www.me

MI3.

It's not yet 3pm.

I woke up around 4am.

Did some reading out loud, ate leftovers from yesterday, took a shower.

Worked on a volunteer gig, then fell back to sleep.

Outside it's a little grey and uninviting.

I'm having trouble trying to inspire myself to write.

I've been envisioning a world where anything I write becomes true, and what I would write if then.

Maybe nothing.

When I was learning about my ancestry, I came across a man named Calvin Pendleton.

According to what I read, he was Mormon and taught people how to read and make firearms.

I know people who take issue with both.

Personally, I'm relatively neutral with only slight hesitation.

I watched an interview Jin did where he took a lie detector test.

He said he wanted to work in film.

So I started focusing more on developing one with him.

My volunteer gig is with a film festival in Texas. I'm hoping to steer myself with this experience. I'm not sure if I can say more.

Around the time of the pandemic I was thinking a lot about community theatre.

Lately, I felt like trying to be a little more strategic where in the past I've been spontaneous.

It doesn't come naturally to me.

I was thinking about the time Jin asked me to go see a movie with him.

Part of the reason I didn't want to go was because I volunteered with that theatre and they were kind of advantageous in a way that lacked anything useful.

I'm trying to avoid putting myself in situations like that again.

I joined Weverse so I could try to shift my focus from members of Stray Kids.

It was getting too emotionally draining.

I worry about whether I'm tokenizing these men, but hoped the nature of the industry might be forgiving.

Today I was faced with some colorism online. This has been something I've dealt with all my life. I think that's part of the reason I find Jin visually appealing, and Kpop in general.

There is a lot of dialogue about cultural appropriation and colorism.

I find it all pretty frustrating.

Last semester I took a World Music class and we were all asked to introduce our background.

I said I'm mixed with everything from Asia to Africa. Specifically, I said North Africa, and my Italian instructor had to inform me that Angola and Congo are in Central Africa.

It was pretty typical.

Looking at a map, what I meant was based on my maternal bloodline and Sicilian Heritage.

In another class I was informed that Sicily isn't a country, but considered a part of Italy.

Nowhere am I considered a citizen.

I'm too dark to be white and too light to be black.

When Jin calls himself world wide handsome I feel like this is what he means.

I wish I could ask him about it.

There were a few things we had in common.

I found it interesting that I had that dream about the ropes, and then he had the song called Rope.

I'm not sure how to write fan fiction.

I guess if I was a fan of Jin's music, I would write a story about working together.

 I asked Gemini to write a script but my screen kept timing out.

I'm feeling kind of restless.

I had another dream about Jin that we knew each other in a past life.

I was trying to remember how that came about.

I think he really wanted me to know he wasn't the only one making creative decisions.

I wondered what it would be like if he was.

When I was under a lot of stress I had these dreams about Cleo after she had the implant.

This morning I was reading about Scientology and what they said about all of this.

It reminded me of the interview Jin did with Tom Cruise, who allegedly inspired the character development which eventually lead to the film American Psycho.

I was watching videos of Jin and trying to think of what character he would inspire.

I used to read a lot of books.

These days I prefer to listen.

Just before that I decided I only liked books with pictures.

There was one called Manga Man I wanted to develop, but I felt like the visual would be more suited to someone else and I didn't want to step on any toes culturally so I stopped thinking about it.

I was trying to make my own story. I tried making it fiction, inspired by one of my favorite authors, Amy Tan.

That's why I'm writing fiction now.

In my story, I'm myself. But I don't have to pretend everything is fact. I'm allowed to take liberties with reality.

To fictionalize.

In the fictional version of my life there was another life happening at the same time as mine.

One of the characters is Jin.

Not the real Jin.

The fictional Jin.

The first time I really listened to Jin sing, I felt pretty emotional.

I always pay attention to sounds that make me feel something emotionally because it affects the physical sensations that often overwhelm me.

I watched the video for the song and found a lot of similarities to the reality I was aware of.

I wondered how common it must be for that to have happened.

The story I wrote was that he was working with songwriters and told them a very vague version of spying on me in the game.

I imagined it might have been difficult to separate a desire to have a normal personal life that included a family with the reality of being a performance artist.

I understand it to be true more intimately as I progress.

It's like watching a television show and being involved with the characters.

My mom was like that.

A lot of people are.

The mundane pieces of life being washed in soaps.

A plot. An arc. Familiarity.

In Scientology they address past lives for this purpose, I presume.

There was a programmer who was involved in the investigation of my situation who suggested this:

A poem found its way to me, and along with it was a story about a peasant girl who was murdered by a wealthy concubine for her beauty.

She drowned, and a man died trying to rescue her.'

Paradigms.

Well, I couldn't independently verify this but my instinct was that in a past life, Jin and I knew each other with a similar story.

Maybe I was just daydreaming of being rescued.

The more I look at him, though, the less I feel that way.

He seems insecure to me. Vulnerable.

Watching the interview where he took a lie detector interested me for that reason.

I wondered how much he learned of Scientology and whether those skills might transfer to passing those sorts of exams.

The sky outside is darkening.

I'm thinking about going to the gym later.

The thing about Jin that attracted me was how paternal he was.

Never really knowing the man on my birth certificate created ample opportunity for these feelings to emerge.

The relationship I had with his family only excavated this further.

I thought of the men who felt deserving of taking up this space, and how my experiences with them narrowed it.

I try to imagine a romance.

In Missoula I would spend a considerable amount of time in the library watching videos on a borrowed laptop.

I felt like Jin suggested a k drama during this time.

He was very suggestive.

Things I should watch or wear or do.

I thought of a conversation I had with my aunt about Paul. My father, supposedly.

How he wouldn't have approved of some of the things that I did.

I found it funny.

Jin felt that way to me.

He loved me anyway.

I wondered if it was the kind of love someone has for a customer that pays the bills, or the kind of love that I could only imagine.

The episode of the drama I watched with him featured the contract marriage trope.

I stopped watching it because it reminded me of something I was supposed to forget.

The implant Cleo got was intended for children but with regard to members of the military.

One of the features was to be able to erase unpleasant memories.

There were supposedly still people who could try to implement the feature on me.

Jin paid a lot of money to have this done when he fell on top of me.

I guess it didn't work.

I wondered what he would think if he read this.

I'm not accusing him of anything.

Of course I can't prove any of it.

But he calls me quite often.

Yesterday I got a notification that hackers had accessed Microsoft Sharepoint.

I thought it was interesting because my school uses Microsoft, but we were still online.

One of the plot holes in my story about the game is how the system continues to function undetected.

After all, data must be stored in order to be accessible.

The game stays in operation by accessing data this way.

In ways that appear mundane.

One of the programmers who contacted me in a way that could only be safely described in English as spiritually was calling himself Chingy.

He said he was Chinese. I couldn't tell you for sure whether that was true or not, but it was around the time a supposedly spy balloon was making its way through airspace practically over my head.

I was sleeping outside of the court house when someone tried to take me. I woke up too soon.

They were saying all kinds of things. Things I felt I should record for my own protection.

Things like that my ex sold my uterus after practically forcing me to have it removed.

I can't prove it, but when I went to that hospital later with a concussion they threw me out without so much as an exam.

Lots of places in Missoula did things like that to me.

I don't have to make it come true with my writing.

Chingy was telling me that they could grow me a new one, and in fact they already had. But because it was taking a lot longer for me to get out of the country, they decided to dispose of it. He said he ate it and it got him all messed up.

I thought that was pretty funny to imagine.

Chingy was one of my favorite people during that time.

I think if Jin and I end up together he'll be the best man at our wedding.

He's a big guy. Tall and muscular, but also in spirit. He takes up a lot of space. He's loud, bisexual, and likes leather. He rides motorcycles and has a lot of kids with different women. He adopts women. One of his girlfriends was a nail tech, and he helped her start a business. He isn't a bad guy, but he's done a lot of questionable things.

When he came here, they put him in jail and deported him for trying to take me from the courthouse.

He says he won't try it again that way.

Felix is reading all of this with a nauseated smirk.

I guess they were all playing cooperatively around that time.

Jin and Chingy would make fun of Felix saying he didn't stand a chance.

They were all up against their mothers and sisters.

Thing about the game was, the binary nature of electronics makes things relevant with regard to gender.

It's easier in ways for women to play women or men to play men.

That's probably why so many men pray to god as a man in the sky.

That's why I started to identify as genderfluid.

The lore around Cleo was that because her mother had been dead before she got a physical form, it was supposed to be strictly forbidden for women to touch her.

For the person I am on paper today, the same could be said.

I started getting pretty frustrated with women around that time.

Like the movie Snow White, with the evil stepmother and her looking glass.

I could feel women's gaze and ill intent.

I tried to go offline.

I even tried smashing my phone.

It didn't help.

Jin's mother was one of them.

She would handle me roughly and blame him.

If you play a video game that had an avatar I want you to try to think carefully about what may have inspired it.

Buttons.

Joysticks.

Cords.

I kept asking Jin to stop because he was hurting me.

I try not to let people that are bigger than me touch me for this reason.

I found it funny because Jin would make comments about me being to big or out of shape.

I think men do that because they want to be able to get you alone.

Maybe it's because they wanted to put you in their pocket. Like a knife or something to eat later.

There was a comic book I tried reading where the girlfriend was miniature sized.

It made me upset. I kept thinking of the people who saw me only through telescopes.

They couldn't bear to risk getting closer and spoil the view.

I tried thinking about Jin that way after we watched the drama where the characters accidentally kiss.

He does have nice lips.

They look like two rose petals about to fall off.

I used to like kissing. Then I kissed someone who made me so sick and sad I couldn't do it again.

The last time I tried to kiss someone was years ago. I just wanted him to stop bothering me.

I thought maybe if I kissed him and he didn't like it, he would go away.

I don't think I can safely elaborate.

A lot of people used to kiss me because of the implant.

We'll call it a brain.

If you look at power lines it's like that.

It's why people in churches try not to touch anyone they aren't married to.

It doesn't have to be a kiss.

I know it's an antiquated notion.

But too many people touch screens and learn things to completely deny it.

So I decided that I won't touch anyone that way again until I'm sure I want to be with them forever,

Or I'm sure I don't care if I won't.

I think that's why I keep looking at idols.

I used to write poems about people I kissed.

Now I just feel tense.

Knowing it won't be this way forever.

Just me and god trying to find our way to each other's heaven on a power line made with fallen rose petals.

Peoples ideas about love are so confusing.

I try to imagine falling in love with someone I haven't met yet.

It's not easy to do.

I was live streaming myself falling asleep so I felt less lonely and hoping someone would see it and think they could be there. Even though I'm hard to look at sometimes.

I've tried just sleeping next to people and it never ends well.

Usually sex.

Watching Jin, it's not difficult to imagine what it would be like.

The thing about using your imagination is, it can turn into reality.

I spend some time reading things people wrote who have opinions about that.

Sleeping with Jin.

I try not to get into the gruesome detail.

I know how complicated it can get.

Writing a good sex scene doesn't seem like it should be so complex.

I try to think of the first time I tried.

I started to read before it would be proper to mention now.

Recently I submitted a story to Harlequin that was rejected and felt slightly perturbed.

That maybe it was something I should try to improve.

I wondered what might have happened if Jin had not felt like he was having a nervous breakdown in the scene that transpired with the artificial intelligence module Chingy was moderating the use of at the time.

It was dark. Sort of like that scene in Under the Skin.

I couldn't see him, but I could feel him.

I told him I was gonna use the rope to tie us together and see how long he could last.

Sort of like a sexual human centipede.

I think the concept of soul mates is sort of skewed by spiritual static.

You and I are made up of a set of substances.

You mix them together and it creates a third set.

If it's sustainable you'll know because you'll feel satisfied by it.

The thing is, time is so fluid and subjective.

Some people think theories like the Big Bang are made up.

But for the purpose of this story let's say it isn't. That there was a collision that led all the way up to where we are now.

And how long did that take to transpire?

So I guess I can't say with certainty whether Jin and I were supposedly to stay together.

But we aren't together physically at the moment.

I wonder what it looked like through a telescope.

When I'm trying to maintain my composure through all of this I imagine the idea comes from watching people move.

I watched Jin dancing and throughout, my mind created a network of possibilities in motion.

 I could imagine what he might say or do that way.

The same could be said for almost anyone.

I love you.