NOVEL WEB Chapter 12: System Update Failed... Again. Also, My Tea Is Missing.
(Location: Reinhardt Estate, Garden of Unreasonably Loud Birds)
Let me start by saying this: Nothing ruins your morning faster than a screeching peacock and a passive-aggressive pop-up window.
Inner Me: Why are the birds louder than my emotional trauma?
There I was, sipping my morning tea (herbal, possibly poisoned — thanks Belladonna), when a familiar glow blinked in front of my eyes. My System — the same one that abandoned me emotionally like a deadbeat magical dad — had returned.
> [SYSTEM REBOOTING... ERROR 404: FUNCTIONALITY NOT FOUND]
Me: Sounds about right.
> [NEW FEATURE UNLOCKED: SOCIAL EMBARRASSMENT RESISTANCE - 0.02%]
Inner Me: Oh wow. At this rate, I might not die blushing by the year 3000.
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A Surprise System Update (That Does Absolutely Nothing)
It turns out, when the System rebooted itself, it also decided to update while I was mid-sip. Naturally, I choked.
Me (coughing): You could warn a guy!
> [WARNING ISSUED RETROACTIVELY. YOU'RE WELCOME.]
Narrator (me): I wanted to throw the teacup at the screen, but apparently that's not how magical interfaces work.
Seraphina walked in just then, sword at her hip, grace in her step, judgement in her eyes.
"You're making faces at the air again," she said.
"No, I'm glaring at my magical abandonment issues," I replied.
She blinked. I blinked. We both moved on like professionals.
Belladonna followed, skipping — because chaos doesn't walk.
"I saw a glowing thing! Did it give you a curse? A rash? A girlfriend?"
Inner Me: Two out of three would still be progress.
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Tea Leaves & System Schemes
Back to my tea — which had now mysteriously vanished.
"Did one of you steal my tea?" I asked.
"No," Seraphina said, too quickly.
"Absolutely," Belladonna said, sipping something.
Inner Me: I'm going to need an alchemist-proof thermos.
A small scroll poofed into existence and smacked me in the forehead.
> [NEW SYSTEM QUEST: RETRIEVE THE SACRED TEA OF CLARITY.] [REWARD: 0.05% CHANCE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE.]
"You've got to be kidding me," I muttered.
> [I NEVER KID. I'M A SYSTEM, NOT A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.]
Inner Me: Then stop clowning around.
---
Welcome to the Garden of Loud Birds and Louder Problems
You'd think, being nobility, I'd have some peace. NOPE. Instead, I was surrounded by:
One alchemist grinning like she drank three espressos.
One sword princess trying to pretend this wasn't her problem.
One System trolling me from another dimension.
A peacock that WOULD NOT STOP STARING.
Me: What do you want, bird?
The peacock flared its tail.
Belladonna gasped. "Oh! That's Prince Featherton! He only does that when he's about to curse someone!"
"That's not real," I said.
"Neither is your chance of avoiding this quest," she replied.
Inner Me: She's got a point, unfortunately.
---
The Quest Begins (With Absolutely No Direction)
"So where do I find this Sacred Tea of Clarity?"
> [UNKNOWN. TRY NOT DYING WHILE SEARCHING.]
Helpful.
We ventured into the deeper gardens. The trees were trimmed like suspicious topiary threats. The flowers whispered (probably about me). Belladonna picked a glowing plant.
"Is this it?"
"That's Nightshade. Put it down."
She licked it.
Seraphina sighed. "We're going to need a healer."
Inner Me: Or an exorcist.
---
Plot Twist: The Tea Was Inside Us All Along (Just Kidding)
Eventually, after battling:
One overly-aggressive hedge maze
Two sentient teapots
And my own rising existential dread
…we found a small, glowing cup floating in the center of a stone pedestal.
Me: That's it? That's the Sacred Tea?
Belladonna sniffed it. "Smells like... burnt expectations."
Seraphina inspected it. "It's warm. Which means someone left it recently."
> [SYSTEM: YOU HAVE FOUND THE SACRED TEA OF CLARITY. YOU MAY NOW ASK ONE QUESTION.]
"Just one?"
> [YES. MAKE IT COUNT.]
I looked at the glowing cup.
I looked at my fiancées.
I looked at my life choices.
"Why me?"
> [ANSWER: BECAUSE YOU'RE HILARIOUS.]
---
Bonus System Message: Because This Chapter Needed More Sarcasm
> [NEW ABILITY UNLOCKED: 'EXISTENTIAL SHRUG'] [Effect: Mild resistance to reality. Does not stack with tea.]
Inner Me: I need a refund on reincarnation.
---
Kael's Question Time™ (Because Apparently I'm a Host Now)
Before you flee like a cursed hedgehog, dear reader, answer me this:
QUESTION #1:
If Kael had to choose a favorite thing in the world (aside from tea, emotionally unavailable mentors, or not dying), what would it be?
a) Books he pretends to read
b) Dramatic monologues to birds
c) Seraphina's accidental compliments
d) Belladonna's snacks (unless they move)
QUESTION #2:
What animal does Kael most fear being reincarnated as?
a) A peacock (they already hate him)
b) A magical tax document
c) A teacup
d) Whatever Belladonna experimented on last week
QUESTION #3:
What's Kael's worst fear (besides the obvious—responsibility)?
a) Group hugs
b) Royal paperwork
c) Belladonna becoming Queen
d) Being taken seriously
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Comment your answers or scream into the void (your call).
Answer reveal? NEXT CHAPTER.
But if you're impatient... fine. Here's what I think:
Correct Answers (as of Kael's current mental state):
1: c) Seraphina's accidental compliments (he pretends to groan but replays them in his head nightly).
2: d) Whatever Belladonna experimented on. Kael has seen things. THINGS.
3: b) Royal paperwork. Existential horror in legal font.
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Next Time on: "Yes, I Was Reborn…"
Kael tries to escape emotional responsibility by hiding in a wardrobe.
Spoiler: It leads to an accidental diplomatic summit