NOVEL WEB Book 1, Chapter 9
"We don't need these to go talk to John," I said, handing Faith the copper deputy's badge she'd given me at the start of our investigation. "We'll just go to his house, talk things over, and get back to you with our findings."
"You're going to tie him to a chair and break his legs," Faith said dryly.
"...What makes you say that?" I asked.
"I have eyes," Faith said. "You and Talia hate this guy, and you've just found reason to believe he fucked you over."
"Okay, maybe I do hate him," I said. "Why do you think I'm gonna break his legs? When have I ever given you a reason to believe I've ever so much as laid a finger on my fellow man?"
"You're a fighter," Faith said. "I can tell just from the way you walk. Your dad walks that way too. Talia's dad, though, doesn't- he's just a normal guy, and carries himself that way too."
"...You've got a keen eye," I muttered. "Wait, when did you meet Talia's dad?"
"I wanted to buy some more of that elven tea, after I had some at your place, and he brought me behind the counter to show me how to brew it right. I'm... still learning, though."
"I can give you some pointers. It's not the work of centuries, I promise."
"Anyhow, no, I'm going with you two, and we are not going to break John's legs while we question him."
"...What about his arms?" I asked.
"Also no," Faith said.
"Fingers, and that's our final offer," Talia said.
"You cannot break any of John's bones, or I will arrest you," Faith said, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "Okay, if he attacks you first, then fine, you can defend yourself, but we are not going to abuse our power by beating him senseless just because you don't like him!"
"...Fine," I said, folding my arms. Spoilsport. "At any rate, considering the last time I saw John, he took a few swings at me, I'm not exactly willing to see him without being full up on magicka, and I just drained myself pretty dry casting that spell for you. Also, I do have to take my Dad over to Robert's place, so he can heal Amelie."
"Fair enough," Faith said. "But, since you were so eager to go after him and break his bones, I am going to insist on being here to watch you tonight."
"Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm sure we can accommodate a guest for the night," I said, rolling my eyes. "C'mon, let's go tell my parents about it."
I opened the door from the garage back into the rest of the house, and listened for the sounds of my parents' presence, and found that they were both in the kitchen, probably working on tonight's dinner.
"Hey, Faith has insisted on staying here to make sure I don't go enact vigilante justice on the guy who bullied me in high school," I said, leading the group into the kitchen, where Mom was chopping vegetables for a classic pot of Whatever Soup, and Dad was watching whatever was currently in the pot- probably a pigeon or two; Greenwood Village had a number of robust dovecotes for exactly this sort of thing. "That alright with you guys?"
"Sure, why not?" Dad said. "Although... Joseph, can I talk to you in private for a moment?"
"Sure," I said, shrugging and following Dad as he led me out of the kitchen, through the dining room, and up the stairs. "What's up?"
"I think it's time I enchanted your weapon of choice," Dad said quietly. "You're a man now, and... well. You've dedicated yourself to the path of the Mage-Knight. I can tell. So... it's time to enchant your weapon, so you can really walk the path."
"I... thank you," I said. "But... I'm not ready. I'm not even strong enough to beat a human in a fistfight, let alone wield a sword."
"Horseshit," Dad said, firmly. "A Mage-Knight is not a swordsman, Joseph. Yes, we have swords, and are good at using them, but they are not our primary weapon. You hear the stories about how Artorias Wind-Caller got into such dire straits that he had to use his sword to survive. What you don't hear are the stories where Artorias Wind-Caller gets to have his way and pick off his foes from a distance with his enchanted bow, or the stories where I destroyed the entire 13th Legion on the march with my bow, instilling the Paladins with such fear that they retired the number 13 for their legions and made them start accepting women into their ranks, for fear they'd otherwise run out of young men to field."
"Wait, that was you?" I asked, eyes going wide.
"The Paladins don't come near me for a reason," Dad said with a cruel smirk. "Now. I know you have a few ranged weapons of your own- I've taken you out into the woods to practice with them more than enough times to figure that out. What I need is for you to pick a favorite one, one that you think is versatile enough to be worth treating as your main weapon... and then, I need you to give that over to me so that I can get to work on enchanting it with everything a Mage-Knight's weapon should have."
"...Alright," I said, nodding slowly. I reached inside my duster, pulled out the weapon in question, and handed it over to him. "The safety catch is on; you know where the toggle button is."
"I do," Dad said, nodding as he accepted the weapon from me. "Alright. I'm gonna get started on this now, so it'll be ready by the time you need it. Good luck."
"I'll need it."
I walked back downstairs, returning to the kitchen, to find Talia and Faith being put to work in clanking up vegetables for the soup.
"Oh, I need to talk to you in private as well," Talia said, standing up and hustling over. "C'mon, back to the garage."
"Alright," I said as she led me out to the garage.
"I don't have to stay here tonight," Talia said as the door closed behind us. "I can just go home, take a nap, and then go hunt John down tonight. I've got enough juice to do that, no problem."
"We know John's in bed with the Thieves' Guild," I said, shaking my head. "Just because he's a clown doesn't mean everyone in the Thieves' Guild is, too- those fuckers are good at fighting dirty, and just because you're a good druid doesn't change that fact. Don't go after them on your own, it's not worth it. We all need someone watching our backs."
"So, what, you're gonna let the paladin ride herd on us and prioritize John's life over ours?" Talia asked, folding her arms. "What, you suddenly decide you've got a thing for redheads?"
"Your tits are still bigger by a big margin," I said dryly. "Besides, I know Faith did just give us shit about it, but... well. She hasn't met John yet. I assure you, the fact she cares about his bodily integrity is a very solvable problem, and we won't have to lift a finger." I tapped my chin, frowning. "Also, I'm pretty sure Faith is only into other girls."
"...I think she'll make an exception for you, in particular," Talia said, to which I could only roll my eyes. "Hey, listen, sexuality is complicated, alright? Just... something to keep in mind."
"I don't really care," I said. "I already have a girlfriend, and while, yes, I am aware that it wouldn't exactly be scandalous for me to have a second one, I don't want a second one right now."
"Well if you're not gonna fuck her, can I?" Talia asked.
"...Sure, have fun," I said, rolling my eyes. "Whatever. We done here?"
"I think so, yeah."
I opened the door, walking back to the kitchen.
"I've also got something-" Faith began.
"Do you really?" I asked, staring straight through her eyes and into her soul.
"Honestly, no, I was just feeling left out," Faith admitted.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
---
"There's something wrong with you," I said.
"Look, I am taking no chances with the two of you sneaking out to catch John without me," Faith said, folding her arms over her chest. She wasn't wearing her uniform anymore, having stripped down to a sleeveless undershirt and a pair of shorts, revealing that, indeed, her arms and legs were thickly-muscled, and also, she had freckles on her shoulders.
"So you're going to insist on sleeping in my bed," I continued. "A bed I will also be sharing, I should note, with my girlfriend."
"Hey, plenty of humans fantasize about joining an elven couple in their bed," Talia pointed out. "I mean, usually they fantasize about older elves, but still!"
"Joseph, you still hold out hope of becoming a proper, unicorn-mounted Mage-Knight, don't you?" Faith asked.
"...Yeah," I said, slowly. "How did you..."
"Then I'm not worried about the two of you getting up to anything while I'm here," Faith said, before throwing one arm over my shoulders and the other over Talia's, and dragging us towards my bed. "Now, let's get ourselves tucked in, shall we?"
---
The next morning, I woke up to the sensation of someone beside me, and blearily thought, "Oh, it's Talia. Good morning, Talia," before rolling onto my side and kissing her. She did her usual thing, of latching onto me and refusing to let me go, and I just rolled with it, letting her keep the kiss going until she decided she was done.
"Huh, and I though you didn't wanna kiss the paladin," Talia said, waking me all the way up as I pulled myself out of Faith's iron grip.
"...Okay, I know what I thought I was doing," I said, breathing heavily. "But what the hell did you think you were doing?"
"I thought you were Talia," Faith admitted.
"...Okay, fair enough," I admitted. "But did the lack of boobs not clue you in, there?"
"I just woke up."
"Right." I sat myself upright, yawning and stretching. "Well, it's morning now, and we'd better get up. We're not going to recover my grandmother's funerary effigy by lying in bed all day."
"Not until I get my good morning kiss," Talia said.
"I'm closer-" Faith began.
"I assure you, it is no trouble," I said, conspicuously leaning over Faith to kiss my actual girlfriend for far, far too long.
Couldn't have the Paladin thinking I liked her, now could I?