World Boss: Break the Narrative

So after establishing that I wasn’t going to wreck the place, and Lola wasn’t planning to kill us all. The conversation wrapped up pretty quick. Apparently She had to attend a Peace conference in Geneva. Which answered as many questions as it raised.

Oh well, Sunit led me to the others who actually went to a large lodge type building across the road of the temple. They were also happy to hear that we wouldn’t have to fight the nice people feeding us. We sort of split up after that. Brunhilda said she needed to think. Brand said he was going to resupply, and research the journal. Angelica said she had laundry to do.

“Wanna go meet a martial arts master?” I asked Spine.

“He isn’t going to kick me in the dick is he?” the goblin asked. He turned to the side slightly to protect himself.

“...I don’t think so. Probably best to not talk shit though. That is a good way to get hit.” I said as we left the lodge and made our way to another not quite abandoned building. The wind had picked up again and it caused the snow to flow violently down the lanes between the buildings. This seemed to have driven everyone back inside. Our destination was… well not quite a barn. It was more of a pole shed I guess. Rather than open the two story tall roller doors, Spine and I went to the tiny human door for tiny humans.

I knocked.

After a fairly long moment the door opened. A guy a bit shorter than Brand peered out at us. He blinked against the bright light of winter day, whiteouts are fun that way. He peered up at me, as I gazed down at him. He was a thin man clearly made of whipcord muscle. His curly black hair was shocked with a few gray hairs. His face had some prominent laugh lines around his brown eyes. Beneath his slightly flattened nose was a massive pornstache. He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie.

We spent a moment blinking at each other, clearly neither of us had an actual plan to start a functional conversation. Oh no, I met another introvert. …wait, thank God, another introvert.

I had to act, “Hello.” there that broke the silence.

“Hello,” he said back. After a moment he asked, “Can I help you?”

“I’m Doug,” I offered.

“Nice to meet you Doug, I am Seth,” He replied.

This wasn’t working, “Lola said I should ask you to teach me Cosmic Martial arts.”

“Oh” he blinked at me again, “Well if she said so, you should probably come inside.”

“Is it just me or is this strangely awkward?” Spine asked.

Seth upon seeing a goblin said, “Watch out,” like it was a spider and moved to punt Spine.

Without thinking I stepped in the way… and was immediately kicked in the dick.

And that is the first interaction I had meeting my teacher.

It took a good five to ten minutes to deescalate the situation. Spine to his credit immediately moved to help me. By hopping on my back and trying to shoot Seth in the face. Seth dodged the shot, and did his best to pummel the goblin. Again I inserted myself in the way getting several fresh lumps for my trouble. Spine, now that the adrenaline was pumping, proceeded to try and launch a guerilla war from inside my cloak. Of all the things I thought possible to experience in life, a goblin firing an arrow at someone from my person was not on the list. To his credit Seth avoided the vast majority of Spine’s attacks while unleashing a truly punishing chain of counter attacks… which I had to endure because I promised to protect Spine.

Eventually I just started blocking all of their attacks while shouting “Stop! Stop! Stop!” This resulted in another dick kick and a crossbow bolt stuck under my thumbnail.

“That’s a goblin!” Seth yelled pointing at Spine.

“That’s an asshole!” Spine shouted, jabbing a finger towards Seth.

Seth paused. He didn’t seem to like being called an asshole, most people don’t, but the twist of having a goblin do it was confusing. He turned back to me, “That goblin can talk, and you are tremendous.”

“I am beginning to suspect that Lola didn’t tell you I was coming,” I said as I healed. A d4 really hurts. If you don’t believe me, step on one.

“Goddess Lola,” Seth corrected seemingly on reflex. “No, she doesn’t exactly consult me. Who are you?”

“My friend there is Spine Spindle-Bite, I am Doug. I am the Left Hand of the Titan,” I explained. I paused, “Would you be willing to teach me Cosmic Martial Arts… please?”

“...Sure, I was going to try and catch up on my reading, but why not… you should come inside though. This weather is getting worse.” Seth held the door open.

The inside of the place was… well I have no idea what a -dojo? I’m gonna go with dojo- was supposed to look like. What I saw was a big empty space with a gravel floor for half the area. The rest was cement. A cot was stuck in the corner next to a little shack that looked like it led to a bathroom.

Icicles hung from the bare rafters and frost covered the walls. With the exception of a metal wood-burning stove there was no heat in this place. Well, I guess there was some from the lights. About a dozen electric bulbs were scattered across the rafters, so the shed did have power. No idea how, but it was either magic or it wasn’t… definitely one of those two options.

“This place is… kinda shit,” Spine said.

I nudged him.

Seth shrugged, “I am not exactly on the best terms with Goddess Lola. Not since I left the Technacost. Ever since I got out here… well, it is better than anything the authorities there would have done.”

“The Technacoast has magical martial artists?” I asked, having to reassess my understanding of a place I already had no understanding of.

“Yeah, they have three of the best schools in the world.” Seth thought for a moment, “Maybe another two or three high end ones too.”

“I could be ignorant, but that doesn’t seem to fit with the supposed sci-fi theme of the Technacoast.” I observed.

Seth nodded as he pulled a steamer trunk out from under his cot, “You have a point. The Technacoast is less than accommodating to most fantasy creatures or classes, but you are failing to factor in the social lubricant that is political expediency.”.

“I don’t quite follow.” I said. I turned to Spine.

“No clue,” Spine admitted. He shrugged and I could see the blade he was palming. Apparently he had not reached the ‘forgive and forget’ stage with Seth yet.

“During the third war with the Fantasy Coast, we were about gone. They had so many high Scale and high level fighters... Hell, they had three living gods on their side. Then a wise warrior came down from the Mountains and taught us several Elevated martial arts. Forgive the play on words, but it helped us punch above our weight class.”

That sounded like a potential issue. “So Lola is aligned with the Technacoast?”

Seth popped the clasps on the trunk, “Goddess Lola,” he corrected again, “and no. She is above political concerns. Similar to Goddess Adora, or Goddess Debbie.” When he saw I didn’t know who Debbie was he continued, “The Goddess of Death.”

Death is named Debbie?... I am not gonna talk shit. I am named Doug. “Are there any big name male gods?”

Seth had pulled two heavy metal gauntlets, some real shit-kicking boots, and some less than kind looking knee and elbow pads. They looked like they were more for increasing impact for the recipient rather than protecting the wearer. “Of course, there is God Sims, God of Cities, God Aukai, God of Sailors, and God Dal, God of Agriculture.”

“Sailors?” I asked.

Seth was gearing up. Which was slightly concerning, “Crossing the ocean has become quite dangerous. The people that do sail the ocean have the backing of either God Aukai or the dragons. Most people would rather brave the war zone that is Europe. It is safer than the ocean for most. “

“Sea monsters?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” Seth said. He slammed his metal-covered hands together, “Ready?”

“For what?” I managed just before Seth punched me in the head.

Attack from Seth Successful!

You take 4 damage

Titanic Regeneration Heals 38 HP

HP: 420/420

“Ow,” I said.

“Damn! How high is your defense?” Seth kept his eye on me, poised to dodge. He didn’t want me to just smack him back.

I checked. “It says 110.”

Seth looked at me like I had two heads, “That’s a lot.” he thought for a moment, “Before you hit me, how high is your Power Attribute?”

“With gear forty, without twenty,” I explained before adding, “With magic I can push to effectively sixty.”

“Please take off that gear and do not use any magic.” He thought for a moment, “You are going to need to ditch the armor too.”

“Uh… I would rather leave the armor on.” I muttered.

“Don’t be shy, we are just going to be kicking each other in the face. Plus, you are covered in blood. No one is going to make a move on you,” Seth instructed.

I pulled my armor into my inventory down to my tighty-whities.

Seth raised an eyebrow, “What does that drop you to?

I checked again, “Eighty-eight.” I shrugged. I had a lot of defense.

“Oy vey,” Seth muttered, “How is it so high?”

“I have a combination of perks and traits that make all clothing I have become highly effective armor.” I explained.

“I see. Okay, you will need some training clothes then. One moment.” Seth walked back to his trunk. He came back with some clothes folded together in a flat rectangle. “Put these on. They will not count as armor to the system.”

I took them into my inventory and equipped them. Oof! These were tight. I felt like a sausage. I looked at the clothes more carefully. The shirt was a skintight pink tee with the picture of a unicorn and a rainbow with the word ‘alpha male’ scribed in glittery letters. The pants were gray sweats.

“Why is the word Juicy written on your ass?” Spine asked.

“Are these women’s pants?” I asked.

“Of course not. When you wear them, they are man pants.” Seth explained.

“I am down to forty defense.” The clothes didn’t really bother me. Before Jo and Hank, my biological parents had just dressed me in whatever clothes they could get from hand-me-downs or from charities. I had worn ‘girl’ clothes before. I remember the lack of understanding from elementary students.

…Odd. normally stuff like that would have triggered a Willpower Roll.

“Alright,” Seth said with a nod.

“Are we going to fight?” I asked. Right as Seth kicked me in the nuts.

Attack from Seth Successful!

You take 11 damage

Titanic Regeneration Heals 38 HP

HP: 420/420

“Why?” I squeaked.

“It is important you are prepared at all times. Okay, I want you to try and hit me. Stop if I tell you to though.”

So it turns out trying to hit someone that doesn’t want you to hit them is actually really difficult… when they are better at fighting than you. Seth was not exactly visually impressive if you just looked at the guy, but once he got moving… he was an agile little bastard. The troubling bit was he wasn’t doing anything crazy. He would mostly side step, or duck my attacks. When he did block my attacks, which was rarely, he wouldn’t directly oppose my strength so much as redirect my momentum slightly.

He had several chances to really put the boot in when he was kicking my ass, but passed on all but a few. Specifically when I dropped all attempts of protecting myself to grab him. That turned into a thing where he grabbed my arm… and I ended up on my back blinking at him. I think he flipped me. That is probably what happened. The other time was when I had a moment of distraction seeing Spine messing with Seth’s stuff. I turned to tell Spine to leave that alone, and was kicked in the back. Hard.

“Ow! Time out!” I called to Seth, “Spine, don’t mess with other people's stuff.”

“You Narc!” Spine said, holding what looked to be silverware.

“There is no time o- Hey Get away from my stuff!” Seth moved to intercept the little goblin.

I step forward, and slightly in Seth’s way before telling Spine, “Put it back.”

“I was just-” Spine started.

“Is it yours?” I press over his objection.

“...no,” Spine admitted. When I simply kept watching he continued, “...so I will put them back.” He placed the silverware back in the trunk. He met my gaze again, and seeing I was still doing the judgemental parent stare referenced a teenage mental checklist, “...I am sorry.” I continued staring. Eventually Spine sighed and turned to Seth, “I am sorry I touched your things without asking.”

Seth was clearly not happy with the apology but was also not committed to making this a thing, “It’s fine, Just don’t mess with any of my art books or pens or pencils.”

“Just to be clear, I can have the knives?” Spine asked, a hopeful grin twisting his face.

“No,” Seth and I said at the same time.

This did result in a slight time out. It was agreed that making Spine sit there doing nothing for prolonged periods of time was dumb. So Seth did produce a notepad and several writing utensils for Spine to draw with or whatever.

I had expected some pushback but the little guy took them and sat quietly doing… I was not sure what, I don’t think he was drawing. Oh well, that was better than crime.

“Okay, let’s go,” I said just before Seth kicked my right in the dick again.

“You gotta protect them, man,” Seth warned. “Okay, I am going to start trying to hit you. You stop me.”

What happened next was Seth beating me like a drum that had wronged him. For a little guy he packed a wallop. I tried but I was extremely unsuccessful in trying to block his attacks. If I had to guess, his Power Attribute was simply too high for me to consistently block or dodge for that matter.

Now this did suck, a lot. However, Seth was the one growing more and more frustrated and angry as we continued my violent beating. The thing is, I could do this all day. Blunt force trauma sure as hell didn’t tickle, and something ruptured inside me causing the Internal Bleeding condition more than once, but I was immune to its effects and it faded after eight seconds each time.

Also this wasn’t being literally eaten alive by Snow lions. …fuck them.

After about two hours Seth sagged. He was exhausted and covered in sweat. His gauntlets were warped and his left boot had cracked and split, “You gonna give at any point?”

“That was an option the whole time?” I demanded while my nose reset itself… again. Much more surprising was teeth that got knocked loose would re-embed themselves back in my gums.

“Yeah, that is how the first lesson always goes. They are stress tests!” Seth yelled back. “Were you born yesterday?”

“No, I’ve been around for at least ten days now!” I spat.

“Oh… then I’m Sorry!” Seth yelled back.

“It’s okay I should have explained that earlier!” I roared back.

“I’ll adjust the lesson plans!” Seth continued shouting.

“Thank you!” I kept shouting. Not sure why.

“Are you guys still fighting?” Spine asked.

“I am not sure,” I admitted, reducing my voice to a regular tone.

Seth rolled his shoulders before wrenching one of the gauntlets off, “No. Let’s start at the beginning. How did you manage to get to Expert Skill level in ten days?”

Before I could say Snow Lions one dropped from the rafters onto me.