Xiaobai Is Also Troubled Today

"You really want to go that badly?" Lin Yunian asked, looking at Bai Tingzhi, who was sitting opposite him in a daze.
 
Bai Tingzhi seemed to think he was still at the dinner table. He sat on the edge of the desk by the bed, propping his chin on his pen, completely motionless.

 
"No, that's not it..." After a moment, he sighed, at a loss for words.
 

The rain was coming down hard. Lin Yunian's parents had happened to be driving by when school let out, so they had given him a ride. Because of that, his trip to the convenience store had been postponed again. As for Bai Tingzhi's own parents, they'd already spoken on the phone. With the weekend just ahead, it didn't matter if he didn't come home for a night.
 
His parents were probably happy for the peace and quiet.

 
The two families had been close for years; Bai Tingzhi could spend the entire summer vacation here and it wouldn't be an issue.
 

Of course, that wasn't what was on his mind. Whenever he tried to think, his head felt like it was full of paste, and he couldn't grasp a single clear thought.
 
"So, what are your plans?" Lin Yunian asked, his pen flying across the page as he worked.

 
"We can talk about it next time."
 

"I meant about Gu Junzhu."
 
Bai Tingzhi set his pen aside and picked up his phone, starting to scroll. It was unclear if he didn't want to answer or simply couldn't.
 

"What do you think of her?" Frustrated when nothing would load, Bai Tingzhi put his phone down and tossed the question back at him.
 
Lin Yunian thought for a moment, then uttered a single word: "Excellent."

 
Bai Tingzhi nodded silently. He hadn't felt this conflicted after their chat at noon, but for some reason, he was finding it difficult to concentrate now. His mind kept wandering. If it wasn't about Gu Junzhu, then what else could he be thinking about?
 

He really didn't think he cared that much about the general store. Or was it that, deep down, he remembered yesterday's events all too clearly, and the "subtle" changes to his body were what he was most concerned about?
 
"I think I might need a nap," Bai Tingzhi said definitively.

 
Lin Yunian gave him a meaningful look. "...I think so, too. Anyway, the homework can wait."
 

"Right. Well, I'm heading home then." Bai Tingzhi slid off the bed, his small feet, clad in clean white socks, landing directly on the cold wooden floor.
 
"You're going to sleep till morning? I thought you just wanted a quick nap. It's pouring out there, why don't you wait a bit?" Lin Yunian glanced out the window, then gently pushed Bai Tingzhi back. "Just sleep here for a while. I'll keep doing my homework. I'll wake you when the rain lets up."

 
Bai Tingzhi didn't speak. He pursed his lips, his head lowered as he stared at the floor.
 

Should I buy something to eat on the way back?
 
To Lin Yunian, it looked as if Xiaobai was staring at his own feet in silent grievance, and a strange feeling stirred within him.

 
If this guy were actually a girl, a lot of people would probably like him. He has that easy-to-bully look. Plenty of boys have come to confess, but I've stopped all of them.
 

But Gu Junzhu... Why would I stop a girl? Xiaobai isn't a girl, after all.
 
If he were a girl, would he still have these kinds of troubles? Bai Tingzhi's personality is what it is, but it's a shame he ran into Gu Junzhu. He has no experience and no idea what to do, and now it's been troubling him for a long time.

 
Living life over again might be a good choice, but unfortunately, life doesn't give you choices. And Xiaobai is Xiaobai.
 

"If you want to go back, then go. I'll walk you."
 
Lin Yunian grabbed his coat from the chair and tossed Bai Tingzhi's own clothes to him.

 
The umbrella carried the cold, damp smell of rain, its dark canopy shielding them from the streetlights.
 

A cool breeze blew down from the mountain, making the corners of their clothes flutter. The chilly night was a herald of the coming midsummer, and Bai Tingzhi could vaguely sense the arrival of a season of growth.
 
And with it, the arrival of countless other things.

 
A summer etched in memory.
 

Everything was growing wildly—memories, emotions, longings...
 
"Are you hungry?" Lin Yunian held the umbrella, keeping Bai Tingzhi steadily covered.

 
Bai Tingzhi had thought so when he was lying on the bed, but now he didn't feel like eating anything.
 

He shook his head, his gaze sweeping past Lin Yunian's broad shoulders.
 
Lao Lin has somehow become really dependable. He's grown up without me even realizing it. So why hasn't a single girl confessed to him?

 
He couldn't possibly like boys, could he...?
 

Bai Tingzhi recalled the question he'd pondered in the corridor at noon, making a strange connection.
 
He shook the vaguely repulsive thought from his mind, then reached out and pulled the umbrella from Lin Yunian's hand.

 
"Here, this is for you." He stuffed a wrinkled, folded-up umbrella with a cartoon white bear on it into Lin Yunian's hand. "It's my cousin's. She left it at my place a while ago and never came back for it."
 

"Right." Lin Yunian didn't believe a word of it. Fine, she didn't come back for it, but you kept it in your bag all this time? The weather forecast didn't even call for rain today.
 
If Bai Tingzhi knew what Lin Yunian was thinking, he would have surely argued. But this was, in fact, not an umbrella his cousin had left behind during the New Year.

 
It had rained a few days ago, and on a whim, he had gone to the school supermarket and bought one. It looked too childish, but he secretly liked it quite a bit, while also feeling that it wasn't a suitable style for a boy to carry.
 

Today was a good excuse to palm it off on Lin Yunian.
 
Lin Yunian opened the umbrella and stepped away from Bai Tingzhi.

 
"Get back safe," Lin Yunian urged.
 

"I know. It's so close, I'll get there faster than you can walk back now. What's there to be afraid of?"
 
"Alright."

 
A stream of rainwater flowed down the sloping street, past Bai Tingzhi's feet.
 

He turned to walk up the hill, then suddenly spun around and called out to Lin Yunian.
 
"Don't you have a girl you like?"

 
Lin Yunian froze, turning halfway back. The white bear umbrella shielded his tall frame under the orange glow of the streetlight and the falling rain. His familiar face was a blur, distorted by the reflection of the wet road.
 

"No." After saying that, Lao Lin turned and calmly walked away under the umbrella.
 
Unable to stifle a sneeze, Bai Tingzhi gently rubbed his nose, the cold from his fingertips spreading to his mind. The wind blew past, leaving him to walk the rest of the way alone.

 
Better get home quick, or I'll really catch a cold...
 

He held his own umbrella tight and ran home, his footsteps splashing through countless insignificant puddles.
 
There are no gifts that fall from the sky, # Nоvеlight # but plenty of disasters do. If you can't be sure of peace or peril out in the world, then at least being at home is the most reassuring feeling there is.

 
Five hundred million.
 

Was it an obsession, or a doubt?
 
It felt like a kind of magic, urging him to consider, compelling him to be fascinated, changing him slowly, imperceptibly.

 
Or maybe, he actually did care about becoming a girl, and he just didn't want to admit it. The feeling—of novelty, of rebirth—made his heart itch with curiosity. He felt that if this were a dream, he would become wildly ecstatic.
 

That was the real reason urging him down that path.
 
Bai Tingzhi's slender arm rested on the handle of the gate, and his heart skipped a beat.

 
There were no lights on in the house. From the outside, it was quiet and dark. His parents probably weren't home yet; it was too early for them to be asleep, especially on a weekend.
 

Rain splattered on the steps, landing on his white socks.
 
"Girl..."

 
Or whatever...
 

"Tingzhi—!"
 
A black car pulled up to the gate, and his mother's call came from the rolled-down window.

 
I'm not that curious.
 

"Want to go see a movie?"
 
A drop of water slid down Bai Tingzhi's bangs.

 
Girl... who would actually want to become one...?!