

Anika waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. I dragged you over here, the least I can do is buy for you.”

“T-thank you,” I said sheepishly.

“So, Zoey... tell me about yourself,” said Beth, leaning forward.

My breath caught in my chest. “Uh... well... I’m sixteen...” I said, feeling a little lame compared to these two amazingly confident and beautiful women.

“So young...” said Beth, clearly surprised.

I nodded. “Yeah. Got my REMbox when I was thirteen. I play a lot of the MMOs... the fantasy stuff mostly. Just got out of RoR.” I saw Anika give me a confused look and I clarified. “Sorry... a different game... Runes of Rath.”

“Oh I know,” she nodded, smirking, “I played RoR back with my friends until two expansions ago,” Beth said, smiling faintly, “When the company got bought up and turned the whole thing into a microtransaction nightmare.”

I snorted. “Yeah, one of my guildies got sucked down that rabbit hole. He got caught trading dragon crystals for lunch money at school and was suspended for a week…”

“I think I actually heard about that. Which school?” asked Beth, “I’ve got a younger sister who goes to District-“

“I’m homeschooled,” I cut in, wincing. “I don’t know which one my guildie goes to. I don’t really know any of them in person. I… don’t get out much.”

“Oh!” said Beth, stopping short. “ sorry I-“

“I really don’t like talking about it,” I snapped, melting into my seat slightly. I hated feeling so completely out of place. I always felt like I lived in a completely different world from “normal” people. Especially around these women who were so much prettier and more confident than I ever could be. 

She nodded, her face serious, “I get it. It’s not quite the same, but I went to Catholic school when I was your age. I had nuns looking over my shoulder and was always on edge, worried they were going to catch me doing something wrong. And my parents were…” she heaved out a pained sigh, “difficult.”

I nodded, the feeling of ever-present shame settling on my shoulders, pressing me further into the seat.

“It’s okay, Zoey. You’re safe here,” Beth said, her voice soft. “Do you have a class or build picked out for the game?”

I sat up a little straighter, relieved to be back on familiar ground. “Uh... I was thinking of trying for a paladin-type build? Heavy armor and holy magic with a sword and shield? I usually tank with my friends for raids, so...”

I trailed off again, reminded of the separation that had settled down between my friends for as long as I was going to pretend to be Zoey. There wouldn’t be any more raids between us after what I’d done.

“That’s fair,” Beth said, nodding, “I knew a few other testers that went in that direction. I generally prefer more of a DPS mage-type myself. Are you planning to party up with your guild?”

I gritted my teeth. “Uh... I... um...” I considered for a moment how to explain the situation without giving away that I was secretly a boy. After a moment of thought, I figured out a way to get it across to Beth.

“Okay... so... I have this friend. His name is Gavin. We were actually next-door neighbors back when we were kids, but he moved away. We kept in contact online and we’ve been friends through our RoR guild for ages. He wants to start a new group in RoEM... but... uh... now I have to show up looking like... me...” I gestured to myself. “I don’t know if he’ll… be okay with how different I look now.”

“Oh!” said Beth, eyes widening, “Sweetheart, you look fine. You have nothing to worry about, you look like a perfectly sweet girl.”

“And fuck him if he expects you to be some bimbo elf,” said Anika, leaning back slightly in her seat. “Fuck patriarchal expectations, just be you.”

“Look, Zoey... if Gavin is really your friend, he’ll accept you for exactly who you are. He’ll appreciate the real you as much as we do,” said Beth, nodding in agreement with Anika.

“And if he doesn’t want to team up with you, hit me up and I’ll kick his ass and you can roll with us instead,” growled Anika in reply.

I looked at both of them in awe. They seemed like best friends. Girlfriends, or at least, girls that were friends. I wasn’t entirely sure of the distinction. But either way, they were accepting me as being a girl, too. I was being included. It was a new experience and one I was enjoying.

The server drone rolled by our table and deposited our orders with its long, extending spatula-like arms and rolled away just as quickly. It was a big, boxy thing that looked vaguely like a dresser drawer on tank treads. It was painted and stickered with more 90’s style flair to match the decor.

“Can you give me any advice for starting out in RoEM?” I asked Beth, fishing out a fry from my plate.

“Make the most of what you start with and where you start,” she said, digging into her salad, “The game always spawns you in a surrounding community for you to become a part of. Don’t try to do everything at once... you want to find your niche and just make it work for you. It’s not like the usual MMOs where you’re constantly running around collecting mob drops and dropping them off to NPCs for XP. No raids or dungeons. It’s more like becoming part of a community.”

“I am understanding none of this nerdspeak, FYI,” said Anika a little reproachfully as she speared her chili cheese fries on the end of her fork. “Some of us preferred running and gunning and punching things with our REMboxes.”

“It’s actually super easy to get into,” said Beth, turning to Anika, “For beginners or experts.”

Anika snorted. “Glad to hear it. I’d prefer not to have to learn advanced elf wizardry or something. I gotta keep some kind of standard or I’ll turn into a real nerd like you.”

Beth elbowed her playfully before turning back to me. I thought it was so cute to see that they were such close friends. I had a feeling they were roommates or at the very least went to college together. There was definitely a strong connection between them, not unlike me and Gavin. 

The reminder of our losing that relationship made me wince a little, but I tried to focus on Beth’s words to push past it.  

“Like... okay, you know the skill system is supposed to be realistic, right? Different from other games?” said Beth, gesturing with her lettuce leaf on her fork, “Like, plenty of RPGs have the whole, ‘keep hitting things with swords so your swords score goes up and your swords get more effective,’ yeah? The skill grind?”

I nodded.

“Well there are a few key differences. For a start, while there are stats, they’re not visible and they’re not exactly numerical. The game isn’t about ‘do this thing for X hours and make this number go up.’ It’s about an immersive experience. It’s about actually teaching you skills along with your numbers. Like, the game gives you, say, archery skills by actually having NPCs teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow. Or swordplay through learning how to swing a sword. If you want to be a bard, you can actually learn to play an instrument. It’s sort of a sleep-learning thing.”

“Holy shit…” I whispered in awe. The idea sounded amazing. I could learn to be a hero in game and in real life.

“I’ll admit, I’m kind of a nerd and tried to pick up a little bit of everything,” said Beth, blushing. “So while I’m not an expert in agriculture or archery or book-printing… I still picked up on a lot I didn’t know before. I was actually doing research outside of the game to learn more stuff I could carry back with me in the game.”

“She did,” grunted Anika, wiping at some cheese sauce on her mouth, “She picked up some shit on medieval engineering and primitive farming at the school library.”  

I was in awe. “Wait…so if I wanted to learn how to use a sword… the game would actually show me how to swordfight?” I was so excited that I actually missed putting a fry in my mouth and had to adjust it.

“Yes…” said Beth, a little hesitantly, as she nudged at her salad, “But there are two things you need to consider: For a start, people aren’t necessarily going to teach you how to use a sword just because you ask. You’d be expected to do it as part of a job. Like, as the town guard, or a gladiatorial fighter or a bounty hunter.”

“Uh… hold up,” said Anika, nearly choking on her drink, turning to Beth, “You’re telling me I could be a bounty hunter?! Or a gladiator?! Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this sooner?!”

“Second,” said Beth, rolling her eyes as she ignored Anika, “The game fudges things a little with your physical attributes. The skills get easier at a faster rate than they would in the real world as your in-game body gets stronger… or quicker… or more flexible. In short, the game makes it an easier grind than it would be otherwise. At least for a while… the idea is that it holds your hand a little as it gives you the ability to try out a lot of things until you find your niche.”

“Oh shit,” Anika snorted. “… tell Zoey about that one guy from the test!”

“Of course… these in-game abilities don’t build up your muscles in the real world,” Beth sighed. “I heard about one of the beta-testers who was all gung ho about how much of a martial artist he was in-game… but when he actually got into a real-world fight, he forgot that his muscles didn’t back up his mind… or his mouth. He got the crap kicked out of him and ended up in the hospital. RoEM is not going to turn you into a superhero while you sleep.”

“Just as well,” smirked Anika, flexing an impressive bicep, “I don’t know how much more jacked I could get…”

“Annie…” sighed Beth in exasperation.

“Mmm,” I mumbled, feeling a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to be able to become a strong warrior of justice in the real world.

“Besides,” Beth continued, waving it aside, “The biggest part of the game is the community. It’s not just about fighting and crafting and gathering. The skills are helpful, sure, but it’s about forming connections with other players and the most realistic non-player characters you can imagine. You really don’t need to just fight and kill everything. I mean… yes, you can work as a hunter and make good money off of it…” She grimaced a little, as she unconsciously glanced at my half-eaten cheeseburger.

I nudged it aside slightly, apologetically. “Sorry…”

Beth waved it aside, “It’s fine. Veganism is my diet and my choice. Not yours. But anyway, the point is that you get to bond with your fellow hunters, or tailors or other people doing your job.”

“So… what kind of drops do you get from monsters?” I asked, trying to wrap my head around what she was telling me.

“I mean… what do you get from hunting things in real life?” said Beth, raising an eyebrow, “Leather… bone…” She looked a little green as she said it, but pressed on. “I mean, some of the more magical creatures can have more fantastical… parts… but the point is that you aren’t just killing orcs for hours and selling their teeth for a zillion gold. There’s a dynamic economy, and store owners are eventually going to tell you that they don’t need any more things because they don’t have enough money to buy them and they aren’t going to be able to sell them. And besides, it’s not like random animals in RoEM are going to just drop gold and magic swords anyway.”

“Does the game have magic?” I asked, realizing that I hadn’t been able to get anything about the magic system of the game, save that it was “in-depth”.

“Magic…” she said, dreamily, “Oh boy… the magic system. Uh… ask another question, because that one’s kind of a doozy. All I can say is that it’s not what you would expect and it’s a little complex.”

I felt a little let down on that front, but agreed to drop it. “So... how do you earn gold?” I asked,  “just through working jobs?”

“Yeah, either through a daily job or some NPCs will hire you on for one-off tasks,” said Beth, spearing another lettuce leaf. 

“That... uh... sounds kinda boring...” I said, frowning at the idea of having a full time job in a game I was supposed to be enjoying. “Like… no dungeon delving or quests or anything?”

“I’m with her, actually,” said Anika, mopping up some chili on her plate with the last fry, “why are we playing this game again? I’m not too thrilled at the idea of being tossed into this game and being forced to work at ElfDonalds or something.”

Beth pursed her lips. “I don’t want to give too much away... The daily grind… isn’t. It’s hard to explain unless you’re playing it for yourself, but the game makes it a dynamic experience and really sucks you in. The NPCs are actually very engaging and you get a chance to really feel like a part of the world. It’s… like a community simulator. You work together with other people. And....” she sighed, “I mean, there are some more adventure-type things out there if you seek them out, but you really don’t want to jump out into the unknown and do that until you get your feet under you. Develop your skills and make friends, first. Before you go traipsing around to overthrow an evil king or save the princess. I mean, there aren’t people just standing out in the open with quest markers floating over their heads. The “quests” are where you find them. Seeing the world and striving to make changes. And changing the world of RoEM takes planning and teamwork. Just like in real life.”

“So… you can still work with a guild?” I asked, trying to imagine the kind of world she was describing.

“Kind of... the game tries to get you to work together with other people to do the bigger things.” said Beth, smiling faintly. “Trust me... it’s fun. I really don’t want to give away much more than that.”

I took that as my cue to let the subject drop. “Thank you for explaining it though.”

Beth beamed and fell silent. Anika was quietly nodding along to some song on the speakers that I didn’t recognize.

I tried to find something else to bring up, as Beth had done so much of the talking, but I really didn’t have a life outside of REMbox games. My waking hours were spent either in school or in church. Even getting my parents to let me play games at all was a miracle. This whole exercise of waiting in line for the latest game only happened because I was getting the opportunity to spend my birthday money. Socializing like this... with people I didn’t know through church... in real life... it was...

Nice. But I still felt a little lost.

“How did you and Anika meet?” I asked, mostly in a blind stab at conversation.

Beth blushed a little as Anika cracked into a wide smile. “Oh yeah… Uh… well… it was kind of a ‘rescue the princess’ thing, honestly. I saw some guys hassling her on the street outside her school and I kicked their asses.”

“The boys at school were a little... pushy,” said Beth, her body tense, “and they weren’t fans of my... uh... religious differences when people started figuring out I wasn’t a devout Catholic.”

I frowned. “So you were… a Protestant?”

Beth chuckled. “Uh... no...” She held up her little star pendant. “Wiccan, actually.”

I blinked in shock. “What?! Like... you’re a witch?!”

“Yep,” she said, smiling.

“So... do you like... worship the Devil or something?” I said, bewildered.

Anika set down her fork with a snap and looked like she was going to say something sharp to me as her expression twisted. I lurched back from her in a blind panic. Beth held out a hand to stop her. “Annie... it’s okay, she’s not trying to start anything. She doesn’t know.”

Anika sank back and I felt like I could start breathing again. I nearly choked on a mouthful of cheeseburger.

“Wicca is a broader practice that varies from person to person. Personally, I commune with the moon goddess Diana. I set time aside in my day to pray and commune with my goddess. I attend a gathering with other followers and do my best to help others in any way that I can.”

I thought about that. “So... you still pray and go to church and act like a good person... just, differently…?”

Beth nodded. “Exactly!”

“Okay...” I said, trying to wrap my brain around the idea, “sorry... I’ve never met a witch before.”

“We don’t wear pointed hats or eat babies or anything...” she said, smiling. “After all, babies aren’t vegan.”

“Can you... do magic?” I asked, wondering. “Like… not game magic, but real magic?” I wasn’t certain because while my church said that other gods were fake, they did express a lot of fear for the “demonic powers” of witches and Satan, which made me wonder if they actually did have some kind of magic.

“Hm... if you’re expecting me to turn you into a frog, you’re going to be disappointed,” said Beth, shaking her head.

How about turning me into a real girl? I didn’t say.

“In my experience, magic is in the smaller moments. In the first light at sunrise. In the kiss of a lover. In the moment of tranquility where everything is in balance. It’s the small miracles. Coincidences. Connections. It doesn’t quite look like the magic you see in RPGs,” said Beth, smiling guiltily.

Somehow, it was disappointing. Demonic or not, some part of me had been expecting some real magic in the world that would hit me on the head and turn me into a real girl. That if I disappeared into fantasy long enough, some if it would rub off. 

It made me feel like my parents were right about the nature of boys and girls. God makes you a boy or a girl and that’s who you are. Period. I was only pretending, and no magic or game would change that.

“Are you okay?” asked Beth, her brows wrinkled. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Just... nevermind...” I said, shaking my head, as I looked down at the remainder of my food.

Beth leaned forward. “Hey... I... I know what it’s like to want the world to be more magical or miraculous. I got into REMbox gaming because waking life was difficult. I had parents who expected me to be something I wasn’t. I was stuck in a school that made me feel like I was drowning. I felt like there was nothing for me in the real world.”

I swallowed my cheeseburger with some difficulty.

“Then we met,” said Anika, putting a protective arm over Beth’s shoulder. “And I helped Beth realize that she didn’t have to hide herself away. She didn’t have to keep her real feelings bottled up. We could be ourselves, together.”

“And that was all the magic I was looking for,” said Beth, turning to Anika.

And then they did something completely unexpected. They drew together and kissed. It was a short, quick, peck on their lips but the moment they did it, it burned a hole in my head. 

They were... gay? Lesbians? My parents and my church had a LOT of things to say on the subject and would tell all sorts of awful stories about gay people. The one that stuck in my mind was that they would find and prey on kids and molest them, to try to turn them gay.

Was that what they were trying to do? Groom me? Turn me into one of them?

But they hadn’t. They were nice, friendly and bought me lunch. They hadn’t been pushy or angry. If anything, they were better than the people from church. If all gays were “evil”, the people at my church were worse than the Devil himself. Anika and Beth were kind… and made me feel like I belonged in a way that even my own family didn’t.

And... I realized that Beth understood some of the feelings inside me, too. She understood what it was like to want something so badly and desperately as everyone around you told you it was wrong. And she could see me as Zoey, and accept me. Maybe I wasn’t gay… but I could understand where they were coming from.

“Wow...” I said, in awe.

My phone chirped in my ear and I frowned as the projected notification popped up. It was from Mom. [Are you on your way home?]

I typed out a response. [It was a long line. I just picked up lunch. I’m heading home now.]

A sinking sensation of disappointment settled in my stomach. This pretending was going to end. Zoey had to go away forever and I had to go back to being a boy… at least in real life. Mom and Dad would kill me for walking into the house like this. Heck, my sister Paige would probably want a shot at me too as I had stolen her clothes. I couldn’t stay like this, no matter how much I wanted to.

I stood up. “Sorry... I have to go. Mom’s expecting me.”

“Hey, before you go, is it okay if we trade tags?” asked Beth, her eyes wide, “you don’t have to... just... if you want to talk online.”

I thought about it. These girls were strangers. Lesbians. One of them was a witch. They were every bit the kind of strangers that my parents told me not to talk to or associate with. But... they treated me like Zoey. I didn’t have anyone else I could get that from. Maybe I couldn’t dress up like a girl anymore... but I couldn’t walk out on the only people who treated me... like her... like a real girl.

“Sure,” I said, bringing up the Tagswap app.

Beth did the same. “Hit me up when RoEM goes live. Maybe, we can team up in-game.”

We traded tags. Anika followed suit, even if she didn’t seem quite as invested.

“Just DM me if you want to talk,” said Beth, “it’s been fun meeting you, Zoey. You’re an interesting girl.”

Anika traded grips with me. “Take care of yourself,” she said, squeezing my hand in her own. She had a strong grip, but seemed to hold back enough that I merely winced.

“Oh... can I give you a hug, Zoey?” asked Beth, clearly unable to resist.

I nodded, bewildered. Did girls really hug each other this readily? I’d never been hugged this much before. She wrapped me in her arms and gave me a quick squeeze. “You’re going to be fine, sweetheart,” she said in my ear.

We parted, waving to one another and I stepped out of the parking lot and into the car and...

Started crying.

I didn’t cry all that often. It was a point of pride. My emotional toughness was the only thing that made me feel any kind of manliness. But something seemed to have finally snapped inside me as I started sobbing, burying my head in my hands and shaking.

I didn’t want to leave them. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go back to being a boy. I wanted to feel free, I wanted to get hugs, I wanted to be pretty.

I wanted to be Zoey, more. I didn’t want to go back to being a boy.

It took me a bit to steady myself. I looked in the mirror and saw that my makeup was a big drippy mess. I... I had to change back. I had to take this makeup off and change out of these clothes. But it wasn’t forever, I had to remind myself. When I logged into RoEM on launch day, I would be able to be a girl. I could still be a girl in my dreams.

It wasn’t what I wanted, but for the moment, it was enough.

I started the car and tapped the home button, and started to change back into my boy clothes.

——————-

The next week went by in a blurry and indistinct slog. Mom and Dad were just as overbearing as they always were, but that was probably never going to change. And even after I slipped all of Paige’s clothes that I had borrowed back in the laundry, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was suspecting me. She had been distancing herself from me (more so than usual) and she seemed to be coming off as particularly suspicious in the few instances I would talk to her. Pointed questions, snide glances and sharp remarks.

Or maybe it was just my imagination. Me and Paige had never gotten along all that well.

Hanging out with Gavin online was getting harder, too.

The rest of our guild I only ever knew through the REMnet. I knew their first names, as they mostly went to school with Gavin… Roy, Harry, Zach. We played RoR together, but that was the limit of our interactions. I knew them better in their roles as DPS, Tank or Healer. I had never met them in-person before. 

But Gavin had been a neighbor and a real-life friend before we were guild-mates. We played together when we were kids. I had been so heartbroken when he had to move across town, but we were still able to keep in touch online. Gavin was my only real friend who wasn’t from church. He was real. We could just hang out and play games and there was never a feeling of judgment or cruelty.

And now, it was all going away. Half of the reason why I was even playing RoEM at all was to play with Gavin. And now... because I was going to keep pretending to be a girl... I had put a wall between us. I had chosen Zoey over him.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what he would say or think. I thought about the idea of maybe trying to re-introduce myself as Zoey... try to reboot the friendship... but then he’d be wondering what happened to his best bro. 

I did the best I could to pretend that nothing was wrong. We played RoR every night in anticipation for when RoEM would finally be released. I tried to play it cool. I tried to pretend that everything was okay. 

Between raids of watching monster sprites explode into loot and status bars go up and down across our visions, we would talk about the game release and talk about what we were going to do. I shared some of the stuff Beth talked about and Gavin was awestruck by it. Not just that I had been able to get some intel from a beta tester but that I had talked to a girl at all. 

I was… shy. There was no denying it. And while he had made some jokes at the fact that I had “hooked up with two college girls” he did genuinely congratulate me for stepping out of my comfort zone with Beth and Anika.

We went on and on about how we were going to make our mark on the world of RoEM. How we would rise to the top, search out ancient ruins, find magical weapons and become heroes. And while we knew that everyone else would try to do the same… somehow, with Gavin, it felt just a bit more possible.

And then the night came. Release day.

Gavin was messaging me enough to fill the screen of my client that night. I could tell he was ravenously stoked for the release. I found myself feeling strangely upset by it. I found myself wishing that the release was pushed back and I had more time to be Gavin’s best bro. That I didn’t have to give him up just to be Zoey.

I sighed. Lying back in my bed.

My room was covered in game posters of monsters and knights, wizards and dragons. My bookshelf (yes I actually had one) had some hardcopies of stories of fantasy and magic.

It was Dad who had gotten me into it, oddly enough. Despite the feelings of inadequacy and distance between us, it was something we actually bonded over.

When I was young, he started reading to me from the Chronicles of Narnia series every night until I fell asleep. The stories of normal and everyday children who got swept away to a fantastic world and allowed to be heroes. I listened in rapt attention as he made the voices and sound effects of their adventures with the lion who was actually (spoiler alert) Jesus. It had been some time since then. I had grown older and Dad had grown harsher as the years passed… but I never forgot those moments.

When I begged Dad to let me buy a REMbox years ago, I explained that I wanted to make my own adventures like the ones he would tell me when I was a kid. I wanted to fight monsters and save people from evil. Gavin had gone on and on about how amazing the experience was and I wanted to join him. 

And while I had fully expected Dad to tell me it was a waste of time or a distraction… for once he actually agreed. He told me that he was glad I was “finally showing some balls” and “getting a fire in [my] belly” even if it was only in my dreams.

But it wasn’t just a dream… at least not for me. I spend half of my days in these worlds. The REMnet felt more like my real life than the waking world did.

That was what made REMbox games so exciting. The story could, in some way, be real. And it could finally be me going on the adventure. It was a dream come true… literally. It felt like a miracle that I was able to get a REMbox at all. 

After all, they were still uncertain if rap music wasn’t directly from the Devil and if seeing rainbows made you gay. I didn’t get much excitement outside of my REMbox.

Sitting on my nightstand, was the glowing REMbox, about the size of a cinder block, with a projected holographic interface and LED accents tracing its edges. And of course, wired into it was the “crown” which went on your head as you slept. This was what synchronized your dreams with the rest of the world.

I still remembered the first night where I put that crown on. I was so upset because I had been too excited to actually get to sleep and play the stupid thing. I had just lied in bed with the crown on my head and my eyes screwed up, trying to will myself asleep until the sun rose.

I got better at it, obviously, as all REMbox gamers did. You picked up on tricks to fall asleep quickly. Meditation and breathing exercises. Counting. Personally, I just sort of learned to space out until my brain shut itself down out of boredom. But even as I turned off the lights and slid the crown on my head, I couldn’t help but feel just like I had that night years ago. Too excited to sleep. Eagerly awaiting the promises of a new world.

This was different. RoEM was supposed to be a game where you played as your true self. 

But I had cheated. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Zoey. As much as I wanted to be, this was just me pretending. She could never be me.

But, as I pulled the wool comforter over myself and settled into bed, I found myself thinking that the pretending felt more real.