www.me

He never felt absent.

After the incident in Canberra, Felix found himself on a plane to Seoul.

He had a new family, but not long after, he was living in the JYP dorms under round the clock surveillance.

What I think a lot of foreign fans don't understand is that the idol system is in place for this reason. It was a program developed to offer opportunities, somewhat like foster care.

That's one reason I'm so interested in it. Being in foster care was painful. I would like to see a way to replace it with something else.

Felix struggled in his early days with JYP for a number of reasons.

As I type this I realize it's something that might offend the person behind the pretense, so I want to stress that it's a work of fiction that you're reading.

He told his family and then some of the staff that he was hallucinating.

People he had seem in dreams, only he was awake now and they were real people.

He knew because of things like Facebok.

One of them was my now deceased half sister, who I believe was murdered because she was actually my daughter and the people responsible did not want anyone to find out what was be8ing done to me. Being bred like a dog all these years.

When people ask why I don't like dogs I don't know how to explain. How I'd kick them off because of the way they let themselves be used by humans. It disgusts me.

Felix's family wanted to do the same to him. They would pair him up with all kinds of girls. Because of how difficult he was towards them they started doing it remotely.

I imagine how angry he might get if these things were true, but it's similar to how angry I get knowing he has followed me and spent nearly every dime that doesn't go to medical bills doing so and covering his tracks.

Or that he gets paid for it. A lot. More than I make in a year sometimes.

Would I ever want to meet him? He has tried to get me to go see Stray Kids.

I refused because I knew he just wanted to look at me the same way he looks at everyone else that shows up.

In that moment whatever repoire we built would crumble. So I keep considering it.

Sometimes the idea of shattering the beginnings of what could be a delusion are appealing.

The family that helped raise me wanted him to be with her. It was like having a private line of communication that they could exploit.

But he never wanted her because of me.

Even though everyone kept telling him this would never happen.

I try to remain disconnected from it all, like it's just some fairy tale. And sometimes I hide everything and try to forget him.

Like when I was in the hospital, on antipsychotics that didn't help it at all. Actually, I would say it almost made things worse.

Desire is a funny thing. You can put two magnets together but when your mind and body behave the same way you can get called crazy or worse. I try to be careful with it. I think maybe this is happening because we have similar facial structure. There are religions I considered that discourage graven image for this reason. But after being in the hospital without a cell phone and the situation becoming only amplified I can't take the idea as having any potential relief.

There is a game online where you pick people to be your pet.

And that's how a lot of them treat me.

I get a little irritated by it sometimes. Especially when I think about how they might be keeping me somewhere like a retreat, then going around and being seen with someone else. While I'm here, stuck in the room alone, untouched.

So I don't chase after these men because I know that this is likely what my life would be with them. Unless I wanted to be a pocket pussy, or part of their crew.

When I was in Missoula a lot of those girls, started harassing me because they saw me as some kind of threat. What a joke.

They call them pocket pussies because they get hired as a stylist or MUA and because of convenience, get to hook up with idols.

I've seen it, and I've seen the way it unravels.

I'm not interested.

The things about the way the implants was exploited in me is they make it so you don't have to sleep with someone to know them intimately,

There are a lot of sex workers who do this nowadays. And they don't like me speaking up about it. They'll go to the voting booth to prevent the technology form advancing, and they dislike it when someone tries to stop this. Frankly the feeling of distaste is mutual. I was a child, and no child deserves to be treated like a toy that can be played with. For a grown woman or man to lack empathy for that to protect their ability to afford a beamer and exotic travel repulses me.

I even had one of these bitches hit me in my sleep with a cattle prod after I mocked the way she was walking from being paid a years worth of salary to take one in the ass.

I didn't see a dime for what she did to me.

I hope everyone who read about me on tor understands I have no control over this device whatsoever. But there are people who have them that do. They are licensed and they are determined to protect themselves.

Felix is one of them. And that's one reason I try to be cautious when I interact with him.

When I was in jail, I felt him observing me and I hear Min telling me to be careful. I think they all hold him suspect because he was born abroad, and is Catholic.

He knows he can just go confess if he crosses a line. And the church will protect him.

I'm not sure if I could commit to a life like that.

I look at him and I think that the love that I feel might just be a reflection of the carely cultivated love for myself that I try to protect from people who haven't had a chance to do so.

I know he was watching me for a long time. He would pretend to be with me, to get through the times as a trainee when he was forbidden to date. And now it didn't matter because his company would have to approve it so he wouldn't be sued for defamation.

So I keep writing this because I've already hear them say that they don't care.

But I want them to know that this is just a story I've crafted out of boredom, because I wanted to experience first hand what it would be like to be a trainee.

I wanted to invent a way to feel less lonely, to still have a life.

And wouldn't this be it?

People hold small screens in hand to talk to people that aren't really there all the time.

It's not so far fetched.