What We Do to Survive

More than an hour later, I held Lea in my arms, her head resting on my shoulder and her legs wrapped around my waist. She was naked, having discarded the messy, crumpled dress she’d been wearing before long ago, and I was missing my pants and my shirt was fully unbuttoned, leaving us sitting with our bare chests pressed against each other.

We were both silent. Lea’s hands were hidden from sight under my shirt and my own were slowly rubbing gentle circles on her back. Lea had finally stopped crying and hadn’t started again, which was good. She’d even looked and felt genuinely happy for a time, which was even better.

What was somewhat less good was the way she was still rolling her hips, doing her level best to rouse my mostly flaccid penis still buried deep inside her to full wakefulness. Not to say that it didn’t feel amazing––Lea was concerningly good at this––but rather because she was doing it completely unconsciously and I was pretty sure that this was not an ideal coping mechanism.

So far, all three of the most traumatic things that had happened to my friend (that I knew of) had involved sex and her body. As much as she kept claiming that this was something she wanted to be doing, I was loath to form any parallels between her time with me and what she had gone through in the past.

Furthermore, I didn’t want to reduce our relationship to something transactional, like a noble’s arranged courtship or a whore and her buyer. Me protecting Lea was in no way dependent on what she could do for me, and I really wanted her to see that. Sure she hadn’t gone out and said explicitly before, but it was clear enough what she was thinking.

I was far from an expert on injuries of the mind, but I couldn’t imagine this was the correct way to help Lea deal with the wounds she’d endured over the years. I knew I wasn’t exactly a pillar of mental health and stability––I was self aware enough to know that not all of my loathing towards elves was fully rational––but at least I was able to manage my issues and ensure they couldn’t control me. From what I’d heard from Miranda and seen during my own time with her, Lea was far from that point.

I sighed softly and Lea flinched, her entire body tensing against mine and her core clenching down like a vice. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m trying!” she exclaimed quietly, her voice sounding like she was on the verge of tears. “I just––”

“It’s alright,” I hurriedly reassured her, “you’re alright. You were amazing, Lea. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” I closed my eyes, glad that Lea couldn’t see my face. “It’s nothing you did. You’re amazing. I’ve just had a long, stressful day.”

“Okay,” Lea breathed, her voice barely more than a whisper. Her body relaxed, slowly returning to the nearly boneless state she’d been moments earlier, but the tension never fully faded. The muscles in her core tensed and relaxed rhythmically and the slow, steady movements of her hips intensified.

I cursed silently. Of course Lea would respond like that. What a way to ruin most of the progress I’d made so far. Well, so much for just letting her relax a little.

I had been hoping that this meeting would be good for both of us. I’d be able to relax a little and enjoy Lea’s company. Lea would be happy to hear that Cayla and Miranda were well on their way to finding her a new home, somewhere with grass and trees and sunlight. Everything would be wonderful and peaceful, like those hazy memories of playing together in the hills and the trees and the burbuling streams.

Instead, well. This had happened. I honestly didn’t know how to feel about any of it. On one hand, Miranda had essentially told me that this was inevitable. On the other hand…I could have happily gone my whole life without knowing what Lea, the closest thing I had left to family, looked like with my cock in her mouth. Or the way she cried out in ecstasy as she climaxed around my manhood, my name spilling from her lips over and over again. Or hear her desperately beg me to fuck her, to hit her, to use her as much and however I liked as long as I never let her go.

Well, the damage was done. I just needed to make the best of all of it.

“So Lea…” I began, my voice trailing off as I struggled to decide what exactly I wanted to say. Even with spells and circulations augmenting my mind, talking to people had never been something I was particularly good at .

Lea jolted again, her back stiffening, but it was a much more mild reaction compared to the flinch from before. “Yes Ma–Orion? Is there something you need” she asked quickly, stumbling slightly over my name.

I pulled her against me slightly. Not hard enough that it would feel like I was holding her in place, but enough for her to feel the pressure of my touch on her back. “Quite the opposite, in fact. So…are you sure? Do you really want to stay with me? It’s going to––”

“Yes. Yes, I do,” she answered immediately, not even waiting for me to finish my sentence. “More than anything.”

I continued regardless. “It's going to be boring and cramped. My room is the same size as Miranda’s. There are no windows. A lot of the floor is taken up by furniture or my equipment. I won’t be able to take you outside often, or maybe even ever.”

“Yes. Yes, yes, yes. As long as I’m with you, I’ll be happy. I promise!”

“I won’t always be there. I have classes and other obligations. Sometimes I’ll be too busy to spend time with you. I still have four-and-a-half years here at Avalon. Four years in a tiny stone box.”

“But you’ll be there sometimes. And,” she tried to wave her hand around, but it was still tucked under my shirt so she mostly just slapped my back a little, “it’s still a lot roomier than I’m used to. Warmer and drier too. And I don’t think you’re ever going to cut out my tongue or feed me to a kraken.”

As much as I loathed the comparison, I wanted, needed, Lea to understand what she was getting into. “Of course not, but…I’m not a good person, Lea. I helped you, but I’ve done…I’ve done some bad things. I’ve hurt people. Killed people.”

“But you’ve only ever been good to me, Orion.”

Well, in for a deep-brass, in for an adamantine. It wasn’t like Lea would be spreading my secrets around to anyone. “You won’t be the only person there. I have a…servant that lives with me. I teach her magic and she takes care of things around the dorm.”

“Then it sounds like I won’t get lonely when you’re busy.”

My throat felt ragged as I pressed onward. “She’s not the only one. But the others…they’re not servants. They’re not even slaves. They’re materials. Materials, Lea. Not people, things.”

“Okay. And?”

“Okay? Okay! Lea, I use them. They were people, and now they’re things. I use them and abuse them and I don’t feel anything at all.”

Lea straightened and looked me squarely in the eyes. “I promise I won’t damage your things, Orion. I’m sure they all deserve it. And if they don’t, well, I don’t care. Spending their lives with you…it’s a better future than anyone can hope for.”

The sheer honest trust I could feel in her voice and face was…indescribable. “Do you really mean that?” I asked softly, barely able to formulate the words. I felt vulnerable in a way I hadn't in…I couldn’t remember how long. I certainly had never felt this way with Kala, nor with anyone else I’d met in the years since I’d left Xethis.

“Oh, Orion,” Lea whispered, “do you even have to ask? Of course I mean it. I would never lie to you.” She leaned forward, pressing her forehead against mine. “I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care who you’ve done it to. I love you, and I will always love you, and nothing and no one will ever change that. Even when I thought you were dead and gone, I never forgot you. Even when I thought you were lost forever, you were there for me. Life isn’t like those stories mom always told us. It's not all sunshine and roses, and bad things happen to good people. Sometimes people have to do things they aren’t proud of.”

She took a deep, shaky breath. “But you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m never going to let go for as long as you let me hold on.”

I stared into her eyes and saw nothing but truth and love. I wanted to trust her. I really did. But I’d been hurt one too many times.

I pulled back and all but shoved one of my hands in her face, mana glowing visibly around my fingers. “If you really believe that, then swear it. Swear it to me, Lea.”

She stared down at my hand and blinked, then comprehension appeared on her face. “I…I don’t know how.”

I wasn’t willing to give her time to think about things. “Just take my hand, Lea, and swear it. I’ll take care of the rest.”

“Okay.” And then…she did. She just did.

She didn’t argue. She didn’t try to get out of it. She didn’t try to reword things to give herself a loophole.

Lea reluctantly pulled her right hand out from under my shirt and hesitantly wrapped her fingers around my palm. I quickly adjusted her grip and she easily obeyed, intertwining our fingers together between our two bodies.

Mana spun around us as I frantically cast both parts of a type of spell that usually needed either a ritual circle or two people. It wasn’t something I’d ever done before, but I’d become deeply familiar with oath-based magic in the past few months and a mix of experience and desperation helped me modify a typical hand-oath on the fly into something that would do the job. It was only a few minor tweaks, and the calculations all worked out. It would work. I was confident that it would work.

She recited her earlier words word for word. “I would never lie to you. I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care who you’ve done it to. I love you, and I will always love you, and nothing and no one will ever change that.”

With each sentence, a loop of mana appeared around our clasped hands. The spell matrix I’d formed floated beneath them, barely able to fit in the space between us and shining brightly as I poured mana into it.

Lea continued, completely ignoring the display of magic to stare into my eyes. “Even when I thought you were dead and gone, I never forgot you. Even when I thought you were lost forever, you were there for me. Life isn’t like those stories mom always told us. It's not all sunshine and roses, and bad things happen to good people. Sometimes people have to do things they aren’t proud of. But you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m never going to let go for as long as you let me hold on.”

I almost released the spell then and there, but then Lea smiled softly. “I love you, Orion. More than anyone.”

Threads of mana sank into Lea’s hand. For a moment, I could just barely feel them slipping past her core and deeper into her soul, and then they fully vanished from my senses. There was no real link between us. I had contributed nothing to the oath but my magic, but I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that the spell had worked.

Lea really meant it. Utterly and completely. And now, she’d never, ever not mean it for as long as she lived.

It felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I sagged, nearly collapsing forward onto her. “Thank you,” I whispered. “You don’t know how much it means to hear that.”

“If you’re happy, I’m happy,” Lea whispered back.

I wasn’t a monster. Lea wouldn’t love a monster. Lea loved me, fully and truly. My parents…if Lea understood, then they would have understood too. They’d be proud of me. They’d understand that I only ever did what I had to do. Things were hard when you were a penniless, nameless orphan. I’d just made the best of a bad situation. I’d always just made the best of a bad situation.

Before I could get lost in my ruminations, Lea kissed me and bounced slightly, reminding me of what exact part of my body she was currently sitting on. “Let me show you just how happy you make me feel.”