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26) Visual Self Awareness

Little girl hugs and coyote spit.

It was a mistake to sit down on the floor. I’m in their reach.

Getting a hold of the top of the water stained dresser got me up on my feet and my face out of Blue’s reach, but the girl had her arms wrapped tightly around my neck and her legs dangling down along my side. As light as she was it wasn’t doing my back, or the still healing wound on my chest any good.

“Acey. You’re hurting me. Let go.”

She gave me a horrified look before dropping to the floor and began flapping her hands around in a panic until I patted her on the head while resisting the urge to channel warmth into various places where it was hurting.

I needed some time to think about the whole giving Life Essence to my surroundings bit.

Wilyna finished making her way up the steps to where she was glaring at me from around the door frame.

I wonder what that was about? At least with her, not telling me what the problem was wasn’t some female mind game but just not having the ability to speak.

Still ain’t going to play twenty questions trying to figure out what her problem… was…

“I said I was going to watch over you eating then walked away… I’ll work on that.”

I was in the wrong, but I’m long past apologizing to anyone.

Looking down at the green girl beaming up at me with a wide smile and her eyes closed in bliss, I took my hand away and began to dig around in the boxes I had taken from storage in the attic when they worked on the roof and never bothered to put back.

I found Reed's old clothes in one box that was nearly falling apart. The cardboard had been weakened by leaks, but the clothing was sealed up in clear garbage bags to keep moths from getting to it.

The old white shirt had a slightly faded ad from the show Dallas on it, I don’t know who bought it for a seven year old boy or why, but without bothering to tell me about it, Beryl had been donating all of our son’s outgrown clothing.

I had made her stop after I found out, claiming I could have used them for rags or something, but I hadn't planned on having even the one kid, and I didn't know if any more were on the way. We might have ended up needing those clothes.

She knew how much we made, and we weren't that far away from needing charity from others ourselves for my comfort. I had to tell her over and over that you can’t be generous when you’re the working poor.

It was a bit of a struggle to get the shirt on the girl.

Not because she was fussy, or otherwise struggling with me. She just didn't have any clue as to what I was trying to do. Plus she was so tiny the child sized shirt hung down to her knees with the top of one shoulder nearly out of the neck hole.

Once I had it on her she began tugging at it, not trying to get it off, just trying to see what it looked like on her.

I pointed at the closet door behind her. “There’s a mirror inside the door.”

She gave me an eager but clueless look until I reached out to drag her over by the shoulder, got my hand grabbed instead, and walked her over to the door while she sort of… danced along beside me while Blue ran around trying to trip me.

Oh yeah. Letting myself care about people was going to save my life. Ya huh.

Pulling open the door, I saw three eyes meet their own reflections, then another two as Wilyna pushed her way between me and the open closet to see what the other two were looking at.

The little girl stared at herself in amazement, and two coyotes saw their reflections…

And knew them for themselves.

Animals don’t do that. At least that’s what understood. Then the mother coyote looked me in the eye by way of the mirror as she raised her head to look at my reflection.

“I made you two more than animals, but less than people."

The girl is shaped right, she could pass and be accepted, at least by men if she grows up and fills out.

Wylina tilted her head to one side as if trying to understand me.

“Part of being a person is being accepted by other people, and Humans will never see you as anything but an animal. Either a pet, or at worst a danger, but never an equal.”

“...I did that to you. To her.”

Looking down, I saw Blue looking back up at me. A confused look on her face.

Or at least that’s how I read it.

“I’m in this now. No more locking you out. What I can do to set things up so you have a place to be, to live. That’s what I’m going to do with what time I have left.”

“Forgive me, or don’t. I’m still doing it.”

The mom let out a huff and then looked back into the mirror while the green girl settled down on her knees to hug the pup with one hand while waving at herself in the mirror with the other.

Yeah, all that was a bit over their heads, but I still needed to say it. For myself if not them.

“I need to mow the lawn.” And you know, not be in a room with all the feeling.

Feet and paws followed me downstairs after a moment, and I had to stand near my bedroom door to keep the one with thumbs from following me into my bedroom while I changed from sweats to an old stained shirt and a worn out set of denim jeans.

Plus a beat up set of grass stained dockers held together with duct tape. The wear and tear had made them prone to falling off my feet, and it wasn’t like I was going to ruin a better set of shoes while I could make these ones work for a few more years.

I heard the commotion outside my door as the girl and pup took turns chasing each other around my house, the pups yipping and growling and the girl eerily silent other than her bony little feet hitting the ground.

The two of them were distracted enough that I nearly made it out the back door by myself but Wilyna barked at me as she slipped off the couch to make sure I didn’t lock her in.

In the garage, I lifted the nearly empty gas can and shook it. From the weight and feel of the fluid sloshing around inside, I realized I should have gotten it refilled while the buses were still running. As predicted, their website had posted the suspension of service in my area for the foreseeable future.

Leaving me with what felt like just enough gas to finish the lawn under normal circumstances. Which would be when I kept up with the lawn work well enough to keep the grass from getting so long that the old rusting mower could only use a third of its width on the grass without choking out and dying.

Now though, I might run out before I get to the front.

But it’s the front I worried about, the back is out of sight and social workers aren't going to look too hard for problems they would have to deal with. At least the workers I liked anyways.

...I wonder if I could turn the thing into a Spirit Mower. It would run without gas then, right? Maybe without me even having to push it.

[ Only living beings can have their Spirits woken with Life Essence ]

“Oh sure, that you’ll answer. Stupid boxes.”