NOVEL WEB Chapter 9: System Update - Now With 17% More Uselessness
[Scene: House Reinhardt Estate - Grand Library]
The Grand Library of House Reinhardt was a maze of gilded columns, floating books, and the faint smell of inherited disappointment. Ancient tomes hovered above the marble floor like drunk ghosts looking for their last bookmark. The chandelier — an enchanted thing shaped like a phoenix mid-explosion — glowed ominously above my head.
I was curled in a velvet reading chair too large for human dignity, sipping tea I didn't ask for, reading a book I didn't choose, and contemplating my recent life choices. Namely: why I keep waking up in new noble disasters.
Inner Me: (Why do I smell nutmeg and regret?)
Seraphina was nearby, perched on a window seat with a military-strict posture, flipping through a fencing manual like she was preparing for war. Belladonna was upside down on a bookshelf, reading while dangling from her legs like a particularly smug bat.
"You know," I began, watching a levitating book slap another midair, "I feel like we should talk about the system."
Belladonna flipped a page. "Oh? You mean the digital entity that abandoned you like a deadbeat dad?"
"The very one."
[FLASHBACK TRANSITION: SYSTEM INTERFACE – 3 MONTHS AGO]
> [SYSTEM INITIATED...]
Welcome, Chosen Hero Caelum Reinh—
ERROR: User input contains excessive sarcasm.
Rebooting Personality Protocol...
New Name Detected: KAEL REINHARDT.
Assigning Role: Emotional Liability.
System shutting down for mental health.
[FLASHBACK END]
Yeah. That happened. And yes, the system ghosted me. Literally. But today—today, things were different.
Because the air around me shimmered. A soft chime echoed. The chandelier coughed a spark.
And then—
> [SYSTEM UPDATE v.0.2.9.1 - PATCH NOTES]
• Added new Passive Ability: "Emotional Buffering (Beta)" • Installed Sarcasm Filter (will likely fail) • User sarcasm exceeds safe thresholds: proceed with caution • Installed Achievement Tracker • System Mood: "Uncertain, but trying" • Bonus Title Unlocked: "The Reluctant Protagonist"
Inner Me: (Wow. I got a pity patch.)
The system interface glowed in front of me like a translucent menu from a bad RPG.
> Would you like to view your stats?
"Sure," I muttered. "Let's see how underwhelming my life truly is."
> STATS - KAEL REINHARDT
Strength: 3 Intelligence: 7.5 Charisma: 10 (involuntary) Luck: -3 Sarcasm: 999 (MAX) Unresolved Trauma: Yes
Abilities:
Deflect Responsibility (Passive)
Comedic Timing (Legendary, Uncontrollable)
Break the Fourth Wall (Unlocked)
Attract Chaos (Active, Always On)
Inner Me: (So... I'm a magical clown with a tragic backstory and good hair?)
Belladonna peered over my shoulder. "Ooooh, you got the legendary Comedic Timing skill. That explains the pie incident."
"Which one?"
"Exactly."
Meanwhile, Seraphina set her manual down and approached, arms folded.
"If your system is finally functional, perhaps we can use it to predict threats."
Outer Me: "Right. Let me just input our current location, potential threats, and emotional baggage levels."
> [Calculating...]
Threat Level: Nobly Volatile. Next Event: Unexpected Magical Intrusion (Probable Cause: Plot).
ALERT: NEW QUEST AVAILABLE!
> Quest: Tea with the Queen's Nephew (Yes, That One)
Objective: Survive an overly polite ambush disguised as high tea. Reward: Political Favor, Possible Cake.
"...We're doomed," I muttered.
[SCENE SHIFT: ROYAL CONSERVATORY - TEA GARDEN]
The garden looked like a florally weaponized dream.
Rows of roses sparkled with enchantment. Butterflies carried gossip. A harp played itself in the distance with smug elegance. There was a table set for four, with enough silverware to start a war.
Seated across from me was Prince Myles, the Queen's nephew. Age: 12. Face: Punchable. Smile: Threateningly calm.
Inner Me: (I am about to be assassinated with etiquette.)
Belladonna sipped her tea with all the menace of a potion master. Seraphina held her cup like a sword.
Myles took a sip. "So, Kael, how do you enjoy your betrothal chaos?"
Outer Me: "Like one enjoys an avalanche. You know it's coming, you just hope it misses your favorite boots."
He laughed politely. "You have... quite the reputation."
"Oh good. I was worried I'd have to make a new one."
> SYSTEM POP-UP: Charisma Check Passed. Nobles slightly afraid of you now.
Seraphina leaned in. "Why are we here, Myles?"
Myles smiled. "Oh, just extending royal goodwill. And evaluating whether Kael is a threat, a joke, or something worse."
Inner Me: (Option D: All of the above.)
The tea clinked. The tension rose. Belladonna was quietly mixing herbs into her biscuit.
And then...
> [SYSTEM UPDATE - UNLOCKED SIDE QUEST!]
Quest: Sabotage the Saboteur Objective: Discover Myles' true intent. Reward: Reputation Boost, Possibly Not Dying.
I leaned back. "Myles, let's speak frankly. Do you want something from me, or are you just bored?"
He tilted his head. "You're unpredictable. Dangerous. Funny. That makes you useful."
Inner Me: (Okay but why do I feel like I'm being recruited into a magical mafia?)
He slid a sealed scroll across the table.
"Consider this... a future invitation. From the Queen herself."
Outer Me: "Oh, cool. A scroll. That's never gone horribly wrong in any story ever."
[SYSTEM ALERT: MAJOR STORY ARC INCOMING]
Belladonna muttered, "If this scroll turns into a phoenix and explodes, I'm naming it Gerald."
[SCENE SHIFT: NIGHT - BACK AT ESTATE]
The library was quiet again. Mostly.
I sat before the fire, scroll unopened, Seraphina sharpening her blade nearby, Belladonna distilling sarcasm into glass vials.
The system chimed.
> [Auto-Save Complete]
Mood: Quiet Before the Plot.
Inner Me: (I knew peace was suspicious.)
I finally opened the scroll.
> "Kael Reinhardt, Noble House of Chaos, you are summoned to the Royal Academy of Arcane and Political Excellence. Semester begins in two weeks. Uniforms are enchanted. Professors are worse. Good luck."
"...We're going to school."
Seraphina raised a brow. "Royal Academy? That means more nobles."
Belladonna grinned. "More nobles means more potions."
Inner Me: (More nobles means more therapy.)
> [Quest Accepted: Survive the Academy Arc]
Side Objective: Try not to explode. Again.
I sighed and stood.
"Well, ladies. Pack your bags. It seems the plot has upgraded."
Belladonna held up a vial. "Do we get to choose our roommates?"
"No."
"Do we get to poison our roommates?"
"Absolutely not."
"Not even a little?"
[Inner Me]: (This is going to end so badly.)
---
NEXT TIME, ON "YES, I WAS REBORN..."
Welcome to Royal Academy Orientation! Where:
You get sorted into houses by magical familiars
Your enemy might be your dorm mate
Your lunch might attack you
Kael: "All I wanted was a quiet life. And maybe a croissant. Instead I got a flaming pigeon and a homicidal roommate named Kevin."
See you in Chapter 10: Welcome to Dorm Doom
Don't forget to COMMENT your favorite moment, or the system might assign you Belladonna as a lab partner.
(Inner Me: You've been warned.)