NOVEL WEB Chapter 30: Bedroom Door
The knock at the door woke Hannah in a panic as she shot right up. Her eyes locked on the door, afraid of what was about to happen. Something was going to happen. It had too. Years of experience with humans told her something was going to happen. A beating, being sold, anything…
After Hannah’s little confession last night about Elaine there wasn’t much said between Rayne and her. When there was it was never about Elaine, it had just been about her day. Eventually they said their goodnight and both went to bed. Hannah was sure something was going to happen immediately after telling Rayne, but nothing came. She went to bed afraid this would be the last time she ever slept in a bed again. Nerves and fears ate at her till she became so exhausted she fell asleep.
There was another knock at the door before a voice called out. “Hannah?”
Hannah’s hands clutched at the sheets, afraid of what Ms. Eda wanted. She didn’t have the choice to stay in bed though after all she was still a slave. Quickly and just nervous enough to tumble a little Hannah threw herself out of bed and started grabbing her clothes. Sadly it was one of the old ones that didn’t let her tail out. “Yes, Ms. Eda. I’m just getting dressed.” Would this be the last time she wore a uniform?
It didn’t take long to get dressed and soon she found herself standing in front of her bedroom door. Her heart felt like it was in her throat as her hand grabbed the knob. Quickly she pulled it open and ready to face what was about to happen. To her surprise it was only Eda standing outside of her door.
The older woman gave her a normal and gentle smile before she appeared to register the worry on Hannah’s face. “Is everything alright?”
Hannah opened her mouth but didn’t find words right away. “Y-yes, Ms Eda. I just had some bad dreams.” Lying wasn’t Hannah’s strong suit, but she hoped she got away with it. She didn’t think Eda would have greeted her so nicely if this wasn’t going to end well. The fox didn’t meet the other woman’s gaze to try and gauge her reaction, and just waited.
“Alright. I was going to ask you to go along and help Neila in the morning before breakfast. Things were moving a little faster in the morning with you helping and I would like to keep on top of that.”
“I can do that, Ms. Eda.” Hannah took this as a good sign, but it could also mean that Rayne hadn’t spoken to anyone yet.
“Good.” With that Eda gave a gentle nod to Hannah before moving on to knock on the rest of the doors.
The pounding in Hannah’s chest only subsided a little. Maybe if she just acted as if everything was normal everything would be normal.
~~~
Rayne stared at the ceiling of her dark room feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Sleep hadn’t provided much rest from the chaos of her thoughts and feelings. Her dreams had been a confusing mess of constantly feeling out of control and powerless as different things happened. It was hard to remember and the longer she stared at the ceiling the more the dream faded, but the feeling in her chest didn’t.
Her chest had felt tight ever since Hannah had told her Elaine’s name, and Rayne wasn’t sure what that meant. Was it because she hurt for Hannah having lost someone she so dearly loved, or was it because Rayne wasn’t alone in being a woman who could love another woman. Maybe it was a mix of both. Maybe it was fear that Hannah would never move past her fiancée…
The knock at Rayne’s door barely grabbed her attention, nor did the sound of the door opening before she even said enter. Lazy she looked over to find Eda staring back at her. The older woman’s eyes took Rayne in then moved to closed curtains. After a few solid seconds of looking at the curtains she turned back to looking at Rayne before letting out a sigh.
“Do the two of you ever have an easy night where nothing happens?” Eda asked as she made her way over to the curtains.
Pushing herself up in the bed, Rayne tried to gather her thoughts to make a coherent response but struggled. The emotions that weighed on her finally started to break through her blank demeanor. Rayne looked down at her hands and found her vision getting blurry. “Eda.”
“I know Hannah’ arrival has thrown everything up in the air,” Eda threw open the curtains, “but can’t we have just one normal, uneventful day?” Eda finally turned back around to Rayne and paused in her movements. “Rayne?” Concern filled her voice.
“I… I feel so lost.” The lady put her head in her hands and didn’t like feeling the wet of her own tears on her face. The words that followed bubbled out of her like water boiling out of a pot. “I can’t think straight, I can’t go a moment without thinking of her, I can’t even hold strong in my own beliefs. I want her to be free, but I want her to be mine. I feel so elated when she calls me mistress and then I feel disgusted with myself. Everything in life felt so certain and under my control. I knew what was ahead of me, but now I can’t see past the day because all I can think about is my immediate time with Hannah. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” Rayne refused to let herself sob but doing so almost physically hurt. Crying in front of others was something she always hated, even in front of those she trusted.
After a second or two Rayne felt a weight settle on the side of her bed before a hand gently rested on her lap. “Love is a very powerful and eye opening feeling.” Eda's voice was soft. “It can make you feel like you’re going crazy, and most certainly make you question yourself. Love can deify long held beliefs, but I have a feeling you don’t actually want her to be a slave that you by law own.”
There was great comfort in the gentle physical touch of Eda but Rayne’s emotions were too high for her own liking still. “But I do want her to be mine…”
“In what ways?”
There was a pause as Rayne tried to put it into words. “Emotionally. Romantically. Sexually… Maybe just a little bit more…” Shame gripped at Rayne’s heart.
“And if you could have this would you want it by Hannah’s own willing submission, or by the determination of a power higher than either of you?”
Rayne opened her mouth, but words didn’t come out right away. “Because Hannah wants to be.”
“And only to you? To everyone else she would be her own free person?” The lady nodded at Eda’s words. “Rayne, there are a lot of different kinds of relationships out in the world and people express and experience all of them differently. I can promise you that you are not the first person to want that kind of relationship. To have those feelings from one woman to another.”
Rayne finally pulled her hands away from her face, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at Eda. “But what about all the other feelings? Not being able to focus on anything but her, or see past the day?”
Eda took a deep breath before giving Rayne’s leg a gentle pat. “That’s just what love is, Rayne.”
The words hung in the air for a few seconds before Rayne looked up at Eda. “Does it ever stop?”
Eda shrugged. “Yes and no. You might have more control over it, or become more accustomed to it, but sometimes even after years of love you’ll go right back to feeling and thinking the same way you did on the day you fell in love. Love is an ever changing emotion but also a consistent one at the same time. I’m sorry if that’s not the most helpful of answers.”
“Have you ever felt this way?” Talking about Eda’s personal life was a little bit of a taboo between them, but something Rayne needed sometimes. Right now she didn’t want to feel alone in this struggle and knowing Eda had been through this too would be comforting.
After a moment's thought Eda gave a gentle nod. “Before I came to work for the family. He didn’t return my feelings but knowingly played with them. After I did something terribly foolish and disgraceful I finally snapped out of it and saw him for what he truly was, a selfish cad.” A smile finally came across Rayne’s face. It was really rare to ever hear Eda insult someone so openly, let alone call someone a name. Eda returned the smile “I don’t think Hannah will turn out like that for you.”
The smile on Rayne’s face faltered only a little. Of course Rayne knew Hannah wouldn’t treat her like that, but returning her own feelings was a different story.
“What happened, Rayne?” Eda asked, clearly noticing the moment's fault in her smile.
“Sh—” Rayne cut herself off. “I don’t think it is for me to share without her permission.”
“That’s a fair point, but you know I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m here for you and I’m only going to be able to help both of you if I know what’s going on.”
Confliction filled Rayne. She did fully trust Eda and felt she needed to be able to talk with someone that had an outside perspective on her and Hannah, but… “She told me her fiancée died in the slaver raid.”
“I did wonder if her fiance was around,” Eda admitted.
“And… Promise me you won’t say anything to anyone.”
“I promise.”
“Hannah also told me her financee’s name… Her name was Elaine.”
“I had also wondered about who Elaine was,” Eda said as if completely unfazed. The shock and confusion on Rayne’s face was clear to Eda. “The other day when she woke up cuddling you, she said something in Everlian and the name Elaine.”
Rayne had forgotten about that very tiny detail. Did that mean Hannah had thought she was cuddling Elaine? The thought of that filled Rayne with a mix of warmth and sorrow. She was happy she could make Hannah once again feel like she was with her loved one, but sad that Hannah wouldn’t be able to experience the real thing again. Could Rayne ever be a suitable replacement? “She did,” Rayne admitted. “I didn’t think much of it then.”
“I could imagine you were a little more mentally preoccupied at the time.” There was only the slightest hint of teasing in the older woman’s.
“I can’t deny that.” Rayne took a deep breath and tried to get her mind off of Hannah and Elaine and to the day ahead. “I don’t have any meetings today if I recall.”
Eda’s hand finally left Rayne’s lap as she stood up from the bed, going back into lady’s maid mode. “Not that I can recall either.”
“I would like to go out today. I have some things I would like to buy and something to track down.”
“Alright, then let's get you ready for the day.”
~~~
Work was going just as slow as it had been when Hannah was thinking about Rayne yesterday. The difference was today she wasn’t thinking about Rayne, but what was going to happen to her. The panic from this morning was coming and going in waves and Hannah’s chest was genuinely starting to hurt from the anxiety of it. Her panic had been so obvious that even Neila noticed it this morning and again Hannah tried to play it off as if remembering the nightmares she had the night before. Like with Eda she wasn’t sure if she got away with it, but Neila never said anything.
Hannah put the last book back on the shelf before closing the gate and locking it. She should have asked Rayne for something to keep the key on last night, but could live with it for now. Maybe Eda would have something she could use. Eda did have keys of her own after all. Almost thinking the woman into being, Hannah heard the familiar jingle of said keys out in the hallway. After four anxious seconds for Hannah, Eda stepped through the open door. The older woman looked as if she was about to knock, but noticed Hannah already looking at her.
“I could hear the keys from down the hall,” Hannah admitted quietly as Eda looked at her with just a little bit of surprise.
“Ah, that would make sense.” Eda looked around the library. “It is quiet here, I suppose you could probably hear most people coming down the hall.” Hannah gave a nod, feeling the tightness in her chest get worse. Was this going to be it? “I wanted to come and check in on you,” Eda said walking towards Hannah. “How are you feeling after this morning?”
Was this a good or a bad thing? The fox knew that by now Eda had already talked to Rayne today, so the real question was whether Rayne had said something. Hannah’s ears started to fold back in her anxious state, but she forced them to stay up. “I-I’m feeling better, thank you for asking.” The stutter didn’t help Hannah’s lie.
Eda raised an eyebrow at Hannah. “Are you sure?” The look on Hannah’s face clearly said it all but Eda still waited for her to respond.
Hannah’s eyes cast downward as she internally debated how she should answer. She had already trusted one human with a big thing, maybe she could trust another with something not as big. “I’m… I’m really nervous today.”
Eda gave Hannah a gentle smile even though the fox wasn’t looking up to see it. “I can’t imagine how much of a change all of this has been for you over the past few days. I’m sure even that in itself has thrown a little turmoil in your sense of normalcy, even if it was a change for the better. I know I have gotten used to upsetting normalcy in the past and a big but very good change really threw me off for a good while.”
That did surprisingly make Hannah feel better, even if that wasn’t the exact problem she was facing. Hannah looked up from the floor again and saw the smile on Eda’s face grow, which too made her feel even better.
“That change was actually coming here for me as well, funnily enough.” Looking off into the distance a little, Eda took a deep breath. “My, it has been quite a while since I first came here.”
“How long?” Hannah found herself asking.
“Almost thirty three years now. Before even Lady Rayne was born.” Somehow the smile grew. “I can still remember little baby Rayne and the little terror she used to be in her first few years. She was actually far worse than her brothers when she was that young.”
The thought of a baby Rayne managed to put a smile on Hannah’s face and ease the tightness in her chest. How badly Hannah wished she could have seen that for herself. “I can only imagine.”
“She’s grown so much since then in so many ways.” There was a pause before Eda spoke again. “I can also understand that maybe you're afraid of losing what you have only just gained. I know I was after I found out how nice it was here.”
It finally dawned on Hannah that she wasn’t afraid of punishment, she had faced so much punishment in the past few years. She was afraid of losing all her mistress had given to her, both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t clear to Hannah if Eda had said this because Rayne had talked to her or because the head housekeeper was just good at reading people. Maybe it was the latter because as Eda had said, she was in a similar position once. “I…” Hannah could feel tears in her eyes. “I am afraid of that,” she admitted.
Eda gave a gentle nod. “Humans have probably done so much to make you not trust us and I know I can not give you all the reassurance that you need. All that you deserve, but you can trust in Lady Rayne. You don’t need to be afraid here. There really isn’t much you could do to upset her in any way, and even if you do she won’t treat you as your previous owners have.”
It was reassuring to hear Eda say all that, but there was part of Hannah that still found it hard to believe. She wanted to believe it though, so desperately, but seven years of slavery had beaten her down so much. “E-even if it was something humans don’t approve of?”
“What do you mean?”
Now Hannah’s ears did fold back as she looked away. What was the best thing to do here? “There are some things that are normal and accepted back home that humans don’t agree with.”
Eda went into thought for a little while. “I suppose that might depend on who it affects. If it doesn’t hurt anyone then I don’t think it will be a problem. I can’t promise the rest of the house will understand and accept, but Lady Rayne and I are generally open to new things. We are quite understanding of other cultures living differently than us.”
There was still doubt inside of Hannah, but her chest felt a little lighter. Could Rayne really be understanding, even though she had only ever met one human who accepted such a thing? Hannah didn’t like that only time was going to tell. If something was going to happen she just wanted it over with. Taking a deep breath, the vixen did her best to calm herself and believe in Eda’s words. “Thank you, Ms Eda,” she said looking back up.
The smile on Eda’s face was gentle and warm and it reminded Hannah of her dad’s. “I hope you feel better and can grow to trust us.”
“I hope so too.”
“I’ll let you get back to work.” She looked around at the library. “There is a lot to do but be sure to not rush. Mr. Williams appreciates the quality of the work over the time it takes.”
“I’ll be sure to, Ms. Eda.”
