Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

Chapter Eight: Have You Tried NOT Being Doomed?



Ultimately, Topher's life was saved by the twin miracles of blind luck and cowardice; he fell backwards directly into Oguro, who was in the process of shouting a word that sounded like nonsense. A spherical field of bright purple energy sprang up to envelop him just as Topher crashed into him, and thus intercepted the two bolts of sizzling power that would otherwise have turned Topher's ribcage into a charred husk. Though the shield stopped the attack fully, the residual momentum blasted the both of them out the back wall of the office, and Topher found himself groggily sprawled across a heap of bricks in the alley behind the building. He couldn't believe he wasn't dead.

Later, he would realize that Oguro's shield must have also absorbed the shock of hitting both the wall and the ground ten feet below; otherwise, he'd have had a bunch of broken bones or worse, and would have been been in no position to do anything but get butchered. As it was, he barely recovered in time to see Oguro's rapidly-retreating back as the mage fled; looking up, he saw the hideous figure of the creature that had attacked him -- Nongy-something? Naungraloth? -- levitating in the air and scowling down at him as twin scythes made of bone manifested out of the air and began circling its form. His mind, curiously calm in the face of such events, noted with interest that the other being's physical body had stabilized somehow; instead of wriggling and partially rotted, it now appeared solid and wholly osseous, like the animated skeleton of a half-man, half-dinosaur. There was a still moment where they beheld each other.

Then the severity of the situation crashed into him like a truck; Topher's guts twisted, and he ejected a small, musical fart wholly involuntarily. He scrambled away, clawing at the bricks and dirt beneath him, as the creature ominously floated after him; he didn't know why it had assaulted him, but it damn sure didn't look friendly now, either. Doubtless it could have attacked again and instantly killed him, but for reasons he couldn't comprehend, it merely pursued him wordlessly; Topher didn't stop to ask questions and simply ran for his miserable F-Ranked life. Scurrying away, he leapt around a corner and smashed face-first into Oguro, who had been hiding and apparently waiting to see if it would obliterate Topher and perhaps just leave; the mage swore and clutched his nose and face. "Get away, man! I'm not dying to protect your wrinkled old ass!"

Young people! thought Topher bitterly as he shoved Oguro back roughly. "What the hell are you doing, working with something like that?" He risked a glance around the corner; the creature was drawing steadily nearer, but seemed to be in no hurry. "What the hell is it? One of those demon guys?"

Oguro twitched. "They're a lot bigger." He clapped his hands to his head and shook it vigorously, clearly trying to understand what was going on. "Naungraloth is a half-dragon, man; he collects Beanie Babies. Totally chill guy. Why the hell would he try to zap you? You got enemies, or something?" Topher noted, crazily, that the mage's previous sophisticated affectations had vanished; scare a guy, and he reverts to being a punk. Guess this world's not all that different.

Then, the mage's words penetrated; Topher's face twisted in confusion. "Half-dragons look like that? All bone and stuff?"

"What? Bone?" Oguro risked a glance around the corner, and yelped as a blade of solid black energy took a chunk out of the bricks. "Shit! Screw this, F-Ranker, you're on your own!" Shoving past Topher, he pelted away; Topher watched him go, unbelieving. The whole situation felt surreal; he was half-convinced he was dreaming. He knew that he should run, but his brain was stuck in a loop; he was paralyzed, torn between trying to comprehend what was happening and trying to form a plan of action.

After a few more moments, Naungraloth floated around the corner; Topher, feeling bemused, looked up at the terrifying shape and felt numb. So this is how I go out. Lasered to pieces by a floating... dragon... death... guy. So stupid. He sighed. "Just get it over with quickly, okay? My life's sucked enough; I don't need my death to suck too."

Unexpectedly, the creature tilted its head and paused. You are not afraid? The voice seemed to emerge from somewhere within its body, rather than coming out of its mouth, and Topher felt oddly like he was hearing it with his teeth rather than his ears. The sensation was ghoulish.

"Afraid? I'd be shitting my pants if I'd had more fiber." Topher rolled his eyes, then sighed and shrugged. "I'm confused, terrified, and exhausted. The last two days have been a real kick in the balls. But you clearly want to kill me, even though I only saw you ten seconds ago, so whatever. It's not like anything I have to say matters."

The creature floated downwards a little, bringing its head only a little above Topher's. You dispelled my illusion of living flesh. Was this not your intent?

Topher snorted. "You got the wrong guy, pal. The only thing I've ever dispelled in my life was my own illusions of significance." He looked up at the sky, trying to understand why he wasn't freaking out about dying. Shock, he supposed. "This world seems hell-bent on finishing the job, though."

Unfortunate. The creature levitated back up; lambent red haloes of energy began to form around it. Your death has likely been orchestrated by another force; or perhaps it is simply preordained. But I must remove all witnesses of my true form -- including, regrettably, Oguro. For the loss of my treasured Beanie Babies, many must die; you may content yourself with the knowledge that you are merely the first. The crackling red energy coalesced into a the form of a huge, jagged sword; Topher couldn't even look away or close his eyes.

Then, astonishingly, the creature's head abruptly vanished in a cubical burst of bright purple light; the light swirled, leapt upwards, and took the form of a great hammer that crashed down into the creature's ribcage with thunderous force. Topher was blasted backwards onto his rear, knocked his head against the pavement, and lost consciousness almost immediately; but as he did, he saw the shattered remnants of the figure fall out of the air and scatter across the pavement, revealing that Oguro had been standing behind it holding a fat, squat wand topped with a gem that was now issuing forth copious amounts of smoke. "Man, fuck your stupid Beanie Babies," snarled the mage, and Topher passed out.

"Bailey-sensei! Bailey-sensei, wake up! Can you hear me?!"

Something was jerking him back and forth; Topher moaned, floating in a sea of pain. His head hurt and his thoughts felt fuzzy; concussion, his mind mumbled to itself. Don't go back to sleep. He groaned with the effort, but managed to open his eyes; everything was blurry and out of focus. At first he thought he might be having a stroke; then he realized he'd lost his glasses in the scuffle. He sat up, waving away whoever was shaking him. "Knock it off. I'll live." Putting his head between his knees, he covered his ears and tried to block out as much sensation as he could; everything felt too loud and too bright. "And somebody find my glasses."

"Bailey-sensei!" Something warm and soft enveloped him; after a second, a floral scent assaulted his nostrils, and he realized Haruko was hugging him. He wanted to shove her away -- get off me, that's gross, leave me alone -- but he couldn't spare the effort; he was too busy holding his brains in. Everything hurt, even more so than usual.

Bet my HP are low. Maybe I might die anyway. The thought was, bizarrely, comforting and hilarious; the idea that he might perish from pure unadulterated frailty simply from being near a battle made him want to laugh crazily, but he was too scared that laughing would kill him. He felt like breathing might kill him.

"Haruko-chan. Haruko-chan, get him to drink this." Hotaka's murmuring voice barely cut through the loud ringing in his ears, but a little while later he felt his head being tipped back as something was suddenly forced into his mouth. He tried to spit it out, but then the taste reached his tongue; Sweet. Oh, God, it's cream soda. He spluttered a little, then gulped greedily; immediately, his vision began to clear, and his body stopped feeling like it was going to break apart. Slowly, he came back to himself; he was lying half-curled on his side, with Haruko holding his head off the ground and gently tipping a bottle into his mouth. He gasped in a few breaths, then gently pushed the bottle away. "Stop. I'm okay now. I'm good."

Hotaka drew near, prying Topher's eyes open and peering into them; Topher resisted the urge to swat the young man away. "Your pupils are returning to normal, Bailey-sensei. You nearly died."

He stood back, then extended a hand to help Topher up; Topher sighed and accepted it, despite his misgivings. Guess I get to live to be even older. Hooray. His body felt sore and wrenched, but whole; he wondered what had happened. "What was in that cream soda? And where'd you get it, anyway?"

"Healing potion, man. Tastes like whatever your favorite drink is." Oguro was standing nearby, gazing up furiously at the destroyed rear wall of his office with his arms crossed as his hands constantly rubbed up and down his shoulders; Topher wondered if magical worlds had insurance. "Fucking bullshit. Shoulda stayed in bed."

My favorite drink isn't cream soda. Is my favorite drink really cream soda?! That's so depressing. Topher groaned. "I don't suppose anyone can explain anything of what just happened to me, right? Just another random trauma to round out the week?"

Noboru appeared at his left elbow, holding out Topher's battered bifocals with an apologetic expression. "We probably know even less than you do, Bailey-sensei. We were downstairs, discussing our plans for a new place to stay, when we heard an explosion upstairs. Makoto-chan ran up to check on you, shouted down that the upper floor had exploded, and we evacuated the building in the proper fashion. When we looked around for you on the ground floor, we found you and Oguro-san." He turned and bowed deeply in the direction of the other man, who ignored him entirely. "You were gravely injured. Hotaka-kun negotiated the purchase of a healing potion from Oguro-san."

Topher's vision went red. "God dammit. You extorted money from a kid while I was bleeding out?"

Oguro snorted. "I coulda let you die, old-timer. I dunno if you've noticed, but I'm kinda in the red for today. Every little bit helps, even if it's just a hundred-gold healing potion."

"A hundred...?!" Topher snarled, rounding on Hotaka. "Kid, that was half your money! What were you thinking?!"

Hotaka didn't flinch. "I was thinking that I didn't want you to die, Bailey-sensei. I would do it again."

Topher groaned, burying his head in his hands. "The youth are beyond saving." After a moment, he took a deep breath, then raised his gaze to meet Hotaka's. "Kid, I don't want to seem ungrateful; but next time, please just let me die. I'm not worth that kind of effort to save."

Hotaka bowed. "I respectfully disagree, Bailey-sensei." He turned away, walking back towards the front of the alley where Makoto was standing; from the stiffness of his back, Topher knew the young man was furious. Well, get used to old people pissing you off, kid, Topher thought to himself. It's gonna happen a lot in your life.

Annoyed, Topher cast about, looking for his stuff; Cailu's coin pouch was still in the pocket of his cargo shorts, but the clothes and goods he'd purchased from Oguro were nowhere to be found; probably in the rubble, he groused. Typical. Sighing, he stomped up to where the mage was standing, still staring up at the devastation. "I'm guessing you don't know any kind of 'Fix Building' spell?"

Oguro growled. "I wish. Gonna have to do this the hard way." He poked at the air for a few moments -- activating something in his status window, Topher supposed -- and a bucket of mortar appeared in a puff of smoke. Sighing, the mage raised his hands, and a soft purple radiance appeared around then; after a moment, one of the bricks levitated itself out of the pile, dipped itself in the mortar from the bucket, and flew up to settle itself among the bricks which had survived the wall's ruination. Topher's jaw dropped.

"What." He couldn't believe what he was seeing. "You have a telekinesis spell on top of everything else?"

"All mages do," Oguro grunted, maneuvering the next brick into place. "Mage Hand. One of the most basic magic skills. I'm only Rank D with it, but even that's good enough to rebuild a brick wall without getting gunk all over me."

Topher wished, very bitterly, that he had died; knowing that he had utterly disgraced himself in his first-ever combat situation had been mortifying enough, but finding out that his Unique Skill was an inferior version of a common newbie mage spell was a whole new level of insulting. He felt like the entire universe had dunked his head in a toilet and then flushed it.

"Listen," he managed, after several minutes of silent, boiling anger, "I still think you're kind of a dick. But thanks anyway for saving my life. You didn't have to do that."

Oguro glanced at him, a little guiltily, then looked away. "No worries, geezer. I only did it to save my own ass; I heard what he said about killing me, too. But the Magic Stone I got from his corpse didn't hurt either."

"Magic Stone?" Topher had heard of those before, but didn't have a lot of context. "I'm guessing it's valuable."

"Monsters have 'em inside their body sometimes, usually where the stomach should be; crystallized mana." Oguro slotted the last brick of the bottom row into place, grunted, and started on the next row. "I dunno what kind of monster Naungraloth really was; some kinda skeleton mage, or something, maybe. But apparently he was pretty old and strong; the one I got from him was the size of a grapefruit. Most monsters, they're gumball-sized at best. Some big spells use 'em, or you can craft magic items with 'em."

So there are magic items here. Topher had guessed it from the amulet Cailu had used, but he hadn't been able to discount the possibility it had been a unique sort of thing. Another thing I can't afford. He grunted. "Well, glad you got something out of all this, at least. Besides all our worldly goods and a bunch of our money, I mean."

"Don't hate the player, hate the game." Oguro gestured towards another brick, and as the pile shifted, it revealed the cheap paper bag Topher's clothes and groceries had been in. "There's your stuff, pops. Don't hold your breath waiting for me to get it for you, though."

Topher rolled his eyes, then picked his way through the rubble to retrieve the bag; he half-expected Oguro to clock him with a brick, just out of spite, but it didn't happen. As he recovered it, he noticed that Haruko and the others were milling around over by the alleyway's exit; guess they're waiting for Grandpa, he muttered to himself. He half-turned, waving to Oguro a little sheepishly. "Sorry about the mess."

Oguro ignored Topher, keeping his eyes on what he was doing. "So long, old-timer. You want to do business again, your gold spends as good as anybody's; but do me a favor." He flicked a glance at Topher, and his gaze was a swirl of tangled emotions; anger, sadness, amusement, and regret. "Maybe give me a while before you hit me up for a Bud Light. My heart can't take this kind of bullshit every week."

Topher ducked his head, embarrassed and a little grateful. "I will." He started away, shouting, "And it'd be a Corona!" over his shoulder. Behind him, Oguro snorted again.

Despite everything, they spent another night in the loft; Haruko was too worried about Topher to leave him alone, and Topher was too tired to argue. He tried to give half of his gold to Hotaka, but the boy adamantly refused every time; finally, he gave the money to Makoto, instructing her to "get that damn kid to take it by whatever means necessary, including shoving it down his stupid throat if you have to", and gave up. Miraculously, he slept like a dream, which he attributed to the lingering effects of the healing potion; pretty soon I'll be knocking over the neighborhood Item Store for another hit, he thought to himself gloomily. But even his attitude couldn't resist being buoyed by their fortune; they visited a public bath, got cleaned up (Topher actually got to brush his teeth), and washed their clothes. The other kids bought local clothing at Topher's insistence; Hotaka got a gray tunic and brown leggings, while Noboru went with gray leggings under a beige-colored robe. Makoto shocked Topher by dressing in a leather halter top, a midriff-revealing vest, and a pair of loose pants tied at the ankles; Haruko, in contrast, bought and wore a simple blue dress.

Topher, to his own irritation, found that he couldn't bring himself to buy any local clothes, despite the obvious reasons and benefits; I'm probably on borrowed time anyway, and if I'm gonna die, I'm not gonna die looking like a hobo. He wore the jeans, boots, and hoodie he'd bought from Oguro, and threw his filthy bathrobe and cargo shorts in the garbage. Time to get serious.

He kept the flip-flops, though. Some days, a man just didn't have the energy to deal with the hassle of shoes.


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